my posts from Facebook… (last updated October 19th, 2025)

(posts with illustrations are in the section of this website called “illustrations with stories”)

Sometimes I think the world is a mess because so many people keep skipping over where they're needed because they're trying so hard to earn some stamp of approval that says they've actually got something of value to contribute.

For those who need a reminder: You matter so much, just as you are, and you absolutely have something valuable to contribute.

-JLK

I need this reminder a lot…

Don't let the unhealed parts of other people bring out the unhealed parts of yourself.

-JLK

I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of gaslighting in my life, but the new spin from this administration: “If you’re anti-fascist, you’re a terrorist!” seems like the authoritarian version of “If you don’t give me what I want, you’re not my mom anymore!”

I honestly haven’t heard many things more ridiculous.

Last I heard, protesting is protected by the first amendment as a form of checks and balances, allowing citizens to hold our government accountable—to make sure it’s a government of the people, by the people, and for the people.

Not a government exclusively for people in power who want yet more power and feel entitled to use our tax dollars to seek revenge on those they don’t like.

Not a government exclusively for people in power to line their pockets and take away our health care bc to them our well-being is a waste of money.

Not a government exclusively for people in power to use our tax dollars to pay masked men more than educators, masked men who brutally and indiscriminately kidnap people (many of whom are non-criminals, us citizens, or those in the process of seeking citizenship) off the streets and destroy their lives bc they “look” like they’re here illegally.

I find it interesting that I haven’t talked to a single person who’s ever been the victim of violence perpetrated by immigrants—“illegal” or otherwise—and yet I have heard from many people who have either felt threatened by ice or have witnessed others being terrorized by them.

So is this a war against terrorism or is it a war of terrorism?

It seems pretty simple to answer: This isn’t what america is supposed to look like. This is what criminal behavior looks like.

This whole despicable mashup of remigration with christian nationalism is not only obscene, it’s the result of people who are completely disconnected from any other demographic but their own.

I hope once the constitution returns as the governing principles of this country, there can be a new amendment—that those seeking positions in government must have shared lived experiences with every demographic of people—from those who’ve served in the military, to immigrants, to the disabled, to the working class living paycheck to paycheck, to those out in the streets, to those in the lgbtq communities, etc etc.

Bc how can you serve the people when you don’t even know who the people are?

This Saturday's peaceful protest is a fundamental american right, enshrined in the first amendment of the constitution—to speak out against things that aren’t right, just as the colonists did way back when, to revolt against an unjust king.

Protests are as american as you can get.

Calling protestors anarchists?

That’s the languaging of an authoritarian regime. And it’s the kind of languaging that’s been trickling down from the very beginning of this “they just let you do it” movement.

To me, it’s so important to peacefully resist this movement. Bc even though there are lots of elected officials who know better, many are still somehow too scared to speak up. So it’s up to us, the people, to keep speaking up and refusing to be gaslit, just as we’ve refused to be gaslit in our personal lives.

And as for the people who still support the current regime—I just hope they love the constitution more than they hate who this administration hates.

What a shame that we have so many resources that could be used for fair wages, free health care and free education—not just for some, but for all.

Those in leadership positions could be working together with all demographics of people to make this planet work better for us all, so that we could all enjoy our time here together peacefully.

It truly amazes me that anyone would want anything less.

Much love,

-JLK

One of my favorite ways to soothe myself when I’m overwhelmed or depressed or panicked is to do a body scan meditation.

I do it like a roll call—and I always start out with my toes. I’ll start by silently saying to myself, “big toe” and then I wait until I actually feel my big toe.

And when I do, I give it kind of an inward nod of appreciation. Like, “Hey, nice to know you’re still here. Been awhile since we connected.”

Then I go to the next toe.

The goal is to connect with every part of my body, which creates a direct connection from my awareness to each part of my body—which creates a sense of waking up to my reality—that this is my home in this body and that I’m safe in my body experiencing myself being alive.

One of the things I love about this meditation is that I don’t need to seek validation to determine if I’ve done it right.

I’ve done it right every time I actually feel the body part I’m connecting with. And yet, even if I don’t, it’s still ok. I can try again next time.

Sometimes it takes me a few minutes to even feel my big toe. Sometimes I only make it to my shins and I’ve had enough and so I stop. And that’s ok.

My only goal is to patiently connect with as many parts of myself as possible. And when I do, to make sure I acknowledge each part of myself with appreciation.

It really helps to bring me out of no man’s land—where I go when I’m trying to look for comfort outside of myself—and back to a peaceful place that’s always here within me.

-JLK

Anger was such a bad word growing up. It was seen as the opposite of adorable and I was expected to perform adorable at the expense of my dignity. And that pissed me off!

But I think what was really going on was everyone around me shared a collective lagging skill: no one knew how to have a difficult conversation without either going to war or abandoning the ship.

No one had the skills to share their feelings or their perspective and no one had the skills to listen-to-understand, bc it was never taught or role-modeled.

What was taught was the high-impact sport of offense and defense. Which never goes forward, only back and forth, until the pain gets too much to tolerate.

Lashing out or lashing in wasn’t the anger. It was the explosion and implosion of so many upset feelings being constrained way too long inside a vessel that wasn’t built to contain such intensity.

I had to start fresh after I had my son. I was an abandon-the-ship person. If things felt icky, I’d paste that smile on my face, politely excuse myself, and go write about it in my journal.

But this doesn’t work with a child. My child was looking for me to help him process his experiences—to help him be heard and understood—so that he could feel that his experience in the world mattered.

So I began to learn to communicate my feelings so I could connect with him authentically. And so I could show him what this looked like and sounded like so he could try out sharing what he was feeling and experiencing too.

And what I noticed is that this effort was building a relationship. Wow. This was new.

And sure, I get triggered a lot and I go back to those old ways of needing to protect myself instead of remembering to connect with my son. And I play the offense/defense game and some of the stuff we built together falls apart.

But I know now it’s my job not to abandon the ship. It’s my job to repair and build our relationship back stronger by taking the time to share what’s there for me and listen until I understand what’s there for him.

Having difficult conversations is so important. It opens the space so that both people get to experience that they matter.

It’s an opportunity to figure out what specific things aren’t working and to honor both sets of needs so that the way we solve our problems can work for us both.

-JLK

Please don’t not-good-enough yourself.

This is a huge habit of mine. It’s where my autopilot still often takes me.

I’ll get so inspired, so excited about a project, invest all my efforts into it, and then, right when I’m about to share it, I see my efforts through the lens of people who completely don’t get me, never have, never will. And then I begin to doubt myself. And I hold off sharing.

Isn’t that crazy? That I turn those people who aren’t even my role models into my target audience?

And the antidote to this poison?

Trust what’s good to you. Trust your inspiration.

Practice believing in yourself and in your passions, even if no one has ever believed in the brilliance of your talents and your passions before.

Your belief in yourself is huge.

You don’t need to be the best, you just need to be you. You, are more than enough.

Who you are is a blessing, a container of creativity and wisdom, great ideas and heart.

Imagine a younger person choosing not to share themselves bc toxic people told them in so many words that who they are is a waste of everyone’s time.

What would you say to that younger person?

You’d probably say, “No way! Never stop sharing who you are! Your ideas and your voice—that’s how you shine your light so that people can find you and connect with you!”

Now, recognize that this younger person is within you. And recognize that this younger person is counting on you to never give up sharing who you are.

-JLK

The people I appreciate most are the ones who see someone in a stressful situation and make the effort to alleviate the stress rather than add to it.

Skills like listening, validating, and offering support are the ingredients that can turn an unpleasant situation into a pleasant one real quick.

On the other hand, people who see a stressful situation and start yelling or being sarcastic or taking it personally or shaming everyone for being upset, might think they're doing something useful to stop the conflict, but they're really only making everything worse by creating an additional one.

-JLK

Each thought builds on the next.

Which means, if I’m thinking obsessively about how someone upset me, what I’m doing is building a thought structure in my mind.

And if I have a habit of getting upset about things I have no control over, and I keep adding more upset thoughts, the thought structure will grow.

And before long, I will run out of room in my mind.

I will have built a neighborhood of enormous thought structures that I don’t even want to be around.

So what I need to do when I’m upset is to acknowledge my upset thought, and then shift to another space in my mind and think a thought that I want to build up.

Something creative, not destructive.

Something that represents what’s most meaningful to me. Something that’s an extension of my potential, of my most authentic self.

Something I want to invest my time and energy in. Not something that causes me anguish.

And I can build up that constructive thought by thinking another thought that’s aligned with what’s most meaningful to me. And then add another.

Until I build in my mind a neighborhood where I want to live, instead of a neighborhood that I want to escape from.

And from there, little by little, I can begin creating an environment outside of myself that’s aligned with the neighborhood I’ve built within myself.

-JLK

When we let other people's behavior weigh us down, we carry that weight around with us.

And to me, this just doesn't make good sense.

What I think should carry the most weight is what's most meaningful to us, like our mental health, our ideas, our gifts, our golden hearts, and all the connections in our lives that lift us up.

Sometimes, we have to recalibrate our scales and choose what we're going to give weight to, so that we don't waste any time lugging around stuff that holds us back.

-JLK

Once, years ago, I was in the car with a family member.

We were going over the Tappan Zee Bridge and he opened up the window, threw out his McDonald’s bag, and yelled, “Fuck you, Cuomo!”

Back then, I didn’t say anything. I was curious though.

I understood that he didn’t think Cuomo understood or respected the people who make up the backbone of the city, working hard day after day for pennies to his thousands, but I couldn’t understand why he imagined that throwing his garbage in his own backyard proved his point.

And I guess my point in sharing this is that maybe we need to learn to communicate-to-understand each other in ways that honor the space that we all have to live in.

Otherwise, we lose sight of what’s really meaningful to us.

And instead of investing our efforts to come together and stand for the same stuff that’s meaningful to us all—like fair wages, health care, childcare, and scores of other resources to make life easier, more affordable, and more enjoyable—we risk siding with those who just have the same kinds of garbage to spread.

And we just make more messes.

All while those who take advantage of their positions in power keep busy making sure that their own needs are met, bc they are well aware that the majority of people who need more support are too angry at the wrong people to pause, come together with mutual understanding, and organize.

-JLK

Arguing with someone who is miles away from your point doesn’t usually work. And I think this is bc two different points are two different contexts and two different contexts are like two different countries.

So, if you’re arguing to defend your context and the other person has never visited your context before, and they’re doing the same thing, it isn’t likely that there’s going to be any understanding.

For myself, I’ve realized that if I want to meet on common land with someone, I have to figure out how to travel to a middle ground, a space that’s easier for us both to get to.

And one question that sometimes helps to start this journey is by my asking: What means the most to you, and why.

Asking a person what means the most to them is basically another way of asking a person where they come from and what it’s like to have come from there.

Then, I can validate what they’ve just shared. Not only bc they just shared something that means a lot to them, but bc I can’t argue with someone about where they’ve come from. I can only understand where someone has come from if I’m a safe enough space for them to want to share this information.

And then I can share what means a lot to me, based on where I’ve come from. And why.

And if the other person is in a position to listen-to-understand and validate what I’ve just said, then we’ve just entered the same territory—this middle ground.

And this middle ground will become a territory that we both care about. Bc what means a lot to us both has just been heard and validated.

-JLK

My son once asked me if bad guys know that they’re bad guys.

And I thought this was such an interesting question.

And when I gave it some thought, it occurred to me that one of the main characteristics of a bad guy is that they don’t actually think that they’re a bad guy at all.

They’ll defend themselves and in some cases feel not only justified but heroic.

So my son and I looked online to see if we could find out what the most evil bad guy thought of himself, and sure enough, we learned that even Hi**er didn’t believe he was a bad guy.

He didn’t even think his actions were evil.

Instead (and I’m paraphrasing from our search) Hi**er saw himself as a hero whose mission was to save his country. His fanatical ideology, based on racism and expansionism, allowed him to rationalize horrific acts as necessary for a higher cause.

So when we hear story after story of unspeakable brutal behavior—the latest, from Chicago, where children were dragged naked from their beds, away from their mothers, in the middle of the night and taken away in U-Hauls—and we hear people justifying this behavior instead of being at a complete loss for words bc of the absolute horror that this actually happened, it’s bc these people who are responsible for this happening don’t realize that they’re being bad guys. They have zero awareness that what they’re doing is evil.

Human beings are human beings. And anyone who believes that some human beings deserve to have their naked children snatched in the middle of the night, without honoring their humanity or their dignity or their safety or their rights for due process, is not thinking clearly.

So it is up to those who know better to keep sounding the alarm, with our voices loud and clear that this not normal. That dehumanizing people is wrong. That no human being, especially children, should be treated with violence and contempt.

There is no possible scenario that this behavior could be justified as being ok. It is the behavior of bad guys.

-JLK

If you’ve learned to trust your gut, along with your mind and heart, and you’ve also

created boundaries because being around people and situations that are toxic to you is just not

going to happen anymore—not after all you’ve been through—you might find yourself alone a lot.

And in this aloneness, you may sometimes feel that it’s a deficit of yours. That those toxic people

from your past must have had a point about you. And that’s why you’re alone.

But their points are from their playbook, not yours.

You have wound up alone, deliberately, because it was time to honor your perspective,

your story, and embark on a new path instead of letting those old paths keep pulling you in.

But embarking on a new path is really hard. Because a deliberate path is one you choose,

and staying on your path requires that you trust yourself, and trust that you’re expanding,

instead of being held back by constraints from the past.

The path you’re creating is your own design. So take your time. And know that you’re not alone.

There are many people embarking on paths of their own design. Call them cycle breakers,

or just plain done with the bullshit.

So pay attention—because when one of these people crosses your path, you’ll be able to tell.

And maybe you’ll want to stop and share a few words, a few smiles, a few laughs,

and give each other the incentive to keep on going.

-JLK

Maybe one way to get rid of authoritarianism, is to start with ourselves.

By creating bridges of understanding with all the parts of ourselves instead of ignoring and dismissing those parts of ourselves that are struggling and need our attention.

To ask ourselves what kind of support our own parts need and then investing in the kinds of resources that are custom-made for who we are.

Instead of threatening the various parts of ourselves to do what they’re supposed to do, or else, to sit with ourselves and figure out what’s most meaningful to us and what we’d like create based on what’s most meaningful to us.

If we’re behaving reactively, instead of shaming ourselves and fearing judgment or punishment, to get curious about what our behavior is communicating, what inner needs of ours aren’t being met, and giving ourselves understanding and compassion and the support to acquire new skills to move forward on a path that better represents who we are.

If we’re feeling insecure, instead of mocking ourselves or avoiding ourselves or keeping ourselves secret, what if we reminded ourselves that we matter—the healed and unhealed parts of ourselves—not just so that we can accomplish more, but so we can remember that we are already worthy as creative beings, alive right here, right now.

So many of us internalized an authoritarian regime from people in our pasts who may have lived in a democratic nation but never internalized a democratic constitution.

Instead, they coped in survival mode and learned to suppress themselves and then taught us to do the same.

We inherited the habit of dismissing our own perspective and great ideas, shaming ourselves, belittling ourselves, telling ourselves to get back to work and get with the program and not worry about what our needs are or if we’re being compensated or treated fairly. Bc who the hell are we anyway, thinking we matter.

We learned to stifle our voices and our values to avoid conflict, or we people-pleased under the gaze of those we feared might criticize or punish us.

We became our own authoritarians.

And these authoritarian ways trickled out of ourselves and into our loved ones and out into our communities and into our societies, and then trickled inside new generations, regenerating over and over again.

Which is maybe what’s made us so vulnerable to actual authoritarian regimes that take advantage of how little we resist to being oppressed and how reluctant so many of us are to stand up against the oppression of others.

So I think it’s so important to create new inner constitutions that define for ourselves what we want our lives to be about.

To make sure that our own inner government is a democratic one, working for us and meeting our needs, and encouraging us to speak out on issues that impact us and impact others, so that we can live and evolve as who we are, not as who we are told we should be.

Until we are so aligned with our own inner democratic principles, that when we cross paths with any authoritarianism, we don’t vote for it, we feel sickened by it.

Bc we know that in the very core of our being is a team that stands united for our best interests. That stands for connection over compliance and caring over capitalism. And extends these principals to all others.

Authoritarianism is the great diminisher of the human spirit led by unhealed human beings who monopolize power so that others can give them a sense of who they are, bc alone in their own bodies, they have no inner democracy. They are strangers to their own parts and so they need to force others to be the secure and healed parts they are unable to be for themselves.

-JLK

I think in the context of politics, it’s a bad idea to be loyal to people.

People who are loyal to people wind up getting stuck being loyal to people, even when it turns out these people aren’t at all who they claimed to be.

Being loyal to people means you’re more likely to suck it up and continue supporting someone you don’t even respect but feel obligated to, bc you invested so much into the person, that your identity, and maybe even your finances, are tied to them.

Being loyal to values, however, is something totally different.

When you’re loyal to core values, you’re no longer loyal to people.

You invest in values that support what’s most meaningful to you, and you vote for people who support those values.

And if you find out that someone you supported no longer stands for the values that you stand for, you no longer owe them your loyalty. The end.

I see people doing some wild acrobatics to justify their loyalty to people who have no values.

And hatred is not a value. It’s an unhealed wound.

People who stand for hatred and revenge aren’t interested in values.

People in power who stand for hatred and revenge will use the entire government not to unite people with shared values, but to trickle down hate and indoctrinate other unhealed people into helping them seek revenge on those they perceive as a further threat to their unhealed wounds.

When people are loyal to people, there’s a much greater chance of deliberately overlooking corruption, out of fear that if they’re no longer loyal to these people, they’ll become the new target of these people’s hate.

When people are loyal to people, they wind up being more concerned with being a traitor to the corrupt person than being a traitor to their own core values.

I think this is what we’re seeing a lot of.

And it’s sad to see this happening in a country that’s been evolving to stand for core values like caring for each other, electing people into office who actually want to serve *all* the people, investing in resources and opportunities so that every single person has the resources to reach their full potential (through fair wages, free education and healthcare) and live as the most authentic expression of who they are without fearing violence or dehumanization, and taxing the ultrawealthy so that we can invest in infrastructure and social services to make these things possible.

Not a country that was built to create foot soldiers to serve the unhealed wounds of the ultra greedy, insecure, impulsive, talentless and reckless.

-JLK

Back in 1970, there were fewer than five U.S. billionaires, while today there are over 912, which according to google, represents a growth of over 18,000%, and apparently, this figure understates the actual growth.*

To me, this is the statistic we need to be concerned about, as this administration, hopped up on hate and loaded for revenge, demonizes autism and pretends to care about children’s well-being while slashing health care, gutting services that support children and their families, rolling back environmental regulations that benefit corporations without any regard to the increase in health-threatening toxins, and prioritizing tax cuts that continue benefitting the wealthiest among us.

To me, this increasingly myopic, greedy and self-interested behavior is the shocking symptom of our society we need to be talking about instead of using airtime to shame exhausted mothers with a bunch of bs while objectifying and dehumanizing their precious children who are perfect, whole and complete as they are.

-JLK

*For comparison, reported cases of autism have increased about 3000% since 1970, and this figure is meaningless, considering it does not take into account the broadened diagnostic criteria, increased awareness, and better screening. Autistic people have been around since the beginning of our time here on earth. Autistic people belong here. We could all benefit by learning more about the world through autistic eyes.

Ran into this in my memories…

Today I heard an older person say: “That’s what life is all about. You do things you don’t want to do. It sucks. But you do it anyway.”

And I found this so sad and depressing.

And I wanted to say, “No, no, no, there’s another way!”

And I also found myself thinking, “I bet this is what some “demand avoidant” kids are naturally rebelling against.

They might be saying “no,” but maybe what they’re really saying is, “My fuel is valuable. And I’m going to use it for the things I care about! Not for the things I don’t!”

Maybe they’re trying to fuel a different machine. Not one that sucks for them. One that works for them.

-JLK

I am a catastrophizer.

My mind can go to worst-case scenarios at Olympian speeds.

Of course, if someone else should see my situation and share their worst-case scenario about it, I would be outraged that they were incapable of seeing the possibility in my situation.

It’s a weird thing.

But in my own mind, when I see the worst-case scenario, it’s hard for me to be outraged by my own catastrophizing.

Instead, I hear what Ross Greene calls “shark music.”

I look at my kid and hear that ensuing panic start to play: “dun dun…” and I know the shark of all my worries is coming at me, and I think, “Oh my god… my kid will never do (fill in the blank).”

And then I hear it again: “dun dun…” and I think, “Holy shit, and it’s all my fault…!”

And the shark’s really gaining on me now: “dun dun…” and I feel myself in full-panic mode: “Dammit, I should have done more! I didn’t do enough! I’ve ruined my kid’s entire life!!!!”

At this point, if I let the catastrophizing reach its pinnacle, I will be at my son’s side, accompanied by my panic, asking him nicely through clenched teeth if he can please do the thing (fill in the blank) now.

But thankfully, I hear Kristy Forbes - Autism & ND Support ‘s beautiful voice and wisdom in my mind, interrupting the shark music: “Connection over control.”

And I breathe a sigh of relief. And I thank Kristy through the ether.

Because yes. Isn’t that what matters most? Connection? Isn’t that what I craved throughout my whole childhood, but instead, I was given constant criticism, constant nudging? To the point where I isolated myself just to have some autonomy without being constantly interrogated? Yes.

So I shift lanes, out of the path of sharks, and into the path of connection.

The *fill in the blank* is not something I can control. But with connection, I create a safe space for possibilities to emerge.

-JLK

I took a break from posting bc I was being tested by these perimenopause symptoms. Full body itching. Oh my god. I couldn’t figure out what was causing it and then the hot flashes got worse.

How does a body turn into a furnace?! My goodness.

So I wound up taking too many herbs which made me feel icky. And then the other day, spontaneously, the itching stopped. And so did the hot flashes. I have no idea why.

There’s this herbalist in upstate ny named Susun Weed. I went to one of her talks years ago. She was so fierce and confident in all the ways I was not.

And I watched her, mesmerized. (And I remember looking around at the other women there, some with their mouths opened, as if shocked by what they were hearing.)

And even though I was still a little squirt, way before perimenopause, something she said stuck with me.

She said, and I’ll paraphrase, bc I don’t recall her exact words. Hopefully I’ll get the gist correct:

That heading into menopause is when women find their power—it’s the rising of our heat, out of dormancy, and into our full bodies.

The Kunta energy in kundalini is the energy that can stay dormant in what we think of as the sexual energy centers, but really, those parts of our body are so much more—they are the life force centers.

And menopause is the natural awakening, when this energy begins to slowly flow to all the other areas of our body, and then rises up to our heads and out into the world as the full expression of who we are, not who we’ve been told we should be.

It can be uncomfortable, she said, bc women’s energy has so often been squashed and forced into staying safely and politely contained inside of our bodies.

And that heat stuck in our bodies can feel like hell.

But if we can let it out, we can let the dormant parts of ourselves, our most authentic voices that express what’s most meaningful to us out into the world.

Let our innate wisdom and our fierce and loving hearts advocate for what is fair and just in our environments and communities.

And if someone gets intimidated and tries to shut us back into the small shell we were raised to stay in, and we laugh heartily, refusing to stay constrained, we might be called a kunt.

But now, we’ll know that’s actually a compliment.

They’ve noticed our kunta energy rising, our kundalini energy, the true awakened expression of our most authentic selves—and we can say, “Why thank you for noticing!”

After all these years, that stuck in my mind, what she said.

And it came in handy this week.

Bc even though hot flashes are not fun, when I remember that there’s empowerment in that heat (regardless if I remembered all the details correctly), it helps me to embrace it and to use it and to feel more like myself. Not my old self. But an evolving self that I’m getting to know and appreciate and love.

Sending love to you all.

-JLK

From what I’ve noticed, people don’t clutch their pearls, they clutch their contexts. Like life preservers. To keep themselves safe in this tumultuous world.

So whenever I want someone to understand my context, I’ve learned from experience that I’ll have a much greater chance to be understood if I ask what they’re holding onto and listen-to-understand, instead of saying, “I see what you’re you’re holding onto—a bunch of bullshit!”

Whenever I try to push someone off their context, they’ll likely grasp onto their context even more. And what they’ll be trying to tell me is: “Hey, I’m safe here. And it doesn’t sound like you give a crap about my safety, so I highly doubt I’d be safe over there with you.”

But if I can share what I’m holding onto and why it’s keeping me safe, they might be able to relate, bc no matter what our contexts are, the reason we hold onto them is the same—they keep us safe, in whatever meaning of the word we’re currently holding onto.

As I get older, I often don’t need others to understand my context as much as I used to. But if I do want someone to understand my context, I realize now that I have to be willing to understand theirs first, even if what they’re holding onto would never be something I’d want to hold onto.

Without a mutual connection it’s difficult to care for one another. And in my experience, it’s only when people finally start to care for one another and recognize that we occupy the same waters, that we can even be in a position to find the incentive to want to keep each other safe.

And it seems like if we want peace in this world, we need to figure out how to keep each other safe.

-JLK

If someone isn’t valuing the idea of healing their past wounds and refuses to follow through with the commitment of taking a deeper look at their triggers and where they come from, they will not be able to hear nonviolent communication.

Everything they hear will be heard as an attack.

And if you attempt to let them know that your perspective isn’t an attack, it’s simply how you experience the moment, how you’re communicating what you feel and what works or doesn’t work for you, they will assume you are still attacking them and they may pull out their arsenal in defense. Things they know will cause a wound.

Bc those are the strategies of the archaic battle:

If I am wounded, I will wound back.

Statements like “Calm down” or “You need to see a therapist.” Or “Are you getting your period?” Or “Why do you have to take everything so seriously?” Or “This isn’t fun.” Or “Why do you always have to have a problem.”?” Or “So and so was right about you.”

When dealing with the unhealed parts of people, I believe it’s important to wear a bullet proof vest. And in these kinds of battles, to me, this means you have to recognize that these “bullets” have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person standing in front of you, who wants you to be for them everything they refuse to be for themselves:

Unconditionally loving and understanding, laboring 24/7 to meet their emotional needs, to understand what’s at the root of their behavior and work hard to offer those wounds compassion, etc etc.

But no, this isn’t anyone’s job but theirs.

It’s awful when people don’t see the impact of their not healing, and they only see life not working and believe it’s everyone’s fault but their own.

If this is a situation you find yourself in, pls stop investing in other people’s healing and do the hard work of shifting your focus to what you’d like to see grow in your proverbial garden. Do you really want to water something with your precious resources that refuses to grow? I’m thinking probably not.

Life can be so tortuous. And perhaps even more so for people who struggle with brains that process differently but are still expected to muscle through and comply with expectation after expectation in a world that’s been created for more typical brains.

And some of us mask which hurts ourselves, but some of us lash out to save face and keep people from noticing what they may perceive as shortcomings, and this hurts other people.

And to me, when adults refuse to get support for their unhealed parts, and they continue to believe that other people deserve to suffer all bc they aren't willing to see what’s really underneath their own blindspots, it’s not ok.

And for those who don’t believe they need to invest in their healing, here’s what I know to be true: Stress caused by reactive, unhealed adult behavior is contagious.

It bleeds through all members of one’s family and teaches those people destructive ways to cope with conflict until the day comes when the original unhealed person winds up being the one who gets hurt by their own arsenal.

But, healing is also contagious. It spreads healing from heart to heart with humor, vulnerability, peace and connection that turns difficult moments into the kind of beautiful moments we actually want to live in.

-JLK

I respond very differently to the circumstances of my life depending on whether I’m in turbulence-mode or safe-on-the-ground-mode.

Turbulence-mode feels like those moments 30,000 feet-in-the-air, when dying seems less far-fetched than usual, and I feel terrified and pray to be given another chance to really appreciate everything I have.

Of course this mode isn’t only activated on planes, it can happen any time life reminds me how fragile it is.

And safe-on-the-ground-mode is what happens when safety has been activated and I start to scan my surroundings, and I feel creative and even inspired to manifest my ideas into reality.

Or I scan my surroundings to figure out how things could be better—where there’s room for improvement and for growth and progress.

Bc circumstances in life are unpredictable, many of us shift from turbulence-mode to safe-on-the-ground-mode on and off all day long.

And we influence each other, depending on which mode we’re in, creating either turbulence or calm for each other.

But with all of this happening at the same time, it can feel nearly impossible to find any consistency.

I think the answer, as usual, for how to have a bit more consistency, and a bit more sanity, is through awareness.

By paying attention to the things that send us straight into turbulence mode: maybe we have really difficult circumstances, or even dangerous circumstances, or maybe we suffer from anxiety or trauma.

And also by paying attention to when we’re in safe-on-the-ground-mode: noticing what we feel inspired by and if we allow ourselves to manifest our ideas, or if we get a little too preoccupied with how to make things better to the point where we not only lose inspiration but lose gratitude for the things that are already sacred right now.

I find when I can access awareness (which also doesn’t happen consistently) I’m able to pause and feel which mode I’m in and then choose what to do next based on what's most meaningful to me.

Lately, what’s most meaningful to me is finding understanding and compassion for myself and others.

So if I’m in turbulence-mode, and I’m aware that I’m in turbulence-mode, I might write exactly what I’m experiencing until I can better understand what I’m going through, which often helps me feel safe-on-the-ground.

Or if I catch myself feeling critical and resentful that things are not the way I wish they were, I might come up with an idea to create something new that represents what’s most meaningful to me, which will also help me feel more safe on the ground.

Or, if I’m feeling safe on the ground and run into someone who’s not, instead of judging them or joining them on their turbulent plane, I might share my calm by offering a bit of listening-to-understand and maybe share something that helps me when I’m in turbulence.

Life can be so unpredictable and out of control, and many of us have been experiencing more turbulence than ever these days, sometimes without even being aware if it.

So I think it’s extra important to be aware of our modes, and to support ourselves as best as we can with compassion and understanding so we can keep ourselves safe on the ground as often as possible, where we have access to our best ideas to make life better, not only for ourselves but for each other.

-JLK

I used to think that if I healed, I’d no longer have these parts of myself that cause me shame, pain and embarrassment. I thought my awareness would disintegrate them all and I’d be free.

What I realize now is that the purpose of my awareness is not to disintegrate these parts of myself I’m not proud of, but to integrate them. And to give these parts of myself love, understanding and compassion.

There’s enough space inside myself to hold everyone I’ve been with grace, whenever I can remember to do so.

With grace, I can see that my past behavior was how I tried to solve the problem of feeling like I didn’t matter. And man did I try. I just didn’t realize that mattering is an inside matter. And I didn’t realize that there’s a distinction between sharing myself to connect and sharing myself to see if I’m worthy to connect with.

Through healing, I can be aware of the many parts of myself, and I can recognize that all these parts of myself are worthy of my love, compassion and understanding.

-JLK

Years ago, I had this dream that stuck with me. Actually, it was a nightmare.

The earth had split in two.

And each side began to float away in opposite directions.

Not elegantly. But quite violently.

Everyone was absolutely terrified, obviously.

Bc it suddenly became very starkly clear that these two sides would not be able exist on their own.

They needed each other.

And as the two sides split and separated off their once-shared axis, on fire as if bleeding from the core, the screams around the globe were horrendous—people reaching out their hands to connect and rejoin and save the earth.

But it was too late.

I woke up terrified and wondered if this was some premonition for the future. No, that’s ridiculous, I told myself.

And yet today, when the dream surfaced in my mind, it seemed like it had come true in some ways.

And I’m left with this truth: there really aren’t any sides.

There are just different apertures of awareness, and consequences when people are shortsighted. And consequences that are especially dire when shortsighted people hold positions of power.

It’s not about sides, it’s about apertures of awareness. And the perspective with the largest aperture will always have the most value, bc it has the access to all the other perspectives and is able to see clearly that underneath all our healed and unhealed parts, everyone’s life is precious and everyone deserves freedom.

Including the freedom to reach our potential to contribute, which necessitates having our basic needs met, including health care and housing and education and free elections.

And the freedom to express ourselves and share our perspectives, wherever we happen to be dialed-in in our aperture of awareness.

And the freedom to live life without fearing violence.

Without access to freedom for everyone, there can be no possibility for peace. Bc those who don’t have freedom will always be fighting for it.

That’s why peace is not just important for humans, but for our entire planet.

And to me, those who refuse to embrace this largest of all perspectives are missing perhaps the most vital perspective of all.

Those who celebrate war—and by war I mean any time one group of people dehumanizes and deprives another group of people their freedom, they are creating a fissure, and over time I’d imagine if this fissure gets deep enough, it will become too deep to repair.

In my nightmare, there were no laugh emojis. Nobody was feeling smug that the other side got what they were asking for.

Everyone was horrified. And it was all over.

The idea of some messiah coming was replaced by the Big Regret: Because as it turned out, *we* were the people who were born to save ourselves and each other. And yet, not enough of us realized this, and not enough of us had what it might have taken to step, with humanity and compassion, into those bigger shoes to unite everyone together in the name of life and reverence.

Celebrating the destruction of one side or the other not only causes damage to one side, but to everyone.

We need each other.

And we need to acknowledge our shared axis that we all depend on.

To me, this shouldn’t be about religion or politics, it should be about what we want to role model for our children who will inherit this awful mess.

-JLK

Yes. It’s ok to choose yourself.

If you were neglected throughout your developmental years, choosing yourself may feel very selfish and greedy, bc maybe being a good kid meant being there for your caregivers and letting them know that you chose them over yourself.

Sometimes parents who are still wounded kids in adult bodies can imagine that their own kids are the ones who will finally save them or give them the experience that they matter and that their perspective matters.

But this isn’t ok. It’s not a kid’s job to save their parent or stick by their dysfunctional parent’s side.

Only when we choose ourselves can we care for ourselves and realize that we matter.

Only when we choose ourselves can we begin to feel whole and complete within ourselves, and be in a position to share ourselves, pursue interests that are meaningful to us, and be present enough to meet the needs of our own kids.

So if your needs and wants were constantly viewed as outrageous or selfish bc your caretakers wanted your focus on them instead, you might have learned to squash your needs bc you learned that having wants and needs is a sign of being a terrible person.

You might feel you have to sneak your wants and needs so that no one finds out you have any. Or just forgo your needs altogether and silently resent everyone.

Choosing yourself doesn’t mean to only choose yourself. But if we don’t choose ourselves first, we might be looking our whole lives for other people to choose us first.

And not only will this be a perpetually disappointing experience, we’ll also miss out on the experience of choosing who we want to be in this world and what we want our life to stand for.

-JLK

Because of my childhood, I have it ingrained that if there's going to be a difficult conversation, it's going to lead to the squashing of my perspective followed by punishment. So it's no wonder l've shied away from difficult conversations as an adult.

But what l've been learning is that it is possible to have difficult conversations that end with deeper connections.

And the ingredients to do so are: communicating-to-be-understood, listening-to-understand, a pause to remind myself that we're all containers of different experiences with different levels of awareness, and a dash of humor when needed.

-JLK

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if schools replaced debate clubs with validate clubs.

Where instead of kids practicing so hard to win, they’d practice how to understand each other and connect, despite their differences.

Not based on what they’ve heard on the news, but based on what’s meaningful to them according to their own lived experience.

Maybe it’s time to update the language of success. Instead of “he killed it” or “he set it on fire.” How about, “I felt a lot better about myself and my life after spending time together.”

I wonder what kind of world this would be if we built more bridges of understanding instead of chasms that divide. With safety nets for those who lost their way and resources so people can get back up and head on a better path.

I wonder what our society would look like if we built more bridges of understanding, where we met in the middle, not to destroy each other, but to discover what’s meaningful to us both and build something new that reflects it.

-JLK

For people who deal with trauma…

In my experience, compound trauma is cumulative trauma.

Say you experienced a traumatic event in your early years and you coped with that event the best you could, but your coping style was destructive (bc you didn’t know any other way to cope) and bc of this, you wound up in situations where you were traumatized again. And maybe again.

Over time, even if you’ve shifted into constructive coping and no longer cope destructively, if something should happen out of the blue that reminds you of something that happened in the chain of past cumulative traumatic events that you were wounded and re-wounded by, your stored reactions to what happened may get activated.

When this happens, it’s a full body experience.

And you may feel yourself losing ground in the present moment, as if you’re suddenly slipping away from yourself like a row of dominoes leading right back to the past.

In the moment of this happening, it can feel very difficult to figure out if you’re actually safe or in danger.

And it can be very hard to determine what’s real, bc those old memories will be activated, and you will be seeing different perspectives of your current situation through a variety of those old lenses, along with the old panic, as if you’re currently re-experiencing the same trauma.

This is something I deal with from time to time. And it is not fun.

It can feel like life as we know it is over. That everything is ruined. Again. And for myself, I notice that this happens more during hormonal fluctuations.

I find the best thing to do in these moments to help me return to the present time, is to write what has happened, and figure out through writing what specifically triggered the associated memory.

Through writing, we can activate the most healed part of ourselves and write, in-dialogue form, with the least healed parts of ourselves by asking questions to ground these unhealed parts back into the present moment.

For instance: “What are you most worried about right now, my dear? Is the panic you’re experiencing based on what happened today or is it based on what today reminded you of, from way back when you found yourself stuck inside some really upsetting circumstances. My poor dear, you were so brave to make it through those times. Let’s look around at our current circumstances and see if we’re still in danger, or if we’re actually safe. Can you do that with me?”

You might be surprised to discover that you can now be the one to help yourself find an anchor of stability and comfort along with a creative plan to problem solve, if necessary.

And you might be surprised to discover that by supporting yourself like this, you will have accessed some really healthy coping strategies.

And then, when and if you are able, you can seek out more support. Bc the more support, the less alone you will feel. And panic thrives in isolation.

And the more support, the more tools you will gain to store in your toolbox, to help you any time you need to heal what is still hurting inside.

And by doing so, you will deepen the trust you have with yourself, knowing that you are now able to keep yourself safe.

Trauma and panic are not fun. But they are not permanent.

If you go through this, please know that there is nothing to be ashamed of, only everything to have compassion and understanding for.

You are absolutely not the only one who goes through this. And you are absolutely worth the effort it takes to heal.

Just as trauma can be cumulative, so can healing. 

-JLK

There are so many brilliant people who just couldn’t catch a break.

They were always just a few circumstances away from homelessness, and then, those circumstances arrived.

They were in a bad situation and then they were out on the steeet.

This happened to my mother. A few times.

Each time, she moved in with me.

But if I hadn’t been there, she would have found herself not knowing what to do.

She would have been seen through the gaze of others as a homeless person instead of what she really was—a brilliant, hilarious, kind-hearted human being with the best ideas and so much to offer.

She just couldn’t catch a break.

And after enough times of not catching a break, gravity starts to take hold. And people lose hope.

If my mother had become homeless, she might have been seen as an eyesore instead of what she was—someone who could light up any space with her talents and her ability to make people laugh and feel welcome and ok. Someone who just needed some quality support to help her reach her potential.

I remember one time, she spent the night in a bus station waiting for the next bus to bring her to me.

And she called to tell me the funniest thing. “A cop woke me up,” she said. “I’d fallen asleep on the bench here and he thought I was a homeless person! Can you imagine!?”

It was such a profound moment for me bc I realized—homeless people aren’t homeless to themselves.

They’re still the same person, except, they lost everything they had.

They’re people who still have so much to offer, but just couldn’t find an outlet to contribute.

And then they sunk into despair and coped their best from way down there.

When I hear people say reckless things about the homeless, it tells me they’ve never really talked to someone who’s lost everything.

When I hear people say these things who have more money than they know what to do with, it makes me realize how unfortunate it is that they still can’t afford a perspective that exceeds their own personal narrative.

And I wonder—who’s to blame for homelessness?

The person without a home?

Or a society that doesn’t seem to understand that we’re in this together?

A society that doesn’t seem to understand that really, we are each other—different circumstances, yes, but with the same being deep inside that’s always wanted so badly to contribute and make this world a better place for us all.

Instead, we’re a society powered by the ultrawealthy who’ve lost touch with everything outside of themselves.

Who shout “work harder!” only so that the system keeps working best for them.

The ultrawealthy who refuse to invest in their fellow human beings bc the investment doesn’t support their interest rate.

When you see a homeless person who can’t afford a meal or a bath, remember, they’re not homeless to themselves. They’re people with brilliant ideas inside, people who fell through the cracks and couldn’t find a sturdy enough ladder up, and probably lost hope.

The most evolved society to me would be one that systemizes hope instead of poverty.

That connects every human being with resources to bring out their potential instead of discarding human beings off sidewalks so that the wealthiest among us don’t have to lose their appetites on their way to the restaurant.

-JLK

So many of us became good noticers bc we had to be hypervigilant. But as we heal, we can use the skill we cultivated— being good noticers—and choose what we'd like to notice.

We no longer need to spend our time focusing microscopically on people's unhealed behavior and devote our lives to figuring out what it means about us.

We can focus our attention on things we're passionate about, things that are most meaningful to us, and we can invest our energy into these things and notice how our investments keep growing.

-JLK

When a kid's point gets invalidated again and again, it's likely they'll grow into an adult who settles for another person's point and keeps theirs to themselves because they will still doubt its validity.

It's a recipe for that person to get stuck inside a life that's not a match for who they are, because of having grown up assuming there mustn't be a place for who they are to exist in the world.

—

So many of us grew up like this.

It takes practice to honor our own perspective and it takes practice to share it. And it takes practice to remember to give our kids the space so that they can practice sharing theirs.

-JLK

“If you were a firefighter would there be anyone you wouldn’t rescue?”

“No,” I said to my son. “I’d rescue anyone and everyone I could.”

With the world on fire, I think of his question.

And I think being a firefighter is a good place to stand.

Not a literal firefighter.

But one committed to putting out the flames and caring for the people who’ve been burned, sometimes just for existing.

Yes, there are people who start fires.

Sometimes I think they mistake the flames for a spotlight, a place where they can finally be seen.

And other people fan the flames, perhaps hoping to be part of that movement that looks so fierce and all consuming.

Or maybe some just want to watch it all burn, bc that feels so much better than feeling like they’ll never belong.

But if I see someone fanning the flames, I’m not going to waste time asking why.

You can’t reason with an arsonist, not with a lit match.

Instead, I’ll do my best to prevent it from spreading and hurting people who are busy building stronger foundations.

If I see someone fanning the flames, I’m not going to waste time asking why.

Instead, I will do what I can to prevent it from spreading and interrupting the people creating community, supporting each other, and encouraging their children to pursue a future stronger than an arsonist could ever be.

Some people mistake the flames they stoke as a spotlight, just until the moment they start to feel the heat.

And I’d imagine once they find themselves alight in their own flames, they might realize that they too need a firefighter. Someone who would rescue them, even from their own consequences.

And that’s the job of a firefighter.

Someone who would rescue anyone and everyone they could, without a second thought.

Bc when there’s a fire, it has a tendency to spread out of control.

And I fear the whole world is getting closer to being in flames.

And if the flames get bad enough, the first thing that will burn are the sides.

Because when the world is on fire, it’s on fire for us all.

I still believe most people are firefighters at heart. But it’s hard to hear our hearts when so many voices are screaming fire.

-JLK

Please don’t compare your victories or your kid’s victories with anyone else’s. Bc if your victory was just getting out of bed and you’re comparing it to someone else’s victory of running a marathon, you miss your own accomplishment.

Even if your goal is to run a marathon, how will you appreciate yourself for even taking the first step if you’re mad at yourself for not having crossed the finish line.

To me self-love and self-appreciation are the true victories. Wherever these things lead is secondary.

And this is so antithesis to this culture that is so often standing at the finish lines oohing and aahing.

I say we find value in whatever step we’re at. Not pushing ourselves and our kids, but finding safe spaces and outlets that naturally pull our interests and passions out of ourselves and into the world where they can make a difference for ourselves and each other.

-JLK

A piece about two kinds of communication: communicating-to-be-heard and communicating-to-be-understood.

Though I think the majority of people really want to connect and be understood, many of us don’t have the skills to communicate-to-be-understood.

And I think one reason for this is because very few people are role-modeling what it looks like to communicate-to-be-understood.

Probably because so many of us are too busy communicating-to-be-heard.

Communicating-to-be-heard is very contagious. Because what do most of us want to do when someone lashes out at us? We want to lash back.

If someone says some variety of “shut up,” it’s very hard not to say some variety of, “No, YOU shut up.”

Or for those more mild-mannered people, if someone says some variety of, “I don’t like your behavior.” Then I might say, “Well, now you know how I felt three days ago, when you had that same behavior.”

It’s a game of offense/defense that only ends when someone develops the skills to shift out of going back and forth and steps forward into a new way of being, with a completely different intention: to understand instead of win.

But how can anyone step forward when we don’t even know that direction exists?

Communicating-to-be-heard begins in childhood.

Let’s say a little kid tries to express themselves to get their needs met and they don’t have the skills to communicate-to-be-understood.

Which is always the case with little children. We all start out as containers of reactions, communicating-to-be-heard.

So the little kid screams, and the adult more than likely runs over to the little kid to meet their needs, and the little kid stops screaming.

But then what happens as we get older?

Well, in an ideal world, I’d imagine our parents would teach us the skill of communicating-to-be-understood.

And I’d imagine our parents would teach this skill by role-modeling it themselves, by being empathetic and curious about our upset behavior, and reflecting back to us what they think we might be feeling until we’re calm enough to communicate-to-be-understood and share more information about our experience.

After children experience what it’s like to be reflected enough times, I’d imagine they’d practice the skill themselves, and carry the skill into adulthood.

But what if we have parents who never learned how to communicate-to-be-understood? What if our parents never had role models who reflected their upsets?

From what I’ve noticed, when this is the case, what we wind up having in our homes is a bunch of people in bodies both big and small, filled to the brim with way too many unreflected upsets, still communicating-to-be-heard.

And once those people in small bodies get a little older and a little bigger, if they’re still communicating-to-be-heard, instead of the adults running towards them to meet their needs, the adults are much more likely to run in the opposite direction.

And the sad part about this is when these unreflected kids become parents and communicate-to-be-heard with their own kids, and it’s their own kids who wind up running away or shutting down.

When parents don’t have access to the skills that would help reflect their kids’ feelings underneath their behavior, their kids’ problems don’t get solved. They get worse.

And the parents might still think they’re doing the right thing by continuing to communicate-to-be-heard.

After all, they’re simply regurgitating what they learned from their own parents—that when a child is communicating-to-be-heard, it’s their responsibility, and their right as a parent, to stop the behavior by communicating-to-be-heard louder.

But the blind spot is that these parents have forgotten how traumatizing that experience was, and they’re unable to get that they are giving their kids this same awful experience.

And if the kid continues to communicate-to-be-heard, some adults might go from deflection to protection, and even hurt their kid to get them to stop, because their kid’s communicating-to-be-heard is so difficult for them to be with.

Here’s what I’ve noticed about those old-fashioned strategies:

Deflecting instead of reflecting creates disconnection instead of connection.

And when people go from deflection into protection, it gets even worse.

When people disconnect from their feelings and from each other in protection mode, they tend to explode—by getting really loud and scary—or they implode, by completely shutting down.

And when kids and parents get stuck in the cycle of communicating-to-be-heard together, everyone winds up stressed out. Which in turn causes everyone to continue communicating-to-be-heard.

Can you see what a messy cycle this is?

And then the people in this stressful cycle go out into the world and what do you think they do when they cross paths with other upset people?

Do you think they’re going to be available to reflect and connect?

My guess is not so much, because their brains are already wired to deflect and disconnect. So even more people get left feeling dismissed.

There’s a whole lot of people walking around with upset feelings they don’t know what to do with.

We so badly want to be understood and reflected, but so many of us don’t know how to get this to happen. And we’re left isolated, secretly traumatized and full of various amounts of shame.

Next, enter school.

So we’ve got a bunch of stressed-out kids and adults and we’ve also got all of these schools in every town so that kids can go inside and learn something to help them have a bright future.

But how much time do schools devote to teaching the skills to communicate-to-be-understood?

Thankfully, some devote at least some time for this. But more often than not, at least from what I’ve seen, kids are being taught to communicate-to-understand math or communicate-to-understand someone else’s perspective that may or may not have anything to do with their own.

And though there are plenty of kids who do fine meeting these expectations, these other kids, who are already so stressed out, can’t cope at all with meeting these expectations.

And when these stressed-out kids are sitting at their desks being asked to figure out math problems instead of getting help figuring out the problems that make it so uncomfortable to be inside their skin, they are likely going to start communicating-to-be-heard, simply because they don’t know what else to do... and more trouble begins.

And why does more trouble begin?

Because many teachers aren’t trained to reflect their students’ upsets underneath their behavior.

For all we know, they’ve never even had their own feelings reflected.

So instead of reflecting the upset, and offering support to help make meeting expectations easier, some teachers, even the ones who care so much for their students, feel obligated to stop the behavior using that old-fashioned strategy called communicating-to-be-heard.

So maybe they label the kid as an interruption or they give the kid a bad grade or they send the kid to the principal’s office.

And what does this accomplish? Yet more shame and disconnection and more shutting down.

When kids fail to meet expectations at home and also at school, and aren’t taught what to do with their unexpressed concerns, thoughts and ideas—over time, I’d say it’s likely they’re going to assume their concerns, thoughts, and ideas just don’t matter. And at some point they may even decide they don’t matter.

And if kids feel they don’t matter, what does anyone expect will happen?

These kids who have no one to turn to will begin turning to the only coping mechanisms available to them.

Maybe some get lucky and find a constructive outlet to share themselves. That’s what the gaming world is for a lot of kids.

Or maybe they find other stressed-out kids and avoid their pain together by engaging in reckless behavior that feels so much more free and stimulating than the endless cycle of being misunderstood and dismissed.

Maybe some stressed-out kids inflict pain onto themselves because at least it’s pain they know for sure they’re feeling, and no one can deflect it.

Maybe some become bullies and pick on the most vulnerable kids because they can’t bear to see anyone showing emotions without making sure those emotions get dismissed.

Or maybe some of these kids bully themselves into complying with expectations because they don’t want their difficulties to make them seem less-than.

So how do we stop this big mess?

How do we learn to communicate-to-be-understood when next to no one is teaching these skills?

Well, in my opinion, we have to be the ones to teach ourselves how to communicate-to-be-understood.

We have to choose to stop the volleying back and forth and step forward into a new direction, into a new way of being.

This means that even if we have no one in our life who has the skills to reflect our upsets—the stuff underneath our behavior—we are going to have to practice reflecting ourselves.

And that’s where writing comes in.

Writing, at least in my experience, is a wonderful way to reflect our own thoughts and feelings and concerns.

I usually pick an upset.

I write about the specifics of what happened and why it upset me.

The upset doesn’t have to be huge. Many of us are taught that something has to be literally on fire to count as upsetting.

But as far as I’m concerned, anytime you’re feeling dismissed or deflected or you feel like you don’t matter, or you feel that something you care about isn’t being honored, it’s upsetting.

So I write the scene of what happened according to how I experienced it.

Was it something from my past that triggered my reaction and sent me into wanting to communicate-to-be-heard?

Was it a concern in the moment that triggered me?

Something about the environment I was in, that stressed me out?

I try to remember that underneath every communication-to-be-heard is my desire to be understood and connected with.

And communicating-to-be-understood doesn’t mean stifling my anger either. It means expressing whatever I’m experiencing in a way that represents my authentic lived experience.

So I continue writing for a few moments getting in touch with all of my thoughts and concerns, until I feel understood and connected to myself.

And that’s what’s meant by reflection.

Next, I write what I wish would have happened.

How would I have liked the other person to have responded?

How would I have preferred connecting with that person?

Next, I think about the behavior of the person who upset me. And I try to imagine what was underneath their behavior, remembering that many of us come from generations of people who’ve been left disconnected instead of reflected.

What do I think the other person would have wanted to communicate if they had the skills to communicate-to-be-understood?

What would I say to that person if they were able to share this kind of communication with me?

Sometimes I find a bit of empathy not only for myself, but for all these other people who communicate-to-be-heard, because I realize we’re all coming from a place of feeling dismissed.

For all I know, maybe they’ve never been reflected by anyone in their entire life.

Once we get familiar with the practice of communicating-to-be-understood with ourselves, we can try it with another person.

We can communicate-to-be-understood and then we can listen-to-understand, by creating a safe space for the other person to also communicate-to-be-understood.

And then we can validate what they’ve said.

This doesn’t mean agree. It means we’ve listened-to-understand where they’re coming from.

Communicating-to-be-understood doesn’t mean other people won’t frustrate or trigger us.

It doesn’t mean we need to respect other people’s style of coping with past trauma.

But by giving people a chance to show up as who they are underneath their behavior, it keeps us aligned with our commitment to communicating-to-be-understood instead of continuing the old tradition of communicating-to-be-heard.

And when someone isn’t able to or willing to connect with you the way you’d like them to, you can remind yourself that their behavior is absolutely not a reflection of who you are.

It’s a reflection of what might still be in the way of their listening.

But regardless of who is or isn’t receptive to your communicating-to-be-understood, you always have the ability and the privilege of connecting with yourself and with those who share your perspective.

When we give up the volley of offense/defense that is communicating-to-be-heard, we can create the space to communicate-to-be-understood.

It takes practice to communicate-to-be-understood.

I have to practice every time I get upset with the people in my life, and I still don’t always get it right.

But I believe it’s more important than ever to make the effort.

Bc more and more, people are using violence as a form of communication, which to me, is the most extreme version of communicating-to-be-heard.

And I just don’t see violence as a path that leads to lasting peace. It certainly hasn’t thus far. And I believe our children deserve better.

-JLK

When you share in an authentic way what really matters to you, there might be people who are not happy to hear what you have to say.

They might tell you, “Hey, calm down. Enjoy your life, stop sounding so angry!”

But I believe those who respond like this aren’t familiar with the concept of communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand.

They misinterpret strong feelings as conflict instead of people expressing what’s so for them. And conflict is something they’re very uncomfortable with.

There are a lot of messed up things happening right now in our country.

And yes, I think it’s important to pursue joy and build bridges of understanding whenever possible.

And yet I also think it’s incredibly important to share one’s thoughts and perspectives on the many upsetting things that are currently happening in the news.

Bc one reason we’re in this situation is bc so many of us were taught that if we don’t have anything nice to say, we should say nothing at all.

But what happens when we say nothing? The space gets taken over by people who don’t have anyone’s interests in mind but their own.

Stifling one’s perspective is not how we do our part to steer our society on a path towards a better future for all of us.

Lessergizing ourselves is something a lot of us learned to do in our childhoods.

We worried how we’d be received if we shared our truths, and we feared that love might be withheld if we did. And it often was.

So we labored to figure out the most digestible way to express ourselves, which often wasn’t expressing ourselves at all, but rather being who we imagined the other person wanted us to be.

These days, I try to remember to spend my energy figuring out what's real for me, so that when I do share myself, I know I'm being the most authentic version of myself.

And that way, if someone doesn't receive me, or appreciate what l've communicated, I know it's out of my hands, because there's really no one else I can be, but me.

The goal is not to be perfect. Just to be the most authentic version of who I am, as often as l'm able to, no matter who it is I'm speaking to.

-JLK

Sometimes I think my whole experience of childhood was me trying to do something like just-be-me, while all the adults were waiting for me to be more impressive.

I want my child to feel like it's impressive enough to be alive and experience himself being alive without my needing to assess his accomplishments to see if they qualify.

-JLK

In my opinion, the people who spend so much time trying to find the root cause of neurotypes that differ so greatly from their own should invest much more time and effort trying to understand the root cause of the greedy, lying, resource-hoarding, war-mongering, narrative-controlling parts of themselves that believe their entitlement and right to dehumanize others are whispers from god trying to help them win life.

I am quite certain that this is the kind of study that would make the most difference in healing our planet.

Maybe pry these people off of their yachts and off of their soapboxes and into ABA therapy so that for once, they can learn to operate inside the narrative of others and appreciate that every human being is valuable, and every human being deserves the resources to help them reach their full potential according to what that means for them.

-JLK

If you’ve seen someone completely break down, and you’ve been able to be their anchor until they’re able to find their own, it changes you.

You begin to recognize that the strength people carry sometimes takes a lot to hold onto.

And sometimes, it’s just one-too-many difficult circumstances that blows in, and in a second, that strength slips away.

I was that anchor for my mother. As much as I could be.

But at her lowest point, I never thought any less of her. In fact, seeing her at her most vulnerable gave me a new context to see other people.

Because you can’t always tell by looking at someone how close they are to completely breaking down.

So I try to make sure never to be one of those unpleasant circumstances that blows into someone’s life and knocks down their last straw.

So many of us are held together solely by hope, faith and will power. And I have learned that a little compassion can sometimes be the glue that holds someone together when one of their main ingredients runs out.

Many times, I was this glue for my mother, and many times she was this glue for me.

-JLK

This is for the people who habitually equate being alone with being neglected.

If this was your formative experience, your mind might still automatically revert to feeling neglected every time you're alone. Which can be confusing if you're also actually relieved to be alone.

It's so hard to adjust that hardwiring.

But something that helps me is to deliberately curate my moments with things that make me feel like my experience matters.

A beautiful cup for my coffee or tea, a podcast or music, some objects nearby that I find soothing, something comfortable to wear that I gifted myself, a couple minutes to journal or breathe.

Anything to help us feel, in our bodies, that we are here for ourselves, regardless if those unhealed people from our past were able to be or not.

-JLK

When your thoughts meander down memory lane, please make sure you don’t only revisit the stuff that makes you upset.

So many of us are so used to being shamed instead of appreciated.

So please make sure to stop and remember some of the things you did that made you proud.

If you take the time to look, you will definitely find many.

-JLK

If you’re exhausted but you don't think you did much, don't forget that many of us run obstacle courses in our minds all day long—dodging unpleasant memories, leaping towards opportunities, being held back by constrains from the past. Tripping over what someone said that triggered us so much it felt like we were allergic to their words. Running in circles trying to remember what the hell we're doing. Projecting ourselves into the past, projecting ourselves into the future. Trying to figure out how to feel ok, how to feel safe, how to feel beautiful and worthy and how to forge connections that feel authentic. Do you know how many miles all this stuff takes? It's an ultramarathon. No wonder you're exhausted!

-JLK

If you often feel moody and inconsistent, it might be because the adults in your childhood were unpredictable, and you survived this by being hypervigilant to their moods so that you could shift your behavior accordingly, to either get their love or avoid their toxicity.

Many of us hypervigilant people are used to waiting for cues from the people around us to tell us how we should feel, rather than getting this information from ourselves.

And maybe this is because our focus has been glued outside of ourselves for so long, from all the times we waited to have our needs met but nobody was available to meet them.

And since we never got to experience what it looked and felt like to have those needs met, we continued to wait, hypervigilantly, to see what we needed to do or who we needed to be to get those needs met.

And if as an adult you have wound up with circumstances that still feel unreliable, well, you may still feel like you’re waiting in a perpetual state of disappointment for those needs of yours to finally be met.

Except now, there’s an added consequence—this old habit of yours has made you less available and less reliable for the next generation.

And these kids are currently watching what you’re up to while waiting to have their own needs met.

See how this problem becomes intergenerational?

From my experience, one way to begin healing from this cycle is to give our focus a chiropractic adjustment—to shift it from focusing on who may or may not be paying attention to us, to back inside of ourselves, where we can begin to experience ourselves as being in the world.

This can feel very uncomfortable if you’ve been thinking this job of experiencing yourself should be someone else’s job.

And it’s ok to mourn that you missed that milestone of having your experiences honored and your needs met.

But to heal, it’s important to practice elevating our awareness beyond this toxic pattern by noticing when feelings of insecurity arise and reminding ourselves that we cannot control any of the people in our lives, including those who damaged us so long ago.

It is possible, however, to learn to soothe ourselves while these patterns are still happening.

And self-soothing can be as simple as taking the time to identify our feelings, to understand them, understand where they came from, and honor these experiences while we’re having them.

Then, we can begin to notice that underneath all these feelings is where our needs are.

And the work becomes understanding what our needs are, and being willing to step out of helplessness and into a space of creative problem solving in order to meet these needs for ourselves.

It is possible to recreate ourselves as someone capable of meeting our own needs and as someone capable of asking the right people for support.

And when we realize that our needs do in fact matter, we will begin to trust ourselves.

And trusting ourselves creates consistency, not only for ourselves, but consistency for our children.

Because while we’re learning that we matter enough to meet our own needs, we can show up for our kids to help them understand their own needs, to meet their needs, and to help them learn the skills to meet their own needs.

And this sends them the message that they matter too.

It’s hard work to leave that familiar state of perpetual overwhelm. But with a pause and a shift of focus, and a whole lot of compassion, I believe it’s possible to begin to form healthier habits.

-JLK

When a woman tells me she’s been violated by a man, I believe her.

And I think it’s important to add that men who r*pe and assault women often don’t even realize they’ve done anything wrong.

This is bc these sorts of men operate through a lens of entitlement, and they see everyone, especially women, as a means to their own end.

Reading the room? Only to survey what’s in it for them.

And I would also say, from my experience, that it’s these same sorts of men who say the stupidest things about women—that their purpose is to be wives and mothers, etc etc.

Oh my god.

What this is code for to me is that these sorts of men have never had a deep connection with a woman and have completely missed out on the expanded perspective that this would have afforded them.

So mindlessly tragic that we are still surrounded by these little teeny tiny perspectives that insist on making themselves heard.

And how even more tragic that so many people believe these sorts of men when they insist that they have received their tiny perspectives from an entity they call god.

And most tragic of all? That so many people elect these sorts of men and believe it’s an act of their faith.

As a result, these very teeny tiny perspectives wind up impacting the rest of us.

This is the kind of artificial intelligence that scares me the most.

-JLK

Reminder to myself…

When a kid's threat response is activated, he doesn't need to be disciplined or shamed or negotiated with or fixed. What he needs is a stable, secure adult to role model what it looks like to be stable and secure in the face of a stressful moment.

-JLK

Affirmation:

My body is my home. I can take up residence inside myself and find comfort in here whenever l'd like.

I am welcome here inside my body. There is no shame in my body, only younger selves waiting for me to listen to their stories and offer them my understanding.

My body is a refuge. In my body, I can practice not letting other people's behavior knock me off my axis.

I can practice remembering that other people's reactivity means that they are not currently at home in their own bodies. And I can see, that in my own way, I'm not much different.

Instead of joining the reactivity, I can access stability and peace and compassion from within.

Not only for myself, but for us all.

-JLK

A little nod to those unschooling and deschooling parents…

It can be easy to get caught up in a whirlwind of emotions as everyone gets back into systems and routines that work for their families but maybe don’t work for yours.

So this is just a little reminder that you’re not alone.

Lately I’ve been thinking of it in terms of ingredients:

Once upon a time, everyone I knew was talking about the lasagna they were having. And it sounded really delicious. Important even.

But I couldn’t make any lasagna bc I didn’t have those ingredients in my cupboard.

I tried so hard to make the lasagna with the ingredients I did have, but it never turned out. And no one was happy at the table.

But I kept trying.

Again and again.

Only the lasagna turned out worse each time.

I felt pretty defeated.

Why couldn’t I figure out how to give my kid this lasagna lifestyle?

Then one day, I opened the cupboard, only this time it occurred to me, maybe it doesn’t make sense to keep trying to make this damn lasagna with the wrong ingredients.

Maybe I could just accept the ingredients I have…

In fact, maybe if I focused on these ingredients I do have, I could make something that’s just as wonderful!

It’ll be a different thing, yes. Maybe something that no one knows about. Or understands. Or even likes. Maybe it’ll even make some people angry if they’re over and they don’t see any lasagna on the table. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be delicious and meaningful for my family.

So, I tried the ingredients I had and sure enough, it turned out I could make some pretty interesting things.

Not only was it a huge relief to give up trying to force my ingredients into being lasagna, it was a huge relief for my kid to no longer be asked to eat it.

Turns out he rather enjoys the things we can make with our own unique ingredients.

Sometimes the ingredients still don’t work as well as we’d like them too. But we’re learning to be creative and we’re learning lots of new recipes from other people who never had luck with the lasagna.

It’s hard when the systems that work for others don’t work for us. But maybe this world needs some new systems. And maybe it’s kids like ours who will inspire those new systems.

Sending love,

JLK

One email, three edits, by three different parts of myself: the vulnerable, the trying to stay safe, and my inner bodyguard…

Dear P,

It was so nice to get your email! Honestly, I had been sitting on the couch earlier, staring outside, and I had this most stark moment, bc I couldn’t remember anything that gave me hope. All I could feel were aches and pains. I’ve been having so many aches and pains lately. That, plus the anxiety is making it hard to sleep. Sometimes the days just feel like they’re swishing by like water down the toilet. Ha. Sorry for being so ridiculously morbid. Anyhow, my point in sharing that, was that when I saw your email checking in with me, it was like a huge light that hit me right in my heart. That you cared to check in out of nowhere, just bc you thought of me, lit up my day and gave me hope, that I do matter. That life matters.

Anyhow, I hope we can get together some time. Maybe you and your family can come over for dinner sometime?

I hope you’re well.

Thank you for your beautiful heart!

Love you!

-J.

Dear P,

It was so nice to get your email! I had been in a rather shitty mood, and when I saw your email, checking-in just to say hi and see how I am, it really improved my day. It’s honestly been a tough time. I’m getting ready to make some big choices, but yet, I feel so stuck and scared. And at the same time, I long so desperately for movement! Blah blah. Always something, right?

Anyhow, how are you and your family? I’d love to see you all sometime!

I hope you’re well.

Thank you again for thinking of me!

Much love,

-J

Dear P,

Thanks so much for your email! It was so nice to hear from you! It’s been so long! I can’t believe how the times passes! Nothing much going on here. Just the usual. Busy with work and family, etc. I hope all is well with you and your family! Let me know if you’re ever in the area—would be lovely to meetup, if that’s ever possible!

Thanks again for thinking of me!

J.

I didn’t realize how traumatized I was by my childhood until I got older.

And I think the reason for this is bc it wasn’t until I got older that I stopped caring as much about what others were thinking of me.

And with less of this preoccupation and less of this constant trying to earn love and validation from others, I started to notice just how much pain I was in.

I started to notice how this pain was always there, simmering, all day long under each of my moments, preventing me from feeling comfortable enough to relax.

And I started to realize that this pain felt really familiar.

I might not have given it my full attention before, but it was familiar enough for me to realize that I’d been living in pain pretty much my whole life.

Sure, I was pretty talented at pretending I wasn’t in pain. But now that I didn’t care as much what others thought of me, I wanted to really not be in pain.

So I started thinking about this pain… how it had started in my feelings so long ago, and how over time, it had spread to my thoughts and then to various parts of my body.

So that by the time I was an adult, I had gotten so used to carrying all this pain, I had learned to adapt by clenching and coping and bracing myself for more.

In some less-than-conscious way, I lived my life as if all this pain was normal.

But once I became more aware of it, I had one of those holy fuck moments. Bc I realized I didn’t want to live in all that pain anymore. But yet, I didn’t know what to do to get rid of it.

And that’s when I realized that to stop the pain, I had to heal what caused the pain.

And to find out what caused the pain, I needed to go inward and ask all those hurt parts of me what exactly had happened that caused it all.

I needed to take on the role of being my own triage nurse and sit at the bedsides of each of my hurt parts and listen.

And I needed to care about these hurt parts of myself enough not to get annoyed and dismiss them and ignore them like I’d been taught to do by all those “caregivers” from my past.

To heal my pain, I needed to ask questions and give these hurt parts the love and understanding and wisdom and compassion that I had been wanting so badly my whole life.

And I needed to work with my parts to figure out what kinds of choices we could make and what kinds of thoughts we could think to help us feel better.

I still carry a lot of pain. Sometimes I feel like I’m allergic to certain circumstances, which means I have to frequently manage that reactivity by making sure I’m prepared by having at arm’s length things that soothe me.

But something I’ve realized, as I’ve been learning about healing my pain, is that I think we’re kind of made to be our own best primary caregivers and healers, bc we have the most access to what’s real about ourselves.

And bc we have the most access to our own pain, we are in the best position to understand what it needs to heal.

Not that we can’t use support. It’s more the case that many of us still don’t have enough.

Pain is inevitable. But there is more to life than suffering. Just as we can get used to pain, we can get used to other ways of connecting with ourselves and with others and with the world that feel more fulfilling and remind us that we do belong here and that who we are matters and makes a difference.

-JLK

Nothing like typing away in a chat with customer service and not catching autocorrect in time and telling the guy “I’m so dirty” instead of “I’m so sorry.” I explained as fast as my fingers could type. Well, hopefully we both had a good laugh.

I learned to be in survival mode from my mother, who learned it from her mother, who learned it from her mother.

It’s a trait that’s been difficult not to inherit.

I can still hear my mother’s frantic voice telling me to shhhhh! in the car whenever I made the mistake of pointing out a bird or some other wonderful thing I noticed while she was in the middle of worrying about the sound of the car engine and how in the world we were going to afford the repair.

I remember the zing I felt and how I learned to just keep stuff to myself.

It wasn’t her fault. Just as it wasn’t my fault the time I caught myself snapping at my son in a similar way.

A lot of my guilt as a parent comes from the times I've been in survival mode while my precious boy was in overjoyed-to-be-alive mode.

But it's hard to join him in the present moment when I'm stuck worrying about what might be about to happen or worrying about all that's already happened.

So the practice has been to watch my son—to get out of my head and witness his joy.

It takes something to leave survive mode and enter the present moment.

It can feel like an impossible hassle to change lanes when I’ve been coasting in a lane that feels familiar.

But more and more, I realize it doesn't make sense to stay in survival mode.

I learned from my mother that if you stay in survival mode too long, sometimes life ends before you even get to really live.

-JLK

In another episode of I Can’t Believe I Just Did That…

Last night I was having trouble relaxing. What else is new. So I thought to try some magnesium oil on my feet. So I sprayed some. While the fan was on. Which caused the magnesium oil to mist right into my eyes. I said to myself, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Not only did I not relax, I spent the following hour rinsing both burning eyeballs.

So ridiculous.

Today my eyes are a lot better. But tonight, maybe I’ll just swig some of my son’s liquid Benadryl.

And the takeaway—if you’re going to spray magnesium oil, please make sure your fan is off.

-JLK

As a literal-minded person in perimenopause, I’ve realized a “hot flash” isn’t necessarily a flash of hot. It can be an interruption of random burning that comes out of nowhere starting in my face and then spreading from there.

I’m someone who hardly uses AI but it’s interesting how I’m getting more in touch with my body by having to explain precisely what I’m feeling in order to find out more info.

Why did no one speak of this huge life change growing up? Not my mother, not my grandmother, not my multiple stepmothers… did they deal with this stuff all alone? If only I had known they were on fire, I might not have taken their flamethrowing so personally!

Also, for anyone who deals with face-on-fire, I’ve started misting my face with frankincense hydrosol and it gives me a lot of relief.

Hormone changes are really tedious, but along with losing some hair and some cooler body temperatures, I’m definitely also losing some of those fucks I used to give. Now I can give more of myself, if and when I choose.

-JLK

It isn’t tough “love” if there isn’t any love.

Without love, it’s just harsh. And reactive. And toxic.

Your body can feel the difference.

If people aren’t able to pause and nurture your upsets with patience and love, if they take your upsets personally, then those people probably aren’t the people to go to when you’re upset.

A lot of us grew up trying to connect that toxic feeling with love. And a lot of us are still healing from that.

And we’re learning to connect love with healthier experiences. Experiences that feel safe and connected and nurturing and fulfilling.

-JLK

The leaders who inspire me are those who choose values over getting even. Those who still advocate for everyone, even when some of those people actively hate them and wish them unwell.

You can feel the difference in the quality of a leader who chooses values over vindictiveness. They feel more substantial, more grounded, more intelligent, good-humored, healthier, taller even.

Perhaps it's bc they stand for something bigger than just themselves.

-JLK

Boundaries are complicated.

It's hard to keep your heart open and keep your doors closed. But sometimes, that’s what’s necessary in order to heal. Like an elimination diet. Once the symptoms of trauma begin to heal, maybe you can revisit the idea of reintroducting some people—see if they still make you ill, or if you’re no longer reactive… The important thing is that it’s up to you, and only you.

-JLK

When people refuse to consider that their behavior has hurt others, and they double down to defend themselves, it doesn't convince me that they're right. It convinces me that they're unable to

understand perspectives beyond their own, and unwilling to feel pain that's not theirs.

-JLK

Neurotype labels are like addresses to me. Places where I can go and connect with people who understand.

For instance, if I can’t go to an important doctor appointment bc my son *can’t* be without me, I’m going to call someone who lives at address PDA for compassion and validation and relevant support instead of going to address “Whoa, I’d never let that happen in my house!”

In the past, I’d get so upset with people by their reactions to my untypical circumstances and my own untypical way of processing. But then I finally realized I had simply been going to the wrong places for support.

Getting support from people who understand your lived experience isn’t letting yourself off the hook in the traditional meaning of the phrase, it’s getting yourself away from being hooked by people who have no damn idea about the intricacies of your lived experience.

Getting support at the right place allows growth to happen through compassionate listening, understanding, and through ideas that actually work for your particular context.

And I can also make sure that I’m a safe address for people to come to when they need validation, compassion, and understanding.

Shame and judgment doesn’t fertilize growth, it keeps people silent and in isolation.

Thank you to all those people I’ve visited at addresses that gave me kindness and hope and ideas that actually helped!

-JLK

Person #1: I don’t practice gentle parenting.

Person #2: Well, I practice gentle parenting!

Person #1: Well, I try to role-model consistency and values with love and compassion.

Person #2: Well, I also try to role-model consistency and values with love and compassion!

Person #1: But you said you practice gentle parenting!

Person #2: Yeah, that’s what I call it! I like that it sounds way different from the way I grew up, being smacked and shamed and ridiculed every time I didn’t meet an expectation.

Person #1: Oh wow, that makes sense. I didn’t grow up like that, but I had good examples of parenting that I use today.

Person #2: That makes sense too. Maybe we should ask each other what we mean first, instead of making judgments about what we say?

Person #1: Yeah. I agree.

-JLK

“Honey, can you please turn that Valium down?”

I love when my Freudian slips get my attention and remind me that maybe it’s time for a little self-care. 

If you grew up with constant harsh punishments, you may have grown up so focused on the eyes of others seeing you, that you missed the opportunity to develop seeing the world through your own eyes.

You may have grown so used to seeing yourself and your actions and consequences through the eyes of people who might criticize you, withhold love, dismiss, mock, shame or punish you, that it still keeps you hypervigilant and reluctant to share yourself by taking chances to be who you want to be in the world.

We can't control how others see us, but it is a relief to let go of the full-time job of modifying our own self-expression to be some foolproof version of ourselves that we imagine might be better received.

Instead we can reposition our attention back inside our bodies and trust that who we are through our own perspective is someone to be proud of.

And we can make a promise to ourselves that from now on, we are going to practice seeing ourselves through the lens of compassion, appreciation, wisdom and good humor.

It is possible to own the full-package of who we are, and be proud of what we’ve got to offer. No one needs to be perfect—just as authentic as we can be and willing to grow.

-JLK

When you hook something from your sea of associations that fills you with panic and dread, and you’re clenching your whole body just to tolerate whatever it is, before you reel it all the way in, take a good look at what's on your hook—a real good look—and ask yourself:

Is this something that nourishes my well-being? Is this something that honors my path and all that I needed to experience so I could learn and grow? Does this encourage creative problem-solving with compassion for myself?

If not, unhook it and send it back to live among all those other things you've accumulated that no longer serve who you currently are.

It's so important to be deliberate on the shores of our internal waters. Not everything we've internalized is good for us. We contain treasures as well as a lot of other less-mindful people's litter.

-JLK

When I hear these supporters of this current administration, with their heels still so dug in, I can’t help but feel sad that they wouldn’t instead champion a cause with more value—even if only for themselves.

It makes me sad that they speak like walking billboards instead of human beings.

And it makes me bewildered that of all the people to get on a soapbox for, it’s for that wounded man clad in arrogance armor, who wouldn’t even spare them a single breath if they needed it to live.

I am disgusted by his willing executioners. I am disgusted by how they flock like buzzards on any person they’ve been told is the enemy by a man so removed from the lived experience of every day people, that he sees them as chess pieces he can use to win a game he’s obsessed with instead of seeing them as sentient beings trying to live life with meaning.

Needing to dominate the narrative, without even taking the time to learn who these people are in their lives—are they citizens, people who love their family, did they come here fleeing persecution, have they made meaningful contributions to their community?

No, he doesn’t care and neither do his supporters. They’ve convinced themselves that it’s they who are being threatened. And they mistake the paranoid voice in their head that justifies their actions as some voice of reason or (gasp) even the voice of god.

It’s the most dangerous comedy I’ve ever heard.

Tiny perspectives equal tiny thoughts, no matter how loud they’re shouted, no matter how hard the emoji laughs, no matter how memorized the talking points may be, no matter how many tanks roll through the streets.

-JLK

I used to modify my communication to keep the peace out there, with other people. Now I modify my communication to keep the peace in here, within myself.

-JLK

Something I’ve been learning about my 13yo is that even if I’m not sure how to make things better, I know how to not make things worse.

And when I stop trying to force outcomes or have my son fit some image that in my mind is how things are supposed to be, things get better.

Why?

Bc he has a less stressful space to figure things out for himself and to try new things, things that matter to him, things that help him discover what his interests are, his natural gifts, that he can use to create a life that’s a match for who he is, not who I think he should be.

It’s so hard for me to let this happen.

Bc I’ve got generations of the supposed-to-be army breathing down my neck, yelling that my son needs to get busy and get with the program. Now!

But then I look around at this messed up world and I think to myself—maybe their program is overrated. After all, they’ve never struck me as particularly fulfilled or joyful.

Maybe if all those people had been encouraged to be more of themselves, they would have created new programs that worked better for them and made them happier.

That’s what I’d like for my son.

Less algebra, more learning how to create equations in a room so that there’s peace and safety and kindness and authentic self-expression.

-JLK

I used to have a dog who would try to bury his bone in the wood floor of my apartment. His poor nose would get all bruised and bloody. I tried saying to him, "Don't do that! You're hurting yourself!”

But he didn't understand. He was just doing what he was wired to do in an environment that didn't allow it. It wasn't until we moved to a place with a big yard that he began to readjust.

Sometimes I'm just like my old dog. My choices cause me pain. But instead of shaming myself, I remember my dog and I try to understand what it is I'm longing for, and figure out how I can adjust my environment so that it feels like a place where I can be myself.

This doesn't necessarily mean moving. Maybe it's as simple as letting go of what I've been told my life is supposed to look like and trusting that maybe I actually know what's best for my true nature.

-JLK

Ran into this post from a couple years ago. Parenting is still so hard!

My 11yo son left online school and asked for a glass of water. Again.

I was in the middle of packing up books to ship. So I asked him to get it himself.

He got a glass, and forgot to hold it under the water dispenser before turning the water on.

Water gushed everywhere.

With the quickest reflexes in town, I multitasked turning off the water while yelling “FUCK!!!!!!!”

My son’s face looked pale.

He left the room, pushing one of my books off the dining room table onto the floor on his way out.

I took a deep breath and went to my son.

I looked at him. Saw him for his preciousness. And then said, “I’m sorry I yelled.”

“But why did you say ‘fuck’?”

“Bc I was frustrated about the big mess. But I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to realize that I was making a much bigger mess. You never deserve to be yelled at. You tried getting your own water. That spout is tricky. We’ll practice together and I’ll keep practicing pausing before I react without thinking.”

He smiled.

“Do you forgive me?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. Can I give you a hug?”

“A kiss on the head.”

“Ok. I love you.”

“I love you too. And I’m sorry I dropped your book on the floor. I was really mad and worried you liked your books more than me.”

“Aw, honey. I love you more than anything. You mean the world to me. And treating you with care is what means more to me than anything else.”

It’s about needs.

What was underneath my ‘fuck’?

I’m not feeling well today.

I had an argument with my husband last night, so I didn’t sleep well.

I pushed through cleaning the kitchen and pushed through packing up all these packages while feeling sad and sick and tired.

My son has a lot of extra needs and so do I. And I try to meet all his needs while trying to meet my own. But I always come up short. And it’s hard.

He deserves compassion.

I do too.

I don’t need to be perfect. And I’m not. I fuck up. A lot. And then I re-pair. From my heart. So there’s no stain. Only growth.

So if you screamed FUCK to your precious one today, you’re not alone. It happens. The faucet is tricky.

Sometimes the spout just opens up and a lot of stuff spills out everywhere.

But we can always clean up the spill and leave things better than they were before.

-JLK

If you want to understand people, ask a recovering people-pleaser.

They’ve got a long history of being who everyone wanted and needed them to be. And bc of that, people have felt safe enough with them to show their true colors.

People-pleasers have seen it all.

It might have started as a way to earn love they didn’t know they already had, but it inadvertently earned them a master’s degree in human nature, from the most corrupt to the most vulnerable.

-JLK

When I practice seeing the traffic of life from a top floor perspective, I have a much easier time understanding that other people's behavior has very little to do with me.

And with this understanding, when I return to the ground floor and someone beeps at me, instead of beeping back, I can remember what I saw from that top floor, and practice being a little more patient and maybe a little more empathetic, knowing that we're all stuck in different kinds of jams in different kinds of vehicles all at the very same time.

-JLK

Trust what's meaningful to you.

And allow what's meaningful to you to guide you towards where to put your efforts, instead of waiting for approval from those people in your life who don't even fully understand your vision.

-JLK

Affirmation:

Today I choose to believe in myself. Not just believe in myself and then retreat into self-doubt followed by that old comfortable state of avoidance. But really believe in myself, so that it's this belief in myself that's making my choices.

-JLK

Isn't it crazy how all the just-getting-by people are always figuring out how to continue just-getting-by, but the wealthiest people who hoard everything always have to meddle in and further ruin things just so they can hoard even more?

I think if more people realized that it's really not as much about the left or the right as it is about the top and the bottom, we could join forces and work together to create a society where we could all thrive instead of just survive.

-JLK

To me, there’s a huge disconnect between people celebrating deportations bc they’re scared of terrorism and being ok when people who are not terrorists are getting kidnapped off the streets, deprived of dignity and shipped off to undisclosed places devoid of basic human rights, all without due process. Because that’s also terrorism.

That’s why I think understanding nuance and context are so important. That’s what due process exists for.

To me, everyone has a right to have their context and concerns heard and understood. And then we can problem solve or elect people to problem solve in a way that’s rational and fair and humane.

There’s so much hate and division in the world, and I think that a lot of it could be eliminated if we could communicate more with each other and listen more to each other about what truly matters to each of us. 

-JLK

I think one reason some people self-isolate is bc we’re not sure who other people are supposed to be for us.

Without a secure attachment from our family of origin, I think on some deep level, we continue to look for secure attachments with other people and then get dismayed when these other people don’t respond, perhaps bc they’ve already got secure attachments elsewhere.

So, some of us look for secure attachments in different ways—instead of with other people, we may attach to our purpose in life as artists or gardeners or rescuers of animals or poets or teachers or therapists or doctors or builders. Which is wonderful.

But on the destructive end, we may also form secure attachments to substances that we make sure will always be around, or even toxic people, if we feel they’re the only ones we can count on to never leave.

We can’t change the past, and we can’t change those people from the past, but we can absolutely recreate what gives us a sense of a secure attachment, starting with developing a secure attachment within our own selves and what’s truly meaningful to us.

And then, instead self-isolating, we may discover we enjoy the time with ourselves and with our projects, and when we do go out into the world, we may realize that we are connecting with others more authentically, and able to share moments with others that are uplifting and fulfilling.

-JLK

What someone would see if they didn’t know my context:

Crazed woman sitting on couch slapping her head and chest.

What someone would understand if they knew my context:

So I tried ordering some fruit and vegetables online. Thought I’d make life easier since we live so far from the grocery store. But the box was loaded with fruit flies. And I have been through so many symptoms these last few months and just do not have the spoons for being swarmed by these little jerks!

The lesson from my circumstances:

A reminder that when I see behavior that looks unusual or alarming from my son or anyone else I’m sharing space with, to ask questions first before relying on my own assumptions or my own associations to determine what’s wrong. 

-JLK

The thing I’ve noticed about people who joke, is that it’s a knee-jerk reaction for them to respond with “I’m joking,” especially after someone has expressed that their feelings were hurt by something they said or did.

And I think it’s a knee-jerk reaction, bc people who “joke” a lot often have great difficulty being with the idea that what they did, could have hurt another. Especially someone they love.

Meaning, they’d rather the person laugh than cry. That way, they don’t have to feel the agony of having caused their loved one pain and they can avoid feeling like a bad guy.

And sure, this likely grew out of a reciprocal situation where this person, as a kid, shared their upsets with their own parent, and their own parent responded with, “I’m only joking.”

And so the young person learned to squash their feelings and even laugh along at their own expense.

In fact, laughing along may have become this kid’s primary means of connecting with that parent.

Which of course created an unhealthy attachment, lacking authenticity, respect, trust and nuance, along with a very clear message: there’s no safe space here for your vulnerability and upset feelings.

But many kids would much rather take any connection with a parent, than none at all.

So maybe as a young child, this person saw their parent’s “joking” as a powerful response, bc of the way it controlled the narrative.

And maybe they adopted this behavior to use as an identity for themselves, to help them cope with other people’s upsets.

But bc they were just a kid, they had no understanding of what the joking really did: prevent the kinds of connections and relatedness where true humor is born.

Here’s the thing: If both people aren’t laughing, the joke didn’t land.

And in the case of a parent/child or even a husband/wife, these people didn’t pay a ticket for a comedy show. They signed up for safety. For connectedness. For relatedness. To trust that if their feelings are hurt, their person will be able to handle their upset feelings, show up voluntarily with validation, understanding and a willingness to connect and repair.

Now, some “jokers” might think to themselves, and maybe they’ll even say it out loud: “So what are you saying? I can’t joke ever again? In my own house? I can’t be happy in my own house?”

And to this, I’d say to the person:

If the other people in your household aren’t happy, how are you happy? Where is that line in the sand—from when you were a victim to when you began to victimize others?

And then I’d ask the person which weighs more: Using your family as an audience for your comedy routine and pressuring them to laugh just to avoid hurting your feelings, or, taking the time to heal those childhood wounds, the ones that you still have deep down inside, those wounds that still wonder if your deeply vulnerable emotional self even has a place in this world, or if it will once again be mocked.

No one wants to be the object of a joke, especially not in their own home, especially kids who are still very much aware of their feelings and want to share them, not squash them. Kids who want to tell a trusted parent that their feelings were hurt by something they did and have the parent want to repair immediately, instead of getting offended or pretending it was a joke.

And the very sad consequence of this not happening? The kid won’t want to be around the parent. And when they are, they won’t feel secure, bc they’ll have to have their guard up.

And if the parent still has their protective blindspots on tight, they won’t believe their kid’s distance has anything to do with their behavior.

In fact, the parent will blame the kid. “Come on, I saw you were laughing.”

“No I wasn’t.”

If only the adult understood that the family would much rather connect with who they are underneath their defense mechanisms, to connect with the real side of themselves, that side that never had an outlet when they were young.

So if you know an adult joker, it’s easy to get triggered by their behavior. And for good reason. It’s frustrating to see how many times they miss bids for connection bc they’ve developed themselves as a funny guy just to cope with their discomfort and difficulty getting in other people’s worlds.

Just make sure to let your kid know that their feelings matter. And you can even explain to your kid the source of why some adults are addicted to joking. Why not? That way, they won’t make it mean anything about themselves.

When adults get the impact of their behavior, some will shift. And it’s an amazing thing. Bc they’ll realize the error of their ways. They’ll not only realize that their jokes were never funny. They’ll realize how sad the situation was—that this style of behavior actually prevented deeper relationships.

And the person will make an effort to heal and to repair and give their family the gift of their vulnerability, of the more complex parts of themselves that are able to be more present and calm, so that they’re able to get into their family’s worlds and create moments from there that really are filled with laughter, but at no one’s expense.

-JLK

If you grew up with dysfunction, make sure that you're practicing communicating-to-be-understood in your relationships instead of communicating-not-to-be-abandoned.

There's a huge difference.

In your one precious life, you deserve to be fully expressed as the most authentic version of yourself.

Who you are matters. Your boundaries matter. Your needs matter. And you deserve a safe space where these things are cherished.

-JLK

If you ever feel sick of yourself and annoyed or embarrassed about your passions, it might be bc you're in a long term relationship with yourself and having commitment problems.

Sounds kind of funny but it's true. At least for me.

We have to work on this rather unusual monogamous relationship with ourselves and create an inner environment that encourages our own selves to grow and try stuff out.

We need to be for ourselves what we expect others to be for us—to listen to our own interests with enthusiasm and appreciation and responsiveness.

To validate our resignation, yes, but to always remind ourselves that we're worth investing in.

-JLK

I was on the phone with a customer service person from the other side of the world getting help for my son’s computer.

And while we waited for the virus scan to run, I learned that he would like a pet but that his wife doesn’t want one bc she knows she’ll be the one to take care of it and she already does enough (I agreed with her on that one.)

But then I learned that he kind of found a way to have a pet bc on his way home from work he rides his motorbike through a street where lots of stray dogs roam and one day he decided to stop and give them treats and affection and now they know him and get so happy to see him and they even follow him home for a bit and bark if anyone gets near him, as if they’re his body guards.

I learned he doesn’t sleep much bc he works the night shift and then gets up so he can be part of sending his two daughters to school with his wife bc that’s important to him.

And I also learned that one day he’d really like to see the Grand Canyon.

And what else did I learn?

The same thing I learn every time I connect with one of my fellow humans: That we really are each other in different containers and in different circumstances, either in survival mode or available to connect, with varying degrees of awareness of what’s happening within us and around us.

And to dehumanize anyone is just a very violent and dangerous way of exclaiming: “I have no awareness of what I’m doing outside of my own personal survival mode! And bc I have no awareness, I’m unable to care!”

-JLK

The world will only find peace together when we stop seeing each other as a this or a that and start seeing each other as different versions of ourselves and invest in each other’s well-being as if our lives depend on it. Bc I believe they actually do.

-JLK

In this next chapter of my life, I'm going to do more of what I love and less of what l imagine other people will love. And this starts with paying attention and honoring my experiences so that I actually notice when I'm doing something that I love.

-JLK

Isn't it interesting, how "sticking with something" is a positive thing but "getting stuck with something" is a negative thing?

How does sticking with something turn into getting stuck with something? I guess sticking with something is a choice we make and getting stuck with something is what happens when our circumstances prevent us from being able to stick with something of our choosing.

But I do believe that we can always choose to stick with something even when we're stuck with something else.

I think it starts with awareness of where we currently are and seeing ourselves through a different more empowering perspective, one that sees ourselves with wisdom, compassion, understanding and maybe even a bit of humor.

And to then take some time to discover what’s most meaningful to us and then choose actions that invest in what’s most meaningful to us.

And by sticking with these investments, we will begin to loosen ourselves from what we have been feeling stuck with.

-JLK

Approaching demand-avoidant kids with a covert or overt sense that “something's wrong here" will not inspire that demand-avoidant kid to say: "You know what? You're right. I'm ready to live life the way you have it imagined in your head—the way that life is supposed to be lived! Give me a minute to brush my teeth and get my shoes on!"

It will instead give the kid something else to avoid-the feeling that they're not living right.

I find that having a demand-avoidant kid is an opportunity to modify my ideas of what life “should” look like. And for me, this begins with acceptance of what life already looks like right now.

And then, by inserting new things into this current environment that create joy and peace and beauty. But to me, this has to begin by creating joy and peace and beauty for me as the parent.

Bc when we are fulfilled, it creates a safe place for our demand-avoidant kids to emerge without the pressure we put on them, knowingly or unknowingly, to comply with our visions of how life “should” be.

It’s saying my fulfillment is my responsibility—not my kid’s responsibility. Not my spouse’s responsibility. These people are not on earth to help me create my vision of a fulfilling life, as sobering as that thought may be.

And then it’s noticing the victories—no matter how small—our own victories that emerge from investing in our own joy and peace and beauty, and our kid’s victories that emerge from living in a space that’s more at-ease. Bc they will notice.

And it’s celebrating those victories and letting them pave the path to a future that evolves organically, instead of through forced outcomes.

It can be really challenging to pry open the stale spaces where everything seems so stuck. But I do believe it’s possible to breathe new life into any space. It just takes a little willingness to try and try again. And again.

-JLK

Support doesn't always need to come from another person.

When we notice the situations where we feel jostled by our circumstances, we can figure out that these are the moments where we need rituals to help ourselves feel better.

And we can consult with the wise parts of ourselves to figure out what these rituals might be.

Maybe it’s a nutritional supplement or maybe it’s journaling or maybe it’s setting up a tiny space that’s beautiful and healing or maybe it’s essential oils or images that remind us of who we are underneath the chaos of our circumstances.

I have learned never to underestimate any gift we give to ourselves. No gift is too small. No gift is meaningless.

Every deliberate act of kindness to ourselves is a way of supporting ourselves.

It’s a way of sending ourselves the message that we matter.

-JLK

Once I was in a really bad state.

I had been feeling really good, but was in a space with a person whose behavior was very toxic to me, even though they weren’t aware of this. To them, their behavior was just fine.

So I went to the bathroom and looked for anything that might give me hope. And in front of me was a bottle of spray cleaner and the words written on the back of the bottle caught my eye.

And the way I interpreted the words reminded me of the wisdom we all have within, that’s always there whenever we need it.

The words said:

WARNING: Do not ingest. (Interpretation: Do not internalized this moment.)

Avoid contact with eyes.(Interpretation: Keep your boundaries right now.)

Keep out of the reach of children. (Interpretation: Keep your younger selves safe from being triggered.)

DISCLAIMER: If any adverse symptoms occur discontinue use. (Interpretation: Speaks for itself.)

If your condition worsens seek medical attention.(Interpretation: Get support instead of dealing with any pain alone.)

The world can be so Rorschachian. But it’s up to us to use what crosses our paths to discover the wisdom and meaning that reminds us who we are underneath our circumstances.

-JLK

I wish someone would have taught me years ago that my thoughts can be my medicine or my poison. That sitting in a room by myself can be an agonizing experience or an opportunity for connection through awareness. It just depends on which thoughts I dig my heels into and which thoughts I follow into the wilderness of my being until I discover where they live and what they're made of.

I’ve realized it’s not necessary to change my thoughts. Only to add new thoughts, based on what I’m noticing by paying attention—by seeing my moments from multiple perspectives instead of letting just one perspective grab me by my identity and drag me down into the quicksand of shame and regret.

I can notice all my thoughts without making them mean anything about who I am and who I’m not, and the thoughts without substance will hang around just long enough before they naturally dissolve into meaninglessness. And I can notice the thoughts that are still here, the ones that represent what’s inspiring to me. And I can see what happens when I allow these thoughts to create the meaning of the moment I’m in.

Our thoughts are not only ours. We are a collection of seeds that have grown from all the experiences we’ve internalized. But we can practice cultivating a garden of thoughts based on what we find most beautiful and meaningful and visit this garden within us whenever we remember it’s there.

-JLK

Part of my healing is taking the energy l've always used to decode other people's silence so that I can figure out what I need to do so that the person's happy with me, and investing it instead into decoding my own feelings that l'm not quite connected to and figuring out what I need to do so that I can feel happier with myself.

-JLK

As a kid, I developed many different parts to cope with many different kinds of situations and many different kinds of people.

And each of these parts have developed over time.

And each of these parts l've developed have become complex parts, each with their own ways of coping along with their own ideas and aspirations.

But what l've noticed is that when it comes time for making life choices, all my parts tend to want different things.

And sometimes, trying to get all these parts on the same page works about as well as it does in any community meeting when members are riled up, confused and upset.

And all of these parts are valid parts. But there’s only so many hours in a day.

So I try to remember the part of myself that’s learning about the value of radical acceptance. And sometimes, if there’s not been any resolution, she’ll call an end to the community meeting and find a place to sit outside and practice connecting with the moment she’s in.

Affirmation:

I don’t have to honor every single part of myself with every choice I make. Instead, I can elect my current awareness as the “official” leader of my community of parts, and do my best to make sure that all my healed and healing parts have support and representation. I can also remember to give myself and all my parts my understanding and compassion.

-JLK

Healing is not fixing.

It's slowly and gently pushing aside my blindspots to see what my life looks and feels like without them.

My blindspots are my survival mode—the tunnel vision that has shown me where and why l'm feeling unsafe and how to cope with these threats in whichever way helps me regain, as quickly as possible, that sense of safety within myself.

Healing is not getting rid of that coping, it's soothing the wounds that made this kind of coping necessary.

-JLK

Over time, if you keep internalizing circumstances that are out of your control, it will keep getting harder to separate who you are from what you believe your circumstances are saying about you.

Circumstances do not have to define who you are.

Your values and what’s most meaningful to you is what defines who you are.

-JLK

I try to remind myself that when I feel “all over the place,” to understand my experience through the lens of survival mode vs safe mode.

If you grew up without any space to process your authentic feelings, you may have been left full of triggers.

And if you had no outlet or any kind of support system to help you process your upsets, you may have been left with a bunch of live wires and with no idea how to manage the flow of energy that these triggers activate.

And so we carry these triggers, and these unpredictable live wires, and all this energy around with us everywhere we go, and when circumstances activate them, as they always will, we get overloaded yet again with too much of all that energy and we launch right into survival mode.

This can happen once a day or once an hour.

And it gets exhausting, this feeling of being unpredictably out of control. Especially while trying to keep this energy contained inside ourselves bc we don’t know how to safely let it out.

And so we cope however we’re used to coping, and we wait until our circumstances get a little better so that we can get back to feeling safe instead of being in full survival mode, and so we can channel our energy and pursue what’s meaningful to us… just until the next trigger has us back in survival mode protecting ourselves.

And this shifting from survival mode to safe mode again and again is the “all over the place” that creates the feeling of inconsistency.

And over time, this can make us feel pretty awful about ourselves and confused about who we even are.

When we have no outlet to process our triggers, this feeling of being constantly jostled can run our nervous system and make it harder and harder to shift into safe mode.

Bc there’s no telling what will trigger us—a thought, a suspicion, a light, a noise, a rejection, a comment, a worry, a fear—anything that gives us the idea that we are once again not being honored and that we are once again not safe and that we once again must figure out how to survive the moment.

For me, one way to invite consistency is by noticing.

Noticing when circumstances are activating my triggers.

And once I notice I’m triggered, then it’s all about validating my feelings, not shaming them.

It’s about letting my feelings be valid. All of them.

It’s about letting the most aware part of myself support my most triggered parts by taking out my notepad and interviewing these parts and giving them the time and space to share every experience they’re having.

And appreciating their every experience.

And then it’s about taking those triggered parts by the hand and letting them know I appreciate all the ways they’re always trying to preserve my safety, and how important that is.

But how preserving our peace might be even more important.

Bc even though we cannot control circumstances, we can put the weight of them on a newly calibrated scale by reframing what all those circumstances mean about who we are and what they don’t mean about who we are, while still acknowledging their difficulties.

And through this new perspective, we can discover that circumstances aren’t purposely trying to trigger us.

Maybe it’s just a crazy triggering world full other people also in survival mode without any outlets to process their experiences, and full of other people just doing whatever they’re doing without any understanding of the impact they’re having.

To me, it’s about shifting perspectives without abandoning my authentic experience.

Bc my authentic experience is what was always abandoned—first by others, then by me—and my authentic perspective is what I need to honor in order to heal, in order to experience that I truly matter.

And as the current part of myself with the most awareness and experience, I can make a promise to those other parts of myself still in anguish, to be there, to notice when they’re suffering, and to offer my time, my support and my love as a way to process all that energy.

And then work with the other parts of myself to find the right outlet to channel that energy, so we have something new to do with that energy when it starts flowing.

Something that satisfies all my parts, something that authentically represents who I am, and something that’s aligned with what’s most meaningful to me.

We are more than our triggers. And by noticing our triggers we can access who we are underneath them.

-JLK

Reminder to myself…

What is my passion?

The thing you'd still have to be doing even if no one knew. The thing you'd still have to be doing even if you never earned a cent doing it.

-JLK

People say, "That was in the past."

But the past builds the future. It can't be forgotten or let go of or avoided.

Just as with any poorly constructed foundation, the future has to be rebuilt.

And the future gets rebuilt in the present, by having the courage to understand the impact of the mistakes of the past—both our own as well the mistakes of others.

And by rebuilding our future choice-by-choice based on what's most meaningful to us.

-JLK

To me, one of the most frustrating parts about parenting demand avoidant kids is accessing patience.

I want things to happen now. I want my words and my plans to be the magic potion that shifts the narrative… now.

But avoiding demands is a demand for safety. And safety takes time to establish.

And I believe this requires that we as parents find something meaningful to do for ourselves to fill the time while providing the safety that our kids need in order to feel ok.

And this requires consistent validation of their reality, not edits of their reality so they conform with ours.

Which is so damn hard for many of us to do, bc many of us are still in survival mode from being forced to meet expectations ourselves when we weren’t feeling safe.

But we never had the option of opting out, not without being pathologized or having love withheld.

So now we’re frazzled, coping with a life that still isn’t a match for our spirit, coping through our impulses or coping by secretly hiding under the covers of our lives to escape our reality.

When our kids won’t budge, it can feel like another punishment. Like someone’s once again holding our wheels while our engines are revving, like someone’s still boxing us in so that our wings are once again pinned to our sides.

This is why I believe that we need to be creative—to find ways to fulfill our spirit’s longing even inside the confines of our kids’ need for safety.

We need to honor our spirit’s longing as if our life depends on it. Bc I do believe it does.

Is there a treasure to be had at the end? I believe yes. In the deeper awareness of what it means to honor what’s most authentic in each other and to encourage what’s authentic in each other to emerge.

To discover a meaningful connection with ourselves where we can heal all the things we’ve internalized that are not “us”, and then share this connection with our kids.

To recreate ourselves from being fractured people hoping the world will put us together, to cradling and healing all our parts with love and with appreciation.

And when we get frazzled and interrupt the safety and fracture the connection with our pain and frustration, which will happen of course, to pause, and connect first within ourselves with compassion. And ask ourselves what are our needs that aren’t being met, and come up with some kind of plan to meet them.

By doing this, we build strength within. We build a connection that anchors us to our own values instead of to those values that have forever been breathing down our necks, values invented by other people who don’t even understand half of what we ourselves are now learning.

-JLK

If there's a conflict, there's no rule that says I need to abandon myself and jump into the ring to save my dignity.

Being in present-time in my body is where my dignity lives—noticing my triggers, giving myself compassion instead of feeling disappointed that the other person isn't doing this job for me

—this feels sturdier.

It feels like l'm able to stay safely in the home of my body without letting circumstances tear through like a hurricane.

-JLK

If you cross paths with someone who wants you to feel awful about who you are, please don't let them take you down to their hell.

Their hell is their unresolved wounds and their misunderstanding of where the hurt originated.

They don't even want to be in this hell. So please don't join them there. Either invite them to a better place or move on.

-JLK

I didn’t grow up with people who taught me the importance of how to speak to myself with encouragement, gentleness and appreciation. No. I was taught how to speak to myself by the way people spoke to me—kind of like the way a machine might speak to a gear that isn’t working properly: “Let’s go! Come on! What the hell’s the matter with you?!”

To shift from this, we have to shift the conversation from harsh self-speak to kind self-speak. From “Why the fuck did or didn’t I do that,” to, “Maybe I don’t need to be a gear in this machine if it’s not working for me.”

It’s listening to every word where I’m imagining I’m less-than, and replying with words that appreciate the vastness of who I am: “You were so tired, I’m glad you’re choosing to give yourself some rest.” Or, “You’re becoming so much more aware lately. I’m proud of you.” Or, “You have so many good ideas. No need to feel panicked to meet all your goals. Take it a little bit at a time, and appreciate every bit of progress.”

Self-speak is the fuel not to be someone better so that we can get somewhere better, but the fuel that reminds ourselves that we’re actually already whole and complete right where we currently are.

-JLK

Filling the Urn Necklace

(Thinking of my mother while I’m down in Florida, where she used to live.)

I had this thought, while I was trying to funnel my mother’s ashes into the tiny opening of this urn necklace.

Well, first, let me tell you that this was no easy feat. Not the ritual I'd hoped for.

Besides the unbelievable weirdness that these ashes once formed the foundation of my beloved mother, it was not at all easy to get them into this urn.

Instead of silently blessing the spirit of my mother, chunks of bone were getting stuck in the funnel, then the funnel clearing-stick thing cracked in half and I wound up having to use a spoon and getting ashes all over the damn place.

I heard my mother laughing, saying, “Poor thing,” while I was repeating “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why didn’t they make a bigger funnel for fuck’s sake???”

“I’m sorry I had bones, Jessica,” I heard my mother say.

“I’m not blaming you for having bones, Mother, I just wish they would fit through this opening!”

Then the cork cracked and the superglue superglued the ashes to the cork so that shiny ashes will forever be stuck on the opening.

And I said, “I hate you! Not you, mother dear, but this fucking cork!”

“Take a deep breath, Jessica,” she said, still laughing. "And calm the fuck down.”

So, I finished the job, with various parts of my mother keeping my company, and that’s when I realized that I have been speaking to multiple parts of my mother all at once.

And it got me thinking about who people are. Not necessarily whole, but a container of multiple parts. Not necessarily stitched together to make a whole tapestry, or with a President Part who governs the rest, but parts that are disconnected, confused—a brilliant sage to some, a dysfunctional mess to others.

Then I was thinking, maybe the purpose of all this transformational work is not merely to weave all our various parts with the thread of understanding for ourselves, but to share our awareness and understanding of all our parts with those we love—so that when we do cross that ol’ threshold, our darlings on the other side won’t be so confused when they speak with us, they won’t wonder—but who was this person?

They will understand that they are connecting with all of our different parts and also the part that understood and had so much compassion for all of our deepest complexities.

—JLK

Did you learn to be small to be likable? To be less instead of too much? To be self-depreciating instead of self-expressed?

Try out what it feels like to expand into the spaces where you reside. Try out exuding—sharing some of the insides of yourself and experiencing what the space feels like with you really inhabiting it instead of hiding.

Try turning the celebration of your being and the celebration of being together as an act of sacredness instead of something to be ashamed of.

-JLK

I remember this one time in my 30s, I was putting away my teapot when I noticed my reflection looking down into it and I freaked out.

It was the first time I noticed that gravity had had the audacity to meddle with my face.

I called my mother crying. And she laughed. Not callously, but in commiseration and with perspective.

“Number One, Jessica,” she continued laughing, “you never, ever look down into any reflective surface past the age of 30.

“Number Two, you have had your neck stuck in that computer screen for the past 20-years-straight trying to make sense of the madness of this goddamn world. What did you think was going to happen to your neck?

“But most importantly, Jess, Number Three—you have been so used to existing through the eyes of others. And I believe it’s high time for you to exist through your own eyes—so that your reality can consist of how you feel and how you see the world from your perspective and what you find meaningful about it.

“So from now on, whenever you see your reflection, honey, instead of looking at whatever flaws you find and imagining what others might think about who you’ve become, I want you to look for what’s beautiful about who you are right now. And don’t you dare turn away until you find something.

“You are beautiful bc of everything you have experienced—all the pain you’ve turned into compassion and understanding, all the moments you tried to make better by finding something to care about or laugh about. All the times you connected with someone or something based on who you are, instead of who you’re not.

“You are a walking history museum of all the experiences you’ve had in this one precious crazy lifetime.

“So you let that sink in, Jess, and you make sure to do the same for others too—no matter how hard it might be to find something beautiful about some of these people, you make sure to find something. And when you do, you let them know. Bc there are probably a lot of people keeping the best parts of themselves a secret bc they feel so bad about their neck or whatever other part makes them feel awful.

“Our bodies are alive for one reason, and one reason only—to carry who we are through our lives—to make a difference to others and allow others to make a difference for us.

“And as you get older, it’s the best time to share who you are bc you finally realize that you don’t need to look any certain way to receive anyone’s invitation to be in the world. And you don’t need to meet anyone’s criteria to be who you are or who you want to be. And you no longer have to give a flying fuck about what anyone thinks of any of it.

“Who you are is what’s most meaningful and beautiful about you. And this is something that will always show up in every reflection, whenever you take the time to see.”

-JLK

Today’s affirmation—

Let me hold my own weight, my own experiences, my self-expression and what’s meaningful to me instead of shrinking and constantly tilting this way and that way to accommodate or be burdened by the weight of another’s perceived approval or disapproval.

Let me trust what I value to keep me aligned.

Instead of constantly doubting my own weight, let me learn to feel it, trust it and be carried by it.

-JLK

Thinking about my mother…

My mother died two weeks before we were scheduled to visit. Sometimes I wonder if vanity was to blame, if she let herself die bc that was easier than having us see her looking like shit. In some ways, I wouldn’t put it past her to let it all end rather than have a bad hair day.

I knew she’d been ill. But she’d been near death for so many decades, I’d stopped taking it seriously.

I had no idea that this time was so different.

Weeks before, we spoke about the trip and she laid out the plan: She and I would lounge on the beach drinking mega-coffees from 7/11, laughing and sharing stories of the past while my son dug in the sand.

I can still hear her voice sharing this vision—the vision that never was. And it breaks my heart every time. Especially when I’m in Florida, as we are as I write this. And my son, now 13, knows it by heart: “Yes,” he says. “I know, Mama. Grand-mère’s vision. And yes, I know she’s with us in spirit.”

Then a week and a half later, she was gone. Bled out, all alone. The ambulance unable to respond to her 911 call bc her cell phone was on my account, with my address in Upstate NY.

On the plane to Florida after she passed so unexpectedly, I felt so anchorless—30,000 feet in the air, feeling so lost inside myself, desperate for anything reliable to hold onto.

My 4-year-old sat by my side, looking panicked, asking about the turbulence. “It’s nothing to worry about, honey,” I said. “Just some potholes in the sky road. It’ll be over in a minute.”

He smiled. “Sky roads are too bumpy,” he said. “Someone needs to repair them.”

I smiled back. It always crushed my heart, looking at his little face—so innocent and precious—looking to me, of all people, to feel safe.

Chris and my son stayed at the hotel while I went back and forth to my mother’s apartment to sort through her things and to talk with her spirit.

I met one of her friends. I’d been sorting through stacks of papers, looking for clues, anything to help me make sense of what happened, when a raspy woman in her 60s with a ciggie in her hand pushed opened the door and offered her condolences.

“Just last week I brought her a rotisserie chicken. She was so sick. Couldn’t even get her own groceries.”

My heart hurt to hear it. “I didn’t realize how sick she was.”

“I don’t think she wanted you to know.”

“Did my mother ever say anything about me?” I asked after some silence passed.

“Oh god, she talked about you all the time.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. She said you two were exactly the same. ‘She’s exactly like me.’ That’s what she said about you.”

It was like a glimpse backstage.

My mother never said anything like that to me, that we were exactly the same. I had been under the impression that we were quite different.

But after hearing those words, I hear them all the time.

When my thoughts are going nuts. When I’m worried about 50 things at once and trying to fix them all at the same time, I wonder: Is this how my mother was?

Is this why she always had the right things to say whenever I called? Is this why she always had the perfect advice whenever I felt so panicked? Was it bc she was the same?

Probably.

Thoughts like this keep me company. And then they break my heart—the only person who truly understood me, no longer exists.

But now here I am, able to be calm with my son’s worries, even while completely freaking out just inches beneath my flesh…

Maybe we did share this same gift—the ability to offer wisdom and soothing words to others.

But I’m hoping now that I might develop another gift—something that makes it possible to use this wisdom for myself too.

-JLK

Please don’t let the world squash the artist in you.

Circumstances can be brutal and keep us in survival mode, but pls carve out a tiny bit of time everyday so that the artist in you has a chance to remind the survivor in you what’s still beautiful and profound in this often demented world.

Bc once you’re reminded, you’ll want to create something to remind others, and maybe, just maybe, someone will choose kindness instead of cruelty bc of you.

-JLK

I think one of the biggest consequences of feeling like we don’t matter is that we hold ourselves back from intervening and making a difference—we belittle what we’ve got to contribute and then leave a gaping hole that could have been filled with all of what we have to offer.

So many of us have been taught to listen to what we’re told. We’ve been trained to believe that other people’s ideas matter more.

We were taught to stay in line, not to rock the boat, to acquiesce when there’s conflict.

And bc we were never officially invited to be co-creators in the world, we figured we weren’t welcome. That other people with more authority were more capable. And so we stayed back, figuring it’s probably safer to be silent than be constantly criticized and demeaned.

But the voices that so often step up to fill those voids are the people born with entitlement, with the belief that their ideas are the greatest, even when they clearly are not. At least not for anyone but themselves.

Sometimes I wonder if what we’re witnessing is the grand repercussion of authoritarian thinking that has ruled so many of our homes and schools and workplaces.

Even as we grew up learning about democracy, we were learning less about free thinking and more about learning what we were supposed to do and being where we were supposed to be.

This smacking the knuckles of “defiance” generation after generation to keep people in line instead of instilling in people the courage to steer that line to new, more evolved places.

But really, the invitation to contribute was extended to all of us on the day we were born.

So if you’re feeling passionate about something that's meaningful to you, something that represents your lived experience or the lived experience of someone you care about, I say get your voice out there right away and communicate to be understood.

Bc every time someone finds the courage to share their brilliance, their sense of fairness, their goodness, their humor, their creativity, their vision for a better world, their boldness and their authentic voice—they create a bridge to something meaningful that wasn’t there before.

-JLK

Demand avoidance takes a road trip…

If you know the world of demand avoidance, you know that there are a million demands on a road trip—a million moments that test our patience and a million unexpected things that need coping with so that stress doesn’t escalate and debilitate.

It’s been a long time since we’ve gone anywhere. But my son had a special event and if he says “yes” to something, I get up and move whatever I can of heaven and earth to make it happen.

I Plan C’d as Ross Greene recommends—coming up with every strategy so that this very very long car ride would offer as many accommodations as possible to be as stress free as possible.

We still had our moments of reactivity, but mostly, surprisingly, we helped each other.

This past couple months I was really not feeling ok. The strangest symptoms visited me. Swollen nose. Hurt joints. Migraine. Brain fog. Hives. Awful Depression.

But I did everything I could to heal enough to go on this trip. I cut out pretty much every food that seemed to be offensive to my body and slowly I’ve begun to heal.

Not just what’s at the surface, but trying to figure out what to do with this perfectly packed suitcase of pain and discomfort deep within that I’ve still not addressed completely—this thing I’ve carried about not being a victim, not asking for support, and isolating until my wounds appear more presentable instead of shameable.

It’s amazing to me how difficult it is to rewire those old survival mechanisms that have been operating me for so long.

When I arrived here, I looked in the mirror and chuckled. I looked like I was dressed up as the word haggard. I look tired. Depleted.

But we are here, on the ocean. I’ve been longing to see the ocean for quite some time. Longing to acquaint myself with a bit of joy and peace and soothe my panic instead of feeding it. And my son is healing too. We’re both entering new chapters at the same time.

Sending love,

JLK

Never underestimate the power of healing yourself-of replacing shame and blame with understanding and compassion. If you'd have known better, you would have done better.

The journey of dysfunction didn't begin with you and it won't end with you.

It's a dysfunctional world and some of us get the brunt of it.

We have to heal ourselves one compassionate thought at a time.

-JLK

Time to stop carrying around words in your body that were spoken by toxic, reactive people from your past, people who probably don't even remember saying them.

If those people aren't your current role models, it makes no sense to let their messages stop you from being the true expression of yourself.

-JLK

No matter what has happened to you, you matter.

No matter what anyone has said about you, what you say about yourself matters more.

Trust your context and your perspective.

It's not only valid, it's valuable.

-JLK

If you grew up without anyone’s undivided attention, someone present enough to see who you really were and encourage you to be that self out in the world, you might find that you sometimes still feel invisible.

You may find it’s difficult to figure out who to be and what sorts of life choices to make or which direction to go, bc you’re still not exactly sure who you are in the world of others.

You might find yourself influenced by so many things but unsure which is the thing for you.

To create ourselves in the world, we have to go inward and discover what’s meaningful to us.

We have to do the work that our grownups missed out on—giving ourselves our own undivided attention, discovering who we really are, and encouraging ourselves to be who we really are out in the world.

Through discovering what’s most meaningful to us, we can begin to discover a more consistent place to stand in the world, and we can begin taking steps in the direction that supports who we are and where we want to go.

-JLK

(This is a piece from my book, Once Upon an Upset, an illustrated collection of stories, insights and reflections to help parent our children while reparenting ourselves. )

From what I’ve noticed, when people exist in a bubble devoid of diversity, they aren’t able to access complexities.

They feel most safe when their bubble is preserved—when reality is categorized as right and wrong and black and white, according to their own understanding of such things.

When people are so insulated from each other’s lived experiences, they have a tendency to dismiss anyone different as invalid or threatening, without needing to investigate the matter further.

Some would rather dig in their heels and be right about who people are and aren’t, than be willing to learn something new that they don’t currently know they don’t know.

And this leads to dehumanizing.

And what dehumanizing can look like in action is celebrating the annihilation of people they’ve never even met, all bc their beliefs about “those people” and their narratives about “those people” weigh more to them than “those people’s” actual lived experience.

It’s maddening.

Especially from people who claim to be devoted to that old story which ends with: “Forgive them; for they know not what they do.” People who are so locked into their own interest rate, that they can’t even recognize themselves as the willing crucifers in this current remake.

I find it baffling that it seems harder for us as a species to build bridges of understanding than to build armies and bombs and walls and justifications for them.

But building bridges of understanding is the only way to build peace.

Bc only when we leave our bubbles and build bridges of understanding with people who have completely different lived experiences than our own, will we finally get to understand, on an experiential level, that their lives and their loved one’s lives are just as precious to them as yours are to you.

-JLK

Thinking about obsessive compulsive behavior and addiction…

To me, compulsions are little glitches.

When I investigate compulsions, I can see that they’re actually intended to protect my autonomy from things that feel like threats.

Perhaps something unsafe about the world or the world of my mind causes me panic, but if I give myself a ritual and associate the ritual with a feeling of safety, then all I need to do is perform that ritual to have an experience of autonomy and safety.

But, when rituals are destructive rather than constructive, repeating them whenever we feel unsafe actually creates less safety and less autonomy.

And that’s why I call it a glitch, bc of the way it can motivate us to keep trying again and again to find safety through destruction.

And resisting the urge to follow through with a destructive ritual when you don’t have a constructive replacement doesn’t work either.

Bc telling myself I’m no longer allowed to engage in a destructive ritual that provides a feeling of autonomy and safety causes me more panic.

And then I want to perform the destructive ritual even more to give myself a quick fix of that associated feeling of autonomy and safety.

This might look like defiance from an outsider, but to the person performing the ritual, it feels like survival.

From my experience, one way out of this back-and-forth of resisting destructive rituals is to give myself permission to create a new ritual that is constructive and aligned with what’s most meaningful to me.

But to discover what that even is, I have to go deep within myself.

And inevitably, this means that I am going to run into a lot of pain. Bc what’s often underneath destructive coping rituals is unresolved trauma.

And the theme of a lot of people’s trauma involves all the reasons we’ve been told that we’re not “enough” of something to pursue those things that have always been most meaningful to us.

And that feeling of being denied our full self-expression feels like the most important part of us is being told it isn’t worthy enough to exist.

No wonder we’d want to cope with this awful feeling in whichever way we can!

Some of us have been privately surviving this trauma for so much of our lives and destructive rituals have been the only things we’ve had that seem reliable, like they truly understand us and can soothe us whenever we’re feeling so awful.

And this is a hard relationship to break up with.

It’s really uncomfortable to sit with all those internalized negative ideas about who we are and who we aren’t.

But once we can understand that these old ideas have nothing to do with our true nature, and that these ideas were very likely “gifted” to us by people who were unable to access their own sacred selves, we can begin to loosen their hold on us.

And we can begin to develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of all we’ve been through, and begin to ask ourselves what new tools we’d like to learn about so that we can create new rituals that are aligned with what’s most meaningful to us.

We don’t need to get rid of the difficult stuff to get past it.

Just by acknowledging and validating the origin of our pain can be the key that lets us travel deeper into our depths to find appreciation for who we are.

But most importantly, when we do go back to our destructive rituals, bc that’s inevitable, we need to understand that this society is not set up for constructive rituals.

It’s set up for compliance and for coping destructively when we are unable to meet other people’s expectations.

To heal, we will have to shift out of this toxic dynamic again and again, and we will need the constant support of our own self-compassion and empathy. Which is hard to do, especially in survival mode while carrying loads of unresolved trauma.

But healing is not about perfection. The unattainable pursuit of perfection is what caused the suffering in the first place.

Healing is about honoring what’s most meaningful to us and discovering outlets that are aligned what’s most meaningful to us and investing our time into pursuing our true interests and passions, knowing that these things matter.

And slowly building a future for ourselves that’s a match for who we’ve always known ourselves to be, deep inside.

-JLK

If you grew up with caretakers who only noticed what was wrong with you, they probably trained you to also only notice all the stuff that's wrong with you. But you can retrain yourself by looking for what's right with you. You might be surprised by all the fantastic things you discover about yourself.

-JLK

One of the most debilitating parts of being hypervigilant is imagining that everyone else is also that way.

And so you invest all your efforts into making sure every text and email and conversation doesn’t leave the person dismissed or invalidated, and then obsessively wonder afterwards if you have, in fact, upset anyone or ruined their image of who you might have been to them.

Part of healing is remembering that hypervigilance comes from a childhood where other people created who you were based on their own flawed ideas about what it meant to be worthy and lovable.

We grew up learning that love and positive attention was only granted if we complied with expectations, whether they were unreasonable or abusive.

We had to contort our natural predilections to avoid conflict and punishment and work hard to be seen as someone worthy of their love, and hide the evidence whenever we imagined we failed.

One way to heal is to ask ourselves—Do I exist in another person’s perception of me? Or am I over here in my own body?

Do my values exist to earn love and validation? Or do they exist for myself, to keep me anchored to what’s become most meaningful to me based on my own lived experience?

If I am willing to stop people-pleasing and practice settling deeper inside myself where I can access self-acceptance and self-appreciation, can I also be ok when other people don’t people-please with me?

Can I hold the complexity that our behavior is like the weather and doesn’t always represent that unbothered, peaceful, wise and creative being within us?

Can I extend compassion to myself and to others, knowing that we’re all coping with different difficulties all at the same time, and give myself and others a little grace when we show up as we show up, without defining this behavior as the entirety of who we are?

Can we connect with ourselves and each other with a little more tolerance and flexibility, they way we wished our caretakers had done with us?

Can I consider that my caretakers were people in survival mode who needed to control the narrative, bc growing up, that’s what their own caretakers did—people who also lacked the skills to embrace and validate them as they were?

And can we stop this trauma-recycling by repairing with each other through compassion and authenticity whenever our behavior isn’t aligned with our own values, instead of digging our heels in or silently agonizing about what the other person might be thinking?

-JLK

A society that invests more in prisons than in people’s potential is a sign of a failed society.

And a society that takes away a human being’s dignity has lost its way.

Any time one member of a society uses the words “these people” or “those people” they have lost touch with the most fundamental truth—that we are each other.

Different cultures, different lived experiences, different modes of survival and different means of coping, yes, but we all have the same sacred being and the same potential within us to thrive, if only those in power cared enough to invest in resources to bring out the best in all people instead of keeping people stuck in survival mode (while rigging the system so that it only works for themselves.)

Peace will only happen when we stop imagining that some people are more important and more valuable than others.

Peace will only happen when there is an establishment of policies that ensure care and dignity for all individuals instead of whatever the hell this is called.

-JLK

I think one huge problem with this administration is the way they have burned bridges with everyday Americans, just so that they no longer have to feel empathy while destroying their lives.

In their bubble, they get to create for themselves who everyday people are, and when they create a narrative that everyday people are freeloaders or lack values or whatever other dehumanizing story they can come up with, they then cement their narratives with each other’s agreement, which gives way to policies that justify why the government should no longer have to “waste” resources to support them.

But what they make sure to do? They make sure that their own needs are met, at the expense of everyone else’s. They make sure to value themselves at the expense of everyone else. With bibles in their hands, no less.

There should be a rule that if you want to serve as a politician, you first have to provide evidence that you have significant connections and relationships with everyday people, from every walk of life.

And the most upsetting people these days, in my opinion? Those everyday Americans who are chomping on their popcorn delighted to see a world that never worked for them burn to the ground—everyday Americans who have lent their agreement to cement the racist homophobic “socialist” and other divisive narratives.

Is it bc destroying these people’s lives feels like an opportunity to improve their own?

Whatever the reason, their blindspot is not recognizing that they too, are part of the everyday people who the government will no longer work for.

A lot of people have given their lives to this country that was founded for the people, by the people, and these popcorn crunchers are doing themselves, their neighbors, and the next several generations a huge disservice by watching it all burn while being fooled by the administration that it’s a big beautiful thing that’s happening.

-JLK

Sometimes, keeping the peace doesn’t actually create peace. It just keeps you silently in survival mode.

Keeping your perspective to yourself in order to protect yourself from other people’s toxic, reactive behavior does not serve you in the long run.

Instead of keeping the peace, you can practice developing skills to communicate your truth. You don’t have to communicate your truth to toxic people. Try first with someone you trust, or even someone you hire to trust, or start a blog.

You will grow stronger and stronger by practicing communicating your truth. Not as a battle strategy or as a revenge strategy, but for the sole purpose of representing who you are in the world—your values, your perspective, what’s meaningful to you.

If someone is uncomfortable with your truth, let them be uncomfortable.

If it eventually costs you the relationship, then it wasn’t really a relationship—it was that younger version of yourself, still looking for validation and safety in spaces that will never be available for such things.

Not communicating your truth can cost you your relationship with yourself, with your lifelong agreement to honor your spirit.

It’s never too late to represent yourself in the world. Your self is always right here, wanting to share itself and be seen and heard. Kindly ask your fears to step out of the way and let yourself be the spokesperson for what matters to you.

-JLK

If you grew up neglected, boundaries might be really difficult to create.

I think this might be bc neglect can feel like a boundary—not a chosen boundary, but one that keeps all connections away.

I put myself in harm's way so many times bc I couldn't wait to escape that boundary of neglect. I wanted closeness and connection—anything outside that boundary I felt stuck inside.

Healing for me has been to recognize that true boundaries are not jail cells. They are fluid, like an energy shield. I can choose when and where to place my boundary and when to lift it.

And most importantly, I get to recognize that being alone is no longer a punishment. My own company inside my body is a refuge, not a cell.

And I no longer need to seek something extra outside of myself to feel whole and complete, bc I recognize that I am whole and complete within myself.

-JLK

Something that helps me from getting swept away by overwhelm are the words "right now."

If I am anxious, I can say, I am anxious "right now.”

If I am happy, I can say, Life is amazing "right now."

If I keep checking in with myself at different "right nows" throughout the day, I will always discover that my experience changes, like the weather.

-JLK

Please don’t not-good-enough yourself.

This is a huge habit of mine. It’s where my autopilot still often takes me. I’ll get so inspired, so excited about a project, invest all my efforts into it, and then, right when I’m about to share it, I see my efforts through the lens of people who completely don’t get me, never have, never will. And then I begin to doubt myself. And I hold off sharing.

Isn’t that crazy? That I turn those people who I have no connection with into my target audience?

And the antidote to this poison?

Trust what’s good to you. Trust your inspiration.

Practice believing in yourself and in your passions, even if no one has ever believed in the brilliance of your talents and your passions before.

Your belief in yourself is huge.

You don’t need to be the best, you just need to be you. You, are more than enough.

Who you are is a blessing, a container of creativity and wisdom, great ideas and heart.

Imagine a younger person choosing not to share themselves bc toxic people told them in so many words that who they are is a waste of everyone’s time.

What would you say to that younger person?

You’d probably say, “No way! Never stop sharing who you are! Your ideas and your voice—that’s how you shine your light so that people can find you and connect with you!”

Now, recognize that this younger person is within you. And recognize that this younger person is counting on you to never give up sharing who you are.

-JLK

I think the algorithm of our minds is similar to the algorithm of social media feeds: What you focus on is what you see. So, if you're searching your mind for all the reasons why you don't deserve the things you really, really want... Guess what's gonna show up in your mind-feed? Endless evidence. And if you keep scrolling through that evidence, it will keep on influencing you.

-JLK

One way to honor yourself is to cherish the little bursts of inspiration that come to you. People undervalue inspiration so much. They’ll say, “Oh, I’ll write that down later.” And then they forget.

And why do we forget? Bc inspiration is not exactly ours. It’s the culmination of context, juxtaposition, association, time, place, our history and our imagination—all of these ingredients together—that create the one rare nugget of something that inspires us.

So maybe one way to honor yourself is to have a system in place, so that when you do receive a precious golden nugget of inspiration, you can immediately write it down and save it for the treasure it is. Bc these treasures often wind up being the perfect vehicles to share our natural gifts.

And for those who are sad bc they’ve lost some nuggets of inspiration, there will be more and more! Inspiration is a renewable resource. To access inspiration, you just need your awareness and a way to write it down so you don’t forget to use it.

-JLK

Lately I've been thinking of inflammation as all the stuff I've held inside—all the things that have inspired me over the years that I squashed away to protect myself from "reality" putting a damper on my plans.

And on top of all that, sits all the stuff I've used to cope, which has only added to the heaviness

—the loaves of bread and ice cream and the counter eating of whatever my son left on his plate.

To me, reducing inflammation is about getting out the parts of me that have been wanting so badly to emerge and not putting the stuff inside me that my body really doesn't want.

-JLK

Sometimes you meet someone who inadvertently forces you to investigate your triggers and unresolved upsets.

It’s like you’re walking along in life and you run into someone who seems to have something you desperately need, even if it’s something you’re not even sure you like.

And you attach to each other and can’t let go, as if each of your unresolved issues have become fused together.

And you get stuck there—getting triggered back and forth, again and again—until at last, one or both of you wave the white flag because you finally get it. You finally recognize what it was that you needed to learn from each other.

And that is to recognize that this other person can’t heal your hurt for you—they have enough hurt of their own. That you have to be the person to do the work to heal your own triggers and your own unresolved upsets.

But the good news is, once you embark on this healing journey, you will realize that you have actually become that person you’ve longed for all this time to help you.

And you can finally begin to let go of that full time career of turning this other person into a better version of yourself, because you finally get that you’re actually already here. And that the weight of your own self in your own body is more than enough to anchor and support you right where you are, right now.

-JLK

This reframe came in handy today…

Instead of saying:

"I can't deal with these dishes."

I'm going to say:

"I've made a powerful choice to conserve water and electricity."

We’ve all been through hell. It’s just that some people are the architects.

I think that’s another reason healing is so important. So that we can feel healthy enough to abandon those old toxic environments and begin building spaces where peace is possible. Not just for some of us. But for us all.

-JLK

If you were abandoned in your formative years, conflict that isn’t immediately resolved can feel very scary. You may have this unrelenting urge to fix the situation, right now, even if it compromises your own heart, out of that primal fear of being abandoned once again.

If this is you, please pause. Sit with your discomfort and make no efforts to repair with anyone until you repair the relationship with your self. With all of yourself—including those younger versions that are still within you.

Go toward their fear and insecurity, instead of wishing someone else would do this job for you. Validate their feelings and let them know you’re here now and that everything is going to be ok.

Let them know they’ll never be alone and helpless again, bc you’ve grown into someone who believes in yourself and who’s got what it takes to take care of yourself in this world.

And then, do something really kind for yourself. Breathe, wash your face, write a poem, read a book, watch a good movie, and keep checking in with yourself to see how you’re doing, to see if you need any additional caring or reassurance.

You can be the person for yourself that you’ve always wished others would be. And your own efforts are not a cheap substitute. You’re worth being cared for.

-JLK

When I was much younger, I used to go to this yoga class. The instructor was a much older man—kindhearted with a good sense of humor and a heavy Staten Island accent. He lived with multiple health challenges that he said yoga helped him with.

And at the end of every class he would say, “Health is wealth, and peace of mind is happiness.” And I remember smiling and appreciating his wisdom, and I also remember thinking to myself, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, please hurry up with this meditation. I’ve got to get out of this room and onto other things.”

But now I realize he was right. It’s so true: Health really is wealth and peace of mind really is happiness. Not always attainable, but I’m grateful for the moments it is.

Wishing you all peace and health. 

-JLK

Anybody else?

Some people won’t even take themselves to the doctor bc they’ve been told so many times that they’re fine. So yeah, they think something’s wrong with them, but not in the way that can be healed with support. They just live like that. Fearful of how others will dismiss their pain in a way that makes them feel worse.

Part of healing is feeling our pain, validating our pain, voicing the details of our pain, and getting the right kind of support and/or supporting ourselves as we invest our time and efforts into healing our pain.

-JLK

Reminder to myself…

Comfort is not always the same as healing. Sometimes we need to leave comfort behind and get acquainted with our wounds that show up when we’re without it—those wounds that made us seek comfort in the first place—and let those wounds rise to the surface so we can see them, understand them, give them love, and heal them.

Sometimes, healing means stepping away from comfort and discovering new ways of being in the world, so that we can discover new versions of who we are and new outlets to share who we are, instead being held back by what those wounds have made us believe about ourselves.

-JLK

I don't know who needs to hear this—but no one is giving out Mother of the Year trophies.

So instead of seeing yourself from that slideshow of critical gazes, go inward, talk with yourself, accept yourself and your circumstances as they are right now, and appreciate that you're doing the best you can right now, with however much fuel is currently left in your tank, and allow yourself to continue healing.

Allow yourself to remember that you matter and that your healing matters. Allow yourself to continue noticing what brings you peace and joy, and allow yourself to experience those things.

-JLK

Thinking of this story about my mother today…

After my mother became homeless for the second time, she moved in with me. She was in such bad shape. Like anyone would be when fighting for their dignity without knowing for sure where it went.

I remember I took her to this salad bar. It was an expensive salad bar, well, for us. And she was so excited. My mother loved salad bars—all that stuff right there that you could help yourself to.

She piled so much on her plate and we were both laughing. It really looked like a work of art. And all was well, until she dropped her plate.

One moment, it was beautiful and full of hope, and then, there it was, splattered all over the floor.

She was so upset. That silent kind of upset where her neck just hung down. And I could see the math in her head: “Everything I’m about to get my hands on falls apart. It’s hopeless.”

Back then, I was still so on edge in my own brain. Still narrating my moments as some little girl writing to the world, hoping someone might feel badly for me and adopt me and take care of me so I could get a break from trying to take care of my mother.

I convinced my mother to get a new plate. And she did. But I could see her heartbreak. And my own heart broke along with hers. We both wanted her life to stay steady and turn into a work of art, instead of always falling apart.

I only wish I knew then what I know now. That her life wasn’t falling apart.

If I knew then what I know now, I’d tell her: “You are not falling apart. You’re shedding all the stuff that isn’t you. You’re ditching all the awful beliefs, all the shame and pain this world has given you, and now you’re beginning to believe in the person you’ve always known yourself to be. So go grab a new plate and help yourself to everything you want. You deserve it.”

-JLK

I think it’s so important not to elect fragile, unhealed people to government positions. Bc one bend to their ego and they’re invested in repairing it through whatever coping mechanism that has served them well—revenge, retribution, punishment—all disguised as values.

They’ll wind up burning down the whole world just as a get-back. As a “I’ll show them not to f around with me!”

Strong people in government positions serve the people. Lift up the people. All of the people—those who agree and those who have criticisms.

In an evolved nation, criticisms and multiple perspectives are how we make the world work better for everyone.

In a strong society, valuing all people and creating resources to bring out the healthiest potential of all people is the priority.

In a barbaric society, might equals whoever feels they are right, at the expense of everyone else. And anyone who says otherwise is a criminal.

The reason I’ve always appreciated this country is bc it was built on these principals of freedom and opportunity and free expression for all as its foundation, and it’s been evolving and growing from there, slowly but surely, to represent more voices and more lived experiences, that expand who we all are and who we care about, and keep us heading forward together.

I believe this country is too strong to fall just bc a handful of people want to save face.

But I think it will take the rest of us being willing to unite with each other/for each other, and stop being pawns to these unhealed people who want to bring us down just so they can feel larger. People who could really hardly care any less what happens to any of us.

-JLK

I don’t know about you, but I definitely needed this reminder today…

You don't need to work on your self.

Your self is fine.

Work on understanding your reactions.

Those are the things that keep dragging you away from your self.

-JLK

So many of us are held together solely by hope, faith and will power. And I have learned that a little compassion can sometimes be the glue that holds someone together when one of their main ingredients runs out.

-JLK

From what I’ve noticed, these people running the current administration are not protecting the peace.

They’re protecting themselves from diversity. They’re protecting their own context from everyone else’s. And they’re protecting their own lived experience from being altered by the lived experiences of others.

Being afraid of change—being afraid of not being the best, the richest, the most powerful—even when the fight to retain these things comes at the expense of everyone else, is not the way to a sustainable peace-filled future.

It is a coping strategy of individuals who are fueled by blindspots.

I believe it stems from a deep fear of being eliminated. And out of a need to control circumstances to keep this from happening.

They’re used to creating the narrative, controlling it and profiting from it. And they need everyone to work inside the model of how life has worked for them.

And what they’re also used to is being the meaning-makers of a world they’ve always felt entitled to dominate, a world that has always worked well… for themselves.

They have never had to question how they live, how they judge and how they experience themselves in relation to others, and they don’t want this to change.

But the sound bites from these people don’t tell the story of everyone’s America. They tell the story of these people’s lived experience in America—these people’s belief systems, their values—all these things that have mainly served to support their own way of life.

And that’s why their words sound so out of touch to so many of us. Bc they literally ARE out of touch with so many other people’s contexts. And why? Bc they refuse to merge with any other context. Bc to them, this means death to their own.

And if someone should suggest that they’re not telling the whole story, these people will amplify their manufactured narrative, and get the agreement of even more equally fearful people, and together, they will believe that they are right, and together, they will agree that they don’t need to grow and change—that it’s everyone else who needs to step in line.

Years ago during, during his first term, our current leader asked the Pentagon chief why the national guard can’t just shoot protesters. And this is exactly the kind of comment someone makes when they are out of touch with people.

Other people become obstacles instead of fellow citizens and neighbors voicing their concerns. And the lack of control over these other people’s narratives poses a threat. Bc if others have the space to be heard and grow stronger, these leaders fear they will get weaker.

Of course what these “leaders” aren’t capable of seeing clearly is that the fight to dominate instead of being willing to listen-to-understand, validate and collaborate, is actually the much weaker position.

I once read something about what happens when there’s a lack of diversity in agriculture.

Basically, what I read stated that when the investment is to care for and proliferate one crop, it leads to the rotting of the one crop.

Bc that one crop needs so much special protecting to thrive in a world where so many other kinds of hardy life also want to thrive—that the means of protecting the one crop usually involves the killing off of everything else.

But what winds up happening is that the one crop still isn’t strong on its own. It is weak. And so all the resources wind up having to be siphoned to continue to protect this one crop. And the ways of protecting this one crop are so toxic, that not only does it poison every other form of life to protect the one crop, the one crop itself becomes poisonous.

From what I read, it sounds like the model of agriculture that is most robust and healthy is diversity: The understanding that all of life has value and yet all of life has different needs.

And to create the most brilliant and workable environment is to create one where all life can thrive.

And this can only be possible by investing the time and resources into understanding all of life and creating unique circumstances so that every crop can reach its fullest potential and support each other’s potential at the same time.

It takes a paradigm shift—to shift from a model where just one person or one perspective is in charge and thriving—aka the way power has been utilized by authoritarian-styled operating systems—to a model that is willing to evolve way beyond that, to a more mature and democratic system, where everyone has a voice to share their lived experience and their needs and concerns, and where everyone has the opportunity to be understood and have access to resources that support the reaching of their full potential.

And why is this in everyone’s best interest?

Bc when we care about everyone, everyone gets cared for. And when everyone gets to thrive, progress is the result.

This antiquated need to control and conquer will always lead to violence. We’ve seen this again and again, over and over.

We see people in leadership positions who create campaigns promising to protect those people who are also afraid of change, and together they create teams, even armies that pretend to stand for values, but really only stand for protecting what they’re afraid of losing: perceived power and control. And nothing new gets created bc these people are too busy protecting what they believe is under attack.

It’s been amazing to see a new paradigm shift emerge in the parenting world. The way more and more people with science as evidence are recognizing the value of validation, and the magic that happens when people invest in connecting before protecting and/or correcting, and when people invest in adjusting environments to meet our kids’ needs instead of the other way around.

As parents and caretakers, we are learning that children in homes with authoritarian parents often get squashed and have greater difficulty rising to their fullest potential and greater difficulty developing their own values and their own passions, bc they’ve been wired so deeply to comply with other people’s expectations, noble or not.

And I think authoritarian people in governments are similar—they want to keep people from expressing themselves and their perspectives and reaching their full potential by making sure they’re busy working, keeping the oppressive systems in place, and punishing them whenever they step out of line.

Just as we are seeing with this current “leader”, anytime he feels his perspective is being criticized or challenged, instead of opening his mind to connect with the people, “we the people” who he works for, by the way, and listening to people until his perspective merges with theirs and results in caring, he feels so threatened and so offended, that he uses the resources of this country as his own to silence everyone who doesn’t subscribe to his might-as-law, to the point where he’s now manufactured an attack on his ego as an attack on the nation and has called in the national guard and the military to protect himself and his shitty ideas from his own people, the majority of who are simply defending the constitution and their right to exist according to the law in this fair and free nation.

Just as in the metaphor about agriculture, what always happens eventually, is that those who need to be the one crop always wind up poisoning themselves and everyone around them.

Just look at these people currently in charge, the ones so adamantly operating from their own perspectives and trying to dominate or dispose of all the others.

Look at their faces. They do not strike me as happy-looking people running home to embrace their families with peace and gentleness. They look poisoned by their own awful ideas.

They look like people whose heels are so deeply dug in that they can no longer budge, even if they wanted to, so they dress up being stuck as being loyal.

But on the other end of the spectrum—look at the faces of the people who have embraced a larger perspective—people who have the courage to merge their stories with the stories of others who are different. People who stand up for the rights of others. People who listen, validate, and are willing to learn and collaborate with each other. These people look brave, alive and inspiring.

To me, I think it’s important to understand the origin of these scared-of-being-weak people in charge—many of them don’t have experience with diversity, which means their brains are not diverse. They are champions of their own stories but strangers to everyone else’s.

They are myopic-minded but don’t know it, bc they’ve kept themselves away from spaces where they could be exposed to diverse perspectives. And that’s their blindspot. And also their weakness.

Even the richest guy in the world apparently had too much to lose by merging his perspective with others. Instead, he turned his ketamine binges into an epiphany about how wild it is that he could control the whole world, instead of having the kind of epiphany where he realized he could make a difference in it.

But I think these people are setting an inadvertent example for the rest of us: they are teaching us that all the riches and power in the world can’t create a wealth mindset. That these people who fight to keep their power will always be the people who fear what they would be lacking without it.

It’s a messy rat nest of a world, but the only way I can think to begin to sort it out is by standing up for diversity, standing up for those who not only deserve a fair shot, but standing for what this nation was built on—this idea of freedom for all, free expression for all, and due process for all—and by never again voting for these fearful hoarders who so arrogantly only care about diversity when it’s in their investment portfolios—off the backs of others.

They’re not protecting peace. They’re protecting their narrative. Trying to silence other people’s voices so that theirs is the only one people will listen to.

No one’s perfect, no political party is perfect, but I’ll always vote for the politicians who understand that their job is to serve the people’s interests, not their own. I’ll always vote for politicians who serve the public and invest not only in safety nets, but in every social service that supports people’s access to resources that make it possible to live to their full potential. People who understand that diversity and equity and inclusion are the fertilizer for us all to grow and flourish together.

There is enough space in this world for everyone to live free—thriving and safe. It would just require that those who hoard what they don’t even need be held accountable for their theft and be required at long last to open up their minds and their hearts and their pocketbooks and finally share.

-JLK

One of the most counterintuitive things that I try to practice whenever I can remember to, is to speak to people’s healed parts.

Even if someone’s unhealed parts are front and center, being awful, if the situation isn’t dangerous, and I have the spoons, I will try out something like, “Sounds like this is something you’re really passionate about. Tell me why. I want to understand.”

Or, “I don’t blame you for being upset. Waiting in this long line is the worst. Especially after a crappy day. You ok?”

Mind you, I don’t always have the spoons for such things. I moved to the middle of the woods, for God’s sake, bc I had no more spoons.

But, when I have tried out speaking to people’s healed parts, what I’ve noticed, is that their healed parts usually speak back.

And their healed parts are often likable. Because people’s healed parts love to be invited to communicate-to-be-understood.

Likewise, if I choose to speak to someone’s unhealed parts and say something like, “Nice going, jackass,” their unhealed parts will speak back—not to be understood, but to be heard. Loud and clear:

“Who the f are you talking to? What’s your problem, asshole?”

What’s usually in my way, even when I do have spoons, is thinking the other person doesn’t deserve my healed parts. But what if their healed parts do?

Many of us have healed parts buried deep down inside of us, healed parts that no one’s ever spoken to. Maybe that’s why so many of us wound up with so many unhealed parts, as a way to cope with this deep sadness.

-JLK

In case anyone needs this reminder…

Do you carry a lot of secret anxiety that causes you to suffer, on and off, almost around the clock?

Yes.

What if other people were the same as you?

I'd send them all flowers.

Well, can you do me a favor and send some flowers to yourself as well?

I guess so.

Your feelings matter too, you know. You deserve your own kindness.

Yes. You’re right. Thank you for reminding me.

-JLK

Uncovering a blindspot can look like...

I wonder where my son gets this... this refusal to let go of anything that upsets him until enough time passes that it becomes irrelevant...? His dad isn't like this... I don't think his dad's family was like this... Was my mother like this? I don't think so... (awkward moment) Oh.

I feel compelled to share this ridiculousness.

So my son was online with his friends late last night and asked if I’d keep him company in his room for a bit. Something I’m glad to do from time-to-time bc I love that he still feels comforted by my presence.

His online time with his friends is so sacred to him. And I really respect it. And part of that space means that I don’t speak to him before he presses mute. He’s 13 now, after all.

So I fell asleep in his room at which point I had an awful nightmare.

I was somewhere, not sure where, when this taller-than-me and very skinny spider monkey entered the room and began to assault me.

It sounds so ridiculous now, but I was terrified. So terrified that I could not speak or scream.

I’d open my mouth to call for help and no sound would come out. And I kept trying and trying until finally I roared, “I said NOOOOO!”

Only, I actually roared this in real life, at which point my son pressed mute and said, “Mama!!! Why did you DO that?!”

He looked so confused and I was laughing so hard, feeling so confused myself, about how seconds ago I had finally mustered the courage to defend myself against this giant spider monkey and how now I was back in my son’s room, trying to explain that I’d been talking in my sleep.

My son nodded and said he no longer needed my company. And so I left. Went back into the other room, laughing still, but feeling proud that I found a voice to speak up for myself in my dream.

Moments like these deserve to be shared, right?

-JLK

Today I think of all the people who were only praised for complying—whether it was chores or school or whatever—but whose interests and talents were completely ignored or devalued.

People who found the courage to share what was inspiring to them in their hearts and then received at best a “Yeah very nice… but what will you do for a real job.”

There are so many people who have stifled their heart’s expression bc someone wearing blindspots wasn’t able to see the brilliance before them.

But the good news is that these gifts within us never die. As long as you’re still here, you’ve got gifts to share. Not with those people with blinders on. Let them carry on with their routines. But with the people who are able to see. Those are the ones who will be available to receive your gifts and thank you for them.

-JLK

Pinball Machining

I’m often home caring for my son. And it’s a ripe environment for what I call pinball machining.

It’s when I launch myself into planning for futures and I zoom over to the next book I’m working on but I can’t focus so I zoom to the kitchen and have food but it makes me sick so then I zoom to the medicine cabinet to make myself feel better and then I zoom to my phone to take my mind off feeling icky and then I zoom to whatever I scrolled by that tried selling me what I’m missing that might make me feel better and then I zoom to a pocket of shame that I wasted my time investigating it and then I zoom to the idea to call a friend and then zoom to the reasons why I shouldn’t and then zoom to feeling bad about my patterns and then on and on and on until I burn out and roll down the gutter and into the abyss. lol.

Pin ball machining is an exhausting unintended sport. And for those of us at home with kids who can’t leave a lot, it’s easy to get unhinged and not know what to hinge to. And for me, this is when the pinball machining begins.

But if I can recognize the pattern and hinge to documenting what happened, like I’m doing here, through writing, it gives me a little laugh and reminds me that I’m still connected to my experiences, and it also reminds me that what’s happening now is an important chapter, and that yes, there will be next chapters.

So if you’re zooming around in your own pinball machine today, you’re not alone.

See if you can catch yourself zooming, and see if you can offer yourself some compassion and love, and then find an outlet to share what the experience of pinball machining is like for you.

In my experience, this can sometimes be a useful way to ground myself inside my current moment instead of zooming all over the place, trying to find a better moment elsewhere.

Sending love,

JLK

If you grew up constantly criticized, you may have learned that your natural traits are problems.

Maybe bc the adults from your past needed you to be a certain way for them, they judged who you already were as too loud or too quiet or too attention-seeking or too rambunctious or too needy or too idealistic or too lazy or too defiant.

But to me, part of healing is embracing our natural traits—these natural expressions of ourselves that their judgments prevented them from appreciating—and letting these natural traits lead us to our natural interests.

When you grow up being criticized, it makes sense that you’d develop a deep need for validation, but the problem with earning validation from people who don’t “get” you, is that to earn it, you may believe you have to be someone other than who you naturally are.

And this habit of working hard to be someone else often turns into a lifestyle that we normalize for the rest of our lives. And it’s exhausting.

But once we understand that these people from our pasts were probably just frustrated by whatever they were frustrated by, without the time, energy or perspective to recognize and be awed by the amazing beings that we were, a new space opens up.

And instead of forcing ourselves to be “on” all the time, aka, working so hard to be someone we believe would be more accepted and likable than who we really are, we can see what happens when we give ourselves permission to be ok with who we actually are right now.

And if you’re “no one” right now. Good. What a relief. Bask as long as you can being “no one.” And see who naturally shows up. You might be surprised to meet an as-of-yet unknown version of yourself.

Sending love and pockets of peace to you,

JLK

You know that game “peekaboo” that adults play with babies? And how it’s so crazy for the babies, because when the adults cover their faces, the babies really believe that the adults have disappeared?

Well, I think there’s a similar developmental stage that some adults experience.

The main difference is that when these adults open their eyes and discover that the person they were looking at has continued to exist, they get very upset.

I’ve witnessed this behavior mostly from adults who are uncomfortable by those who they imagine are “different.”

Instead of understanding that other people are separate, they seem to judge other people as extensions of themselves.

And so when they run into someone they don’t approve of—perhaps someone who has not subscribed to their particular values or lifestyle—the person’s existence occurs to them as a violation of their own.

Even when the other person is way over there—on a screen or in another country—a person with Adult Peekaboo Syndrome will still get upset that this other person exists.

A person with Adult Peekaboo Syndrome usually copes by hoping that these other people will disappear, but if they don’t, they will try to disappear them in other ways. Not just by covering their eyes, but by publicly renouncing and devaluing what they stand for.

Or by taking up leadership roles and creating policies that would disappear these others in some “legal” capacity.

Or, in some unspeakably tragic cases, by literally unaliving them.

If the consequences weren’t so dangerous, it would be fascinating, the way these adults confuse others as extensions of themselves.

And it would be fascinating, the way they find agreement from others who suffer from the same affliction, and how together, they find “evidence” that they are right by interpreting science or holy texts through their tiny apertures until it supports their fears.

But sadly, the consequences outweigh the fascination.

I’ve witnessed these people many times. I’ve seen them get all riled up when someone has simply posted or has said something they don’t agree with. But I’ve seen them get the most upset by the existence of gay and trans people.

And it makes sense.

Bc when someone with Adult Peekaboo Syndrome holds “being straight” as a core part of their identity through which they navigate the world, and they cross paths with a gay or trans person, someone they mistakenly see as an extension of themselves, they may feel on some deep level that they too, will have to be gay or trans, or that they are being asked to.

And this pressure may feel to them like an actual threat on a visceral level. Like they can’t quite trust the world, or who they are in the world, as long as these other people are in it.

There’s this amazing activist, Duane Elgin, who talks about how we humans are in our teenage years as a species, in terms of our development.

So perhaps this phenomenon of the Adult Peekaboo Syndrome is an evolutionary chapter, and at some point all of us will expand our aperture together and understand together that yes, in some larger context, we are each other—but that’s only when speaking of the “being” within us all, that’s beyond gender or religion or sexual orientation or politics.

And though I do believe it’s part of our purpose to find outlets to share this unadulterated “being” through our own unique perspectives and our own unique lived experiences, this is very different from imagining that we should all be the same in terms of who we are in our lives.

This would not only be impossible, it would destroy diversity and creativity and make the world a very bland and unintelligent place.

The truth is, everyone is entitled to be the most authentic version of themselves, whether that version is approved of or not. And a good society is one where everyone has a safe space to do so—as separate, autonomous people with the same access to equal rights and resources.

To me, pages in a holy book are not at all holy compared to the moments of our lives, where we cross paths with each other in real time and have the opportunity to reach out with our hearts and minds and be willing to discover a more grand perspective—one that says, “Oh wow, this person is out here living their life and I'm here living my life and there's enough space for this to happen for both of us."

People say they want freedom. Well, they need to also understand that freedom is not just for them. It’s for all of us to be the full authentic expression of who we are, so long as we aren’t hurting anyone else in the meantime.

Otherwise it’s not freedom for all, it’s just a way of mandating entitlement at the expense of others.

So if you have been on the receiving end of Adult Peekaboo Syndrome, and someone has been upset when they open their eyes and find that you’re still here? Remember, it’s their deficit, not yours.

I am so glad you’re here—and I’m over here honoring who you are and applauding every time you’re out in the world sharing yourself.

Happy Pride!

-JLK

I needed this reminder today…

I don’t know who needs to hear this—don’t know who might be in the midst of ruminating over their past so deeply, they’ve forgotten they’re already long past it…

But here’s something I’ve noticed: Not everyone gets from Point A to Point M, or whatever point you’re at, on ice skates… No... Sometimes you crawl, sometimes you need a tow truck that never comes, sometimes you get stuck in a heap of shit so deep, it takes everything you’ve got to pull yourself out…

But no matter how you’ve arrived where you are, I want you to be damn proud. You’ve arrived. Life might not be perfect, but you’ve learned so much, you’ve expanded so much. You have a wealth of wisdom, compassion and experience inside of you and so many gifts to share.

If you have even an ounce of shame, please take that shame and see it for what it is: a younger version of yourself who needed understanding, validation and compassion and found none, a younger version of yourself who coped with pain, anxiety and confusion the only way that younger version knew how.

Trust who you are today. You deserve a fucking break. As my mother once told me during a really unpleasant stroll down a most unpleasant memory lane: You don’t carry the past. It’s just too damn heavy to lug around. Let it go.

-JLK

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to understand yourself and your life in retrospect?

That’s bc when we look back, we’re not in survival mode. We’re in reflection mode.

And in reflection mode, we can see a bigger picture.

We can see who we were, what needs we had, and what hoops we tried so hard to climb through to get those needs met.

We can see our patterns more clearly in retrospect, and empathize with the sadness and confusion we were too busy surviving to feel.

We can look back and breathe life and love into those younger people we once were, and help them to heal.

And we can also understand, that if those same toxic things were still happening right now, many of us would still not be present. Bc we’d once again be too busy surviving.

To me, seeing my life in retrospect is one way to recognize my patterns, and also to offer myself compassion, by understanding my needs so that I can discover new ways to meet them that are more aligned with the person I’ve become.

-JLK

I tend to forget the impact of my past—the way I muscled through terror as a little kid because there were no hugs available. But my kid has hugs available when he's scared. I just have to keep remembering that I'm here to give them, instead of giving him my tools to muscle through.

-JLK

We’re All Gonna Die

A new children’s book by Sen. Joni Ernst

(Satire based on this woman’s horrible recent words to her constituents at a town hall.)

You have dreams, you want to reach for the sky

Well don’t bother, honey, cuz we’re all gonna die

Your kids are starving, your granny’s frail?

Well, maybe it’s about time we let those ships sail.

Cuz who says your life matters?

Just cuz you’re alive?

Did you even earn your rent, that pays for you to thrive?

You feel entitled, imagine you matter?

As something more than a billionaire’s ladder?

We’re building a new world where the wealthy pull the strings

And we’ve got Jesus on our side now as one of the kings.

But don’t you fret. Your sadness won’t last long

Cuz before you know it, honey, you’ll be long gone.

From my experience, whenever someone tries to devalue empathy, they’re either trying to talk themselves or talk others into not feeling bad about the mistreatment of others. It’s grooming for cruelty.

-JLK

A memory from when my son was in first grade, before I pulled him out of school…

So did you eat the school lunch today?

No.

Why?

Because I'm someone who doesn't like the sound of Taco Tuesday.

There are so many people with incredible ideas who are out there doubting themselves.

And at the same time, there are a lot of people, wired for revenge and retribution, who are out there implementing some of the most horrible, unhealed ideas imaginable, without a stitch of doubt.

I think we need to make more of an effort to encourage the people with the incredible ideas, ideas that could make a real difference, and more of an effort to stand up and seriously question these other people who are out there doing harm and bragging about it.

-JLK

To me, anyone who believes that IQ is the sole indicator of intelligence is lacking a wider perspective of understanding.

There are as many forms of intelligence as there are colors. And one is not superior to the other.

An intelligent society would know this and invest the time and effort to create the resources and outlets for every person to discover their gifts, aka their intelligence.

The problem with the current model is that the people in charge want to shove everyone into one kind of intelligence and then judge the people when they fail.

But the kids are not failing. They're being held back by a failing system that isn't smart enough to recognize and accommodate a vast, beautiful spectrum of brilliance.

-JLK

If you grew up around adults who weaponized labels by tacking on the word ‘disorder’ every time they recognized you were having difficulty with something, you may have kept your lagging skills to yourself.

But I think it’s important to know that for every lagging skill you may have, you’ve got a natural gift that’s looking for an outlet.

I also think it’s important to understand that there are a lot of people who can’t access their natural gifts bc they’re using all their energy to muscle through their lagging skills and they’re too afraid to get support, too afraid someone will see them as less-than, or disordered.

From what I’ve noticed, this society is simply a system with a particular set of working parts. So just bc you’re not naturally working well as part of this system doesn’t mean you’ve got a problem—to me, it just means that this system may not be a match for who you truly are.

To me, the most valuable investment isn’t learning how to be a working part of the system, but to invest in finding outlets for our natural gifts.

I’m not saying we don’t need skills to navigate in our current systems. Only that we may need to invest our energy into figuring out how to modify the current systems so that they work for more of us, so that we have more time and energy to pursue outlet that are a match for who we are.

And maybe by doing so, we’ll be creating new kinds of systems, that work for more kinds of people. 

-JLK

Amusing myself this morning…

Will I Ever Have a Hairstyle?

A poem by JLK

There once was a girl with a bun

Who had planned on getting her hair done

But that bun stayed up high

Till the day that she died

And it still rests like a nest in her coffin.

I don't know if I'm cut out for that...

I say this to myself a lot. But the thing I also know is that we don't know who we'll be until we take the chance to try out something new.

Who we are is not static, who we are is constantly being transformed and updated by our circumstances.

But for those of us who've had a lot of shitty circumstances and have fought against being transformed by them, we might keep ourselves so safe that we miss out on the kinds of circumstances that could inspire us to get to know a new part of ourselves that hasn't yet gotten the chance to emerge.

I guess what I'm saying is if we follow our interests and give new situations a chance, it could be something that we're grateful we did, instead of something we'll regret.

-JLK

From what I’ve noticed, when a person becomes the spokesperson for their unhealed parts and revenge becomes their medicine of choice, their behavior can lead to dangerous outcomes.

And when this kind of spokesperson finds a platform to enroll the unhealed parts of others with the promise of revenge for them too, and these other people cheer and vote this spokesperson into the highest office of the land, their behavior together can lead to dangerous outcomes for entire populations of people.

Bc who is the enemy?

When people are operating as the spokespeople for their unhealed parts, the enemy becomes anyone who challenges and therefore threatens them.

And bc it’s a natural part of the problem-solving process to communicate by asking questions and proposing alternative perspectives, these spokespeople for their unhealed parts see the enemy everywhere.

And bc of this, when these spokespeople become leaders, they lack the cohesive focus that’s necessary to build things that might make a difference for everyone, and instead their passion becomes to dismantle anything and everything that poses a perceived threat to what they imagine is already theirs, or what should be theirs.

These unhealed spokespeople then create a safety net of agreement made up of people who choose silence or praise to avoid punishment, perhaps bc that’s what soothes their own unhealed wounds, and they also surround themselves with other revenge-seeking people who have convinced themselves that they’re on the “right” side of history, and even talk themselves into believing that a higher power is encouraging them.

What a dangerous symbiosis.

And before we know it, we’ve got an entire country run blindly by the unhealed parts of people while the rest of us wind up paying for one man’s wounds that he doesn’t even realize he has.

Revenge is a blindspot that tricks people into imagining that what they’re seeing is 20/20.

It replaces good values and good ideas with retribution and greed disguised as patriotism.

And it flourishes when the healed parts of people observe the insanity but rightfully protect themselves from it, or mock it from a distance.

And maybe it stops when more and more of us go out into the world as the spokespeople for our healed parts, and begin communicating with the unhealed parts of others by inviting them to share their lived experience and offering validation and understanding and even support as a pathway to a more expanded perspective, instead of giving people more reasons to seek revenge.

-JLK

If you’re moving on from people-pleasing and entering the realm of communicating authentically, you may find yourself wondering what it means to be kind.

If “kindness” no longer means giving the people what you imagine they want so they’re happy with you, what does it mean?

I think that’s the great part of stepping into authenticity. We get to decide what “being kind” means for us.

For myself, it means first reminding myself that I’m whole and complete as I am without any extra dollops of validation from others.

And then, for myself, it means communicating-to-be-understood for who I currently am, and listening-to-understand who others currently are. (After all, we’re always transforming.)

It means noticing when I’m working so hard at crafting my self-expression so that it’s judgment-proof, and instead, taking a chance to communicate what’s so for me.

And on the flip side, it’s being willing to receive the communication of others, wherever they happen to be in their depth of awareness, without making it mean anything about who I am.

-JLK

Instead of, "I couldn't care less," I'm trying, "Yes, it hurts. And I'm here to soothe myself, until this hurt passes."

-JLK

I try to make it a habit not to comment on things I have no actual lived experience with.

In these cases, I try to make it a habit to instead ask questions and learn from people who do.

This to me is one way to understand and care about people, rather than to see people as extensions of my own personal belief system.

Bc when people see others as something to cram into their box of evidence to support their belief systems, what they’re doing is objectifying people.

And when people in leadership positions do this, and insist they understand others based on the evidence they’ve collected to reinforce their belief systems, and then create policies to support these belief systems, it can lead to dehumanizing others.

There are so many contexts that people live inside, and to me, to support people, we have to ask each individual person who they are and what kinds of support they need, not assume we know.

Supporting others by assuming we understand who they are bc of the evidence we’ve collected can force outcomes at the expense of others just trying to live their lives, and to me, that’s dehumanizing.

-JLK

Let’s retire those old ways of sucking up our upsets till the weight within us is heavier than we can bear, and let's instead take our upsets into our own hands, and be there for ourselves with the love, patience and understanding we so deserve.

-JLK

There's always a story underneath the story underneath the story.

Making a judgment when you're only looking at the surface will always be a reflection of the person making the judgment. You can't judge what you don't understand.

And the funny thing is—once there's understanding, judgment suddenly gets pretty hard to find.

-JLK

I thought to share an exercise that’s been helping me experience my own feelings when they show up.

The theme of the exercise is to affirm my feelings, whatever they are. Especially the feelings that are difficult for me to be with.

For instance:

Breathing in, I feel anger.

Breathing out, I feel anger.

Breathing in, I feel anger that I was dismissed instead of validated.

Breathing out, I feel anger bc I wanted to feel like I was worth the time to be heard and understood.

Breathing in, I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Breathing out, I feel embarrassed and ashamed bc feeling dismissed brings up feelings of being less-than and undeserving of people’s love, and I don’t like to feel as if I’m in that same kind of situation again.

Not the typical affirmations, I suppose, but what I’ve noticed for myself, is that it’s often so painful for me to feel my feelings, that I wind up disassociating instead, and coping destructively.

So this affirming exercise has been a gentle way to join my own experiences.

To feel what I’m feeling, until I feel understood and validated enough that the feelings begin to transform, like clouds, into something else.

And then, I pay attention to what they’re transforming into, and I affirm that:

Breathing in, I feel sadness.

Breathing out, I feel sadness.

And if I feel up to it, I can affirm why I feel sad and also offer myself perspective and compassion:

Breathing in, I’m feeling sad that I still have so many of the same problems I’ve always had.

But breathing out, I realize also how much my awareness has expanded, and in this larger space, I’ve gained so much more understanding about how my problems originated, and so much more compassion for myself and for the ways I’ve coped with circumstances that were often out of my control.

And I can also affirm who I am for myself while I’m doing the exercise:

Breathing in, I’m here supporting myself.

Breathing out, I’m still here supporting myself.

Breathing in, I matter enough to support myself.

Breathing out, I appreciate myself, even when it feels hard to be me.

And if and when I find that I feel neutral enough to create a new feeling I’d like to experience, I can affirm something new:

Breathing in, I feel peace.

Breathing out, I still feel peace.

Breathing in, I feel peace and joy bc I’m alive and I’m aware that I’m alive.

And breathing out, I feel peace and joy bc even though life is hard, it feels meaningful to be part of this crazy experience.

And I can still allow whatever else comes up to also be affirmed:

Breathing in, I’m feeling an interruption of anxiety.

Breathing out, I’m still here supporting myself with love and acceptance.

If you’re an escape artist like me, someone who flees your body to avoid the pain it carries, maybe this exercise will be helpful to you like it has been for me.

Sending love,

JLK

I'm learning more and more, that when I remember to let go of what 'normal' or ‘successful’ moments in a family should look like, I suddenly feel less panicked, less tense, and I can shift into being more present to what's actually happening right now.

And in that space, I can try out connecting with my son just as he is, not who I think he ought to be, and see what happens.

When I remember to be curious instead of being so busy trying to force outcomes, what often shows up is something unpredictable and meaningful for us both.

There are so many neon messages blinking on and off at us everyday, all day long, screaming in so many ways: You’re not enough!

Maybe the trick is to create our own messages and place them in as many places as we can: Slow down a minute. Bc not only are you enough—who you are is a gift to discover—a gift to yourself and a gift to whoever you choose to share yourself with.

-JLK

It can be a humbling experience to shift our behavior for our kids, especially if we were raised to believe that it's a kid's job to shift their behavior for adults.

-JLK

Whenever I feel stuck, I long for a breakthrough. To crack my veneer and step outside of my safety and into something new.

But having a breakthrough isn’t a graceful process. We have to birth ourselves through something very small to enter the bigger space we long for.

I often wonder why we stop tallying milestones after walking and running. We still have to figure out where we want to go and who we want to be.

And just the act of going anywhere can be a scary endeavor, because it’s so unpredictable. But yet, we also know that staying stuck can wind up being equally deadly.

I’m not saying we have to pack up and ship out.

Breaking through can be done not only in distances but in depths. So long as you travel somewhere, the destination doesn’t seem so important. Just that you’re breaking through what you already know to discover something new.

But when you do embark, please make sure you take with you some self-soothing for if you get hurt, and some values to anchor to, so you don’t get lost.

And don’t forget to share what you discover, it just might help someone else feel less alone and stuck. 

-JLK

You know that old story about the lazy guy who left his lab a rotting mess only to accidentally discover the antibiotic that saved so many people’s lives?

Well, I think there’s a lesson there:

Sometimes circumstances show up that we weren’t expecting. Circumstances that aren’t as pretty as we’d like.

But if we pay attention, there could be a treasure lurking right inside our messy lives that could take us on a whole new direction in life.

So if you’re wallowing, I get it, but peek around, and also within—see if you can find your own powerful substance that’s been brewing, something you may have discarded as rotting, something that wouldn’t have been able to manifest without your circumstances being what they are.

And try that stuff out. You might be surprised to discover that it’s the missing ingredient you’ve been waiting for all along.

-JLK

I remember once being little and driving over a bridge with my mother. I had sunk down into my seat to get more comfortable and my mother looked over and laughed. “You scared of the bridge, little girl? Don’t you worry. We’ll be on the other side in just a minute.“

It was so wonderful to see her smiling and caring about my feelings that I just went along with it and pretended I was scared.

I’m fact, from then on, I pretended to be scared of bridges just so I could get her attention in that way where I felt seen and cared for.

I became known as someone who was scared of bridges. And I actually became scared of bridges.

I didn’t realize it back then, but I was learning that I could pretend to be something I wasn’t in order to get the kind of reaction I was longing for.

And I also didn’t realize that sometimes, entire personalities are the result of pretending over time to be who we aren’t in order to receive these things we imagine we’re lacking.

In my case, I was looking for the feeling that someone was glad I existed instead of what I often felt—that I was a burden and someone who couldn’t quite do anything right enough.

Of course my mother didn’t really need me to be scared of bridges to give me her love.

She was just noticing what she was noticing to get a break from her own inner Ferris wheel of unmet needs and her own unhealed reasons for why she imagined they weren’t being met.

But that’s how cause and effect works. If I had tried whistling and got her attention that way, I might have continued whistling, associating on some level that doing so would receive the feedback my wounded heart craved.

Learning to pretend in order to get the kind of attention I craved, I became very focused on the outside looking in.

And I became very dependent on other people’s reactions to be both my compass and my scale—to determine the direction I travelled in my life, and to determine what lifted me up and what brought me down.

Whenever I felt neglected or “not enough” by other people’s reactions, I quickly pretended to be something else to make up for it, to get a better reaction.

But over time, relying on other people’s reactions turns life into an out of control roller coaster—up when people give us what we need and down when they don’t.

And over time, this can create health problems—both mental and physical.

And over time, this business of pretending made me a stranger to my own real experiences, to what was authentically so for me.

Getting off the roller coaster of pretending to be who I’m not in order to get my needs met, I learned to practice being in my body, to give myself time to pay attention to what I was experiencing.

What a shift to be in my body as the experiencer of my life—as someone who allows my own experiences to create what’s real for me—instead of lingering outside my body, and adjusting myself to appease some imagined gaze of others.

I’m still practicing. And still healing, by discovering the things that lift me up and paying attention to the things that bring me down—and honoring these things for myself, knowing that my experience and who I am matters.

-JLK

I forget this a lot…

It can take so much effort to care for yourself in a world that often doesn't seem to recognize that you matter.

In case you need a reminder:

You are absolutely worth caring for yourself.

-JLK

When I practice seeing the traffic of life from a top floor perspective, I have a much easier time understanding that other people's behavior has very little to do with me.

And with this understanding, when I return to the ground floor and someone beeps at me, instead of beeping back, I can remember what I saw from that top floor, and practice being a little more patient and maybe a little more empathetic, knowing that we're all stuck in different kinds of jams in different kinds of vehicles all at the very same time.

-JLK

I think one reason it's so hard to be consistent is because our behavior in survival mode is so different from our behavior when we feel safe.

I think this is why healing is best done when we feel safe. Because when we feel safe, we can reflect on those moments when we didn’t.

And when we take the time to think deeper about this stuff while we’re feeling safe, we have more clarity to determine whether the people who triggered us were actually a threat to us, or if they just reminded us of a time when we were helpless and didn’t feel safe and had no choice but to shift into survival mode.

And if this is the case, then we can offer these parts of ourselves our love and understanding and compassion.

When we are able to recognize the stuff that activates unsafe feelings within us, it’s as if we’re shining a light on those moments.

And then, when we encounter these moments throughout our days, instead of reacting and shifting straight into survival mode, we might remember to ask ourselves if we have a choice here—a choice to see what we’ve already illuminated when we felt safe—and maybe even discover that we actually feel safe right now.

And that we actually have the skills to problem-solve instead of react—skills like self-soothing, and skills like communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand.

I’m noticing more and more that when we develop awareness of the parts of ourselves that are still struggling to survive as well as the parts of ourselves that feel safe, we create compassionate connections between all our parts that help us to feel more whole.

And when we begin to feel whole, we may realize that we are capable of creating deeper, more fulfilling connections—with ourselves first, and also with others.

-JLK

People get so frustrated, myself included, that we still have some of the same constraints we had back when we were young. But maybe they're not constraints. Maybe they're symptoms of an unstable foundation.

When a house is built on an unstable foundation, that house is going to lack support. And down the line, the person depending on that foundation is going to notice some serious problems. Until the owner of the house figures out what's going on and starts the process of strengthening and repairing that foundation.

It's not our fault. But sadly, we are now the only ones around to do this work that no one back then knew how to do.

So many of us are learning these skills as we go. And it can be so brutal and frustrating. But let's pat ourselves on the back and give ourselves some well-deserved appreciation, bc we're doing a great job.

-JLK

I often need this reminder…

If you had to labor as a kid for love or for gold stars of approval, chances are you still feel you have to labor for love and approval.

Because you learned that ‘doing nothing’ was simply not enough.

Just-being-you might have been ok if it was accompanied by something extra on the side—a great report card, a painting for grandma, a brand new dress that looked oh so pretty, a mosaic hot plate for Mrs. Whoever.

But you, on your own, just feeling comfortable being you, lacked that special sauce.

If you’re anything like me, it might be hard to believe that you on your own, without all those side dishes, is absolutely whole and complete.

But I think it’s important to remember that laboring for others—laboring to be seen as a this or a that—isn’t the rent we need to pay for our existence to be valid and worthy.

Other people’s approval or excitement about what we feel called to share isn’t what makes us valuable.

Who we are is already valuable.

We’ve earned our spot here the moment we were born. And we are allowed to appreciate who we are as we are, and appreciate our time here.

-JLK

Unhealed mothers can cause a lot of hurt.

If you carry hurt from your mother, scoop it up and notice what it's made of.

As a child, my mother gave me what she had in abundance. This was often stress and pain. If she'd had more access to love at the time, she would have given it to me.

Knowing this, I release my mother's hurt. I release her absence. I release her poor judgment. I release the spaces she created that I felt unsafe in.

I let it go so that I don't keep it in my heart as a palette to give from. I close my eyes and feel within me the space where love flows.

And I allow this love to soothe me. And I will remind myself to revisit this space where love flows, until this love flows abundant. And I will do my best to make sure that it's from this space, that I share myself with my own child.

-JLK

Sometimes, I just need an apology. And so I channel one for myself. Thought I’d share, in case anyone else needs one…

I wish I could speak for those people from your past who refuse to get the impact of their behavior.

Those people who could never apologize or even consider admitting they made giant mistakes. If I could speak for some part of them that somehow knows the truth, I would tell you:

I'm sorry for my lack of awareness. I'm sorry for the pain and damage it caused you. I'm sorry that I couldn't budge to see what you were enduring. I'm sorry for betraying you. For giving you so much to heal from and never being able to accept that my choices and blindspots hurt you. I'm sorry I could never allow your experiences to be real for me. I'm sorry I minimized your pain. I'm sorry I never realized how much you matter. If I had known then what I know now, I would have asked for your forgiveness so long ago. I don't expect you to forgive me. And I will honor your boundaries. But I hope you'll believe me when I say I really am sorry. I don't want you to carry these burdens anymore. Please let me take them so you can be free.

Reminder to myself…

When a kid's threat response is activated, he doesn't need to be disciplined or shamed or negotiated with or fixed.

What he needs is a stable, secure adult to role model what it looks like to be stable and secure in the face of a stressful moment.

When a kid's threat response triggers an adult's threat response and the adult becomes reactive, the kid learns there is no peace or connection available during stressful moments. The kid learns:

If things get tough, I'm on my own, whether I can cope or not.

But when a parent is reactive and repairs afterwards—then the kid learns that mistakes are inevitable, but that apologizing and repairing afterwards can lead to deeper understanding and more meaningful connections.

-JLK

If you always had people noticing what you didn't do, you may have not received much appreciation for all your victories. And over time, you may have started skipping over your own victories, bc you were too focused on what you didn't do or what you didn't do good enough. Today, please take a few moments to appreciate your victories. Those things you did, tiny or big, that were aligned with what's meaningful and beautiful to you. You might be surprised by how many victories you've had.

-JLK

Me as I get older:

I'm going to set a timer.

15 minutes later: (in the midst of scrolling through food videos) What's that annoying sound? (turns off timer)

15 minutes later: (burning smell) Fuck!

How could I have done this... again?!

-JLK

If ever you feel rejected, sometimes it's helpful to remember that whatever you feel has been rejected is not the entirety of who you are.

Who you are is local in your being. And that experience is un-rejectable.

Sure, we might share some of our being and perhaps it's not received or it's skipped over. But like a rainbow in the sky that someone didn't notice bc they were focused on other things, it doesn't diminish the rainbow.

Keep sharing all the colors of you. Not to be noticed, or accepted or embraced, but simply bc it's what we do with our being: we express it.

-JLK

From what I’ve noticed, to really experience empathy, people need to connect with each other—to share lived experiences, to validate and understand each other—in order to ultimately care about each other.

But sadly, there are people, fueled by the need for power and revenge, whose mission is to figure out ways to prevent these connections from happening.

They will single people out as “those people over there” and then pick apart “those people” from a distance to highlight their differences, to create fear and a further need for separation.

People who run on the need for power and revenge loathe diversity bc it creates spaces where empathy is possible, and with empathy comes a caring about issues that are meaningful to more people than just ourselves.

Which poses a problem for those who want to hoard and control the resources only for themselves and for those like them, perhaps out of some unhealed fear that they’ll be left as a no one with nothing.

To prevent empathy from happening, people fueled by these fears of being left behind as a nobody with nothing will use their energy to strategize how to instill fear about “those other people over there” and how to convince others to agree with them, by promising protection from “those other people over there” if they join their side.

On their “side,” in their homogenized bubble, these afraid people, fueled by the need for power and revenge, will try to convince others that not everyone is entitled to empathy. That empathy is even weak. And they need to tell themselves this, bc there is no growth inside a homogenized bubble of same-ness, so to compensate for their lack of growth, they convince themselves that it’s actually strength.

People who run on the need to control the narrative despise town meetings and movies from other countries and diverse tv stations and curriculum that encourage people be their authentic selves and encourage people to learn from other authentic selves, bc these spaces run the risk of people connecting with each other, understanding each other’s lived experiences, and developing empathy for each other.

Bc if, and most importantly *when* this happens, it runs the risk of completely dismantling their homogenized bubble, and therefore their control of implementing their plan to make the world more manageable and profitable for themselves.

To me, one way to resist, is to resist giving any agreement to the idea of “those people,” whomever “those” people are.

And when racism ableism homophobia xenophobia and all the many, many ways people separate each other rears its head, to rear back the head of diversity—to highlight the beauty of our differences, to highlight the peace that comes from connecting with all people, until “those people” transform from “them over there” to you and me together, right here, right now, each of us deserving equal rights and equal access to resources and opportunities to make all our lives the best they can be.

Worth is not about skin color or geography or gender or class or any of those descriptors that turn someone into “something other.” Worth is the innate state of being alive that no one has the right to diminish or take away.

-JLK

I used to think it was a sign of weakness to get support. Until I realized I had created the identity of ‘being strong’ to survive the fact that no one ever showed up for me when I needed it.

It was a badge I bestowed upon myself to honor the fact that I had summoned the strength to survive on my own, regardless of who wasn’t there.

But then I burned out and really needed support.

Support from others is not a substitute for my own support, but it reminds me that other people have resources I don’t have access to. Ways of thinking that expand my perspective so that my blindspots aren’t keeping me from seeing the full story of what’s happening within me and around me.

And when I allow other people to support me, it inspires me to want to use my own resources to support others.

That’s how we spread support through the world, so we don’t create new generations that need to muscle through and tell themselves they don’t need anyone, just to survive the fact that no one’s there.

That’s also how we keep ourselves from becoming victims of corrupt administrations who capitalize on people’s inability to ask for support by calling it “socialism” or “weak” to further shame people, while they hoard all the resources and supports for themselves.

-JLK

You’ve used up so many years fighting for your worth when none of those people ever had the power to take it away.

-JLK

It doesn't matter if it looks like it should make you happy. It doesn't matter if other people believe it should make you happy. If something feels off, if something is causing you to suffer, you owe no explanation. Invest instead in getting to know yourself deeper so that you can create a plan that feels right.

-JLK

So many people are ready for battle. You can sense it in their opening lines. They've been reared to survive conflict—squash or be squashed.

But what people aren't ready for is validation. To be greeted with, “Tell me more. I want to understand where you're coming from. What made you come to this conclusion?"

I'm not saying I need to invest my efforts into validating every emotional-grenade-carrying hurt person I cross paths with, but every time I have, I learn the same thing: People are not walking around whole and complete. They're looking for their missing parts in all the wrong places. Or they're looking for the missing parts in others so they don't feel so singularly inept.

But if I speak to people like they actually are whole and complete, they might actually access that part of themselves that is, and that part of who they are might show up, relieved and peaceful and with a bit of humor, and surprise me.

From what l've noticed, it's impossible for a world of enemies to create peace together. Sometimes the best direction for peace isn't taking sides, it's accessing our depths—finding a mutual understanding, and connecting there.

I truly believe that it's this mutual understanding which has the potential to dissolve inflexibility and hate.

-JLK

If any amount of conflict has you in immediate survival-mode where all at once you’re half-consciously fearing punishment, fearing abandonment, fearing humiliation, fearing undeserved blame and trying to defend yourself so that you can possibly avoid these things—please give yourself a hug.

Bc no matter how old you are, if these reactions are still active in your body, you were really imprinted by whoever it was that repeatedly reacted to your behavior this way.

If this is you, please allow your awareness to travel deep underneath all these fears, so you can send some new messages to yourself. Messages like:

I am doing an incredible job learning to care for myself by feeling my feelings and giving myself my own encouragement.

I am doing an incredible job realizing that I matter.

I’m proud that I’m beginning to create environments that support my safety and well-being.

I’m proud that I’m valuing my interests and carving out time to pursue them.

I’m proud of the skills I’m developing, skills that support my interests and skills like learning to express myself through communicating-to-be-understood.

I’m proud that I’m getting used to feeling like I deserve the things I’ve always longed for.

I’m here for myself. I believe in myself.

-JLK

Sometimes I get so mad at myself once I return to my senses after a reactive moment.

"Why couldn't I have remembered love? Why couldn't I have accessed my wisdom and patience? Why did I forget to be the kind of parent to my child that I needed when I was little?"

But more and more, I remember that the shift back to this stuff begins with being this kind of person for myself first.

-JLK

Some kids go along with the program and some are the canaries in the bullshit mine.

They sense when anything’s done for show.

They question the intention of each demand you’ve asked them to comply with.

They remind you of the stories you’ve shared from your own childhood and ask why you’re insisting they comply with the very things that once caused you anguish.

They demand us to deconstruct what we believe is normal, and if we refuse, they’ll ask how we expect them to be flexible when we’re not even willing to bend enough to see their point.

But if we are willing to consider their point, we might find ourselves in a funny predicament, asking ourselves: “Why HAVE I complied with all this bullshit my whole life?”

And from there, maybe we can think about the possibility of shifting our expectations from the ones we’ve inherited to one’s that actually serve what’s most meaningful to who we really are.

Easier said than done.

-JLK

Not sure anyone will relate…

People’s conversations with other people:

Yeah, everything’s fine. Yup we’re just all busy with all our projects and schedules…

People’s conversations with themselves:

I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I’m approaching an abyss that I’m not sure I’ll ever emerge from…

-JLK

Boundaries…

If you know that someone isn't invested in their own healing, does it make any sense for you to let their behavior interfere with your own healing?

When you make the investment to heal your own pain, you cannot afford to internalize anyone else's.

-JLK

I plan, and my kid laughs.

—misquote of an old Yiddish proverb, for those of us parents who are home a lot with our kids.

(The actual expression, is: “We plan, and God laughs.”)

An Old Conversation With My Mother About War

(My mother passed unexpectedly in 2016. If she were alive today, she would have a lot to say about this current administration. The way they’ve hijacked the minds of the fucked-over, only to fuck them over even more. She would have rolled her eyes at the way these twice-fucked-over people would rather get fucked over thrice than support the people who actually have their backs. She would have been sickened by all these billionaires in power and whatever ketones in their energy shakes have been fueling their testosterone-laced inanity that has them proudly committing atrocities under the guise of saving the world. She would have said something about how the wolves have ditched the sheep’s clothing and how they’re now peddling wolf clothing to the sheep and gloating about how clever they are. And she would have lamented the victims of these people’s atrocities, victims who might look different today than victims looked the last time history repeated itself, but how the blindspots of these sorts of perpetrators have always and will always remain the same.)

Me: Mother, please don't kill that bug.

My Mother: Jessica, you have got to be motherfucking kidding me.

Me: Well, they have a right to be here, too.

My Mother: Crawling up my leg?

Me: You know there’s a religion in India where the people don't even kill mosquitoes.

My Mother: Well I assure you, if they lived here, they would flee the fold and buy a fly swatter.

Me: If you say so.

My Mother: Listen Jessica. I really do admire your pacifism, but darling, if some creature who carries disease is about to bite you, then you squash the motherfucker. I’m not saying you go out and get a machete and whack every bug in the world. But if it’s on your body and about to sink it's fangs into your flesh, you get rid of it. And the same goes for humans, Jessica.

Me: What?!

My Mother: Not every single human deserves to live in the world. I know you don’t like to hear that. I know you grew up around a bunch of dismissing jackasses and you’re rebelling by wanting to be the opposite and see the good in everyone, ok? But there are wretched beings who have gone way beyond the stage of being rehabilitated. And yes, it is sad that they fell through the cracks so deeply, and yes it’s a shame when people with potential become so out of control without any checks and balances, but when they harm innocent people, they must be removed from society.

Me: But how can you tell which people are so bad they shouldn’t have the right to live in the world?

My Mother: (sigh) Well, Jessica, because you have completely exhausted me and my poor aching brain can come up with no better example at the moment, I'm going to have to do H*tler. So when someone like H*tler has become the leader of his world and has his people putting other people into ovens and concentration camps, you do not get on a plane, knock on his door and give him a giant hug and tell him how you know he must be hurting bad to inflict such torture, how you understand he must have had a horrible childhood and that maybe your hug will open his dismal heart to the light and he will want to pay it forward and apologize to all those poor people. No honey. You send in the troops and you bomb the shit out of the evil and you save the victims. So do you get what I mean now? Evil is not someone who disagrees with you or steals your purse or your dignity. Evil is someone who tortures others because they have figured out in their sick minds that it’s the right thing to do.

Me: But I hate the idea of war. It uses so many resources and becomes just as corrupt as the evil guys.

My Mother: Well then, if you want to prevent war, Jessica, this is what you do. You make sure that in your presence, the voice of compassion is always louder than the voice of hate. That means every time you hear someone spewing any hate, you do not under any circumstances spew hate back. Never. You be brave and you do not take it personally - instead you be calm and immediately balance the hate with something kind. You go into your own vast collection of personal experiences and you share something amazing that changed your life for the better about the sort of people they’re hating. If everyone does this, the compassion spreads and there's less chance of a fucking lunatic taking over and giving a big fat voice to other hateful people.

Me: Maybe you're right.

My Mother: Of course I'm fucking right. You don’t do hate. And if someone disagrees with you, or insults what you hold dear to your heart, you don’t do anger either. You understand that everyone has a right to their reality so long as they are not torturing innocent people. And in my case, I save my anger for the idiots who text and drive while I’m trying to cross the motherfucking street. Then I use my voice for the stage and I shout, “Wake up, you motherless fucks!”

-JLK

Really feeling this lately…

It's not just the past that we're upset by.

It's that the empty spaces we grew up with, where nurturing might have been and connections might have been, are still those same empty spaces.

But now we've got families that also feel these empty spaces, bc those past people still haven't shown up. So we've got to fill these empty spaces not only for ourselves but for our children. And some of us are so tired bc we've been trying to compensate for these empty spaces our whole lives. But we have no choice but to keep trying.

It's not just the past we're upset by. It's the stuff that was missing and the stuff that's still missing.

-JLK

If someone says something and I suddenly feel clenched and upset and disconnected, I try to remember to ask myself, "How much do these words really weigh?"

Then I take out the metaphorical scale in my mind and find out.

Whenever I do this, I'm often surprised that even though at first, the person's words seem so heavy and significant, on the scale, they hardly weigh a thing.

So before I start using my energy to invest in the dynamic with this person, I can ask myself, “Would my energy be better spent elsewhere, on something that is much more significant to me, and more aligned with my values and the difference I’d like to make with my time here?”

The answer is often yes.

-JLK

The most profound shift I think I've had as a parent is seeing my kid's behavior through my own eyes, instead of through the imagined gaze of all the authority figures from my past.

-JLK

To me, having access to resources that support our well-being and support us in reaching the full potential of our choosing is what makes a quality society.

When I think about my mother and all the gifts she had to give, and how frustrating it was for her that she couldn’t find an outlet to be a contribution, it breaks my heart.

People might blame her—some lack of grit.

But I prefer to think about it in terms of access.

She had no access to the world of well-being and opportunity. But she did have access to the many liquor stores that we have on nearly every corner in every neighborhood to help people cope with their broken hearts.

So there you go.

We get support from the easiest thing we can access.

Which is why, in my opinion, the purpose of our communities should be to serve the people living in them.

Replace half the liquor stores with community centers. Have brainstorming and encouraging sessions everyday at 2pm. Free mental health care. Free make-your-dreams-come-true care.

What an amazing society it would be if people’s worth was valued more than profits, or at least just as much.

-JLK

Have you ever stopped to think about all the conditions that had to be just right for you to exist?

I think this alone is a good enough reason to believe in yourself.

You’re here. You still have time.

Whatever it is that's calling to you, listen.

Don't let those tired old resigned messages be the stop signs that keep you from pursuing what inspires you.

-JLK

Never argue about the past with someone who journals. She'll look up what happened, pull out the time-stamped entry, and read you back what happened.

-JLK

If you grew up with constant harsh punishments, you may have grown up so focused on the eyes of others seeing you, that you missed the opportunity to develop seeing the world through your own eyes.

You may have grown so used to seeing yourself and your actions and consequences through the eyes of people who might criticize you, withhold love, dismiss, mock, shame or punish you, that it still keeps you hypervigilant and reluctant to share yourself by taking chances to be who you want to be in the world.

We can't control how others see us, but it is a relief to let go of the full-time job of modifying our own behavior to be some foolproof version of ourselves that we imagine might be better received.

Instead we can reposition our attention back inside our bodies and trust that who we are through our own perspective is someone to be proud of.

And we make a promise to ourselves that from now on, we are going to practice seeing ourselves through the lens of compassion, appreciation, wisdom and good humor.

It is possible to own the full-package of who we are, and be proud of what we’ve got to offer. No one needs to be perfect—just as authentic as we can be and willing to grow.

-JLK

Believing in yourself is always a good idea. Because that way you're always guaranteed to have at least one person who's rooting for you.

-JLK

Lens Sickness:

If you grew up around a lot of people who dominated your world with their perspectives, you probably learned to see through many lenses in order to function in their worlds—to either avoid their punishment or earn their love and approval.

But the consequence of growing up like this, is that your own perspective likely got lost. And when you’ve lost your own perspective, it gets very difficult to know which lens is the ‘right’ lens to see through.

People in this predicament may slideshow through every lens that’s been forced upon them, and feel confused about which one is the accurate picture of reality.

And this confused and exhausting feeling, is what I call Lens Sickness.

People in this predicament become so attuned to other people’s perspectives in order to survive being around them, that they may even come to the conclusion that these people actually have a point.

But even if they do have a point, their point is not necessarily for you.

That’s the thing to learn. Everyone has a valid point for who they currently are in their ongoing journey through life, but not everyone has a perspective that includes more points than just their own.

And to me, this is what separates people who are healing from people who are out there battling with their blindspots and causing collateral damage by trying to dominate everyone around them bc they’re still trying to survive a childhood where they felt constantly dismissed and invalidated.

To heal from Lens Sickness, a person needs to find a lens that allows them to see a clear picture of what’s happening, with themselves included in that picture. And in my opinion, finding the right lens can only be found through developing one’s own perspective.

It took me awhile to realize that I actually have a self that’s mine that I developed, that experiences and understands life like no one else.

I had thought this self of mine was a sign of arrogance, that it was meant to be kept secret. And I assumed it wasn’t welcome in the world bc no one ever invited me to share it, and if I did, I was immediately mocked or proven wrong.

I had to figure out on my own that being alive is the invitation to share myself. That my perspective through my own lens matters.

To me, it’s so important to find and create spaces for our perspectives to be shared and received. Maybe it’s through writing or teaching or art or community service, or through genuine conversations with our kids or even with people we’ve just met.

Whatever medium a person chooses, what’s most important is that we get used to representing our perspectives out loud.

Instead of enduring the discomfort that comes from allowing another person’s point to dominate our own, or turning into one of those blindspotted individuals that tear up spaces, demanding to be heard and listened to, we can practice representing ourselves peacefully, as an invitation for others to understand us better.

And one way we can share our perspectives peacefully is by first welcoming other perspectives. By validating what’s currently so for the other person without feeling squashed by what they’ve got to say, thanking them for sharing, and then by

sharing where we’re coming from—not as a rebuttal, but as an opportunity to represent who we are and where we’ve come from.

We don’t need to go back to those old spaces from our youth to practice being heard in order to get those people’s agreement either.

The only validation we need is our own.

The weight of yourself in your own body, walking on your own path, and sharing what’s so for you on that path is, to me, how to heal from Lens Sickness. And it’s how to create a place in this world where you can be known for who you truly are.

-JLK

I can remember feeling so hurt when a parent would treat a stranger better than they treated me. Chapter two of that story was coming to terms with how I treated most everyone better than I treated myself. We deserve to be treated well—by our loved ones and also by ourselves.

-JLK

My late father-in-law used to swim at Howard Beach in Queens, New York. Back then, the beach was really gross and sometimes there’d be these little chunks of shit floating around.

But because he wanted to swim, he had to figure out how to knock it out of his way so he could get to where he wanted to go.

Kind of disgusting.

However, it makes for a good reframe.

At least it does for me.

Because when my kid is feeling threatened and he’s trying to regain his autonomy by spewing a bunch of shit at me, I can now imagine I’m at Howard Beach and I can just scoot that shit off to the side.

That way, his behavior won’t get in the way of my seeing the amazing kid underneath it, and I can keep on supporting him, as we head into the future together, one step at a time.

-JLK

When a person sees life through a fixed lens, they tend to be certain that what they’re seeing is not only what's true for them, but what's true for everyone.

Or at least, what *should* be true for everyone.

Maybe you know someone like this.

Maybe you’ve attempted to share what you see through your lens to a person with a fixed lens, and you were not able to get through.

That’s bc fixed lenses are pretty fixed.

The problem with seeing life through a fixed lens, is that it offers a very limited scope of reality.

Someone with a fixed lens may imagine that they are exceedingly intelligent and open-minded and even good, but what they aren't seeing is that they are intelligent and open-minded and good through their fixed lens.

Through another lens, they might be seen accurately as exceedingly simple-minded, power hungry and corrupt.

The truth is—reality is comprised of a multitude of valid lenses.

And to get as clear of a picture of reality as possible, it’s necessary to acknowledge the multiple valid lenses of others along with our own.

And this is accomplished by connecting with people who are different than we are and learning from their lived experience, gaining a greater understanding of who they are, and ultimately caring about issues that support their well-being.

From what I’ve noticed, a fixed lens is anchored in survival—it's a control strategy that some people use to make their worlds feel more manageable.

But when people who have a fixed-lens mentality wind up in leadership positions where they wield the most power and control, they become dangerous.

Because people with fixed lenses who hold leadership positions believe it’s their right, and their job to control the narrative at large so that it matches their fixed-lens view.

And they believe that by controlling the narrative, they’ll be fixing the world.

They see themselves as heroes.

And if anyone speaks up to offer a different reality through a different lens, these fixed-lens people will feel threatened, bc they’ll believe their reality is being attacked, and they will label these people who see differently as villains.

When people with fixed lenses are in charge, peace and prosperity are rewarded to those who subscribe to their fixed-lens agendas.

All the resources they can access are then syphoned directly into what serves their fixed-lens agendas.

And the people who don’t subscribe to their fixed-lens agendas get treated as enemies, and they, along with their needs and their perspectives and good ideas, get ignored, discarded, mocked, or worse.

People with fixed lenses are people who lead with their unhealed parts.

How could they not?

After all, they are uncomfortable in any space unless they have designed those spaces to be free of anyone who might criticize them.

They run on making sure their needs get met, saving face when the means to these ends are discovered to be corrupt, and the rest of their energy goes to seeking revenge for all those who’ve attempted to hold them accountable.

They surround themselves with the agreement of loyalists who reassure them hourly that what they stand for is indeed noble and just. And in return, these loyalists are allotted some of the resources instead of the retribution.

People with fixed lenses are authoritarian in nature. How could they be anything but when they discard any other vision but their own?

And though they may avoid admitting it, fixed-lens people despise democracy, bc democracy is never starring one person or one fixed lens. Democracy requires a flexible lens.

Democracy is literally all about giving a voice to every lens. And figuring out all together how to collaborate and cooperate to make this world work better for everyone.

Every day, we’re constantly being asked to see through other people’s lenses.

And those who see through a fixed lens are intimated by this.

They want others to see through their fixed lenses. The more agreement, the more power and control.

So they invest much of their efforts, not to help people, but to control the lens that people see through.

When people with fixed lenses broadcast their fixed-lens agenda, they make sure to speak to the unhealed, fear-based parts of people, bc these are the parts of people that are the most vulnerable and therefore the most willing to accept a new way of seeing the world that might seemingly benefit them.

But what these people tend not to realize is that these fixed-lens agendas were never created to support them.

The agendas of people with fixed lenses exist first and foremost to support themselves, and the only reason they reach out to enroll other people into supporting their fixed-lens agendas is so that their fixed lenses stay in power.

“If you don’t see through my lens you’ll be deluded. You’ll be a sucker,” they’ll say. “Good people see through my lens. Strong people. Successful people. Even god sees through my lens! Not those poor saps over there! Look what ‘they’ve’ done to our country! Look what ‘they’ve’ done to you! Look what ‘they’re’ gonna do to your children! It’s time to take back what’s yours!”

Whichever way the people with the fixed lenses can access other people’s insecurity and offer security.

But for peace to exist, lenses have to be flexible, especially the lenses of people in leadership positions, in order to understand and support the needs of all people.

The most valuable picture of reality will always be the one that values all people, no matter their differences—bc all people have the same right as everyone else to be heard and understood, to live with peace and dignity and safety, to access resources and opportunities to reach their full potential and access quality support whenever they don’t.

One of the best things about this country is that it’s for the people, not for the fixed lenses of those who fear those who are different than themselves.

Not for those who are fueled by their own blindspots, out there compensating for feelings of unworthiness by usurping power and demanding unearned respect simply bc they are too insecure and uncomfortable to understand a picture of reality unless they’re front and center.

I see more and more people taking off their fixed lenses in favor or a more expansive picture of what’s real.

And my hope is that more people will follow instead of being further bullied and suckered into subscribing to these fixed-lens people and their fixed-lens agendas.

My hope is that we the people can join forces and take the country back from these myopic-minded people in power, these entitled billionaires who have lived so far removed from the lived experience of the majority of people, they can’t even do a good job pretending that they care about anyone’s best interests other than their own.

-JLK

Please don't get attached to how you feel today. Because if you're feeling as awful as awful can be, but tomorrow you wake up filled with hope, you might second guess the hope and feel like you owe your loyalties to yesterday's feelings.

We really are like the weather. Something new always blowing in for reasons we may never thoroughly understand.

So let yourself feel the hope that blew in. Or the inspiration. Or the love. Whatever it is might just be the ingredient you need, not only because you deserve peace, but to help you solve or soothe whatever problems are currently on your plate.

-JLK

When you begin to cut yourself free from the constraints of your past, it may take a little getting used to. You may even feel like you're a no one. But really, you're just finally in a position to recreate yourself on your own terms, get up, and take yourself where you want to go.

-JLK

I think it's important to celebrate every victory, no matter how tiny, because every time we notice and appreciate a victory, we practice paying attention to what's already working, instead of only noticing what's not.

-JLK

Clench and Release:

When you hook something from your sea of associations that fills you with panic and dread, and you're clenching your whole body just to tolerate whatever it is, please don't reel it in.

Instead, unhook whatever it is and send it back to live amongst all those other things you've accumulated that no longer serve who you currently are.

Be deliberate on those shores of your internal waters. Only hook the stuff that nourishes your well-being and encourages you to solve your problems creatively and with compassion for yourself.

Not everything we've internalized is good for us. We contain treasures as well as a lot of other less-mindful people's litter.

-JLK

Healing is not fixing.

To me, healing is slowly and gently removing my blindspots to see what my life looks and feels like without them.

My blindspots are how I see myself and my life in survival mode. The tunnel vision that shows me where l'm unsafe and how to cope as quickly as possible, to regain a sense of safety within myself.

Healing is not getting rid of that coping, bc sometimes I still don't feel safe. Healing is soothing the wounds that made this kind of coping necessary.

Healing is going to the bedsides of our wounds that were shamed instead of soothed and applying the ointment of listening, empathy, compassion and understanding.

Healing is the awareness of what life feels like wounded and what life feels like healed, along with the understanding that if you’re living in this world, you’re going to get hurt.

That’s just what happens in this crazy place, with everyone on their own path, either surviving or thriving all at the same time, with limited resources. Of course there’s going to be a lot of chaos and collision, within ourselves and in relation to each other.

So healing, to me, is keeping our inner urgent care clinics open 24/7. And being the kind of healing practitioner that listens to the wounded parts of ourselves and makes the effort to collaborate with these parts of ourselves until we find healing solutions that ease our pain.

To those who are healing, you are doing such important work. You’re role modeling for everyone around you that you matter, which also plants the seeds that they matter too.

And when people are healing together, and are able to access this truth together—that we matter and our experience here matters—new spaces get created. Spaces where feeling safe with each other becomes possible.

-JLK

When people refuse to consider that their behavior has hurt others, and they double down to defend themselves, it doesn't convince me that they're right. It convinces me that they're incapable of seeing a perspective beyond their own, and unwilling to feel pain that's not theirs.

-JLK

Coming back home to our bodies after neglecting ourselves can feel like coming home to an abandoned place.

It can feel uncomfortable, awkward, even scary. It can feel like our bodies don’t want us there. And maybe we don’t want to be there, either. Especially if our bodies have become storage spaces for too many unresolved upsets and too much pain, shame and discomfort.

It makes sense that we’d want to avoid this relationship and pursue relationships outside of ourselves that feel better, whether it’s a relationship with another person or a relationship to some substance.

But when we leave our bodies and disconnect from the relationship with ourselves, it can leave us feeling like we’re homeless—like we don’t have a refuge in our bodies.

And so we float in orbit, keeping ourselves busy with whatever coping mechanisms we have access to, but never feel as settled as we’d like.

When we take the time to connect with ourselves, we begin to trust ourselves—trust that we’ll be here to offer ourselves the compassion, listening and understanding we’ve been longing for, even when things get tough.

Until connecting with ourselves becomes our preferred way to feel settled.

-JLK

People talk a lot about a moral compass.

But to me it's not about direction, it's about context.

It's not about the compass, it's about compassion.

Compassion in all directions.

-JLK

I remember one night, I was in such a bad space.

Each negative thought was a ladder deeper down into this pit, where I couldn’t see anything of value about myself to be proud of.

In that space I dwelled on all the painful things that had happened and all the stupid things I said and did, and felt like I should just stay hidden inside myself instead of taking up any more space out there in the world.

And at some point, I heard this kind voice, a voice I often hear deep inside myself that comforts me when I’ve lost the ability to comfort myself.

And the voice said, "My dear, would you like to know the most warped thing I’ve ever seen?”

And I said, “What.”

And the voice said, "The image you have of your own self. You’re allowed to feel down. But please, don't forget to separate your circumstances from the incredible living, breathing being that you are."

And those words elevated me. And I carry them with me now.

So if you’re feeling bad about yourself, please remember, the image of yourself that you’re imagining is you, is not at all a clear picture of what’s real.

What’s real is that who you are, is an incredible living breathing being, full of gifts to share.

-JLK

There are people who have been indoctrinated into dehumanizing rhetoric, saying they are ok with certain people being shipped away without due process, without having access to the law, bc they’re criminals.

But the truth is, no one has any idea who these people are without the effort to investigate and understand their context, which is another word for due process.

Disappearing people off the streets is not ok. Bc in a democracy, everyone is equal before the law.

I cannot imagine having a loved one taken out of my life, presumed guilty, and sent to a place where returning is not an option.

What if these people are innocent?

What if they are good parents who will never get to see their kids? Loving partners who will never get to see the love of their life? Hard workers who contribute to their communities?

What if circumstances were different and it was me or you over there instead of them? I would hope so much that someone would care enough to do something.

To me, this brazen disrespect for humanity and for the law is, to me, what we should be threatened and afraid of most.

If any of our leadership is ok with this, what else are they ok with?

For myself, I stand for the opposite of this.

And to me, the opposite of dehumanizing others is the willingness to learn about others through connecting with them, instead of through what’s been said about them.

The opposite of dehumanizing others is caring for each other despite our differences.

The opposite of dehumanizing others is recognizing that really, this earth is big enough and has enough resources for everyone to have peace and freedom and prosperity, if only those people in power were willing to embrace a perspective that exceeds their own interests and stop pitting the rest of us against each other so that they can hoard all the wealth while we’re busy fighting.

-JLK

Affirmations aren’t always positive. They can be observations that we repeat over time:

I’m so alone.

Nothing ever works out for me.

I’m a magnet for unhealed, blindspotted people.

I don’t know if I even like myself anymore.

And though our observations may feel valid in the moment, when we keep affirming these things, we may keep finding evidence that these things are the only things that are true for us.

Shifting our affirmations so they’re aligned with what we would like to see and feel can be a powerful thing:

I’m part of this world. I belong here.

Things are beginning to work out for me.

Since I’ve stopped tolerating behavior that is toxic to me, I notice I’ve been crossing paths with people who are compassionate and enjoy communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand.

I’ve been muscling through so long—today, I will give myself permission to slow down and value myself just as I am.

The reason I’m making mistakes is bc I don’t have enough support. Today, I will take some time to look for new ways to find the kind of support that will make a real difference.

Shifting affirmations is not magic. It’s adapting to a new perspective. It’s trying out noticing new things and then making some different kinds of choices that are aligned with this new perspective and seeing what different kinds of results begin to show up.

If you’re feeling stuck with disempowering affirmations, you’re not alone. I’m working on shifting this too.

-JLK

Growing up, my mother never let me be angry. And I understood why. She grew up with such a mean, harsh mother, she needed me to be happy and easy to be around. And I obliged as best as I could. I wanted her love and learned to be a perfect accessory—I glittered and sparkled and shined. 

But underneath all the right things I learned to say were my feelings. Including my angry feelings. But because I knew my anger wasn’t wanted, it came out secretly, through hurting myself and coping destructively.

It took decades to understand that anger isn’t a bad word. That my angry feelings just needed to be felt and understood. That anger has good things to share, like what feels ok and what doesn’t.

It took decades to realize I don’t need to keep my anger a secret bc I fear it’s an inconvenience to others.

This doesn’t mean I need to fire off my anger like a bomb, it means I can communicate-to-be-understood in a way that lets myself be heard and known.

And now that I have a child of my own, I try so hard to remember to pause when he’s angry before reacting impulsively, because I know I’m wired to try to fix his anger.

And when I do remember to pause and access my current self, I tell my son that his feelings are important to feel, even the difficult ones. That they have important messages to share. And that if he would like to share what his anger feels like, I’m here to listen.

And when I forget to pause and I react—as if yet another person is taking over the emotional landscape and I will not allow it anymore—I try not to wallow in guilt too long.

And as soon as I can access my current self, I go to my son and re-pair, the way I always hoped the adults from my childhood would have repaired with me.

-JLK

When overwhelm rises up in your body, do you feel helpless? Uncomfortable? Like you want to escape your body? Cope destructively?

For myself, I’m learning that this subtle, private, but all encompassing feeling of overwhelm is sometimes the experience of a younger part of myself.

It shows up as soon as something upsetting or unexpected happens. Something I’m afraid I’m not ready for. And the feeling sweeps me away into near panic.

When I pay attention to this helplessness, though, I sometimes realize it’s actually her helplessness, that younger version of myself, from when she had literally no place to go when upsetting things happened. When she was all alone, terrified, let down, with lots of needs and no idea how to meet them.

More and more, I’m learning I can make the leap from the past to present time.

And I can do this by noticing that feeling of overwhelm, instead of only feeling it. And I can ask, “Whose overwhelm is this?”

Just by noticing, I suddenly see things through a different perspective. I notice the overwhelm and my anxiety about it, but from the perspective of my current self.

And from this place, I can begin to soothe that younger person’s overwhelm and anxiety.

By doing this, I’m meeting the needs of that younger version of myself who is still inside my body, terrified, even after all these years, by showing up as the person I’ve become.

It takes some getting used to, to reparent ourselves, or whatever name you want to call it. It’s a very different feeling from waiting to be picked up and no one showing up, versus showing up and picking up myself.

It requires me to remember one important fact: I have skills now. I have experience. I am not helpless. I am unabandonable. I am un-neglect-able. My body is a punishment-free and shame-free zone. And I have what it takes to meet my needs, problem-solve and survive.

Whenever I remember this, I begin to feel the weight of myself inside of myself, grounding me.

Instead of fleeing my body and orbiting out in no-man’s land, calling out helplessly for someone, anyone or anything to give me substance, I remember that I’m in here, in my body, and that my presence is my substance.

And I can come up with a plan to problem-solve by getting support and by being in action in a way that serves what’s most meaningful to me.

The overwhelm may return, again and again, but I can keep noticing it, returning to present time, soothing myself from this space inside of myself, and by making one small choice at a time in the direction of where I’d like to go.

-JLK

I remember once calling 911 bc I could no longer handle my mother’s mental health crisis.

She was having a psychotic episode and I was afraid she was dying and I had no one else to call.

What happened next was a group of police officers, 10 or 12 of them in 5 or 6 vehicles, showed up all at once with an order to secure a dangerous woman (even though on the 911 call, I assured them that she was not dangerous.)

Not a single social worker accompanied them.

The police officers got out of their vehicles telling jokes, and headed up the stairs altogether, to bombard my frail, paranoid, very upset, intoxicated mother.

One of the officers slid the deadbolt so the door wouldn’t close all the way and another kept his hand on his holster.

Not once was there any effort made to create a safe space for my mother.

Not once did I witness an attempt by any of the officers to offer empathy or words of encouragement, to let my mother know she was safe and in trusted hands.

Basically, they made everything worse by standing over her in an intimidating and menacing manner until the ambulance arrived. At which point, she was taken to the hospital where she received yet more drugs to keep her sedated before they deposited her back out onto the street to start the process all over again.

And my story obviously has a much happier ending than so many others bc of her demographic.

It’s not only upsetting, it’s barbaric when people in law enforcement lack the training for not only how to de-escalate but how to care for someone experiencing a mental health crisis.

And to me, the most important part of the training they’re lacking is: compassion in action, for everyone, no matter their complexion, if they’re housed or not, mentally or physically disabled, in the midst of a mental health crisis, or all the above.

When I hear of yet another family trying to care for their loved one in crisis that ends with untrained officers shooting to kill, it is not only tragic, it’s infuriating. Yet another consequence of dehumanization. Of people who have been hired to serve the community but yet have no access to understand and care for those in the community whose appearance, behavior and needs are different.

When people whose jobs are to protect and serve the community see through the lens of dehumanization, they do not protect and serve, they instead become a danger to people. And that is not ok.

In my opinion, there needs to be a new standard for de-escalation training. And to me, every 911 call that has a behavioral health component should be accompanied by a social worker trained in all areas of mental health. And people in crisis and their families should be given respect and compassion and a safe space to de-escalate.

Can you imagine yourself or a loved one having a mental health crisis, knowing you could call 911 and that a trained, compassionate team of police officers and social workers would show up to help, really help, no matter your race or class or gender or neurology?

And then connect you to resources so that you could get whatever support you and your family needed to problem-solve so that life could improve?

That sounds like a system that would make a world of difference, not only for individuals but for society at large.

The question is: Why isn’t this already happening? Why don’t more people care? And why would so many people rather hold onto their prejudiced thinking, believing that some matter less than others? It’s disgraceful. And shameful.

Until the day that police reform is an authentic reality, I learned from experience that in a mental health crisis, calling 911 is a risk. A huge risk that could further compromise people’s mental health and even cost people their lives. Especially people in marginalized communities who continue to suffer the consequences of racism, discriminatory laws and systemic biases.

My heart goes out to Victor Perez and his family.

I think one of the biggest consequences of feeling like we don’t matter is that we hold ourselves back from intervening and making a difference—we belittle what we’ve got to contribute and then leave a gaping hole that could have been filled with all of what we have to offer.

So many of us have been taught to listen to what we’re told. We’ve been trained to believe that other people’s ideas matter more.

And bc we were never invited to be co-creators in the world, we figured we weren’t welcome. And we stayed back.

But the voices that so often step up to fill those voids are the people born with entitlement, with the belief that their ideas are the greatest, even when they clearly are not. At least not for anyone but themselves.

Sometimes I wonder if what we’re witnessing is the grand repercussions of authoritarian thinking that has ruled so many of our homes and our schools and workplaces.

This smacking the knuckles of “defiance,” generation after generation, to keep people in line instead of instilling in people the courage to steer that line to new places.

Well if you ask me, the invitation to contribute was extended to all of us on the day we were born.

So I say, if we’re feeling inspired to share something from our perspective, especially something that expands beyond our personal interests and includes the interests of others, we should get our voices and our ideas out there right away.

There are millions of empty spaces in our communities—in real life and online—that are waiting for substance. That are waiting to be filled with ideas that will carry us forward with hope and freedom instead of backwards with dread.

And I believe that every time someone finds the courage to share their brilliance and their sense of fairness, their goodness, their creativity, their vision for a better world, their boldness and their authentic voice—the world immediately becomes a better place.

-JLK

Sleep deprived and amusing myself on this Friday night…

My timeline of feelings:

First I kept all my feelings secret.

Then I told a few wrong people and bc of their reactions, I decided to continue keeping my feelings to myself.

Then I went to therapy and practiced getting my feelings out and began sharing them much more easily.

But then I started noticing myself whispering my feelings out loud, even some that might have been better to keep to myself.

And now, especially if I haven’t had enough sleep, I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from telling some people to f off.

-JLK

If you find it difficult to follow through with things that are important to you, maybe it’s because when you were younger, your caretakers didn’t follow through on things that were important to you.

Your younger self might not have been in any position to understand your parents’ unhealed past wounds or their unmet needs, but your younger self absolutely felt the disappointment and hurt when they didn’t take the time to love you with their healed parts and meet your needs.

Some people say, “Get over your past.” But that’s where the foundation of our sense of self was built.

If your needs weren’t considered important back then, it makes sense to me that you’d continue dismissing them yourself because you learned what neglect was like, not how to value yourself enough to realize that you’re actually worth being nurtured and actually worth the investment of your own love and attention.

One way to practice valuing yourself, is by giving yourself little gifts of kindness throughout the day—little efforts to care for yourself instead of neglecting yourself, even when it’s hard.

You will start to notice that someone was actually there for you. And that someone will have been you.

-JLK

A lot of people say, “Trust that inner voice.”

But if you were raised by multiple people, especially multiple toxic people—maybe step parents, half siblings, temporary caretakers, whoever—you may have acquired multiple inner voices to help you cope with all these different kinds of people. And all these inner voices can be loud, contradictory and confusing!

If this is your experience, maybe it’s not so much about trusting your inner voice, bc *everything* you hear may feel wrong, wrong, wrong…

And I’m not sure the answer is to figure out which voice is yours, either.

Maybe instead, it’s about developing your current voice.

By deliberately sitting down with yourself or with a trusted listener, and figuring out what’s most important to you right now.

And then developing a voice that’s aligned with what’s most important to you right now.

Sometimes I think of this voice as my inner elected official, that represents the values and ideas that are most important to me, values I can anchor to and consult with when the chaos of life feels like it’s sweeping me away.

So that when I’m really triggered by someone’s behavior, or my own, I can consult this inner voice I’m developing rather than allowing one of those contradictory voices I’ve internalized to tell me I ought to just suck it up and deal with the feeling of being stuck and unexpressed, or cope destructively, or lash out later when another voice fills me with resentment.

The inner voice I'm developing might not always “feel” like the right voice, but I see it as more of a commitment I’ve made to represent my most healed perspective and ideas and to use my skills to communicate-to-be-understood. To keep me aligned with creating what’s possible instead of succumbing to what those other voices might try to convince me is insurmountable.

This doesn’t mean my voice won’t grow as I collect more experiences and widen my perspective, because part of what’s important to me is to stay flexible.

And it doesn’t mean I need to try and get rid of all those other voices and perspectives. They’ll probably still be there, and that’s fine. I can accept that they’re there and understand why they’re there, and also give myself a break when I forget about my current voice, because that’s also important to me—to see through the lens of understanding and compassion.

Affirmation:

Today, I will make a choice that’s aligned with something that’s meaningful to me instead of making choices based on what I imagine might earn some stamp of approval from others.

And if all I do today is give myself kindness instead of shame, that’s more than enough. In fact, it’s huge. Bc that’s how we shift the space—from being one that we want to escape, to being one that nurtures us and offers us peace.

-JLK

The reason I think it’s so important to build bridges of understanding with people who have completely different lived experiences than ourselves is so that we can really get to understand, on an experiential level, that all people’s lives are precious, that all people’s life stories, if we had the time and awareness to see them from a higher perspective, would read like scripture.

When we don’t create bridges of understanding, when we judge people from our own bubbles, dehumanization begins.

Whether the bubble is obscenely wealthy people getting agreement from each other that they should be entitled to yet more than they’ve already got even while so many brilliant people have nothing and are unable to contribute their brilliance bc they’re too busy surviving.

Or when ableists get together and agree with each other that the disabled should just try harder and stop demanding that life for everyone else should change just bc of them.

Or when m*sogynists get together and convince themselves that they’d better take charge before it’s too late and the women come in with all their ideas and make them feel inferior.

Or when r*cists get together and agree on ideas that are so flawed and abhorrent but decide unanimously that they need to do whatever’s necessary to defend their manufactured position as the “best” and then create policies to keep anyone else from contributing or interfering.

Or when tra**phobic people who have zero trans friends but sit together and agree that trans people aren’t real and that whenever they say they are, they’re dangerous.

Or the bubble of governments that sit in their comfortable castles and play games with geography and treat citizens as mere collateral damage while they drop bombs, bc in their bubble they have decided that dominating is the only way to secure their control, even when the people who live in these places would much rather learn about each other and learn the skills to repair, communicate, validate, share and collaborate.

And yet, I don’t think we’d be in this position if it weren’t for our education system that demands compliance.

Bc what happens when kids aren’t being educated about each other? I’m not talking about in textbooks, but in the classroom? What happens when we’re not taught to tolerate our differences and certainly not taught to learn about each other and celebrate each other and problem-solve while still caring for each other?

What happens when we’re not taught to communicate to be understood or to listen to understand or create bridges that merge our contexts?

What happens when we’re only taught the “right” answer or the “wrong” answer and are either rewarded or punished for remembering which is which?

When test scores are the main focus but bullying and those being bullied are ignored bc that’s not part of the curriculum, bc peace has nothing to do with success?

Well, I think we’re seeing what happens.

We’re seeing so many people without enough resources to realize their potential.

So many people without mental health care who are just barely getting by.

So many people who feel ignored and unwelcome at the table.

So many wars in households bc people were taught algebra instead of the skills to communicate and validate, and the skills to have difficult conversations that result with deeper awareness and understanding instead of with violence.

So many people are scared for the future bc the future is being created by these people in bubbles who were elected by other people in bubbles who then justify together the dehumanization of people who aren’t in their bubbles, imagining that’s what’s keeping them safe.

And then enter the rest of the people, who’ve been training their whole lives to be compliant, who have been taught to respect authority no matter what, to just do what they’re told, but who were never taught about the importance of creating values that honor one’s own self and who were never taught to then extend those values outward to honor the selves of others.

And then these people get hired to implement the tiny ideas of the people in bubbles and they join the team to force the rest of the world to comply.

There’s got to be a way to expand perspectives so that the perspectives of everyone belong. There’s got to be a way to bring peace and sanity off the back burner and into action.

To get these people who are so stuck in their bubbles out of leadership positions. These people who are literally blind to the impact that their self-interests have on so many.

These people who lack common decency unless it’s directed toward themselves, and who disrespect the law unless the law works for them.

These people who have talked themselves into believing that their personal views are global views, who have dressed up their tiny perspectives to look so stately, so that they might appear important enough to be respected and implemented by the rest of the world.

But you can tell the difference between someone who understands a larger perspective and someone who tries to shrink the whole damn world to fit into their teeny tiny one.

These people lack good humor, good ideas, compassion, creativity, empathy and they are not inspiring at all, except to other bubbled people who find it edgy to laugh at the expense of those they’re afraid of.

They don’t lead with gentleness, only with a strong arm. They don’t lead with wisdom, only threats. They don’t lead for everyone, only for those in their bubbles.

Their faces look hardened and unhealthy, their eyes gleam with malice and calculation and self-righteousness. They lunge instead of stand tall.

And yes, some people mistake this look for power. But it is not. It’s the fear of having no power, the fear of being left out and discarded, the fear of being wrong. The fear that their ideas might pale in comparison to other, more expansive ideas.

And deeper still, it’s a look of anxiety, of what might happen if they lose control and have to deal with the consequences of refusing to care about anything or anyone outside of their bubble.

Thank goodness there are so many people who are not giving up. Exhausted, burned out, and heartbroken they may be, they are still determined to stand for a world where everyone gets the same access to freedom.

My hope is that more and more people will continue breaking out of whatever bubbles we’ve subscribed to and that we make the effort to build bridges of understanding with each other, to create connections that thrive on the best that each of us has to offer and begin to care about each other enough to want to support each other’s potential.

And I hope that together, we can create a society where the main goal is to provide the resources and opportunities that all people deserve: universal basic income, free education, and free healthcare.

Really, if you think about, anything less is simply subscribing to the policies of people in bubbles who are much more interested in hoarding these resources all for themselves.

-JLK

Some women will bleed themselves out and give it all to whoever asks just to avoid being called selfish, just bc growing up, they tried to get their needs met and some grown-up shamed them, probably bc they were also taught that meeting their own needs was selfish. Be clear—There is nothing selfish about meeting your needs. You deserve to thrive. If you aren’t going to meet your needs, who will?

-JLK

For every toxic thing someone does to you, please replace it with one kind thing you do for yourself.

Maybe it's talking it out with someone you trust, writing a poem, going for a walk...

Anything that prevents what doesn't feel right to you from settling down into the treasure chest that is your body.

-JLK

We carry so much…

So many people have had their perspective and feelings dismissed and belittled, that they now walk around battling for their very dignity, which they still always feel is being questioned.

The feeling of needing to fight-to-be-heard is so ingrained, it’s like a lens they wear.

Even when they enter their own homes as adults, with the family they’ve chosen, they’re still ready to defend themselves from attacks, without realizing they may have just alienated the only people who might have been happy to see them.

It’s a tangled up mess, with the weight of one person’s blind spots becoming other people's burden.

One of the hardest things for a triggered person to do, is see another way to look at the situation, by considering other people's feelings.

To them, doing so may feel like they now have to consider that the unfair people from their childhood might have had a point. Which isn’t the case at all.

But because of the secret traumas they carry from being repeatedly dismissed and gaslit, and in some cases repeatedly abused, they don’t have the skills to be able to recognize that they’re no longer in those old toxic situations.

And because of secret traumas they carry, they don’t have the skills to be able to distinguish a daily conflict from a war.

They may not realize that as adults we are safe inside ourselves now. That we can actually consider another person’s point without making it mean that our own point is invalid.

But the sad truth is, if we don’t recognize that we’re not in a war, but we behave like we are, we actually create a war in our home. And then we say to ourselves, “See? There is war here. That’s why I battle.”

We need to teach ourselves how to get out of war-mode and learn to create bridges instead. Bridges to connect our perspectives to understand each other better.

To let go of right/wrong and offense/defense for the sake of creating the kinds of connections that make life softer and easier, instead of stressful.

So that we aren’t always causing the people around us to have to work so hard to avoid our dangerous edges.

From what I've noticed, the only way out of protection mode, is reflection mode.

To practice being in the present moment, by first reflecting our own feelings, whatever they are, and by asking ourselves if these feelings are reactions to what is happening right now, or a reaction to something unresolved that occurred long ago. And then validating and soothing our wounds with our own compassion.

I believe it’s possible to be the kind of person for ourselves and for our loved ones that we so desperately longed for as kids, whenever we can take the time to understand ourselves and each other and to validate ourselves and each other and to appreciate ourselves and each other.

-JLK

My teen is not my target audience.

This was my mantra earlier today after I shared what I thought was an incredible story with my son, a story full of wit and wisdom, and he cut me off mid-amazing-sentence to say, “Stop mama. Please, go.” 

The experience reminded me of this mirror I once bought. I had needed a long bathroom mirror and found one at some cheap store for less than 20$.

After I hung it up, I stepped in front of it and took a look at myself in the cheap plastic surface and had to laugh bc it was as if I had purchased one of those fun house mirrors—I looked completely distorted and weird.

And I thought to myself, “I’m going to call this mirror ‘The Humbler.’” Bc it’s the kind of mirror that reminds a person not to get caught up in reflections, not to rely on how others may or may not perceive us, but to remind us to focus inward on who we are and what’s most meaningful to us and to find security in that.

So when I’m speaking to my teen, and I see myself in his reflection as someone distorted and weird, instead of taking that experience personally, I’m going to chuckle and remind myself of “The Humbler.” And I’m going to remember that it’s not my son’s job to reflect who I am on the inside. It’s my job to focus inward on who I am and what’s most meaningful to me and to find security in that.

-JLK

Knowing that whatever I water is what will grow helps me remember to focus on watering the seeds I want to see grow, instead of the ones I would never want to see in my garden.

This means that I refrain from watering the seeds of shame, because I know those seeds will blossom into a shame garden.

And this means I refrain from watering the seeds of “I’m not worthy,” because I know those seeds will grow into a garden that would never reflect the wonder of who I am.

And this also means refraining from watering toxic people, expecting that they will one day blossom in my garden, because I know that other people are responsible for their own growth and I’m responsible for mine.

With practice, I can learn to trust myself and be a reliable gardener.

-JLK

The thing is, they might never change. But you can change. And the change can begin with how you respond to their behavior. Your response is the step that can take you to either a new place or to the same old place.

The reason change is so hard is bc it takes a Herculean effort to pause and lift yourself out of your default reaction and then respond in a way that reflects who you choose to be, not who you have always needed to be to cope and survive.

Be easy on yourself. Offer yourself compassion, patience and encouragement as you begin to use your time and energy to water the seeds of what you really want to see grow, instead of wasting it on those things that really aren’t in any position to grow.

Your efforts will be the best gift you’ve ever given to yourself.

-JLK

I remember once visiting my mother in a behavior health unit where she’d been committed against her will.

She was pissed, begging me to get her the hell out of there.

Meanwhile, another patient, a quadriplegic man, had rolled over to introduce himself and say hi. He was a gentle soul with a soft smile.

I remember my mother asked him why the hell he seemed so happy and calm. And he explained that even though he was in that wheel chair in that behavioral health rec room, he felt content in the current moment he was in and wanted to share his peace.

My mother rolled her eyes and said, “Well, I’m sorry we can’t all be saints.”

And he said something like, “You sound so cynical, Eliza.”

My mother didn’t like this at all. She could be rather hotheaded, as people can be when they’ve been fucked over enough times. And she said to him, rather fiercely, “Oh, you should walk a mile in my shoes!”

And the man smiled and said so calmly, “I can’t.”

And my mother muttered, “You’re damn right you can’t.”

And the man smiled again so calmly and pointed to his legs. “No, Eliza, I really can’t.”

At that moment, my mother suddenly broke out of her own context to see the man’s context, and she had no choice but to smile. And then she started laughing. Not at his expense. Just at the misunderstanding of so many things at the same time. And then, we all started laughing.

We had a beautiful conversation after that—me, my mother, that man, and a few others.

We connected together through authentic sharing that lifted us above our faults and our heartache and our troubles, at least temporarily, and instilled within us some hope that maybe people really can be there for each other, and maybe we really can offer each other some compassion and support, as long as we’re willing to allow each other’s contexts to merge with our own.

I realized that day that no one can walk a mile in anyone’s shoes. But what we can do is remember that the most painful miles we’ve walked in our own shoes feel just as painful for each of us.

And maybe one way to create little pockets of relief is to recognize the pain in others and try to make things a little easier by offering a little grace. Who knows, they might even offer some back.

-JLK

Since I have some new followers of this page, I thought I’d post a little about myself.

I’m a writer and an illustrator, but I started writing and drawing to process the chaos around me.

I really believe I owe my life to writing. Otherwise, my voice would have gotten buried under the many toxic voices I grew up around.

I didn’t see a lot of love or healthy relationships growing up, but I’ve learned a lot about the unhealed parts of people and the collateral damage that unhealed toxic behavior can cause.

I grew up with a paranoid mother who heard voices in her head. She was brilliant with a heart of gold but could never catch a break and definitely never received the kind of quality support that might have made a difference.

She inadvertently taught me not only how inadequate the mental health care system is in this country, but how important it is to take inventory of our inner voices—to figure out where these voices originated from and to make sure we develop our current voice based on what’s most meaningful to us so that we can use our current voice to speak to our unhealed parts with compassion and understanding and grace.

I have one son who is unschooled. I took him out of school bc he refused to be there (that sentence makes it sound oh so much simpler than it was) and that set off an unexpected journey of looking into my own expectations and where they originated from.

This was also the first time I realized I could create new values based on who I am and who my son is, instead of who we’ve been told we should be.

Practicing acceptance is so damn hard for me. I mess up all the time. And I try to share my victories and also my blunders, bc if I hide them, I’m succumbing to the narrative of shame. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough shame. So my practice is to have my body be a punishment-free zone.

If there were a side that I’d choose to join, it would always be the side of the wounded, the marginalized, the people who haven’t yet gotten a break or their fair shot, the people who need a hand up after falling through the cracks of a society that lacks the resources to support people’s potential and healing.

But more than sides, I believe in depths and distances.

Depths to examine our own blindspots and constraints so that we can choose who we want to be based on what’s most meaningful to us.

And distances so we can travel outside of ourselves and expand who we are by learning from and connecting with others who have had different lived experiences than our own.

I believe that empathy and diversity of every kind is the only path towards peace and progress and I have learned from experience that those who say otherwise view people as a means or an obstacle to their own end.

I am not a fan of debating, but I am a subscriber to communicating. My hope with this page has always been to create a space where people feel safe to communicate-to-be-understood and also a space where people feel willing to listen-to-understand.

I have met and connected with so many precious people on this page. I still suffer from bouts of debilitating panic and depression and cptsd, and many times, it’s been people on this page who have filled my heart with their love and wisdom and reminded me of why life is beautiful. So thank you to all who have connected with me here and welcome to those who are new.

Life is hard. So many of us are suffering. So many people have been discarded and left to fall through the cracks of systems that don’t invest in people’s well-being or their potential.

If this is you, I hope that this page can serve as a reminder that who you are is beyond your circumstances. Who you are is a living breathing miracle with brilliant gifts to share. Who you are is someone worthy of support and patience and love and kindness and abundance.

Much love,

JLK

Unhealed people don’t make great leaders bc they have a talent for bringing out the unhealed parts of others.

Unhealed people don’t make great leaders bc what they’ll always be fighting for underneath their agendas is their need to be right and to get the agreement of as many people as possible.

Unhealed people don’t make great leaders bc although their voices might sound confident, what they’re most confident about is believing that whoever isn’t on their side is their enemy.

Yes, we all have unhealed parts. But not all of us lead with them.

It’s the healed parts of people that make great leaders bc they bring out the healed parts in other people.

It’s the healed parts of people that make great leaders bc it’s their healed parts that understand that not only do they matter, but everyone else matters too, no matter if they agree with what they stand for or not.

And it’s the healed parts of people that are flexible enough to build bridges of understanding between their own ideas and the ideas of other people so that they can meet in the middle and discover solutions that work best for everyone.

It’s important to have great leaders who lead from the healed parts of themselves, bc only the healed parts of ourselves are creative enough to build a future that doesn’t look like a replica of the past.

-JLK

Over time, I learned to build myself up after falling apart. It’s a job I took on because I had no one else who was willing or available to do this job for me.

It used to be that I’d melt down, and because I had no one to build me back up, I’d stay in meltdown mode and wait for someone to build me up.

And when no one came, I still stayed in meltdown mode, except that I tried extra hard to seem like someone better than I figured I was, hoping maybe then I’d be worth someone’s love and attention.

But still, no one volunteered for the job to build me back up.

It gets tiring to muscle through life in secret meltdown mode. And tiring to be with the shame of imagining I’m not worthy of anyone’s time.

And at some point I just couldn’t muscle through anymore.

All the stuff I was doing to my body when I clenched up so tight, afraid of letting anything out, was leading to all sorts of health problems—panic attacks, vertigo, tinnitus.

And I wound up melting down completely.

Which turned out not to be such a bad thing.

Because when you land deep enough inside yourself, you get to hear that voice within. That built-in voice of love and wisdom that’s always got something important to share.

And mine said: “You’ve got what it takes to build yourself back up. Stop waiting for someone else to do this job. This job is yours. Build yourself up the way you want to be. It’s your choice.”

So that’s what I started to do. Instead of doubting myself, I tried myself out. Gave myself a chance to be who I wanted to be: The person I knew myself to be, that wanted so badly to share and connect with others.

And I began to realize, that what had been missing was not only other people being there for me—it was me being there for myself.

So now every time I melt down, I try to remember the choice I have to build myself up.

It might take some time. But I try to be patient with myself by reminding myself what’s important to me—communicating-to-be-understood, connecting based on what’s real instead of hiding and pretending, creating something new instead of settling on what’s already here, healing instead of dismissing...

And I build myself up by choosing an action—any one thing that represents what’s important to me. Like writing this.

Not only for myself, but because now I have someone else to care for in addition to myself. I have my son.

And if I dismiss my vulnerability, then I more than likely won’t be able to be there for him when he’s melting down.

I’ll just give him the same impression that I once received from all those people who I wished had been there for me—that his feelings are no big deal, that I don’t have time for them, that they’re just a big inconvenience, and that he should just muscle through his meltdown like I always did and get back to being part of the world whether he’s ready to or not.

But I know what happens when we dismiss meltdowns. At least I know what happened to me.

When we dismiss our upsets, we dismiss the best of what we’ve got that comes from being with our upsets and understanding them: our compassion, our grace, our perspective, and our greatest ideas.

So when my son is melting down, I sit with him like I’ve learned to sit with myself. Or I sit near him, if he needs space.

And then I build him back up, knowing who he is—his gifts and his perspective—knowing that what I’m saying to him will probably become the thoughts he has about himself.

And we think of an action to take—something that he can do, some good idea he has that will give him a sense of who he is, and a sense of who he can be in the world to represent his favorite parts of himself.

So if you’re melting down today, or stuck deep in that pit of no possibility, remember to look around.

Try to figure out how you got there. Try to figure out how much of your sadness is the result of waiting for unavailable people to come build you back up. And then, build yourself back up, by reminding yourself what’s important to you.

And then think of an action to take—whether it’s big or tiny doesn’t matter, so long as it’s something that represents one of your favorite parts of yourself.

It’s worth a try. You might wind up experiencing what it feels like to be inspired by yourself.

And once you’re back in the world, make sure to share what you accomplished with the people you care for in your life.

And if you don’t have any of those people, well, now you’ve got something really meaningful to share when you cross paths with someone new.

—JLK

Please don’t get mad at yourself if you fear you’ve “overshared.” It often stems from a natural desire to be authentic—to share to connect and to be understood.

In a world that pays millions to cover up any blemish, it’s being willing to find beauty in sharing what’s so.

Sometimes, people won’t seem to know what to do with what you’ve shared. Maybe they’ll skip right over it. Or think you’re trying to get attention. And this might leave you feeling ashamed, like you need to save face. Or obsess for an hour about how you should have kept your mouth closed.

But to me, I say go towards that younger version of yourself, the part of yourself that sees nothing wrong with sharing, who shares simply for the sake of sharing.

And maybe give this part of yourself some compassion, and be proud that you took a chance to represent yourself as you are, instead of choosing to hide.

-JLK

It’s so easy to get blown off course by a mere look, comment, or tone.

By someone not seeing the sacred parts of ourselves, when we were so sure they were there.

My whole life, I was the little leaf that was blown and then left alone. My stability—determined by outside forces.

I didn’t realize instead of living as the leaf, I could live as the tree.

I didn’t realize that my values could be the weight to keep me grounded.

And with flexibility, I could see obstacles

as opportunities for new ways to grow.

-JLK

When you hear voices in your head that aren't yours, voices telling you who you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to do and how you’re not living up—instead of listening, pause, and remember that these voices aren't speaking to you personally.

What you're picking up are just the sound waves from that old radio station that's been broadcasting for eons, Station WSTB, Supposed To Be Radio, where the voices of who you're supposed to be share their opinions all. day. long.

But guess what? You don't have to tune in.

You can make your own sound waves by broadcasting your own voice, by sharing what's meaningful to you as the person you've chosen to be—based on your own set of values that you acquired through your own lived experience.

You won't be a guest on that old station. You'll be creating a new station. And the people who are in a position to listen will tune in. And they’ll be glad they did.

-JLK

Isn’t it crazy how all the just-getting-by people are always figuring out how to continue just-getting-by, but the wealthiest people who hoard everything always have to meddle in and further ruin things just so they can hoard even more?

Isn’t it crazy when people place value in what they have instead of in who they are that’s not dependent on what they have?

And isn’t it crazy when these people who hoard-while-others-go-hungry talk themselves into believing that they have god’s blessing for doing so? As if their hoarding is a civil service?

And lastly, isn’t it the craziest thing of all when some of the just-getting-by people, who can’t even meet their own needs, also agree that these meddling hoarders have god’s blessing, that their hoarding is indeed a civil service?

This thread of no-logic keeps stitching the fabric of our lives together in ways that leave us bare and vulnerable and fighting amongst each other for these hoarders’ remnants.

Maybe it’s time that we-the-people abandon the hoarders and their tricky ways of getting people to turn against each other so that we turn instead towards supporting their entitlement and greed.

Maybe it’s time we start figuring out how to tolerate, understand, and better take care of each other, despite our differences, before these hoarders leave us with nothing and then congratulate us for our service.

-JLK

When I experienced shame as a younger person, I not only boxed up my shame, I boxed up that part of myself. By healing our relationship with past shame, we heal those parts of ourselves that are still hiding. We grant them the space to contribute all the wonderful things they have to offer.

-JLK

I was trying to talk with my son about flexibility, and he wasn't listening. And I got so frustrated, trying to get through to him. It took me a few minutes before l started laughing with myself, realizing how rigid I had become, trying to force my son to understand the concept of flexibility!

And the insight that came to me:

Whenever I get too rigid, I break easily.

But whenever I can catch myself and find awareness in the moment, I discover nuance and flexibility, and it becomes much easier to bend and find my way back to connection.

-JLK

One form of activism I’m trying to practice is to make sure that there are no authoritarian regimes operating in my mind.

And I can find out by asking: Have I been bullying myself into being compliant? Am I willing to get into my own context in order to understand where I’m coming from and give myself grace and support while problem-solving to meet my needs?

Next, I can check in with how I’m parenting my son: Am I using authoritarian strategies to control outcomes at the expense of my son’s autonomy? Am I making the effort to get into his world to understand where he’s coming from and giving him grace and support while he’s learning to problem-solve and mindfully meet his own needs?

More and more, I believe politics begins in our minds and expands outward from there.

And I believe some of the most important work we can do is to make sure we replace the authoritarian regimes running in our minds and in our homes and in our work places and in our communities with democratic spaces where bridges of understanding can be built through listening and connecting and collaborating to make things work better for everyone.

We can practice creating the kind of leadership we want in our immediate vicinities and watch our environments shift.

To the point where the people around us become so used to communicating-to-be-understood, listening-to-understand and solving our problems together with everyone’s needs taken into account, that if a dictator were to enter the room, their behavior would seem so bizarre, they’d look like they were auditioning for the circus.

-JLK

One reason I began to ease up on the demands I placed on my son was not only because of how stressful it was as a kid when so many demands were placed on me, but because when I examined the voice I was using to dish out all those demands, it wasn’t entirely my voice.

It was my father’s voice, my aunt’s voice, my stepmothers’ voices—all the conditioning I had absorbed that tried to convince me what was necessary to have a life that was normal, proper, successful and safe from judgment.

But when I listened to my own voice, all I wanted was to understand what was important to my son, to connect with him as he is, and guide him through grace, love, acceptance and flexibility.

And to then extend this compassion to myself and to that younger version of myself who never had the opportunity to be heard or understood or accepted for who she truly was.

-JLK

I've learned to be selective of what I internalize. Because I've realized that my body is a garden and everything that I plant inside begins to grow with the attention I give it.

-JLK

Reminder to myself…

Criticism can crush inspiration and block our natural inclination to try out new things.

So if you grew up with constant criticism, your life may have become centered on ways to avoid it.

Maybe you wait to do nearly everything until you’re by yourself or you wait until you feel ready to do whatever it is “perfectly enough” so that there’s no room for criticism.

But the sad thing about this is that you may never feel ready enough to do anything “perfectly.”

And by wasting so much time waiting to be ready, you may miss out on the truth: that there really isn’t any such thing as perfection.

That the richness of life often occurs by just winging it—by trying stuff out and exploring that natural instinct we have to invent and create and manifest.

Other people will always have their opinions. But they’ll be seeing through their lens, not yours. When you’re willing to trust your own lens, you can allow what’s beautiful to you to emerge.

-JLK

There are people who have been indoctrinated into dehumanizing rhetoric, saying they are ok with certain people being shipped away without due process, without having access to the law, bc they’re criminals.

But the truth is, no one has any idea who these people are without the effort to investigate and understand their context, which is another word for due process.

Disappearing people off the streets is not ok. Bc in a democracy, everyone is equal before the law.

I cannot imagine having a loved one taken out of my life, presumed guilty, and sent to a place where returning is not an option.

What if these people are innocent?

What if they are good parents who will never get to see their kids? Loving partners who will never get to see the love of their life?

What if circumstances were different and it was me over there instead of them? I would hope so much that someone would care enough to do something.

To me, this brazen disrespect for humanity and for the law is what people should be threatened and afraid of most.

If any of our leadership is ok with this, what else are they ok with?

For myself, I stand for the opposite of this.

And to me, the opposite of dehumanizing others is the willingness to learn about others through connecting with them, instead of through what’s been said about them.

The opposite of dehumanizing others is caring for each other despite our differences. And realizing that this earth is big enough and has enough resources for all of us to have peace and freedom and prosperity, if only those people in power would open up their clenched fists and stop pitting us against each other so they can hoard it all while we’re busy fighting.

-JLK

A mini-story, based on a conversation I had with someone in my life…

It’s still not easy for me to have difficult conversations. Growing up, if it wasn’t about Derek Jeter, Elvis or Jesus, my mother didn’t wanna hear about it. That’s how my family kept the peace. But I learned that you can’t have a deep connection with your wife if you stop her mid-upset and say something like, “Hey, if it’s not about Derek Jeter, Elvis or Jesus I don’t wanna hear it.” You gotta have difficult conversations sometimes. Not just with your wife, but with the other people in your life. And the more I have these conversations, the more I realize that other people’s thoughts and feelings aren’t trying to dismiss mine or insinuate that there’s something wrong with me. They’re just letting me know what’s meaningful to them. And I can do the same. And we can listen to each other and learn about each other, even if we’re not carbon copies of each other. And sometimes, we actually wind up caring more about each other. And I’d much rather be part of a community that actually cares about each other and has each other’s back, then a place where we’re all so high up on our soap boxes we can’t even be reached.

Sometimes my mind feels like that drawer in my kitchen that’s so stuffed with so many things it can’t even open. I know there’s the perfect tool in there that would make my life easier, but I can’t access it.

It’s hard to remember in those moments to pause. But when I do remember to pause and then breathe, all the stuff settles down a bit so I can open that drawer in my mind and see what’s there.

I have a lot of tools, but the tool that’s always easiest for me to access is noticing. Noticing the overwhelm and noticing things settling down. Giving myself a bit of encouragement. And then choosing one thing I’d like to do, and figuring out if I have access to any other tools that will make doing it easier.

If you feel like sharing, how do you access ways to support yourself when you’re feeling frazzled?

What tools have been helping you make daily tasks easier?

-JLK

Our selves keep accumulating over time and we remain connected to everyone we've ever been.

Which means if one younger self has an unresolved upset, all parts of ourselves will feel the weight of carrying it.

But this also means that if we go back as our current self and resolve that old upset with our current understanding and compassion, all parts of ourselves will feel the relief and develop a greater awareness of what we're made of and what's important to us.

And this is one way to create a healthy inner community.

-JLK

When I’m having a difficult time with my kid, I try to remember to ask myself:

Do I want a demand-avoidant kid who feels loved and accepted, or do I want a demand-avoidant kid who feels criticized constantly?

I also like to keep in mind that a demand-avoidant kid who feels constantly criticized is still the same demand-avoidant kid.

Criticism is not going to be the magic elixir that gets him excited and motivated to do more, even if that criticism is dressed up as encouragement or opportunity.

In fact, he might feel more reluctant and anxious, bc he’ll be internalizing my worry that something is wrong here and he’ll just want to self-soothe to remove himself from the stressful gaze of my perceived disapproval.

So, how can I support myself so that I can better support my kid?

Well for starters, instead of shaming myself, I can look into where my ideas of normalcy originated from and ask myself: Are these really my goals, is this really my vision for what I want for myself and my son?

Or are these the goals I internalized from the people I grew up with, who were determined to “get me” to be who they thought I was supposed to be, instead of creating a space where I was free to be who I really was.

As parents of demand-avoidant kids, I think we need so much healing.

Not only bc of the stress that comes from the isolation of caring for a demand-avoidant kid, or even from the lack of support structures, but bc the lifestyle is so opposite from what those people from our pasts insisted life is supposed to look like and be like—and this can bring up a lot of fear and anxiety. And a ton of shame.

It takes a lot of awareness and pausing and effort to take off those lenses that were handed to us by those critical people we grew up with, and it takes a lot of courage to put on new lenses that see ourselves and who we’ve become with the kind of understanding and compassion and appreciation and admiration we never received.

Through these new lenses, it gets easier to see clearly that we deserve to create a life for ourselves based on who we are, not who we were taught we should be.

It’s important work.

Bc if we still don’t believe we deserve these things, if we’re still running that same old criticism-based program on ourselves, how can we expect to run a different, acceptance-based program for our kids so that they feel invited to be in the world just as they already are?

We can let go of those old supposed to be’s and cultivate rich, meaningful beautiful moments out of accepting what’s happening right now and build from there.

No, it won’t look the way it’s supposed to be. It’ll look like something new.

And if you ask me, this world could use people who are trying out new lifestyles—that actually work to support people as they really are.

Sending love.

-JLK

I’ve always known about the golden rule. But it never really occurred to me how I want to be treated. So I’ve been spending time trying to find out how to treat myself the way I want to be treated.

Some things I’ve been doing to care for myself:

Take my supplements. (I’ve never found meds that work for me, but I seriously need about 20 supplements a day to feel able to live.)

I talk with myself every night about how the day went—sharing any victories, sharing any upsets, sharing the times I felt like telling people to fuck off. (Driving home earlier, in my mind I told a beautiful snow filled rock on the side of the road to fuck off. I have no idea why lol but I was tired and maybe resented its peacefulness.)

Validating the times I felt upset, validating the times I felt proud. Being proud of the times I practiced self-acceptance instead of chomping down on shame. Being proud of the times I accepted my son instead of privately noticing things that are wrong.

It means a lot to my morning self when my night time self does the dishes so I try to do that. And I’m always so much happier when I take the time to moisturize my face and use my body brush instead of neglecting myself.

I’ve also been practicing a new affirmation: let life happen. Which helps me remember not to always press the brakes on everything, and instead, do my best to stay on the direction that I’m passionate about, do the things I need to do to stay on that path, and let life happen.

I like to send prayers to people who come up in my mind—send them love and thoughts of renewed health. Have a pep talk with my deceased mother. And give myself a hug in bed instead of clenching my fists. (I realized I always have my fists clenched lol. I have little nail scars on my palms. Weird.)

So wherever you are right now, I’m sending love to you and hoping you are remembering how lovable you are and how worthy you are of being treated exactly the way you want to be treated.

-JLK

Being a mother sometimes looks like your kid having a really long, difficult day and you giving everything you've got to be your best self the whole time, and finally, after kid is calm, he looks into your eyes and says,”Wow, Mama. You look so old! You should really start taking better care of yourself."

-JLK

On the 9th anniversary of my mother’s passing, thought to share this piece…

My son used to ask me to call my mother on my heart-phone so he could talk with her. I do a pretty good imitation of my mother and try to imagine what she’d say. Sometimes it really does feel like I’m channeling her.

My son: Mama, I don’t like that Grand-Mère is dead. Can you call her on your heart-phone?

Me: Ok.

Me, channeling my son’s Grand-Mère: Hello, Darling. It’s your Grand-Mère here! I’m glad you asked for me. Because I have something I need to talk with you about. So I want you to listen to me very carefully. Can you do that?

My son: Mm-hmm.

My son’s Grand-Mère: Good. Now that I am your guardian angel, I happen to know a lot about you.

My son: Mm-hmm.

My son’s Grand-Mère: And I know you’re upset because a lot of people in your life have died.

My son: Mm-hmm.

My son’s Grand-Mère: And I have also noticed that a lot of times, as soon as you begin to enjoy things in your life, you stop, because you get scared that the people you love are one day going to be taken away. And so you get sad and you get involved with your screen instead of with things that are real.

My son: Mm-hmm.

My son’s Grand-Mère: Honey, I know you don’t like when people die. Not very many people do. But the worst thing you can do is be afraid to live.

My son: Ok.

My son’s Grand-Mère: I know it’s a lot to take in, that life doesn’t last forever. But the most important thing you can be sure about, is that you are alive right now. And it’s your job to celebrate that with the people who love you.

It’s your job to be nurtured by all the wonderful things life has to offer so that you get to grow and blossom.

We each have our time to blossom. But some of us are too scared to let it happen. Please don’t be scared, my sweet grandson. We’re all here in your heart rooting for you—me, along with all of your ancestors. (Even the ones I’m not particularly fond of.) But the more important point is that you only get to be you once. And I don’t want you wasting too much time being sad.

My son: Ok.

My son’s Grand-Mère: But if you do feel sad, you know what to do. You tell your mother to call me on her heart-phone. Remember, I’m always just a heart-phone call away.

My son: Ok. I love you Grand-Mère.

My son’s Grand-Mère: Oh honey. I love you too. So much.

-JLK

I saw a horrible comment. It said, “If you believed in god, then you wouldn’t be a…” (followed by a stream of insults based on a woman’s appearance.)

And it made me realize how to get a good sense of where someone is in their healing and even what awareness they have of past wounds—by asking them what kind of god they believe in.

I am realizing that for many, god is an authoritarian bully.

Is it an extension of what they experienced as kids when their parents or teachers taught them to comply and accept “discipline” in order to receive their good graces?

Does it stem from how disconnected the punishment was from what they knew in their hearts really happened, so they decided that their sacred perspective, born from their lived experience, must not really matter?

For many people, it’s not about the reason for the spanking, it’s about respecting the spanker. Complying with the bully’s expectations. And these people are the very people who make the slide into authoritarian regimes easy. Bc they see this kind of leader as godlike.

To me, god is more of a perspective. A perspective that can only be accessed above the ground floor of circumstances. Where we can see all of us down here doing our best to have some semblance of dignity and freedom and peace all at the same time, under conditions that are nearly impossible to do so for many.

It’s investing the effort to make things more fair for the people who are suffering.

It’s seeing the “being” underneath all our behavior and speaking to this being, so that this brilliant part of ourselves feels invited to show up and connect and make a difference.

Some people turn god into a literal ruler to measure and judge people, and they stubbornly refuse to learn about people's contexts and see them through a more heavenly perspective that would lift them up.

They use some old pages from an old book as evidence of why people aren’t measuring up while completely skipping over what’s actually happening right now in the pages of our lives.

To me, a god perspective has nothing to do with fear, it’s a safe space, either in our own hearts or in the hearts of others, to share what’s so for us and be accepted with compassion, understanding, validation and support.

It’s not about debate, it’s about authentically connecting and building bridges of understanding that expand our inner worlds instead of constricting them. Connections that make more room for seeing what we have in common instead of seeing each other as enemies.

So if you cross paths with someone like this, with someone who wants you to feel awful about who you are, please don’t let them take you down to their hell. Their hell is their unresolved wounds and their misunderstanding of where the hurt originated. They don’t even want to be in this hell. So please don’t join them there. Either invite them to a better place or move on.

-JLK

A mini story…

Sometimes when he scrolled past people living their best life, he would slam down an imaginary gavel of judgment. Unlike an oxygen mask that helps a person breathe, his judgment was like a dam to keep the regret from whooshing back up, like reflux from all the passions and ideas he held hostage in his depths. If only he knew that it wasn’t too late. That he could create camaraderie with what lit him up instead of what set it all on fire. That he would be welcome among the joyful and not missed at all by the hateful.

-JLK

Thinking Of My Mother’s Wardrobe Over The Years

(My mother passed unexpectedly March 28th, 2016. Can’t believe it’s been 9 years.

When I was little, I used to sit on the floor of the department store dressing room as my mother tried on outfit after outfit. To keep myself occupied, I’d search for treasures—things that others had dropped or discarded. I had quite an impressive collection of buttons and hem-holders.

When I was a little older and the divorce was final, there weren’t as many department store dressing rooms. We switched to the thrift shop inventory room which had a shower curtain for privacy and milk crates for me to sit on that gave me waffle prints on my rear end while I listened to my mother narrate every find: “This is to die for. Do you have any idea how much this would cost retail? Of course you don’t. You will one day, though. It will be in your inheritance.”

As I got older, my mother sold much of her designer clothing to pay for her many great start-overs across the country. During that period, her attire mostly came from Catholic Charities or Jewish Services. But even so, she would slide hangers along the racks and wink at me whenever she’d find some designer sample and we’d do our best to scrub off the words ‘sample’ printed on the back when we got home.

When my mother grew tired from all the start-overs, she gravitated to military-style clothing. She claimed she liked the pockets, but I kind of figured even if she didn’t realize it, the camouflage seemed appropriate for her life on the front lines of the world’s unwillingness to cooperate with her plans.

Then she finally passed, way too soon, due to complications of being completely misunderstood for so long.

I stood alone in a cloud of disbelief in her little apartment and heard her voice in my head, “Jessica. Do not even think of leaving here until you fill your bags.”

I knew what she was talking about. My inheritance. All the designer clothing she had saved for me, curated from every St. Vincent de Paul’s around the country.

I did fill up a bag. It sits on the basement stairs. I can’t really wear a single thing because they all still reek so much of ciggies. But I do take a whiff of them from time to time.

But lately, I’ve kind of developed a taste for army green t-shirts. I think I know now what she meant about the pockets.

-JLK

Dehumanizing any “kind of person” is such dangerous behavior, bc anyone who dehumanizes another assumes that the value of people is subjective. And when people in power believe that they have the authority to determine who has value and who doesn’t, they create a dangerous environment for everyone. Bc peace and freedom and justice can’t be possible for any of us while there’s people debating about who’s entitled to it. Bc who can say for certain which people will be devalued tomorrow? In a healthy civilized society, our shared humanity has to be the foundation on which everything else is built. Otherwise, society is built on indecency, and I can’t think of a weaker foundation.

-JLK

When we notice we’re on autopilot, to me, it’s an opportunity to appreciate that we’ve noticed our default ways of surviving unpleasant circumstances.

If you’ve found yourself on autopilot today,

you’re not alone. I find myself on autopilot multiple times a day.

So many of us are expanding our awareness and noticing more and more parts of ourselves that need support, compassion and understanding, instead of shame.

So many of us are making associations that connect our current autopilot reactions with the reactions we had to unpleasant things that happened in the past.

To me, our awareness invites healing and growth, which opens the space for more peace, fulfillment and authentic connections.

-JLK

Whenever I feel completely overwhelmed, I surrender everything until it’s just me and my breath. At least for a few minutes. Just until I feel a bit better.

Things I remember about my k-12 education:

In kindergarten, the teacher told us we were going to be playing an amazing game with a parachute. So we all went outside and everyone held onto a section of this giant shiny round piece of fabric. All the kids were being their normal smiling whining selves but my heart was beating out of its chest. Bc I was sure that we were going to count to three and we’d all start flying up into the air. I was so terrified. But then, after I calmed myself down, I figured if everyone was smiling, it was probably going to be safe. And then I started getting excited. Finally, it came time for the big countdown. 3 2 1... But instead of leaving the ground, the shiny fabric just ballooned up a few feet in the air and then the teacher called out a kid’s name to run under to the other side. And that was it. I couldn’t believe it. God, did I feel let down. And I learned that day, when a teacher tells you that something amazing is about to happen, it’s probably not going to be that amazing.

In fourth grade, they gave me a recorder. And unfortunately, they gave one to every other kid in the class. I hated that plastic tube. I hated the sound it made. And I especially hated the sound it made when those multiple tubes of plastic joined together. But I did get to be good friends with the nurse during recorder time. And she taught me a lot about kindness.

I needed glasses my whole life, but no one found out until 7th grade. And for the rest of that year, I learned so many new things: I learned about the shape of leaves on trees (I never knew there were separate leaves—I thought it was just bushy green!), the edges of clouds (I had no idea that monsters and other creatures hung out in those white fluffy things!), and I learned what beautiful marks a little tube of chalk can make when it’s dragged across a blackboard.

In 10th grade, I got kicked out of trigonometry class. For some reason, if I had a creative idea for myself and the teacher had an assignment for me, I always chose my creative idea. I had such loyalties to my ideas that I just knew in my heart that all teachers and all adults would see my point and allow it. And this was especially the case on this particular exam day in trigonometry class. The whole semester, I had been busy drawing. Something about her class really inspired me to draw. Boredom can be a muse that way. But bc I was so busy drawing, I had no idea what trigonometry even was. But on the day of that first exam, I had an idea. I was going to make a cartoon called the Anti-Trig—about a particular number who refused to participate in any equation. Oh, I was so proud. And I assumed that the teacher would be proud too. Instead I was asked to join her in the principal’s office where she explained she’d had enough of my interruptions, and thankfully I was allowed to drop the class. And the principal, a really nice guy, let me take an art class instead.

I didn’t graduate high school with my class and I was so glad. Bc nothing is more awkward to me than participating in group lines that have to go somewhere on cue and grab documents and shake hands in front of an audience. I’ve been known to have serious health problems just before such events take place bc I much prefer nurses’ offices to the malarkey of choreographed celebratory walking. But I was mailed a high school diploma. Hell if I know where the damn thing is.

And that, is what I remember today about my k-12 education. And also that Warren G Harding, the 29th president of the United States, famously once called for A Return To Normalcy. But I think I only remember that bc in my heart, even back then, I was also longing for my own return to normalcy. Come to think of it, I still am.

-JLK

If all I do today is give myself kindness instead of shame, that's more than enough. In fact, it's huge.

Bc that's how we shift the space—from being one that we want to escape, to being one that nurtures us and offers us peace.

-JLK

My doodle today…

These people who hoard riches are so far removed from what real wealth is that they aren’t even able to access it.

They look at people without riches and imagine that their lives mustn’t have any value.

They find the idea hilarious that one’s true wealth would exist within them—in their good ideas and what matters to them and their potential to make a difference.

So what happens when these people who are confused about what wealth is find themselves in positions to make choices for all people?

All people suffer.

Because all the resources that non-billionaires could be using to access their inner wealth are siphoned to increase the riches for the billionaires.

To me, society has one purpose: To meet the basic needs of all people so that all people have the time and energy to get to know their wealth—their value—and then contribute their value to each other and to society. This, to me, is progress.

Billionaires who hoard resources might dismiss this idea as brainless and even naive. And I’d say yeah, of course they would. Bc it’s the opposite of how they see the entire world.

Billionaires need “regular" people to serve their interests because when it comes down to it, I don’t believe they see “regular” people as having any other value.

They might talk themselves into believing they have a relationship with some higher power, but projecting their self-interests and their justifications into the heavens and imagining that some god is on their side is a dangerous delusion that will continue to damage the rest of us who deserve so much better.

To me, the enemy of the people is corporate greed and billionaires, along with all their disgraceful ways of dehumanizing the rest of us.

And I personally think it would be wise to get to know and appreciate each other as people and appreciate our differences and what we have in common and stop serving the worst among us.

-JLK

Sometimes I spend way too much time alone and really need therapy but once I’m in the session, I’m so happy to talk to someone that I forget all the stuff that's wrong… just until the call’s over.

It's interesting to me that one kind of person will share a beautiful poem from their deepest depths and be afraid what others will think of them and hope they're not being a burden, while another kind of person will destroy people's lives but could care less what anyone thinks and even feel convinced that they're doing the world a favor.

-JLK

So, you unschool?

Yup.

But what does your kid do? What does he learn?

Well, he pretty much follows his own interests and a lot of it takes place online… And it’s not that I “allow” it, but I have been learning to stay out of the way. So that he gets to learn how to set his own boundries. Which is difficult for me. But in doing so, I’ve noticed my son developing into his own person. Which has given me a lot of insight into the constraints I deal with that came from my not having the space to develop into my own person. Things aren’t perfect by any stretch. But I’ve noticed that my son has become the kid who other kids call when they’re depressed or when they don’t want to be alive anymore. So I’d say what my son knows how to do is be there and listen. And I’m really proud of who he is. Hearing him online, I know that a lot of kids are having hard times. And I’m glad they have an online space that’s safe for them to share themselves. And I’m glad I’ve become the kind of person who can appreciate that. As for learning, there are a lot of subjects that kids can learn about. But quite frankly, I’m glad that my son and his friends are developing themselves through listening and communicating. These seem like really important skills right now in the world. So I’d say unschooling has been a lot of letting go of what I’ve been told my son should be doing, and a lot of letting the space open to see what my son naturally gravitates towards.

-JLK

Some people need to see blood or black and blue to notice that there's enough pain to warrant support and kindness. But a lot of people are in the kind of pain that no one can see.

So if you're in pain today, this is a reminder that there is nothing shameful about your pain. And I'm sending you love, compassion, understanding, and a reminder that you matter. Your life is precious. And what you have to contribute is a gift.

-JLK

As a kid, I really wanted to be on Broadway. It was one of my dreams. I used to belt out show tunes for hours alone with my record player. But circumstances turned me into a writer.

I often felt like I was stuck backstage in a world of other people’s difficult circumstances and drama. And so I started to write about it.

Writing about circumstances helped me to process and make sense of what was going on. And doing so helped me to also notice how interesting and funny and heartbreaking and sometimes even beautiful our moments can be, regardless of the circumstances.

Funny enough, when I got older, I did wind up working on Broadway. And the funniest part—I worked backstage, as a special effects make-up artist.

And I wrote a lot about what I saw behind the scenes there, which to me, was always so much more interesting than the stuff everyone else saw on stage.

I sometimes wonder what my life would look like today if my circumstances had been different. But I also don’t think it matters so much.

Yes, there are difficulties and injustices and pain, but there’s also profound meaning and value and beauty whenever I’m in a position to notice, and profound connections to be made by sharing with others and learning about what life has been like for them.

-JLK

"I was only joking!"

No one wants to be the object of a joke, especially not in their home, especially kids who are still very much aware of their feelings and want to share them, not squash them. It’s important for kids to be able to tell a trusted parent that their feelings were hurt by something they did and have the parent want to repair immediately, instead of getting offended or worse, pretending it was a joke.

-JLK

In case anyone needs a reminder:

You do not have to win a battle with someone who creates war bc they don’t have the skills to create peace. You owe it to yourself to continue on your way and invest in the things that contribute to your peace. Let them invest in their own battle without your involvement.

-JLK

People’s voices matter so much…

It’s taken so long for spaces to open, spaces where people, all people, can safely and freely share their lived experience and what matters to them.

These spaces are so sacred and to keep them open I think we all need to keep using them. To flood these free spaces with our willingness to share whatever matters most to us and with our willingness to connect with whatever matters most to others.

Sure there will be haters. People who want to say, who the hell are you? Who cares what you think? followed by name-shaming. But in my experience, people who say these things are just reverberating what was once said to them long ago, when they wanted to share but were shamed into silence instead.

In fact, when I’ve had the spoons and someone has said these words to me and I’ve responded with, well ok, what’s most meaningful to you, then? they either go away or surprise me along with themselves.

People in power who want to control spaces and limit free expression so that it only consists of kowtowing to them, are people who have turned their wounds into platforms of retribution.

And when other wounded people get excited and join in the huge shut-people-up parade, it’s not only devoid of vibrancy and creativity, it’s dangerous.

However, like water, free-expression will inevitably flow. And any attempt to block the flow of free ideas and free self-expression will find that other avenues open easily and a deluge of free-expression will be the result.

I think it’s so important for everyone to celebrate the free flow of sharing individual experiences and ideas, even as wounded people in power use their resources to try and dam it all up.

And I think it’s also important keep our eyes on the mature people in leadership positions, the ones who pry open spaces and invite everyone to contribute. The ones who keep reminding us the value of freedom.

-JLK

I’ve never been a religious person but I’ve crossed paths with religious people of all sorts.

And there was one particular person who chose Catholicism as his path and he said something once that stayed with me. He said, to deliver our hearts into the world, we have to shift our focus from the pages of our holy books and into the pages of our lives.

That turning water into wine is much simpler than it sounds—it’s offering our presence and our hearts in situations where we’ve been withholding these things, and then witnessing the magic of these ingredients.

These ingredients make the wine.

People who shame others—for their life choices, their gender, their se*ual orientation, their neurology, how they dress, what they look like, where they’re from, what they believe in—they’re living in the pages of a book they didn’t even write and abandoning the people who exist in the pages of their lives.

People don’t need anyone to come shame them or fix them. What all people need is for others to join them in the pages of our moments together where we can learn from each other and ultimately care about each other.

People’s willingness to understand is the wine. People’s willingness to expand is the wine. People’s compassion is the wine. People’s seeing that in some larger context we are each other—that’s the wine.

-JLK

Thoughts of the day…

I’m sitting outside. It’s so damn wonderful. The air is warm and the sun is out. I saw a bird. Even though I live in a little house in the woods, I am hardly an outdoors person. I thought it was a female blue bird, but after I sent the screenshot to my husband he informed me it was a chickadee. Well it looked blue enough to me.

Looking around, I see I have my work cut out for me in terms of spring cleaning. We have all sorts of wildlife here, and now that the snow is finally melting, I can see the evidence of the time a few months ago that some creature or another went through the garbage that I didn’t walk out to the can in time, just before we had a big storm.

So now, our newly exposed lawn is littered with all these little round, white, rotted Brussels sprouts.

I can’t believe I’m divulging this lapse of proper living, but I’m only mentioning it bc it looks like some recession-style Easter egg hunt. And that made me chuckle. So I called my husband to share, only he really likes the idea. Hopefully he won’t like it enough to actually follow through with anything as revolting as that.

But we had a good laugh.

And good laughs are what keep me going. And that’s the truth.

And now, I think of one of the comments I read just before on my page. “People are so complicated,” she said. And yes. I agree. We are walking containers of all things complicated. And sometimes there’s no way in and sometimes there’s no way out. And sometimes people erupt like volcanoes and cause a lot of collateral damage.

But being out here in nature reminds me that there is something to be said for simple things, like birds and the sun, and the simple consequences of unmedicated adhd.

So I’m grateful for the good weather. I really needed it.

I hope wherever you are today, that you find something that gives you a little relief, even if it’s just a momentary tiny glimpse of something that makes you smile.

-JLK

Handling adversity…

Sometimes when I find myself being reactive, I look back on the adults I grew up with.

I can remember my mother, she had such big car anxiety. We’d be driving and I’d be in the middle of telling her a story and feeling so excited to have her attention and suddenly she’d say SHHHHH!!!!! so loudly, I wouldn’t be surprised if saliva sprayed all over the windshield. And I remember feeling so startled. But knew better than to make a peep as she listened so intently for any potential broken car noises. And then she’d get so upset: God DAMN it!!! We can’t AFFORD this!!!

Then there was my grandmother, who I once visited but she wouldn’t let me in the house bc I visited someone else before her. She was so hurt, that she literally wouldn’t open the door! I remember I stood outside begging her to forgive me. Until her husband finally came out and told me she needed space but that I could try again tomorrow.

And then there was my stepmother, who was always exploding at the slightest agitation, but for whatever reason, the moment that comes to mind is the time I tried cooking something and instead of saying anything kind she screamed and screamed bc I didn’t put the clip on the frozen peas correctly.

I don’t think I had much experience with people who were able to pause and process problems calmly with me. Most people I grew up around behaved as if everything was on fire. But I have tried creating a persona that resembles how I wish those people from my past behaved.

So when my car makes weird noises, before I go into catastrophe mode, I try to remember to share with my son what’s going on and include him. “Do you hear that?”

Or if I’m hurt that someone seemed to forget about me, I try to remember to pause first to see if the neglect is surfacing from my past or if I’m really feeling forgotten, and if so, I try to be brave and share my feelings instead of making a bigger mess by seeking retribution.

And when someone doesn’t put things away, I try to remember that I live in a house where everyone has adhd behavior and I try to find the humor when one of us forgets to close something and it spills all over the damn place.

It takes a lot of effort to respond calmly to adversity when I literally developed in environments where everyone was in a state of losing their minds all the time.

And it’s hard to soothe myself having grown up around people who had no idea how to soothe themselves or anyone else during difficult moments.

But with a bit of noticing and a bit of compassion, I find it gets a little easier to give myself a break and be the person I want to be—someone who values repairing things more than leaving things broken.

-JLK

It’s so important to do the work to heal our unresolved upsets so that we don’t wind up our kids with our own frustrations and heartache and send them off into the world. 

It’s such an unfair situation bc so many of us parents are lacking the support we need to heal our pasts. And we have these kids who are constantly asking us to meet their needs while our own unmet needs keep piling up.

But we have to do whatever we can not to turn our kids into containers for our resentment. They deserve better, just as we deserved better when we were their age.

My affirmation:

I look at my child and see myself at their age. I send them off into the world with my approval and my belief in who they are. Their being is who speak to, not their behavior.

I look at myself and I appreciate how much I’ve healed. I recognize that I still have needs that aren’t being met and I remind myself that I’m worth the effort to figure out how to get these needs met.

I believe in who I am underneath my behavior. And I do my best to make choices that are aligned with the healed parts of myself.

—JLK

My mother was so judgmental in her early days. Looking back, I can see that this was due to shame.

Her own mother had constantly berated her: “How could you be my daughter!” “Look at your hair!” “Look at your teeth!” “You will never amount to anything, the way you are!”

To survive, my mother decided to be unmessable-with. To her, this meant she would look and sound impeccable, and make sure to only associate with other impeccable people.

After all, a person is judged by the company they keep.

So, my mother made herself into this perfectly flawless person, always dressed up and made up.

Only, she wound up spending a lot of time alone because no one was ever good enough for her. But, this worked out fine, because being alone was the only time she could finally relax and be herself.

My mother found herself in quite the pickle: She couldn’t be herself in the world the way she wanted, and yet, it was too exhausting to be in the world pretending to be someone else.

And in this predicament, she suffered terribly.

My mother really could have used some quality support. But support wasn’t easy to find and she didn’t have enough energy to spend her time looking for it.

Besides, she probably figured that if she was the type who needed support, it was because her mother was right—that she was a flawed, unspectacular human being.

So, she disassociated and continued trying to make a place for her “impeccable” self in the world, and self-medicated at home to decompress, and to try to be comfortable with who she really was.

But over time, this took a toll. And gradually, she began to fall through the cracks, and couldn’t find a way to climb out.

After becoming destitute and unemployed, and even homeless a couple times, my mother slowly began to meet other people down there, people who’d also fallen through the cracks.

At first she judged them, because she knew she was different—she wasn’t really a homeless person or a destitute person or an alcoholic. What she really was, was a phenomenal person who simply couldn’t figure out how to thrive in a world that never seemed to have any opportunities for her.

But in time, my mother began to discover something she had in common with these other people: They weren’t really homeless or destitute or unemployed either.

They too were brilliant people in their own right, who wound up where they were because they also couldn’t find a place in the world that appreciated who they really were. People who wanted to do good, but couldn’t find a way to be a contribution.

I remember one time, when my mother moved into my one-bedroom apartment. She was smoking ciggies out on the stoop one afternoon, having a grand ole time yucking it up with some of the people who lived in the building.

And I was so annoyed.

After all, my whole life, she had judged every single one of my friendships and every single person I was ever involved with because according to her, no one was ever good enough for me either.

And there she was, talking and laughing freely, while I was so closed-up inside myself, trying to appear impeccable in my own way.

And I muttered to my mother, “I thought you said these weren’t your kind of people.”

And my mother snapped her head around and said to me with such honesty that it hit me right in my heart: “Well, I was wrong. These are very much my kind of people.”

And that’s when I knew my mother had carved a new kind of path for herself.

It didn’t look like a path you’d celebrate. No one was going to invite her to give any commencement speeches. But you know what, they should have.

Because what my mother found out was that

the value of people isn’t found in what they do in life or how they appear in life or how much they own—it’s how they handle their adversity, it’s the insights they discover, the associations they make that gives life more clarity, and how willing they are to understand people instead of objectify or dehumanize them, and it’s in the authentic connections they forge based on who they really are, instead of who they figured they ought to be.

My mother became more of herself—not just in her apartment—but out in the world. And she was meeting people who were glad to see her.

She was no saint. She still had her judgments. But they were coming from a different place—because she knew now that these people mattered, no matter how much they’d been damaged by the world. And she knew that she also mattered.

This world is so stuck on seeing people through some obituary perspective, some well-oiled constructed vision of what a person’s life looks like according to others.

But to me, the real treasures happen in the heart of the moment. When we’re present enough to discover something new, again and again, and to keep expanding our ideas of who we are and who others are, until one day, we look back, and realize that who we’ve become is a container of all these glorious instances. And that we, ourselves, are a work of art.

-JLK

Reminder to myself…

It can be challenging to stay grounded when other people hook us. When they say and do things that seem to threaten the very core of who we know ourselves to be.

When this happens, I think it’s important to remember that other people are not the authorities on who we are and who we're not.

Perhaps in the past, we were forced to accept other people’s definitions of us. And perhaps we were punished for being who they mistakenly thought we were.

But as adults, we can stand grounded in ourselves and in our values, even in the presence of someone confidently misunderstanding us. And instead of defending ourselves, we can calmly choose to communicate-to-be-understood, or, if it’s not worth our energy, we can calmly excuse ourselves and continue on our way.

-JLK

Sometimes burning bridges is necessary, if what crosses over them compromises the nontoxic environments you're working so hard to build.

-JLK

A conversation with my mother’s spirit:

My Mother: Live your life while you have it, Jess. Because it’s true what they say - it’ll be over before you know it. Trust me. Your only job is to leave your truth and beauty wherever you go, even if it’s just across your fucking house. Wherever you are matters. I hope you believe me. It is neither a sign of humility or good character to doubt yourself – it is a sign that you’re afraid of being humiliated by all those other selves in nothing but the same exact predicament as you. You don’t have time to cancel out the best parts of yourself. Your job is to give your attention to what truly matters to you, and you are the only one who gets to say what that is. Do you hear me?

Me: Yes. Thank you.

My Mother: You are welcome. Now close your fucking computer and go take a shower.

-JLK

Sometimes I think that authoritarian-style people are simply people who haven’t yet found the incentive to heal.

But in my experience, when people move past old

authoritarian conditioning and reactivity, and into spaces that allow for authentic connection and awareness and real caring... they often recognize that the power and control they felt they had wasn’t really empowering in the way they thought it was.

Instead, they realize that those old ways of relating to others grew from a complete lack of experience with the kind of relationships that are built when we’re willing to let go of power and control and share ourselves authentically and allow others to share authentically with us.

(I made this illustration for adults, as a reminder of the part of ourselves that for many of us has been buried so long, that part that is still aching to connect rather than protect. That part that our children are longing for.

The illustration has nothing to do with insinuating that children should heal their parents, it’s simply to symbolize the part of ourselves that our kids would love to connect with, or even the part of ourselves that our partners would love to connect with—the part that some of us buried long ago, in an attempt to protect ourselves.

It’s part of my book, Once Upon an Upset, an illustrated collection of stories, insights and reflections to help parent our children while reparenting ourselves.)

-JLK

Why are people so afraid of admitting mistakes?

Maybe bc they've been shamed all their lives for making them and even punished for making them.

What a missing! We could have Mistake Support Centers in every town where people could go and get validation and encouragement and support to help them process what happened, figure out what unmet needs they were trying to meet and ways to meet those needs so they can advance towards a future of their choosing rather than backwards towards those same circumstances they'd rather never return to.

When people are afraid to admit mistakes, it prevents them from growing, and in some cases, causes people to turn their mistakes into badges of honors just to try and save face.

-JLK

A lot of us keep our problems to ourselves bc we’ve learned from experience that other people’s well-meaning intentions to “fix” our problems don’t actually fix anything. In fact, they just break us a little bit more.

It’s challenging to find the kind of support that really feels like support.

If this is you, maybe it’ll help just a little bit to know you’re not alone.

-JLK

My son asked, “Why would all these grown-ups just do as they’re told even if they know it’s wrong?”

Made me think about the difference between people who were raised to comply with expectations no matter what, and people who were born refusing to do anything unless it feels right to them.

Someone once told me: “People might be frustrated by all these demand-avoidant kids, but I’m telling you, the world will need them!”

I think she was right.

If you became hypervigilant to look out for all the details of life that might pose a threat, you’ve honed a skill—the skill of noticing—which can also be used to notice other things: the poetry of a moment, whether someone feels scared or sad and needs a few encouraging words, the way growth sometimes blossoms in unexpected places.

Hypervigilance can be great for protection. But we can use these same skills for connection—by paying attention to all the other things that are also going on around us.

-JLK

The idea that having empathy is somehow “less evolved” brings up concerning questions.

Questions like: Who deserves empathy and who doesn’t? Who matters more and who matters less?

To me, we either all matter equally, or it becomes up to certain people to decide who matters more and who matters less.

And this assumes that there are some people who have the authority to decide the answers to these questions.

And who among us has this authority?

Who among us is worth enough to determine the worth of others?

Should worth be determined by the wealth in someone’s bank account?

Is this type of wealth greater than the wealth in someone’s heart or mind or soul?

Or is genius a way to measure someone’s worth?

And if so, then what is genius?

Is genius hoarding resources and taking all the credit for ideas, or is genius providing resources to all people, so everyone can contribute their ideas?

Is genius figuring out strategies to have all the power, or is genius a democracy where everyone gets to be part of the problem-solving?

Is genius dividing people to create chaos so that no one notices what we’re hoarding, or is genius connecting people and giving everyone a chance to thrive?

To me, our worth is within us. And each of our worth is equal. And the expression of our worth is our genius.

And a great society would help meet all of our needs—physical, emotional and spiritual—so that we have time to not only acquaint ourselves with our worth and care for our worth, but experience and share the expression of our worth—by connecting meaningfully with ourselves and our loved ones, by building community, creating art, learning skills, generating new ideas that help meet all of our needs at the same time while also caring for our planet, and teaching our kids what their worth is and helping them discover their unique expression of their worth—their genius.

You know who doesn’t think this is the definition of worth? Those people who call this stuff socialism? They’re the people who believe that they are the most worthy, the people who want to hoard all the resources bc they feel they’re most entitled to it.

To me, a society that is *not* great is one where a few people in power make sure to have their needs met at the expense of everyone else’s, and then convince everyone else what great patriots they are working extra hard to survive.

But if we check in with our own worth, if we have access to it, we will know that this is hogwash.

But many people don’t have access to their worth.

And these are the people who are manipulated the most by those people in power. Those people in power will hand them an identity that looks like strength or grit or morality, and then tell them that this identity is their worth and that this is what they should be fighting for.

But really, this identity is not their worth. It’s been constructed to preserve the worth of those people in power.

It’s a complicated mess.

Personally, if I want to test my values, to make sure they’re stemming from my inner worth and not some identity given to me by some corrupt societal structure, I will try it out on my kid.

Kids are a great litmus test for figuring out whether or not our values are heart-based or identity-based.

And if I tried teaching my kid that the fundamental weakness of civilization is empathy, he’d look at me like I was crazy. Maybe even dial 911. Bc that is how backwards this would sound to everything he knows in his heart to be true.

People who help people are heroes.

People who make a difference for people are heroes.

People who share are heroes.

People who see the hero in each other, are heroes.

So when someone who is the monetarily richest person in the world says “empathy is weakness,” and then wants to intellectually explain in depth what he means, I think we need to read between the lines.

And when I read between these lines, I see a person who doesn’t believe he needs to share a damn thing bc he has convinced himself that he matters more.

But I would have to interview his children and those closest to him to find out his real worth.

Bc in the end, it’s not what we hoard, it’s what we give that determines whether or not we have access to our worth.

It’s our listening to understand, our communicating to be understood, it’s our good ideas, our caring for ourselves and each other, our being aware of our wounds and being willing to heal, our willingness to expand our perspectives and learn from each other, and our commitment to make choices that elevate each other and not just ourselves.

And when we share our worth, it’s always a good investment, because sharing our worth always encourages others to gain access to their own.

-JLK

The Land of I'm Better Than You

When he walked down the street, all they could hear was, "I'm better than you," in everyone's ear.

He screamed it to dogs while he ran through the park, and he screamed it to grown-ups awake in the dark.

He screamed it to mail people six times a week, and he screamed it some more if they dared try to speak.

He yelled it at classmates busy at play, and retold his sister every day.

He said it to clouds and when it was clearer, and once even said it out loud in the mirror!

He tried it real low and he tried it much higher, and once even bellowed the words in the choir.

He told it one morning to a sweet girl named Mandy, when she asked if he wanted a piece of her candy.

He hummed it in hallways and out on the street.

He told it to vegetables, even to meat.

As weeks turned to months and the months to a year, the whole town had grown used to his busy career.

And when folks saw him coming, they all ran away.

"Yeah, you're better than us. We all heard you, ok?"

The boy felt content. His job was now done.

He was better than everyone, every last one.

So he went to his bedroom and sat all alone, then got an idea and picked up the phone.

He dialed some numbers and waited while it rang, and as soon as someone answered, you know what he sang.

"You're not better than me," a voice said with a roar.

"Yes, I sure am," said the boy, turning sore.

"Is this how you're spending a beautiful day?

Scaring innocent people away?

"I bet you don't have many friends, now, do you?"

"How did you know?" "I can see right through you.

See, life's not a contest. It's about having fun, and celebrating the specialness of everyone!"

The boy felt an ache and he started to cry.

"But I'm not special. No matter how hard I try.

Nobody sees me till I tell them I'm better."

"Well, it's more fun when people feel special together."

"But nobody likes me. And no one ever did."

"If you try to be likable, you'll be likable, kid."

So, the next day, the boy gave a speech to the town.

"I want to apologize. I let you all down.

I know that I'm not really better than you.

I just felt ignored by the fun things you do.

"But I promise I won't ever say it again.

I just wanted somebody to want to be my friend."

As the boy stepped off his podium and headed back home, another boy ran after him and hollered with a groan:

"Do you have time to play? I just got this new ball."

The boy looked shocked, but smiled, in awe.

And the two boys played ball amid sunshine and laughter, which was really all the little boy had ever been after.

-JLK

The thing that gets me about the politics of this current administration is when their paycheck-to-paycheck supporters imagine they’re on the same team.

These billionaires say plainly that they think the word “empathy” holds them back. They don’t care about their supporters’ ideas or their supporters’ health insurance or social security.

And they’ve even been telling politicians not to engage in in-person meetings with their coming-to-their-senses constituents.

And yet these billionaires are counting on their supporters to defend them and counting on them to willingly take their place as obedient workers to make billionaires “greater,” under the guise of patriotism.

And the most baffling part—some of these people in power have got their supporters imagining that theirs is the will of god.

I don’t know who’s to blame here. I guess when a person in power has no personal checks and balances, they’re going to recreate that myopic mindset wherever they go.

But I’ve never seen so many Americans fighting for what’s clearly not in their best interest instead of fighting for democracy.

At this point, I’m wondering if this country needs trauma therapists more than it needs politicians.

In my opinion, caring for ourselves and each other, no matter who we are, should be the number one priority in all politics, whether we’re talking about the politics of our own hearts and minds, the politics of our families, our communities, our states or the whole world.

-JLK

It isn’t tough “love” if there isn’t any love.

Without love, it’s just harsh. And reactive. And toxic.

Your body can feel the difference.

If people aren’t able to pause and nurture your upsets with patience and love, if they take your upsets personally, then it’s possible those aren’t the people to go to when you’re upset.

A lot of us grew up trying to connect that toxic feeling with love. And a lot of us are still healing from that. And we’re learning to connect love with different kinds of experiences. Experiences that feel safe and connected and nurturing and fulfilling.

-JLK

I ran across this memory today…

I went to a movie by myself and I wondered why the screen was so dark. But I went with it. I watched the whole movie as best as I could.

Then afterwards, I got annoyed. I said to myself, “You’d think they’d turn on the lights so people wouldn’t fall down trying to get out of here!”

But I just kept it to myself and left the theater as carefully as I could.

Then I got to my car and that’s when I noticed myself in the rear view mirror… wearing my sunglasses!

I think there’s some wisdom here about blindspots and about muscling through things that we don’t realize we don’t have to, but besides that, I don’t think I’ve ever had as hearty of a laugh with myself as I did tonight.

-JLK

My son asked, “Why would all these grown-ups just do as they’re told even if they know it’s wrong?”

Made me think about the difference between people who were raised to comply with expectations no matter what, and people who were born refusing to do anything unless it feels right to them.

Someone once told me: “People might be frustrated by all these demand-avoidant kids, but I’m telling you, the world will need them!”

I think she was right.

The idea that having empathy is somehow “less evolved” brings up concerning questions.

Questions like: Who deserves empathy and who doesn’t? Who matters more and who matters less?

To me, we either all matter equally, or it becomes up to certain people to decide who matters more and who matters less.

And this assumes that there are some people who have the authority to decide the answers to these questions.

And who among us has this authority?

Who among us is worth enough to determine the worth of others?

Should worth be determined by the wealth in someone’s bank account?

Is this type of wealth greater than the wealth in someone’s heart or mind or soul?

Or is genius a way to measure someone’s worth?

And if so, then what is genius?

Is genius hoarding resources and taking all the credit for ideas, or is genius providing resources to all people, so everyone can contribute their ideas?

Is genius figuring out strategies to have all the power, or is genius a democracy where everyone gets to be part of the problem-solving?

Is genius dividing people to create chaos so that no one notices what we’re hoarding, or is genius connecting people and giving everyone a chance to thrive?

To me, our worth is within us. And each of our worth is equal. And the expression of our worth is our genius.

And a great society would help meet all of our needs—physical, emotional and spiritual—so that we have time to not only acquaint ourselves with our worth and care for our worth, but experience and share the expression of our worth—by connecting meaningfully with ourselves and our loved ones, by building community, creating art, learning skills, generating new ideas that help meet all of our needs at the same time while also caring for our planet, and teaching our kids what their worth is and helping them discover their unique expression of their worth—their genius.

You know who doesn’t think this is the definition of worth? Those people who call this stuff socialism? They’re the people who believe that they are the most worthy, the people who want to hoard all the resources bc they feel they’re most entitled to it.

To me, a society that is *not* great is one where a few people in power make sure to have their needs met at the expense of everyone else’s, and then convince everyone else what great patriots they are working extra hard to survive.

But if we check in with our own worth, if we have access to it, we will know that this is hogwash.

But many people don’t have access to their worth.

And these are the people who are manipulated the most by those people in power. Those people in power will hand them an identity that looks like strength or grit or morality, and then tell them that this identity is their worth and that this is what they should be fighting for.

But really, this identity is not their worth. It’s been constructed to preserve the worth of those people in power.

It’s a complicated mess.

Personally, if I want to test my values, to make sure they’re stemming from my inner worth and not some identity given to me by some corrupt societal structure, I will try it out on my kid.

Kids are a great litmus test for figuring out whether or not our values are heart-based or identity-based.

And if I tried teaching my kid that the fundamental weakness of civilization is empathy, he’d look at me like I was crazy. Maybe even dial 911. Bc that is how backwards this would sound to everything he knows in his heart to be true.

People who help people are heroes.

People who make a difference for people are heroes.

People who share are heroes.

People who see the hero in each other, are heroes.

So when someone who is the monetarily richest person in the world says “empathy is weakness,” and then wants to intellectually explain in depth what he means, I think we need to read between the lines.

And when I read between these lines, I see a person who doesn’t believe he needs to share a damn thing bc he has convinced himself that he matters more.

But I would have to interview his children and those closest to him to find out his real worth.

Bc in the end, it’s not what we hoard, it’s what we give that determines whether or not we have access to our worth.

It’s our listening to understand, our communicating to be understood, it’s our good ideas, our caring for ourselves and each other, our being aware of our wounds and being willing to heal, our willingness to expand our perspectives and learn from each other, and our commitment to make choices that elevate each other and not just ourselves.

And when we share our worth, it’s always a good investment, because sharing our worth always encourages others to gain access to their own.

-JLK

If you became hypervigilant to look out for all the details of life that might pose a threat, you’ve honed a skill—the skill of noticing—which can also be used to notice other things: the poetry of a moment, whether someone feels scared or sad and needs a few encouraging words, the way growth sometimes blossoms in unexpected places.

Hypervigilance can be great for protection. But we can use these same skills for connection—by paying attention to all the other things that are also going on around us.

-JLK

More and more, I believe World Peace begins with Immediate Vicinity Peace. So immediate, it's in our own minds.

We can have an internal meeting with all of our parts and elect a president that represents what's most meaningful to us and who treats all of our parts with care and compassion and figures out together how to meet all of our needs.

And we can let that official be our spokesperson as we carry ourselves into the world, delivering what's most meaningful to us wherever we go, and then do our best to listen to the needs of others and offer others the same compassion and understanding we've given to ourselves.

Maybe this is how we replace apathy with empathy, starting with ourselves first.

-JLK

The thing that gets me about the politics of this current administration is when their paycheck-to-paycheck supporters imagine they’re on the same team.

These billionaires say plainly that they think the word “empathy” holds them back. They don’t care about their supporters’ ideas or their supporters’ health insurance or social security.

And they’ve even been telling politicians not to engage in in-person meetings with their coming-to-their-senses constituents.

And yet these billionaires are counting on their supporters to defend them and counting on them to willingly take their place as obedient workers to make billionaires “greater,” under the guise of patriotism.

And the most baffling part—some of these people in power have got their supporters imagining that theirs is the will of god.

I don’t know who’s to blame here. I guess when a person in power has no personal checks and balances, they’re going to recreate that myopic mindset wherever they go.

But I’ve never seen so many Americans fighting for what’s clearly not in their best interest instead of fighting for democracy.

At this point, I’m wondering if this country needs trauma therapists more than it needs politicians.

In my opinion, caring for ourselves and each other, no matter who we are, should be the number one priority in all politics, whether we’re talking about the politics of our own hearts and minds, the politics of our families, our communities, our states or the whole world.

-JLK

When people still defend trump, this is what they sound like to me…

Always an important reminder to myself...

When you find yourself in a situation where you're not being honored, instead of writing a curriculum and teaching the person a course on how you'd like to be honored, you can use that precious energy to honor yourself.

And honoring yourself might look like investing in your passions, instead of investing all your energy into changing those people in your life who really aren't even interested in changing.

-JLK

Thoughts on Zelenskyy in the Oval Office…

Many of us recognize the communication style… Those people who need to dominate spaces rather than share them.

Those people who need to be right by yelling loud enough to block out any other perspective.

Those people who shame rather than validate.

Those people who wag their finger, telling others they should be grateful, instead of creating a space to listen to what needs aren’t currently being met.

I guess some people think it’s funny to see some “tough guy” in the Oval Office. They think it’s hysterical to watch his finger-pointing thugs get all wound up.

But to me, it’s pathetic. Like an old joke, except it’s at the expense of millions of Ukrainians who just want to feel safe in their homes. And not only that, it’s at the expense of democracy itself.

This is not what leadership looks like, in my opinion.

And this was not diplomacy.

Diplomacy never looks like yelling and shaming and strong-arming and speaking from a place of being right.

Diplomacy is communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand.

It’s having empathy for those who have been suffering and offering a commitment to end the suffering by offering consideration and support.

It’s about merging narratives to form new connections where people are valued over profits.

It’s about investing in democracy—lands where people’s voices matter, where people’s health matters, people’s potential matters, where progress matters.

What it’s not?

It’s not corrupt billionaires pretending to be interested in peace when it’s clear from their actions that they only care about one thing: growing their wealth, growing their power, and growing what they believe they already own, no matter who gets mowed down in the process.

I get that some people find comfort from authoritarians. That some people have spent their whole lives complying with expectations, and that badge of honor has worked for them.

But these guys to me don’t represent the land of the free and the home of the brave. It’s more like the land of the greed and the home of the depraved.

And that these people are trying to appropriate Christ as their guarantor? It would be absurd if it wasn’t so sacrilege. These people who deport hard working “illegal immigrants,” but invite a rapist/trafficker into the country?

Come on!

To me, this isn’t about sides. It’s about what we stand for. And what we’re willing to sell out for.

-JLK

Nobody has your voice, nobody has your perspective, nobody has your history.

This is why I believe it’s so important to honor your voice. It represents who you are, and who you are makes a difference.

If you feel you’ve lost your voice in the sea of other voices you’ve been bombarded by over the years, here’s a writing exercise that I find helpful to remind me of what my voice sounds like.

To me, the best way to honor my voice is to begin to honor the voice I currently have right now, by noticing what’s within me and around me and spending a little time to consider what it all means to me.

I like to take 5 minutes, sit somewhere, and begin typing on my phone everything I notice: memories, sensations, feelings, sights, sounds, etc.

When something inspires me, I trust that inspiration and keep going.

When I get tired, I read what I’ve written and usually I think of more things to add—like ingredients.

Then, I read back what I’ve written and I get to see what was meaningful to me. And I get to appreciate myself and understand myself on a deeper level than I’m used to.

We can honor ourselves and our voices by giving ourselves permission to share ourselves.

That stuff we write is our voice coming out, our perspective.

Your voice may have been squashed in the past, and there may be people in power who would love our voices to stay silent.

Even more reason to make sure we’re not part of the team that’s squashing our own voices.

Let your voice speak. I have a feeling you’ll fall in love with what it has to say.

-JLK

So many of us are so not used to being validated and cared for, that we could have the most horrendous thought about ourselves, a thought that might even make us question the value of our entire existence, and not even consider giving ourselves love—a little of our time, a hug, some understanding, words of encouragement.

We spent so many moments in anguish growing up with no one noticing and no one being there for us, that we never got the software installed that shows us what

"being there for us" even looks like.

So if you're in anguish, I'll share what’s been helping me lately:

Instead of trying to get rid of the anguish or pretend it's not there, I’ve been visiting what hurts as if I’m the caretaker of my body (which, surprisingly, I am! It’s just taken me awhile to figure this out!) And I stay with the hurt and I give the hurt my validation instead of trying to get rid of it or avoid it, the way I was taught to do.

And I ask the hurt why it’s hurting and let the hurt know that I won’t get up and go off to do more important things. That I’ll stay until the hurt dissipates into being cared for and understood.

It’s hard. Bc pain hurts. And I don’t want to feel hurt. But the appreciation I have for myself and for all the parts of myself grows when I can count on myself to be there.

And funny, I’ve noticed as I’ve been developing more compassion for all of my parts, I’ve been feeling that compassion more often for the parts of others.

-JLK

I tried connecting with my son in a new way. Instead of going into his room and asking how much longer he'll be online, which usually elicits zero response, I said, "Did you know there are roughly 7.5 sextillion grains of sand on Earth?"

And sure enough, he looked up and said, "Hm. I wonder how many spiders there are on Earth?"

More and more, I'm learning that connecting with my son means more than anything else.

-JLK

If you grew up around reactive toxic behavior, you might not trust what's a big deal to you or what's not a big deal to you.

Bc maybe what you thought wasn't a big deal got punished.

And maybe what you thought was a big deal got repeatedly gaslit and dismissed.

But as adults, we get to say what's a big deal to us and what's not and trust our lived experience.

And if someone isn't going to honor our lived experience, or if they’re going to withhold love or anything else to try and stifle our needs and concerns, as adults, we get to say whether or not we want to continue the dynamic.

And we don't need anyone's agreement about it, either. Certainly not theirs.

As adults, we get to create boundaries and inside those boundaries, we get to offer ourselves validation, and remember that we are unabandonable, bc we can count on ourselves and count on ourselves to find the kind of support that works for us.

-JLK

If someone isn't in a position to create a space of mutually authentic communication based on what's meaningful to you both, if they just want to shoot off rounds of regurgitated talking points, you do not have to be involved.

It will serve no purpose other than to waste your time or energy.

Whenever I cross paths with regurgitation, I do the same thing—I step around it and continue on my way.

-JLK

Because of my childhood, I have it ingrained that if there's going to be a difficult conversation, it's going to lead to the squashing of my perspective followed by punishment. So it's no wonder I've shied away from difficult conversations as an adult.

But what l've been learning is that it is possible to have difficult conversations that end with deeper connections. And the ingredients to do so are listening-to-understand, communicating-to-be-understood, plus a dash of compassion and humor.

-JLK

RIP Jocelynn Rojo Carranza

Hateful rhetoric against immigrants trickling down from the current administration caused a 6th grader to commit suicide.

The White House posted an image of an immigrant in chains with a heading that read ASMR: Illegal Alien Deportation Flight.

Yes, the White House posted this.

These people in power are not leading with values that create peace and progress and stability for all. They are leading as if some people have more value than others. Which of course isn’t true.

Dehumanizing people is not only not ok. It should never be the American way.

The Statue of Liberty should represent a beacon of hope for anyone who feels called to pursue their full potential.

What’s happening now isn’t about fair immigration laws, it’s about cruelty.

And when I hear people laugh-emoji at cruelty or recite what-about lines that they know by heart from hearing them regurgitated again and again, to me, it only serves as yet another symptom of the lost soul of America.

It’s hard to find stability in an unstable world. But I think it’s important in light of so many upsetting stories to never lose our values.

Our values are the pavers that keep us heading on track in a forward direction, towards everything that’s most meaningful to us.

-JLK

New Scripture for our Times, inspired by the “richest” man on earth, who can’t seem to afford any other perspective than his own…

…And make sure to steer clear of helping your neighbor and the poor and those who come to your land seeking refuge and anyone else who’s different than you or having a hard time. For they are the parasite class. Let us, the kings, choose among us who should prosper. And let us make a special place in this heaven on earth for only us and maybe just those parasites who understand the importance of serving our mission by willingly assisting us with this parasite cleanse…

Some people seem to stay buoyant. It’s amazing for me to witness. They just seem to keep going and functioning.

Of course you can never know for sure.

But for me, I’m more like a boat with holes here and there that takes in a lot of water if I’m not constantly checking myself for damage.

I take in a lot of stuff. And it feels heavy sometimes.

And when this happens, I just need to take myself into the shop and repair myself. Take inventory of what I’ve taken in that’s gotten too heavy, and then, with understanding and compassion, all that stuff loses its weight and I can feel lighter again.

It’s just par for the course for me, as they say. And I’ve gotten to accept this about myself.

And I’ve learned to even appreciate those times when I’m taking inventory and repairing those spots that crack open at the slightest pressure.

It can be inconvenient to have to repair so often. But I’ve had a lot of insights and a lot of good ideas that have come during those moments. And sometimes they make me laugh and other times, they fill my heart with warmth.

But I’ve realized, that no matter what kind of vessel we live in, it’s still a sacred vessel. It still gives us this experience of being alive. And I find when we can accept ourselves just as we are and aren’t, we can find a lot of joy and connection just through sharing ourselves.

-JLK

Ran into this old conversation with my mother from Valentine’s Day, 2006. She passed unexpectedly in 2016. I miss her so.

My Mother: I forgot to call you on Valentine’s Day.

Me: It’s ok!

My Mother: No it’s not. I’m brokenhearted. You know how I love to send you chocolate on Valentine’s Day.

Me: Well, I can’t have chocolate, anyhow. So it’s for the best.

My Mother: Ohhh, Jessica... How could you not have chocolate? Chocolate is wonderful! Chocolate makes me feel wonderful! It stimulates the endorphins!

Me: Well, I never know when to stop eating it.

My Mother: I just have a handful and watch TV.

Me: But what do you do when you reach in and all you feel is the empty bag?

My Mother: I’m already sick of it by then.

Me: Not me. I have to go find more. And the only thing that stops me is the migraine it gives me and then I wind up spending the rest of the day encased in panic and regret.

My Mother: (laughing)

Me: Mother, you know what I say? I say, who needs Valentine’s Day!

My Mother: You know what, Jess… You’re right. We don’t need the Hallmarks of the world reminding us how to love!

Me: That’s right Mother, Amen!

My Mother: We don’t need any pink hearts to tell people how we feel about them!

Me: That’s right!

My Mother: I pronounce a new holiday!

Me: …Fuck The Government Day?

My Mother: You got it, Jess. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT DAY! So… how’re your cramps…?

Me: Eh, so-so.

My Mother: (laughing) Don’t worry, Darling. One day you’ll get menopause and you’ll wish you had cramps.

Me: It’s that bad?

My Mother: Let me share with you the story of your future, my dear: One day, you’ll let a rhinoceros out of your vagina. And then shortly after, you’ll wake up in menopause… And then you’ll start sweating…

Me: Jesus.

My Mother: Ooops… Shoot… Darling, unfortunately, I have to cut this short... But I want you to have a good day, OK? And please, go buy yourself some fucking chocolate.

Me: Ok, Mother. I love you.

My Mother: Always and forever.

-JLK

As a kid, I developed many different parts to cope with many different kinds of situations and many different kinds of people.

And each of these parts have developed over time.

And each of these parts l've developed have become complex parts, each with their own ways of coping along with their own ideas and aspirations.

But what l've noticed is that when it comes time for making life choices, all my parts tend to want different things.

And sometimes, trying to get all these parts on the same page works about as well as it does in any community meeting when members are riled up, confused and upset.

The part who is most newly healed and newly comfortable in herself wants to go out into the world and explore.

The part who’s still in the midst of healing trauma and updating old disempowered belief systems would prefer a she-shed in the backyard.

The part that’s realized she’s a contribution wants to go out and help people find their refuge within so they’re not running all over the place trying to find centers outside of themselves the way I did for so long.

And the part that’s been coping with adversity by writing all about it is perfectly content to continue writing.

And all of these parts are wonderful parts. But there’s only so many hours in a day.

And then there’s the part that’s learning about the value of radical acceptance. And sometimes, if there’s not been any resolution, she’ll call an end to the community meeting and find a place to sit outside to happily do nothing.

-JLK

Affirmation:

I don’t have to honor every single part of myself with every choice I make. Instead, I can elect my current awareness as the “official” leader of my community of parts, and I can do my best to make sure that all my healed and healing parts have support and representation. I can give myself and all my parts a break and I can also offer all my parts my understanding and compassion.

You are worthy, just as you are.

Hi! Nice to see you!

Oh, wow! It is? Uh... here, take this candy bar!

Oh, I don't need that.

Want me to write you a poem? Especially for you?

That's so nice. But I'm fine.

I could bake cookies! Bring them to you tomorrow!?

Not necessary.

Help you clean your house?

Oh no. Thanks though.

Need a kidney?

Hey, listen... Getting to spend time with YOU is the gift.

I don't need anything extra. Just you, as you are!

What About Me Syndrome

It’s interesting to me as a white person to see other white people uncomfortable and unwilling to center Black narratives, Black stories.

To me, it comes from one of the leading white biases - the What About Me syndrome.

Yes, all of us humans have the What About Me syndrome, but those of us who have had our white stories centered on the grand stage of life, generation after generation? We have an extended version of it.

I was born into it. I know it well.

And I think it can be hard for white people to understand what it might be like to not be centered in that grand picture of reality.

In my experience as a white person, being dismissed has been predominantly a personal experience. And I’m not belittling this. Trauma is awful. And I spend my whole life healing my own and validating the trauma of others.

I’m only bringing it up to illustrate what the outrage looks like when my narrative as a white person with personal trauma has been dismissed.

And I’m speaking only for myself so as not to offend anyone.

I’m either eating myself from the inside out, unable to function, or I’m venting on social media, unfriending to protect boundaries, making appointments to therapists, calls to attorneys, or I’m writing another memoir.

And, if my dismisser has the audacity to say, in the middle of my upset, “Well, my point is just as valid as yours...” Not so much anymore, but in the past?

Oh, the memes have gone flying: posts about narcissism, posts about karma taking care of things, posts about not accepting apologies only changed behavior, meditation retreats, acupuncture, even speculations that god must surely be on my side.

So, knowing how upsetting it has been to have the pain of my personal trauma dismissed and invalidated… imagine having to deal with the same legitimate experience of coping with and trying to heal personal trauma, while also enduring the additional daily trauma of being dismissed, invalidated, marginalized or worse, just on account of your complexion?

That’s trauma compounded on top of trauma.

Can you imagine leaving your house after a horrible, traumatizing day with your kids or your partner or your chronic illness to decompress at a cafe with your favorite book or music, only to be further traumatized by someone you don’t even know, all bc of the color of your skin?

I have never had to deal with that.

As a woman, yes, I know the impact of those certain male-centering “what about me” voices that dominate spaces, those certain (not all) men who feel that if women are centered, they will lose instead of gain some level of “mattering the most,” which of course is sourced from that same inability to understand and appreciate life through multiple perspectives.

But still, for myself, there is a racial component that I have zero experience with.

Bc I’ve still been centered in whiteness.

(Though funny, the times I have been in all Black spaces, I have been welcomed. Every time.)

The past couple days, I have heard some white people wanting to dismiss the Super Bowl halftime show, without understanding that they’re dismissing the experience of not being centered.

And what I’m asking is, why?

Why, in all good conscience, would I have a problem with setting down my whiteness to see life, not through “what about me,” but through the lens of “what about others?”

Why would I not want to understand the narrative of Black men and Black women and Black children who not only have trauma from their personal narratives to heal from, but have been dismissed again and again for centuries, from daily micro-aggressions to being murdered, all because of their complexions?

The whole reason people capitalize the B in Black and embrace the sentiment that Black Lives Matters, is not to upset the white narrative, it’s bc Black stories have been so repeatedly dismissed and trampled over and taken over by white people, that Black people and those of us who care about Black lives have had to paint signs and t-shirts that literally say, “Hey, Black Lives Matter,” just bc it seems like a lot of people never got the message.

Centering Black people and Black stories in the Super Bowl halftime show was revolutionary. And that it was televised was also revolutionary.

For myself, when I looked at that screen and I saw Kendrick Lamar surrounded by Black bodies draped in red, white and blue, literally building America, I knew something meaningful was happening.

I was watching an important story of America.

And it was not about me. And it was not being told to me. It was being told by and for the people whose story it belongs to.

And what’s more? It’s not the job of Black bodies to then further labor to help me decipher their story.

If I want to understand the story, I need to do the labor myself.

And why would I want to understand?

Why would I want to expand my narrative, what I’m used to, to include stories other than my own?

Because centering others has more value than only centering myself.

There’s a reason that the premise of every Holy text reminds us that All People Matter.

Because all people contain the Sacred Seed of Being which is beyond complexion, beyond political persuasion, beyond indoctrination, orientation, identification, geography, neurology, physical ability or disability, etc., etc.

The ultimate narrative is not “what about me,” it’s “What About God,” or whatever word you want to use to describe that Sacred Seed of Being.

I’m not talking in any religious sense, only with the knowledge that whenever we dismiss one of us, we dismiss a container of God that is part of us all. And we become fractured.

What I have learned most in my ongoing healing is that I can hold multiple contexts and narratives at once. I can honor my story and the story of others at the same time and cherish us all.

I have learned that we have a vast space within us, that if we don’t constrict, has no limit for how far it can expand.

And the more we stretch our minds, the more narratives we can fit. And the more narratives we know about, the more people we can care about. And every time we make the effort to care about each other, we generate peace instead of war.

Another reason the message of the halftime show was so powerful to me, is bc our country is currently being infiltrated by “what about me” people who no longer even need to ask “what about me.”

They have enough resources now to make sure it’s “All About Them.”

And they’ve signed up others, and they tell these others, “Hey, pay attention, this is about you too!”

But I’m not so sure it is.

There is another demographic here that’s not only racial, that’s building something other than America, and they’re using *all* our bodies as a means to their end.

It’s billionaires.

And they have the vast resources to press your “what about me” button and get your attention fast.

They might be saying, “Look! That (insert name of person or demographic or policy that isn’t subscribed to their narrative )doesn’t care about you!”

But what they’re really doing is centering themselves as mattering most and getting others to join their agenda.

And the richest man of all? The ultimate “It’s All About Me” guy? That this man would be considered something to strive for instead of something to heal, like a rogue cancer, is beyond my abilities to understand.

The “it’s all about me” people who have the most resources will ask the people they need agreement from to become patriots, not for America, but for their agendas.

It’s not about the flag. It’s not about the constitution which clearly states our values—for the people, by the people. It’s about profits. And control. It’s investing in a story that only works for those who have turned “what about me” into “it’s only about me.”

Unchecked What About Me syndrome leads to colonizing. And though colonizing is powerful in that it pillages lands and people, it comes from a place of scarcity.

From what I’ve noticed, it comes from a personal “what about me” narrative that may have originated in trauma, but as it takes and takes to compensate, it expands to land grabbing, culture grabbing, and turning everything into theirs, so that they imagine they’re finally safe and that they’ll never not be centered again.

But it’s wrong. Greed stops growth. It cuts off life. And it cuts off access to the valuable, Holy perspective that sees all life as mattering.

That impoverished child on your screen? That’s not a stranger. That’s little Kayla from Minnesota down the street but born through different circumstances, via a different container to house the same Seed of Sacred Being.

See that kid from that poverty-stricken urban neighborhood? That’s no stranger. That’s little Henry from Long Island in your kid’s karate class, born through different circumstances, via a different container to house the same Seed of Sacred Being.

We are all each other. We all deserve to live in peace with equal access to the same resources and opportunities to reach our full health and potential.

To imagine that one person doesn’t matter, is literally killing off parts of us all.

But someone who is stuck on “What about me” or “It’s only about me” will not be able to conceive of this.

They will believe sharing wealth and opportunity is a waste of resources, bc they literally aren’t able to access the perspective that teaches us

the value of people over profits. For them, people make profits. And people are either a means to that end or an obstacle to that end.

They want to turn the world into a place where people serve only their narrative. A world that’s made for them. So of course they are very threatened when somebody else comes and tells a different story. Especially on *their* grand stage.

Have you ever seen a “What About Me” temper tantrum? Well in this current climate, it looks like white nationalism.

It looks like someone who had personal trauma and then gained enough resources to compensate for that on a larger scale.

Some people are afraid to not be centered.

They’re afraid to say, “What about you?”

But funny, what I get out of all this lately, is that whiteness is not at all the privilege that many of us have been imagining it us.

It’s a deprivation.

Just think of how much more growth we’d have as a species if more narratives had been invited to all these tables.

We’ve missed out on so many geniuses. So much talent. So many incredible perspectives. So much ingenuity. So many hearts with so much to share.

Can you imagine our world if all voices were centered? If we could build bridges that merge our narratives?

Surely there’s enough space on this planet for that to still happen.

Diversity is growth. Diversity is beauty. Diversity is genius.

So my hope is that before us white people open our mouths to say, “What about me,” in all those different dialects of what-about, that we instead pause, orient ourselves as one valid perspective among many, and ask out loud, What about that person over there? And what about those people? And what about you?

And then go find out.

-JLK

Sometimes when I feel like I don't care about anything, it's not bc I don't care about anything, it's bc my care meter has no batteries.

I can charge my care meter by giving myself time to rest and by giving myself a break. Without so much pressure, I can settle into myself and begin to remember what it is I truly care about and nurture those things.

-JLK

Unhealed mothers can cause a lot of hurt.

If you carry hurt from your mother, scoop it up and notice what it's made of.

As a child, my mother gave me what she had in abundance. This was often stress and pain. If she'd had more access to love at the time, she would have given it to me.

Knowing this, I release my mother's hurt. I release her absence. I release her poor judgment. I release the spaces she created that I felt unsafe in.

I let it go so that I don't keep it in my heart as a palette to give from. I close my eyes and feel within me the space where love flows.

And I allow this love to soothe me. And I will continue to visit this space where love flows, until this love flows abundant. And I will make sure that it's from this space, that I share myself with my own child.

-JLK

Here’s a story about someone I know…

When he was a kid, he was expected to do a lot of work around the house. His other siblings, not so much. But this kid was made to repair and build and paint and on and on.

And one day, he was up on a ladder, painting siding on the second floor of his house. It was the highest he’d ever climbed. And his dad, who was footing the ladder, said, “Don’t worry, I got you.“ And then he shook the ladder, and laughed.

The boy held on tight as the ladder wobbled underneath him and he saw his dad laughing. “You scared?” his dad taunted.

This was not the first time his dad behaved this way. And the boy was scared. But in that moment, he knew that to retain any sense of himself and to survive with his dignity in tact, he had to do something besides play the victim.

After all, his family made fun of people who cried.

Every time his feelings were hurt, they told him it was a joke, as if they wanted him to laugh along at his own expense.

“Oh boo hoo,” they’d say. “I was only kidding. Relax.”

But the boy didn’t think being shaken on a ladder was very funny at all. So, he looked down at his dad and he let go of the can of paint.

The can dropped, slamming hard on the ground, paint splattering everywhere.

And his dad, he just shook his head at the mess and kind of laughed, in a less amused way than before.

Bc of his dad, this boy developed an identity to survive disrespectful, toxic behavior. The moment this boy felt scared or vulnerable, he’d shift into survival mode, knowing he didn’t have a safe place to share his feelings, and he’d lash out instead.

As the years continued on, this boy turned into an adult, but with those same 12-year-old upsets.

Meaning, every time he felt like someone was shaking the proverbial ladder that he’d been depending on, he’d drop the proverbial paint.

The problem was, he began to assume everyone was shaking the proverbial ladder, even when they weren’t.

Eventually, he had a family of his own, and after enough times of dropping the proverbial paint and making a big mess, he began to realize that this behavior wasn’t serving him or the people around him, who he loved so dearly.

This wasn’t who he wanted to be. He didn’t want to give his family the same miserable experience he had.

He wanted other feelings in his palette besides anger and happiness. He wanted to be with sadness and fear and vulnerability. And he wanted to create a safe space for his loved ones to be with all of their feelings too. He wanted to trust his family’s love for him and be trusted with their love.

Since then, he’s been working on healing those unhealed parts of himself. He’s been working on going back in time and letting that younger part of himself know that what he dealt with all those years ago was not ok.

And he thanks that younger part of himself for surviving in the only way he knew how, and he lets the boy know that he’s safe now. That he’s loved now. That his feelings matter—all of them.

And he looks around at his loved ones and he really gets that their feelings matter too. That their feelings are precious, never something to be laughed at, or mocked.

And when he starts to feel like someone is shaking his proverbial ladder, intentionally trying to undermine his sense of himself, he pauses before he reacts.

He checks in with himself first, and reminds himself he’s safe, and then he checks in with the other people, to see what’s happening from their perspective.

When his loved ones tell him that something he’s done has made them feel upset, he recognizes how much easier it is to shift his behavior rather than defend himself, bc their feelings matter that much to him.

He’s learned that not everyone is like his father. And that he doesn’t have to be like that either.

That disrespectful behavior stems from a self that never felt respected. It’s an initiation into a legacy of toxicity, all in order to avoid the feeling of being vulnerable in spaces without supportive foundations.

Now, this boy, an older man, realizes that creating a stable foundation for the self is how you create an environment where love and abundance and creativity and joy are able to flourish.

And these are what this man now values.

Sometimes he feels sad for his father, now long gone, for his imagining that there was strength in mocking someone’s vulnerability. Bc his father missed out on what could have been a really incredible relationship.

-JLK

Sometimes I get so mad at myself once I return to my senses after a reactive moment.

“Why couldn’t I have remembered love? Why couldn’t I have accessed my wisdom and patience? Why did I forget to be the kind of parent to my child that I needed when I was little?”

But more and more, I remember that the shift back to this stuff begins with being this kind of person for myself first. So I tell myself:

Dear Self,

You cannot access love or patience while you’re completely stressed out and feeling bombarded by perceived threats to your sanity and well-being.

It’s not your love and wisdom and patience that’s broken, it’s simply your access to these

things that disappears every time you’re triggered.

Visit your triggers with love. Ask them what they’re so triggered by. And listen. Only by validating your triggers will your access to choice become available.

So don’t waste any more moments wallowing in guilt. Soothe your discomfort by understanding what felt threatening and “too much” for you, and what you can do next time to meet your own needs.

Then, once you feel understood by yourself, you can re-pair with your son by sharing your insight about what happened, and then by asking what he needs to feel understood and validated.

The more you practice giving yourself grace, the more you’ll be in a position to understand the ingredients of the difficult moments before you get triggered.

-JLK

A story about being who you are in a supposed-to-be-world…

I remember when my mother first lost her home. She’d been working at this giant consignment warehouse, which kind of looked like an enormous indoor junkyard.

To keep my mother off the streets, the owner of the warehouse allowed her to move in. And for several months, that’s where she lived, in a spare room at this warehouse, with nothing but a bed, toilet and sink.

It was a difficult time.

But my mother learned a lot there.

Part of my mother’s journey was not only parting ways with the supposed-to-be’s that her family had tried to impose on her, but parting with her own supposed-to-be’s that she had unconsciously imposed onto other people.

Living at the warehouse, she met many people who’d also fallen through the cracks. People who‘d found work there after their families and communities had given them that ultimate ultimatum: either be who you’re supposed-to-be or you won’t be accepted here.

The people my mother met were similar to her in that they not only believed in who they were inside themselves, they knew themselves too well to be able to stomach pretending to be anyone different.

And what’s more, they preferred themselves over all those others who hadn’t accepted them.

But they couldn’t find a place in the world to thrive. And their lives became near impossible to live bc of this.

These were people who were healing. Not only healing who they were. But healing their relationship with the supposed-to-be’s.

They’d come to terms that it was ok to separate from the ways they’d been told they needed to be and to do something radically different—to accept themselves just as they were and believe in themselves regardless of who else didn’t.

My mother became friends with a young man named Alex who also worked at the consignment warehouse. Alex was gay and had HIV.

He and my mother bonded over secondhand designer merchandise and Barbara Streisand.

They sang together and immensely enjoyed perusing the donation bins for discarded clothing ‘to die for.’

One day, Alex was opening a box and sliced his thumb with a box cutter.

And as blood began flowing, he stood in the middle of the warehouse and screamed at my mother and the others to stay back, that he was a loaded weapon, to just bring him some rags and bandages and drop them at a safe distance.

At the time, my mother was THE biggest germophobe I’d ever met. A woman who scoured her nostrils with hydrogen peroxide at the end of each day to protect herself from other people’s awfulness.

But that day, she told me her heart was so broken hearing this boy, it took every ounce of strength not to cry.

“Alex, honey,” she said. "You are not a loaded weapon, you are a beautiful human being."

And my mother walked right over, helped clean and bandage him up, and gave him a big hug.

My mother saw herself in this person. She saw someone who had been banished by their family of origin for having the courage to be true to what felt natural. She wasn’t gay. But who she was hadn’t been accepted either.

Alex’s family of origin had tried to convince him that who he was, was unnatural. And that bc of his unnatural ways, God had punished him with HIV.

And my mother explained to him that sometimes people confuse the word ‘natural’ with what they’ve been told is the way things are supposed-to-be. But that there was nothing unnatural about who he was. That what *would* have been unnatural, is if he’d pretended to be someone he wasn’t.

“You think Jesus got nailed to that cross bc he should have just gone with the program and did what he was supposed to do?” she asked him.

No.

“You think I lost my home bc I’m being punished for not doing things the way I was supposed to?”

No.

“That’s right. What’s real is that this system here in our society works best for people who are willing to go along with the program and be who they’re supposed to be and do what they’re supposed to do.

And that’s just fine and well for all the people who this works for. But if doing what you’re supposed to do suffocates your soul and your values, then guess what? You are going to have to be courageous enough to do something different—and be yourself.

And yes, the world will push you out like the splinter they see you as, but that’s ok. You just keep being you and believing in who you are. No matter what. And you’ll see—people will begin to understand you and even be inspired by who you are, because who you are is brilliant and beautiful and courageous and kind. And you will realize that there IS a place for you. And that place is wherever you happen to be.”

Bc of my mother, I will always be on the side of people who have fallen through the cracks. People who have so much to contribute, but who aren’t always allowed access into the world bc they’re not the way they’re ‘supposed-to-be.’

And I find it disappointing when people use God as a literal ruler to measure people’s behavior in terms of how far they’ve strayed from who they’re ‘supposed-to-be.’

I believe that the most sacred thing I can do when I cross paths with someone is listen when they tell me who they are, and not only believe them, but understand them and care for who they are, until they’ve got a place in my heart.

—JLK

I used to think it was a sign of weakness to get support. Until I realized I had created the identity of ‘being strong’ to survive the fact that no one ever showed up for me when I needed it.

It was a badge I bestowed upon myself to honor the fact that I had summoned the strength to survive on my own, regardless of who wasn’t there.

But then I burned out and really needed support.

Support from others is not a substitute for my own support, but it reminds me that other people have resources I don’t have access to. Ways of thinking that expand my perspective so that my blind spots aren’t keeping me from seeing the full story of what’s happening within me and around me.

And when I allow other people to support me, it inspires me to want to use my own resources to support others.

That’s how we spread support through the world, so we don’t create new generations that need to muscle through and tell themselves they don’t need anyone, just to survive the fact that no one’s there.

-JLK

People get so upset about the word politics. I think some people imagine that the word means “something that’s about to get me upset.”

But really, politics is just another word for figuring out how to get everyone’s needs met at the same time.

It’s the mass collaboration of people communicating what’s most meaningful to them based on their lived experience, and electing politicians who are willing and able to listen and understand and represent their needs, and make sure that policies are put in place to protect them, not harm them.

This country was founded on the idea that all people are created equal and have fundamental rights.

So when people talk about wanting rights, about being entitled to having rights, about being welcomed into conversations and spaces where their lived experiences are heard and understood and honored, where they can make valuable contributions that our communities will benefit from—it’s the most American conversation there is.

-JLK

If you grew up under the microscope of criticism you might still get nervous to press send, to post, to speak, to write, to spell correctly, to make sure everyone’s feelings are managed, to make sure there’s no mess that anyone can see, that your elbow grease has been properly utilized, that your thoughts are easily digestible without room for misinterpretation, lest you be subjected to punishment or violence—physical or emotional.

My god!

No wonder those of us who grew up like this live in isolation, hidden from any chance of crossing paths with these sorts of self-appointed authority figures, these masters of what’s best and right and proper.

The good news is that we do not have to abide by their rules and regulations anymore.

And one way to find the door out, is to understand the origins of these rigid critics of behavior. It’s a coping mechanism. They were stressed the fuck out and trying to put hospital corners on the whole damn world to help them feel safe and in control. But guess what—people aren’t meant to be hospital cornered. Putting hospital corners on a person is putting them in a straitjacket.

I had two stepmothers back-to-back who were both like this.

My mother was out of the picture by this time, coping with the chaos of life in her own way, the kind of way where she ripped out her own heart instead of ripping the hearts out of innocent bystanders.

And I remember years later, when we started to reconnect and spend more time together. I was still so cautious in life, still so nervous to make any kind of mess—literally or figuratively.

And one day we came home from St. Vincent de Paul’s and I accidentally broke this piece of pottery she'd found. I was so worried she’d be disappointed.

And I kept apologizing, until my mother looked at me and said, “Jesus Jessica. What did those people do to you? Who fucking cares about that stupid thing! Let's work on fixing the broken things that matter."

It was such a relief to hear.

And I realized that those taskmasters were not my role models. At all.

They were completely devoid of what it takes to create the kinds of connections that make life worth living.

They were so busy trying to control everything that they missed out on nuance and humor and grace and understanding.

So now, when I hear those old internalized critical voices picking apart what I’ve just done, I say to myself—“Who fucking cares if I made a mistake! I’m going to work on repairing the stuff that matters! And the glue that I’m going to use to put my pieces together is love and compassion and understanding and humor.”

-JLK

Communicating-To-Be-Understood

(A piece about understanding why we feel triggered by other people’s behavior and why they feel triggered by ours. And how we can still share who we are and create more fulfilling connections with the people in our lives.)

From what I’ve noticed, there are two kinds of communication: communicating-to-be-heard and communicating-to-be-understood.

Let me try and explain what I think’s the difference:

Have you ever been really upset? And you lash out?

Maybe you say shut up or you say f you or you push someone, or want to hurt them with your words?

Or maybe you lie because you don’t want to disappoint anyone by not meeting an expectation?

Or you brag because it seems no ever notices your accomplishments?

These are examples of communicating-to-be-heard.

From what I’ve noticed, we do this in moments when we feel threatened. Maybe because of a dangerous situation, but more often, I think it happens when we’re triggered by someone who’s done something that upset us. Or when we’re trying to avoid getting triggered by someone who might do something to upset us.

Most people are pretty familiar with communicating-to-be-heard, though I don’t know anyone who likes to be on the receiving end of it.

Communicating-to-be-understood, on the other hand, is less common. It might start out sounding something like:

“I’m upset that you’re accusing me of something. I hear you’re upset too. But I think we’re misunderstanding each other. Can we talk about what happened?

Or, “I see you want me to do that right now. But I’m right in the middle of something that’s really important to me. Can you give me 15 more minutes?”

Or, “I don’t have the energy to handle your concern and mine both at the same time right now. Can we gather our thoughts and talk about this after dinner?”

The trouble is, even though I think the majority of people really want to connect and be understood, many of us don’t have the skills to communicate-to-be-understood. And I think one reason for this is because very few people are role-modeling what it looks like to communicate-to-be-understood.

Probably because we’re all too busy communicating-to-be-heard.

Communicating-to-be-heard is very contagious. Because what do we want to do when someone lashes out at us? We want to lash back.

If someone says some variety of “shut up,” it’s very hard not to say some variety of, “No, you shut up.”

Or for those more mild-mannered people, if someone says some variety of, “I don’t like your behavior.” Then I might say, “Well, now you know how I felt three days ago, when you had that same behavior.”

It’s a game of offense/defense that only ends when someone develops the skills to shift out of going back and forth and steps forward into a new way of being with a completely different intention: to understand instead of win.

But how can anyone step forward when we don’t even know that direction exists?

Communicating-to-be-heard begins in childhood. Let’s say a little kid tries to express themselves to get their needs met and they don’t have the skills to communicate-to-be-understood. Which is always the case with little children. We all start out as balls of reactions, communicating-to-be-heard.

So the little kid screams, and the adult more than likely runs over to the little kid to meet their needs, and the little kid stops screaming.

But then what happens as we get older?

Well, in an ideal world, I’d imagine our parents would teach us the skill of communicating-to-be-understood. And I’d imagine our parents would teach us this skill by role-modeling it themselves, by being empathetic and curious about our upset behavior, and reflecting back to us what they think we might be feeling until we’re calm enough to communicate-to-be-understood and share more information about our experience.

Like, “I can tell that what happened made you really upset. I’m so sorry you’re suffering. What can I do? How can I support you?”

After children experience what it’s like to be reflected enough times, I’d imagine they would begin to practice the skill themselves, until it became second nature, and then, they’d carry this skill into their adulthood.

But what if we have parents who never learned how to communicate-to-be-understood? What if our parents never had role models who reflected their upsets?

From what I’ve noticed, when this is the case, what we wind up having in our homes is a bunch of people in bodies both big and small, filled to the brim with way too many unreflected upsets, still communicating-to-be-heard.

And once those people in small bodies get a little older and a little bigger, if they’re still communicating-to-be-heard, instead of the adults running towards them to meet their needs, the adults are much more likely to run in the opposite direction.

And the sad part about this, is when these unreflected kids become parents and communicate-to-be-heard with their own kids, it’s their own kids who wind up “running away” by shutting down.

As much as parents love their children, when parents don’t have access to the skills that would help reflect their kids’ feelings underneath their behavior, their kids’ problems don’t get solved. They get worse.

And the parents might still think they’re doing the right thing by continuing to communicate-to-be-heard. After all, they’re simply regurgitating what they learned from their own parents: that when someone is communicating-to-be-heard, it’s their responsibility, and their right, to stop the behavior by communicating-to-be-heard louder.

But the blind spot is that these parents have forgotten how traumatizing that experience was, and they’re unable to get that they are giving their kids this same awful experience.

One method some parents use to stop big behaviors is by deflecting. By saying to their child what their parents said to them.

Things like:

Calm down.

Or, If you don’t stop, I’ll take something away that you love.

Or, What are you so upset about? I was only kidding.

Or, Lighten up. You’re too emotional.

Or, There’s something wrong with you.

Or, You’re never going to amount to anything if you behave that way.

Or whatever they can think of to stop the kid from expressing their upset the only way they know how.

And, if the kid continues to communicate-to-be-heard, some adults might go from deflection to protection, and even yell at their kid or hurt their kid to get them to stop, because their kid’s communicating-to-be-heard is so difficult for them to be with.

But here’s what I’ve noticed with those old-fashioned strategies:

Deflecting instead of reflecting creates disconnection instead of connection.

And when people go from deflection into protection, it gets even worse.

When people disconnect from their feelings and from each other in protection mode, they tend to explode—by getting really loud and scary—or they implode, by shutting down and becoming completely unavailable.

And when kids and parents get stuck in the cycle of communicating-to-be-heard together, everyone winds up stressed out. Which in turn causes everyone to continue communicating-to-be-heard.

Can you see what a messy cycle this is?

And then the people in this stressful cycle go out into the world and what do you think they do when they cross paths with other upset people? Do you think they’re going to be available to reflect and connect?

My guess is not so much, because their brains are already wired to deflect and disconnect. So then, even more people get left feeling dismissed.

There’s a whole lot of people walking around with upset feelings they don’t know what to do with.

We so badly want to be understood and reflected, but so many of us don’t know how to get this to happen. And we’re left isolated, secretly traumatized and full of various amounts of shame.

Next, enter school.

So we’ve got a bunch of stressed-out kids and adults and we’ve also got all of these wonderful school buildings in every town so that kids can go inside and learn something to help them have a bright future.

But how much time do schools devote to teaching kids the skills to communicate-to-be-understood?

Thankfully, some of them devote at least some time for this. But more often than not, at least from what I’ve seen, kids are being taught to communicate-to-understand math or communicate-to-understand someone else’s perspective that may or may not have anything to do with their own.

And though there are plenty of kids who do fine meeting these expectations, these other kids, who are already so stressed out, can’t cope at all with meeting these expectations.

And when these stressed-out kids are sitting at their desks being asked to figure out math problems instead of getting help figuring out the problems that make it so uncomfortable to be inside their skin, they are likely going to start communicating-to-be-heard simply because they don’t know what else to do... and more trouble begins.

And why does more trouble begin? Because many teachers aren’t trained to reflect their students’ upsets underneath their behavior. For all we know, they’ve never even had their own feelings reflected.

So instead of reflecting the upset, and offering support to help make meeting expectations easier and more of an opportunity, some teachers, even the ones who care so much for their students, feel obligated to stop the behavior using that old-fashioned strategy called communicating-to-be-heard.

So maybe they label the kid as an interruption or they give the kid a bad grade or they send the kid to the principal’s office.

And what does this accomplish? Yet more shame and disconnection and more shutting down.

When kids fail to meet expectations at home and also at school, and aren’t taught what to do with all their unexpressed concerns, thoughts and ideas—over time, I’d say it’s likely they’re going to assume their concerns, thoughts, and ideas just don’t matter. And at some point they may even decide they don’t matter.

And if kids feel they don’t matter, what does anyone expect will happen?

These kids who have no one to turn to will begin turning to the only coping mechanisms available to them.

Maybe they find other stressed-out kids and avoid their pain together by engaging in reckless behavior that feels so much more free and stimulating than the endless cycle of being misunderstood and dismissed.

Maybe some stressed-out kids inflict pain onto themselves because at least it’s pain they know for sure they’re feeling, and no one can deflect it.

Maybe some stressed-out kids become bullies and pick on the most vulnerable kids because they can’t bear to see anyone showing emotions without making sure those emotions get dismissed.

Or maybe some stressed-out kids bully themselves into complying with expectations because they don’t want their difficulties to make them seem less-than.

So how do we stop this big mess? How do we learn to communicate-to-be-understood when next to no one is teaching these skills?

Well, you probably already figured out the answer. We, have to be the ones to teach ourselves how to communicate-to-be-understood.

We, have to choose to stop the volleying back and forth and step forward into a new direction, into a new way of being.

That means even if we have no one in our life who has the skills to reflect our upsets—the stuff underneath our behavior—then we are going to have to practice reflecting ourselves.

And that’s where writing comes in.

Writing, at least in my experience, is a wonderful way to reflect one’s own concerns. And I don’t mean handwriting, if that doesn’t work for you. Keyboarding, voice-to-text, a journal entry, a song, a poem... Anything to get your experience out of your body and into the room your body is in.

Don’t know where to begin?

Pick an upset.

Write about the specifics of what happened and why it upset you. Remember, you have a right to every one of your feelings.

Your upset doesn’t have to be huge. Many of us are taught that something has to be literally on fire to count as upsetting. But as far as I’m concerned, anytime you’re feeling dismissed or deflected or you feel like you don’t matter, it’s upsetting.

So write the scene of what happened according to how you experienced it.

Make sure to describe the behavior you had in the moment of your upset, behavior that was either out loud or in private, and then ask yourself what was underneath that behavior that you didn’t have the skills to communicate.

Was it something from the past that triggered you? Was it a concern in the moment that triggered you? Something about the environment you were in, that stressed you out?

Remember that underneath every communication-to-be-heard is the desire to be understood and connected with.

Continue for a few moments getting in touch with all of your thoughts and concerns, until you feel understood and connected to yourself.

You’ll know when this happens because you’ll feel love for yourself or at least care a whole lot about what you’ve been through. That’s what’s meant by reflection. Telling yourself, “That was an awful experience and I can understand why.”

Next, write what you wish would have happened.

How would you like people to treat you?

How would you like to connect with people?

How would you like them to connect with you?

How would you like to be known?

What’s important to you when it comes to connecting and communicating with other

people? What’s important to you in your life?

As you write, you‘ll be discovering your own perspective. Which really means—how you see and understand life through your eyeballs, through your experiences.

Next, think about the behavior of the person who upset you. Try to imagine what was underneath their behavior.

Remember, many of us come from generations of people who’ve been left disconnected instead of reflected.

What do you think the other person would want to communicate if they had the skills to communicate-to-be-understood?

What would you say to that person if they were able to share this kind of communication with you?

You might find a bit of empathy not only for yourself, but for all these other people who communicate-to-be-heard, because you’ll realize they’re coming from a place of feeling dismissed. And for all we know, maybe they’ve never been reflected by anyone in their entire life.

As you continue to practice communicating-to-be-understood with yourself, you may just discover that you’re actually proud of your perspective.

And once this happens, you can begin using your voice to practice sending your perspective further out of your room and into your world.

Because once you realize that you matter and your perspective matters, you will start to come up with a lot of wonderful ideas. And because you no longer need to invest so much of your energy into communicating-to-be-heard, you will be able to use your energy to turn your wonderful ideas into reality.

And as you begin to share what you’re creating, you will begin to realize that your ideas and your perspective make a big difference to the people in your community.

And that’s what’s meant by communicating-to-be-understood.

Communicating-to-be-understood is a very new kind of communication for many of us, so even as you share your perspective and create more fulfilling connections with the people in your life, don’t be disappointed if some people are less receptive and don’t yet speak your language.

Communicating-to-be-understood doesn’t mean other people won’t frustrate or trigger you, either. It just means that when someone isn’t able to or willing to connect with you the way you’d like them to, you can remind yourself that their behavior is absolutely not a reflection of who you are.

It’s a reflection of what might be in the way of the other person’s listening, even if it’s the people in your own family who aren’t understanding you the way you’d like them to.

But regardless of who is or isn’t receptive to your communication-to-be-understood, you have the ability and the privilege to connect with yourself. And knowing that you matter, connecting with yourself will never feel like a punishment.

When we give up the volley of offense/defense that is communicating-to-be-heard, we create the space to communicate-to-be-understood.

It takes practice to get used to communicating-to-be-understood. In fact, I still have to practice every time I share myself with the people in my life and every time I write one of these pieces.

But if we stay strong, and committed, and most of all, true to our values and our perspectives, we can step forward and into this new way of being together, knowing that even when we’re having a hard time connecting, the majority of us really are doing the best we can in the moments we’re in.

-JLK

(This piece is one of many in my illustrated book for adults, Once Upon an Upset.)

So I lose a lot of things. Today, I can’t find my earrings or my favorite bracelet. I can’t even remember the last time I wore them. Thanksgiving? Who the f knows. So I’m looking everywhere. And I go into my “special things” pouch. And I’m digging around. And I notice my spare keys are all white. And I’m wondering… how could my keys have corroded in here?! And then, as I’m digging around some more, I notice that everything’s covered in powder! And then… I see the miniature urn I got so that I can always have some of my mother’s ashes near me. And… the cork is out. And I realize I’ve just been sifting around in my mother’s ashes. I can just hear her laughter. Fun times.

When overwhelm rises up in your body, do you feel helpless? Uncomfortable? Like you want to escape your body? Cope destructively?

For myself, I’m learning that this subtle, private, but all encompassing feeling of overwhelm is actually the experience of a younger part of myself.

It shows up as soon as something upsetting or unexpected happens. Something I’m afraid I’m not ready for. And the feeling sweeps me away into near panic.

When I pay attention to this helplessness, though, I realize it’s actually her helplessness, that younger version of myself, from when she had literally no place to go when upsetting things happened. When she was all alone, terrified, let down, with lots of needs and no idea how to meet them.

Here’s what I’m learning: I can make the leap from the past to present time.

And I can do this by *noticing* that feeling of overwhelm, instead of only feeling it. I can ask, “Whose overwhelm is this?”

Just by noticing, I suddenly see things through a different perspective. I notice the overwhelm and my anxiety about it, but from the perspective of my current self.

And from this place, I can begin to soothe that younger person’s overwhelm and anxiety.

I can ask her to tell me what’s happening from her perspective, what she’s feeling and what she’s afraid of, and I can validate those feelings and let her know that she’s safe. That I’m here. That I’ll never let us be helpless in a dangerous, unsafe situation again. That she can count on me.

By doing this, I’m meeting the needs of that younger version of myself who is still inside my body, terrified, even after all these years, by showing up as the person I’ve become.

It takes some getting used to, to reparent ourselves, or whatever name you want to call it. It’s a very different feeling from waiting to be picked up and no one showing up, versus showing up and picking up myself.

It requires me to remember one important fact: I have skills now. I have experience. I am not helpless. I am unabandonable. I am un-neglect-able. My body is a punishment-free and shame-free zone. And I have what it takes to meet my needs, problem-solve and survive.

By doing this work, I begin to feel the weight of myself inside of myself, grounding me.

Instead of fleeing my body and orbiting out in no-man’s land, calling out helplessly for someone, anyone or anything to give me substance, I remember that I’m in here, in my body, and that my presence is my substance.

And in here, in my body, I know what’s most meaningful to me, and I can come up with a plan to problem-solve by getting support and by being in action in a way that serves what’s most meaningful to me.

The overwhelm may return, again and again, but I can keep noticing it, returning to present time, soothing myself from this space inside of myself, and by making one small choice at a time in the direction of where I’d like to go.

-JLK

Humoring myself on this cold winter’s day…

You would have made a great therapist.

Oh, but l am a therapist! I'm just so busy treating myself, I haven't had time to fit anyone else in my schedule.

One way that sometimes helps me get along better with people, if I have the energy to spend, is to ask: “What’s most meaningful to you?” And then validate what they’ve said.

This question is a good way, in my experience, to begin connecting through our actual lived experiences, instead of arguing about what our lived experiences should or should not be.

We can’t change who people are, but when we open the space to listen-to-understand and validate what’s most meaningful to each other, we build connections instead of divisions.

And I believe this is how we actually begin to care about each other, and care about each other’s freedom, by understanding each other’s lived experiences.

And, the more we care about each other, the less likely we’ll be manipulated by those who play parlor games with their power by creating divisions instead of connections, people who could care less about any of us unless it benefits their agendas.

This doesn’t always yield positive results, but every time I’ve tried, I leave the moment feeling a lot more comfortable in my body, knowing that I made the effort to align my choices with my values.

-JLK

In case anyone’s in the mood for a little story…

Triangle Time

One morning, in a classroom, the teacher announced it was circle time. “Everyone gather for circle time!”

But one little boy refused.

“Come on now, it’s circle time!” the teacher said again.

“No,” he said, arms folded, standing solidly across the room.

“What do you mean no?” the teacher asked, not in the mood for any obstacles.

“I will only join if it’s triangle time. I don’t like circles anymore. Circles are my nemesis.”

The teacher sighed. She’d been up till 2am, obsessing about a friend who recently let her down. The dishes were still in the sink, waiting for her to get home. And this, was hardly something she had energy for.

“Well, then you come join us for circle time when you’re ready,“ she said, leaving the kid alone.

“I won’t be ready,” said the boy, standing his ground.

“Well, you can either join circle time or miss out on recess.”

“Hey,” one of the other kids said. “You know what, we’ve never done triangle time before! Come on, Mrs. Barker, that’s a good idea!”

Mrs. Barker sighed. What kind of message would this send to her kids? They might think their ideas should run the show every day, and then what?They’d fall behind on their lessons and she’d have no way to catch them up.

Suddenly all the other kids started assembling themselves into a triangle all on their own. She’d never seen them work so well together as a group. And that boy, that troublemaker, he was the leader, encouraging them, letting them know what a good job they were all doing.

“You guys are geniuses,” he kept saying.

“No,” another boy replied. “You’re the genius! It was your idea!”

The teacher stood back, watching, and couldn’t help but smile.

“Well, what do you think, Mrs. Barker?”

“I think you kids are amazing. I’ve never seen a more perfect triangle.”

“So what should we do next?”

Mrs. Barker had no idea what to do next. “Well, you kids seem to be full of good ideas today. Anyone have any suggestions?”

Every kid raised their hand.

“How about we each pick an animal and make up a song about it?”

“Yes, yes!” the other kids cried out excitedly.

And so the kids went around the triangle and everyone made up their own song or story about their favorite animal. A few of the kids even pretended to be the animal and acted out the story in the middle of the triangle as it was being told. Every kid took part, and every kid had a smile on their face.

The kids are making up their own lessons, thought Mrs. Barker, and quite frankly, it’s better than anything I would have come up with.

For the rest of the day, the kids got along, much more than usual, and they accomplished what needed to be done without being asked. And they all looked content.

“Can we do square time tomorrow, Mrs Barker?” a girl asked at the end of the day.

“Why not!”

That night, after Mrs. Barker got home home and did all those dishes, she had an insight: Letting kids lead creates connection and community, and lets kids see that their ideas make a difference. It doesn’t create entitlement. It doesn’t violate rules. It creates leadership and creativity outside of the old box. Maybe she could benefit from letting things go a little. And so she made some tea and climbed into bed, feeling more at peace than she had in a long time.

-JLK

If you grew up with dysfunction, make sure that you're practicing communicating-to-be-understood in your relationships instead of communicating-not-to-be abandoned. There's a huge difference.

In your one precious life, you deserve to be fully expressed as the most authentic version of yourself.

Who you are matters. Your boundaries matter. Your needs matter. And you deserve a safe space where these things are cherished.

-JLK

When people with fixed lenses have the most resources and power, it’s very dangerous. Bc they will believe that controlling others and forcing others to see through their lens is actually saving the world. Not just their world. *The* world. And they will believe that they are heroes.

With a fixed lens in charge, peace is only rewarded to people who subscribe to the fixed lens. That’s why people in power with fixed lenses feel like authoritarian regimes.

And innocent people who don’t fit into these people’s fixed-lens narratives get treated as enemies of their agenda, and they, along with their needs and their perspectives and good ideas, get discarded, or worse.

But people with fixed lenses won’t stop there, they’ll make sure to siphon all the resources directly into what serves their fixed lenses. And bc their lens aperture is so narrow, the vast majority of people, even those who share their fixed-lens agendas, won’t be afforded any of these benefits.

People with fixed lenses are people who lead with their unhealed parts. How could they not? After all, they are uncomfortable in any space unless they have designed those spaces to be free of anyone who might criticize them. They run on saving face and revenge.

But democracy is not authoritarian. Democracy is never starring one person or one fixed lens.

And democracy is not a business.

Democracy is doing the work to give voice to every lens. And figuring out all together how to collaborate and cooperate and make this world work better for everyone.

Every day, we’re constantly being asked to see through other people’s lenses.

And those who see through a fixed lens want others to also see through that fixed lens. The more agreement, the more power and control.

And when people with fixed lenses send out their agenda, they’re sent to the unhealed, fear-based parts of people:

“If you don’t see through my lens you’ll be deluded. You’ll be a sucker. Good people see through my lens. Strong people. Successful people. Even god sees through my lens! Not those poor saps over there! Look what ‘they’ve’ done to our country! Look what ‘they’ve’ done to you! Look what ‘they’re’ gonna do to your children! It’s time to take back what’s yours!”

Whichever way the people with the fixed lenses can access other people’s insecurity and offer security.

But for peace to exist, I believe we have to examine our fixed lenses and figure out how to merge our narratives.

Bc to me, the most valuable narrative is the one that includes the most lenses. And that includes all people, no matter their differences—bc all people have the same right as everyone else to live with peace and dignity and safety, along with access to the same resources and opportunities to reach their full potential.

The best thing about this country is that it’s for the people, not for the fixed lenses of those who want the most power; those fixed lenses that are incapable of understanding a picture of reality unless they’re front and center.

I hope so much that the rest of us won’t be fooled into subscribing to these fixed lenses of revenge. But that we can open up our own fixed lenses and join forces with each other and take the country back from these billionaires who can’t even do a good job pretending they have anyone’s best interests in mind other than their own.

-JLK

The purpose of our body has nothing to do with other people's opinions about it. Our bodies are the containers that let us have this experience of being alive. Our bodies contain everything we've ever received and everything we've got to give. Our bodies are our refuge. No matter what your body looks like or where it's been, your body is a miracle and more than worthy of the space it takes up. Your body is beautiful.

Your body matters.

-JLK

Embracing diversity…

It’s foolish not to embrace diversity.

Diversity is strength. You can witness this across all of life. In ecosystems, in agriculture. Wherever there’s diversity, life is much more likely to thrive.

Fear of diversity on the other hand, always leads to weakness and instability and missed opportunities for growth and innovation.

Fear of diversity demands using valuable resources just to prevent diversity, bc diversity is always the natural state of life.

Fear of diversity encourages violence. Bc in order to prevent diversity, people with differences are intentionally kept out of spaces and kept away from resources that make peace and health and opportunity and prosperity possible.

People who fear diversity often want to appear the most strong. But being the most powerful and strong isn’t natural. It’s an old archaic survival mechanism that modern human beings need to ditch for good in favor of more civilized behavior where we help each other to advance and take care of each other.

Being the most strong and powerful may be useful when there is a life or death situation. Like in the case of a fire or some other disaster.

But the death of an inflated ego is not an emergency. It’s an opportunity for the person with the need for the most power and attention to look deep within themselves and discover something that has a lot more value.

People who fear diversity do themselves and everyone else a disservice. Because standing alone and trying to keep others out is devoid of all the values necessary for a robust society to flourish creatively with great ideas, equal opportunities, shared resources, shared connections, kind and caring communities, good health and good humor.

-JLK

If you're feeling overwhelmed with way too many tentacles of worry flailing all around you—sometimes it helps to take a break from internalizing all the madness and chaos and send out some different kinds of signals: like emanating love, emanating peace, emanating compassion and good health and good humor, for ourselves and for each other.

Whenever I remember to try this, I feel the shift completely change the chemistry of my moment.

This certainly isn't a way to solve problems.

Or a way to avoid problems. It's a momentary respite, within which we can remember the things that build us up, and build from there.

-JLK

I need this reminder sometimes…

Never underestimate the power of healing yourself-of replacing internalized shame and blame with understanding and compassion, one thought at a time.

-JLK

People seeking revenge don't belong in leadership positions because revenge indoctrinates others who are also seeking revenge, and together, they wind up destroying everything in their wake, including themselves, and then talk themselves into believing that they've got god on their side.

To me, people best suited for leadership positions aren't perfect but they know that the needs of all people weigh a lot more than their own, and they make the effort to learn about people from all walks of life and figure out together how to meet everyone's needs as fairly as possible.

-JLK

To me, there’s a difference between an anchor and a blindfold.

To me, an anchor grounds a person to their values to keep them from getting swept away.

And a blindfold keeps a person from even having to deal with the fact that they’ve already been swept away—from their values, their true intentions, their regrets, their unresolved upsets and what’s underneath their need to be right.

It takes a lot of self-honesty to know for sure if we’re anchored or blindfolded. Whether we’re committed to taking a deep look at our thoughts and actions or whether we’re just invested in saving face.

-JLK

Random thought of the day…

Something that’s been helping me with burnout is having talks with myself out-loud in the middle of the night.

These days, I often don’t get to bed until 4 or 5am, when the middle of the night vibe is quite surreal.

It’s always been easy for me to disassociate in these sorts of moments and let my thoughts go all over the place, maybe catch the tail end of a few thought-fragments here and there and wonder, “Where the hell did that come from?” followed by a very unsettling feeling that I don’t bother getting to the bottom of.

So I started whispering to myself, asking myself how I’m feeling, how the day went—having actual conversations where I formulate my words in complete sentences.

Doing this helps keep me in present time, in my own body, and provides the space for my healed parts to listen and understand and then speak to my hurt or exhausted or confused parts.

It felt a little strange at first, but now it feels strange not to converse with myself. After all, the relationship I have with myself is my most significant. Can’t really connect authentically with others if I’m not connecting authentically with myself.

So I ask myself questions—Was I patient with my son when the moments were really difficult? Was I patient with myself? And if not, why? What needs of mine aren’t being met?

Maybe some memories rise to surface and I can ask myself, What was it like when I was my son’s age? What needs did I have? Did I have anyone to talk with about my needs? Did I feel like my needs mattered?

I’ve also been allowing myself to grieve a bit, not only for my own past wounds, but to grieve for the unhealed wounds and unmet needs that my mother suffered from.

In these middle of the night talks I also make sure to go through my day and find the victories. It doesn’t matter if they’re big or tiny.

Yesterday, my son wanted to go on a walk. That felt really good. At another point in the day, I actually stopped the whirlwind of what I was doing to moisturize my face. Make a green juice.

I make sure to really listen to these victories—bc these are things that remind me I’m worth caring for and worth celebrating.

And then I talk about my difficult feelings. Things I’m scared of. Things that aren’t working. And I let myself responded honestly. Give myself some love for what I’m going through.

Maybe call on some deceased relatives I’ve internalized to help me find insights, and to help me sift through which of my upsets have to do to with unrealistic expectations I internalized from the unhealed people from my past, and which of my upsets are calling to me bc they’re places where I’m ready to grow.

I’ve been feeling a lot more settled inside myself after these conversations. And feeling settled is a pretty new experience for me.

-JLK

If we want to be safe from other people’s judgments and never make a mistake or embarrass ourselves, we’d have to stay home and keep our mouths closed. And I’ve tried this. It’s not very fun.

Healing for me, is letting myself out of myself a little more everyday, instead of keeping myself so safe, that my safety feels like a cage.

Sharing ourselves is so important. Even those parts we’re not sure people will approve of. The truth is, we don’t have to operate under the gaze of critical people. We don’t have to let their stop signs become ours. We can believe in ourselves and in the value of what we’re excited to share.

In fact, I don’t think we’re meant to stay in our bodies. Our ideas, what’s meaningful to us, and our perspective—these are the very things that fertilize each other’s hearts, so that we can grow together.

-JLK

I try to remeber that the more we know about each other's lived experience, the more we'll care about each other. And the more we care about each other, the more peace we'll have.

When people are treated unfairly based on what someone who doesn’t even know them believes is true about them, it leads to dangerous dehumanizing.

And this behavior is the exact opposite of everything I’ve been taught by those who have been my role models.

Everyone has a right to exist and exist in peace.

(This illustration is a reframe for revenge and retaliation, both of which I find problematic.)

My Body as a Hospital

I was at my first silent meditation retreat when I realized I needed healing.

My entire body was filled with pain I’d been avoiding. I wasn’t sure how I would get through the retreat. I had no one to talk to and no one to help me.

That’s when I realized I had to think of something. So I decided to appoint myself my own nurse, and to think of my body as a hospital.

Because I was the only nurse, I had to do triage. And so I listened for the cries for help within me, and I hurried to the bedsides of all those younger selves and listened until they felt heard and soothed by my attention.

It was heartwarming at times, even hilarious at others, but mostly I wanted to do what I’d always done: flee. But I couldn’t flee. And staying put was not easy work.

For years I carried a lot of secret guilt and shame, but by the end of the retreat, I began to feel some release. I began to feel like I was whole—like everyone inside of me was becoming friends, like we were now part of the same team—with my current self as the leader.

I believe we can transform pain into understanding.

By giving our pain our listening and compassion, it can lose its weight and gravity and turn into something else, something that’s no longer held hostage by all the meaning we’ve given it.

These days, I’m unable to do retreats, but I do my best to create mini-retreats for myself in the wee hours when there’s no place to run.

I’ve amassed new younger selves, so there’s always healing to be done. And so I listen to the calls of pain within myself and then run to the bedsides of everyone I’ve been with all the love I’ve got.

Here’s an exercise I use to get back in touch with my younger selves:

Lie on your back late at night when there are no distractions, and begin to feel your body using the attention of your mind.

Start at your toes. Breathe naturally while focusing your attention on your toes.

Maybe a memory pops up. Maybe you have a memory of an old pair of shoes you used to wear. Where were you going in those shoes? Ask the kid who wore those shoes. Listen to the answer.

Oh, you were going to the drugstore to buy candy with your friend Stacy? (That’s what came up for me.)

Ask your body to tell you the whole story of what comes up. And listen.

Maybe that’s enough. Maybe you only want to scan one body part tonight.

If not, you can slowly scan another body part. Wait for a memory to pop up. Then ask your body to tell you the whole story.

The experiences and feelings of our younger selves are still within us, and in my experience, those younger selves love storytelling. They still want to be heard.

When we take the time to be open to those parts of ourselves, those parts of ourselves will speak to us.

Have you ever asked your body to tell you its stories?

When’s the last time you spent time with your knee? Or your calf?

Your body isn’t just a vehicle to get you from one place to another. It’s a library.

It’s got stories to tell.

-JLK

So many of us have been healing from authoritarian upbringings, from having been raised by inflexible caretakers who were so sure they were doing the right thing by holding us to their standards, but who never took the time to connect with us and understand our contexts and our perspectives before seeing us through theirs.

The way I see it, everyone has a point, but what’s also true to me, is that the most valuable points have the widest apertures, bc they’re willing to make room for other people’s points too.

There are authoritarian politicians walking around with these same blindspots on, thinking they’re saving the world without asking the people who live in the world what they need saving from.

And if politics is just another word for figuring out how to meet everyone’s needs in this experiment of civil society, I think honoring the autonomy of every individual—honoring their voice and what’s important to them—should be the precursor for this to happen.

With that in mind, to me, a good politician would never govern through an authoritarian lens, and never espouse a narrative based on their perspective alone.

A good politician would be a master juggler—listening-to-understand and revering all people’s perspectives and getting together with all people to ask what having their needs met would look like instead of assuming they already know.

I’m very cautious when I hear politicians trying to control the narrative by making policies aligned with their personal perspectives, whether or not it represents the perspectives of those who these policies impact.

It reminds me of those toxic people I grew up with, people who wore their unwillingness to grow like a badge of honor, who cared more about their need to be right and their need to dominate spaces rather than making the effort to connect with other perspectives until those other perspectives widen their own.

So if I’m creating boundaries to protect myself and my home from those authoritarian people from my past who never had any interest in honoring my perspective or my autonomy, it makes sense to me that I’d also do my part to protect this larger home I live in, this country, from authoritarian people who also have no interest in honoring the perspectives or the autonomy of so many of us who live here.

-JLK

(Leaving Cleveland is my new memoir, now available to pre-order. “A brave and honest memoir.” —The BookLife Prize

And Once Upon an Upset is my illustrated collection of stories, essays and reflections. “A Personal Bible on Authenticity... One of the most thoughtful, well-written, beautifully illustrated books I’ve bought.” —Amazon review)

You never suck it up. You talk it out.

And talking it out can be done internally, with yourself, or by finding or hiring a someone in a position to be a good listener with skills to authentically reflect, relate and validate, not fix, shame or make wrong.

-JLK

If you grew up neglected, boundaries might be really difficult to create.

I think this might be bc neglect can feel like a boundary—not a chosen boundary, but one that keeps all connections away.

I put myself in harm's way so many times bc I couldn't wait to escape that boundary of neglect.

I wanted closeness and connection—anything outside that boundary I felt stuck inside.

Healing for me has been to recognize that true boundaries are not jail cells. They are fluid, like an energy shield. I can choose when and where to place my boundary and when to lift it.

And most importantly, I get to recognize that being alone is no longer a punishment. My own company inside my body is a refuge, not a cell.

And I no longer need to seek something extra outside of myself to feel whole and complete, bc I recognize that I am whole and complete within myself.

And from this safe space within myself, I can choose to connect with others, and from this safe space within myself, I can choose to protect and preserve myself whenever something feels not right.

Creating boundaries is an act of caring for ourselves. And this can be a huge shift if you grew up feeling like no one ever really cared for you.

-JLK

(My new memoir, Leaving Cleveland, is now available to pre-order. If you’re interested, links are in the comments.)

I’ve always been interested in the difference between the forest and the trees. I can remember being little and hearing this expression and trying it out on a field trip.

By the bus, I saw the woods. The woods looked kind of scary. They looked ‘over there.’ And yet as I got closer, the woods got closer, until I was inside them and they were suddenly nothing like the way they looked from the bus.

Once inside, the forest was no longer. I was among the trees—each one unique and full of its own life and surroundings.

There was bark and leaves and creatures and moss. It was a different world than ‘the woods.’ One I could only understand once I was in it.

Once in the woods, I didn’t have to be afraid bc there were no woods separate from me anymore— there was only this experience among this stuff inside the woods, and I was also among these things.

I realized once you enter the space of something, you become part of it.

There’s meaning in being part of things that you cannot discover by being on the outskirts looking in. And once you leave, you bring the experience with you and it expands your mind and your heart.

When I was little, my mother was a night club singer. Her piano player, Richard, was gay. He was my idol.

Richard used to share with me the wisdom from his heart. He used to tell me, “Never be afraid to share the things that inspire you, never be afraid to be who you feel you’re meant to be.”

He wasn’t telling me to be gay. He was telling me to have the courage to express myself completely. That I mattered enough to share who I was.

He and his partner John lived in this magnificent penthouse and they’d have these fancy parties from time to time where men would dance with men, or women. It didn’t matter.

I loved every minute of it.

My mother would dress me all up and I’d eat all these wonderful hors d'oeuvres and listen to the fabulous music and Richard would set me up with art supplies and I would be in charge of making art for people to enjoy. And people would stop by and tell me what a talent I was.

I didn’t have many positive experiences in my life back then, but I loved getting to be part of this incredible world. And I remember wanting so badly to share it with the people in my life, and so I did, at show and tell one afternoon, and then there was trouble.

Because my teacher had only seen gay people from the woods view, she imagined that my attending these parties wasn’t something safe for a kid to get close to, and certainly not a thing to share at school.

And so she called my parents and then my father called my mother to tell her she was using poor judgment bringing me to such places.

And when my mother told me what happened, I was so upset. And she said, “Honey, people don’t understand what they don’t know. And what’s worse is when they don’t want to understand what they don’t know. So sadly you’ll have to keep what you see at these parties to yourself.”

It’s impossible to make an accurate judgment about the woods if you’re not going to experience what it’s like to be among the trees.

People want to judge the woods and protect themselves from it. I get that. But they are missing out on the diversity of perspectives.

People who are gay or dress in drag or have gender identities that don’t neatly fit into the binary are not new inventions. They are like everyone else, part of the diversity of life.

There are always going to be groups or people ‘over there’ but if you get a little closer, what you’ll discover once you’re among them, is that they are not what you thought they were. They are simply people like you trying to make the most of their time here as best and as authentically as they can.

-JLK

When I was 8 or 9, my mother was really struggling. She had no money, no job and no support, and she was paranoid about the reasons why this was so.

She wasn’t functioning well and at some point, she refused to leave her bedroom.

One night, I’d had enough. I was lonely and scared and I called my father to ask if I could move in with him. And he said ok.

When my mother found out, she was so hurt. Back then, all I could see was her anger. I remember she was crying and yelling, saying how I was abandoning her just so I could have more Chinese food and other things that my father could afford.

And I remember feeling so ashamed of myself.

What I didn’t realize back then, was that figuring out how to have my needs met wasn’t selfish or greedy or something to be ashamed of.

It was my right to figure out the best way to get my needs met so that I could feel safe and not constantly in survival mode.

Eventually, my mother became addicted to pills and alcohol as a way to cope with her circumstances, many of which weren’t her fault. And I was there for her as much as I could be, whenever she needed a place to stay or needed to be found after she went missing.

But after my son was born, I’d had enough.

My mother wasn’t there for his birth. And thought I was more or less ok with this—she’d been in survival mode her entire life and I was used to not having a mother who showed up, unless she needed me.

I remember my son was still an infant when she called me in one of her desperate states. And I was holding him in my arms while she was asking in hysterics to move in with me.

And I remember looking at my son’s sweet innocent face and thinking of all the times my mother had been in my house and drank all the booze and blacked out and had to be rushed to the hospital. And I did something I’d never done before. I said no.

She didn’t like that I said no. And she continued begging. Telling me she’d die if I didn’t let her move in. But I still said no.

She went downhill fast after that.

And when my son was 4, she passed tragically in her apartment all alone after dialing 911, bc the dispatcher couldn’t locate her address in Florida on time, since her phone was on my account in New York.

Perhaps if I knew then what I know now, I could have supported her more. Perhaps I could have figured out another way to get her needs met while I was learning to meet mine and my son’s.

But as it was, I was a new mom, doing the best I could to care for my son, while learning to heal my own wounds that I never really knew existed.

Recently, I was agonizing about all this with my therapist. Wondering if I’d made the wrong choice. Wondering if I’d have let her move in, if I could have finally saved her.

And she said, “Jess. You chose yourself when you were 9 years old. And it was ok that you chose yourself. In fact it’s amazing that you chose yourself at such a young age when people kept inadvertently giving you the message that you didn’t matter. And it was ok to choose yourself and your son. This was not being selfish or greedy. It was you making the only choice that worked for you bc you knew in your heart that you and your son deserved a safe space to live, without so much drama.”

“It’s ok to choose yourself.”

This felt so profound for me to hear.

Yes. It’s ok to choose yourself.

If you were neglected throughout your developmental years, choosing yourself may feel very selfish and greedy, bc maybe being a good kid meant being there for your caregivers and letting them know that you chose them over yourself.

Sometimes parents who are still wounded kids in adult bodies can imagine that their own kids are the ones who will finally save them or give them the experience that they matter and that their perspective matters.

But this isn’t ok. It’s not a kid’s job to save their parent or stick by their dysfunctional parent’s side.

Only when we choose ourselves can we care for ourselves, and realize that we matter enough, so that we can begin to feel whole and complete within ourselves, and be in a position to share ourselves, pursue our interests and be present enough to meet the needs of our own kids.

So if your needs and wants were constantly viewed as outrageous or selfish bc your caretakers wanted your focus on them instead, you might have learned to squash your needs bc you learned that having wants and needs is a sign of being a terrible person.

You might feel you have to sneak your wants and needs so that no one finds out you have any. Or just forgo your needs altogether and silently resent everyone.

Choosing yourself doesn’t mean to only choose yourself. But if we don’t choose ourselves first, we might be looking our whole lives for other people to choose us first.

And not only will this be a perpetually disappointing experience, we’ll also miss out on the experience of what life looks like when we choose to be here for ourselves.

-JLK

I remember when my mother became completely unhinged. She was in her 40s. And for years after, she wound up in behavior health units across the country.

I vividly recall listening as doctors and nurses from multiple hospitals would explain their diagnoses: schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline, depression, panic disorder, etc etc—no two doctors ever had the same diagnosis. And they’d prescribe some drug or another that they hoped would help ease her symptoms better than the drugs she’d been self-medicating with. And then she’d get discharged and the cycle would repeat.

I knew back then that the doctors and nurses seemed disconnected to some vital truth about what my mother and those like her were going through. I just didn’t have access yet to what this vital truth was.

But I do now.

You see, from what I’ve noticed, every human being is born with a vessel meant to safely contain the world’s bullshit. But some people wind up with way more bullshit than they can contain. And the symptoms of this bullshit overflowing from their vessel is often misdiagnosed as mental illness.

But what it is, in my opinion, is the body’s reaction to a societal illness, where day in and day out people are expected to be cogs in machines that just don’t work for them.

Whether they’re trying to operate inside the machine of their family of origin, or their school or workforce, whatever—these people are asked to labor, day in and day out, to support systems that have never supported them.

And so the cog begins to burn out from running and running but getting nowhere. And eventually, the cog runs out of fuel. And bc it has no other resources, the cog usually goes to those same systems for help, and what do those same systems suggest? They suggest a protocol which they believe will help the cog to function better inside these same systems.

And yes, many of these cogs, worn out and haggard, do get the bold idea to abandon these old machines, and try to find or create new ones. And though some may catch a break, many others, for varieties of reasons, find themselves rejected.

And cogs on their own don’t tend to work so well. Especially when they’re weighed down by so much bullshit. And so the cog begins to suffer. To feel lonely. Unproductive. And the cog begins to doubt itself. Doubt its purpose.

And the cog falls apart.

And maybe some other cog finds its pieces

all over their living room floor and calls 911 and they get rushed to the hospital where they get medicated with some variety of glue that’s supposed to help put themselves together so that they can try yet again to work better.

But sadly, these kind of cogs rarely work better inside machines that aren’t built to support them.

One day, we’ll have doctors who see people like my mother and instead of diagnosing her, they’ll ask a bunch of questions and diagnose her environment, diagnose her family of origin, diagnose her school and her workplace and then work together with the person to figure out why those old systems never worked and figure out what new systems might work better.

Systems where people can use their natural skills and talents to be a contribution. Bc that’s the thing about people who don’t operate well inside these old machines—they have different skills. Unique skills.

My mother was the most brilliant woman I ever met, with a heart of gold. If she’d been given an opportunity to be part of creating a new way of doing things, I can assure you, it would have been a system that everyone would have benefitted from.

-JLK

On The Side Of Survivors…

Once, when my mother was destitute, ashamed and miserable, a dollar away from homelessness, she called this wealthy man she’d once dated. A married man who’d once been madly in love with my beautiful mother, back in the day when she imagined she was on the path to all her hopes and dreams.

Though he looked like a distinguished businessman, this man was shadier than he seemed. He made his money in the pornography world—and not the sex-positive end of it—but through the objectification of people to serve his own means to an end.

And though my mother was never involved in any of his business, he sent her money when she needed it.

On this occasion, he’d been in Florida at some convention when my mother called, asking for help. But instead of wiring cash, he asked to take her to dinner.

My mother was in no position to be seated at a table in a restaurant. She was too hungry and too fragile, withdrawing from the alcohol she drank to protect herself from the panic and terror that had become her life.

But she needed the money, so she rigged herself as best she could to resemble the woman she’d been before the world squeezed her out of it, and she took a bus to the restaurant.

After they greeted and my mother began explaining her dire circumstances, he interrupted to insist that what he had to say was far more important.

And what was it?

That she try on something new he was making all sorts of money from—a pair of vibrating underwear.

And there she was, my poor, poor mother. Depleted. Harrowed. And yet still with a soul more intact than his, enough to realize the metaphor of life before her—the pyramid scheme of human devouring human under the guise of civility; these pictures of success, walking entitled through the world, smacking their lips, waiting to appreciate the cultivated flavor of someone’s last shred of dignity.

And my mother, not in any position to assert boundaries beyond her indomitable spirit, put those undies on and sat back at the table, knowing he had a remote that he could use as he pleased to amuse himself, while kindly offering her a ticket to laugh along with the spectacle at her own expense.

My mother’s body, enduring yet another person’s mistaking it for a prop, waiting till the show was over so she could leave with his pocket change, stop on the way home for a bottle of something strong enough to fuel the incentive to call and tell me the story of what happened, the story now told properly, so that she was the golden star and that fucker, the one who was destitute, completely devoid of all those treasures that one can only find in the nuance of a moment.

And we laughed together because we understood the perverse depravity of the functional world, and our laughter was our purification from the bits of it that had stained us.

Our shared understanding afforded us that larger perspective of life, where the costumes are blurred and everyone in all their various states of decay are just passing through.

But even so, that night, I cried.

I cried because it all seemed so damn unfair, who gets to survive and who gets to thrive.

And I promised myself, from that moment on, that I’d be on the side of the survivors.

That whenever I see someone who looks the way my mother so aptly described herself, like an empty old worn-out wallet, I will not discard them. Or reach in and see what might be there for me.

I’ll hold my agenda. Swallow my knock-knock jokes. And tend to the blazing soul before me that still wants to shine. That still yearns to be held in someone’s reverence.

Whenever you look hard enough, you will see it. It will stop you in your tracks.

-JLK

(This is a piece from my book, Once Upon an Upset. It came up in my memories today.)

Earlier I had a thought—that we’re all wounded, but that our wounds are different.

Some people’s wounds heal in their environments and through their routines that are a match for their skillsets and processing styles.

And some people actually get more wounded from their environments, bc their different skillsets and processing styles make functioning in these environments nearly impossible.

So to me, maybe the kind of support we need is not so much focusing on the person with the wounds, but focusing on which parts of the person’s environments are opening up their wounds. And figuring out how to adjust their environments so that they’re more conducive to support healing.

An example of this is the time my sweet boy finally wanted to go on a roadtrip.

He was so brave. And he handled the drive like a champ. Yes, we had to change rental

cars bc the first one had a scent through the vents that was unbearable, even to me, but we solved that problem and we were off.

From there, we had some good moments. All was calm. We even had some great laughs.

And then… we got to the hotel, and the environment immediately opened up my son’s wounds, big time.

First they gave us the wrong room key.

Then once we finally got in, we noticed a “subtle” alarm. Where it was coming from was hard to tell, but with the cement ceilings and walls, the incessant beeping was hell. Even for me.

So my son’s wounds were open and quickly becoming infected. He was holding his ears. He was expressing his pain in the only way he knew how: “I have to get the fuck out of here! Now! This place is murdering me!”

Now some families might say, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Or worse.

But to me, these strategies are violations—a set-up for tolerating environments that open our wounds and lead to lifestyles that we have to survive instead of feel safe in and thrive.

So what I told my son was that right now, we’re in survival mode. But that I’m going to get us to a better place. I promised him we’d be out of there within the hour. And I let him know that while I was making phone calls, I needed him to temporarily cope as best as he could.

And bc he trusted my word, he was able to occupy himself.

I personally find it very difficult to stay focused in these situations. In the past, it was even worse. I’d have to wonder—will I also have to manage my husband’s wounds in this situation? Will I have to be everyone’s fucking bandaid here? Fuck this!

And the disappointment would open my wounds and sap my focus and energy.

But over the years, I have learned to use my voice as the leader of these situations. To trust that I know what’s best to get my son to an environment that will heal his wounds, not infect them.

And perhaps bc of this, my husband and I are now mostly a great team in difficult moments.

He knows how to soothe himself and he prefers, along with me, that I be the one to figure out how to problem solve in these kinds of situations.

And he takes on that role in different circumstances that his skills are better suited for.

So I got us a room at a hotel that my son was more familiar with. And when we arrived, the woman at the desk was an angel. I had already overshared my situation on our phone call, so she gave me a hug the moment we hobbled in.

And up in the room, my son was so happy.

In fact, the rest of the trip went so well, even I was surprised. He even thanked me for organizing it.

And I truly believe it’s bc I don’t subscribe to the idea that it’s a form of entitlement to have our needs met.

That, to me, comes right out of the Authoritarian Playbook—where people subject themselves to intolerable situations and muscle through day-after-day bc that’s what they’re supposed-to-do, and then call it grit.

On the contrary, when I know my needs matter, I can use the energy that might have gone towards suffering and resenting my predicament towards creating circumstances that are more aligned with what’s meaningful to me.

And by doing so, I notice I feel a sense of dignity and a sense that I’m honoring myself and what matters to me.

And bc of this, I care more about other people’s needs and I try to be a healing presence in our shared environments instead of someone who inadvertently opens wounds.

And this is what I want for my son.

It’s difficult to have the kinds of wounds that our environments only make worse.

It’s difficult as a parent to still be healing my own open wounds while simultaneously having to make effort I don’t often have to create environments that heal instead of harm my son’s wounds.

But I just give whatever “my all” happens to be on any given day. Sometimes that means just the bare minimum. And that’s ok. Whatever it takes to not make the wounds worse.

Much love,

JLK

Everyone has a right to live their most authentic life and not be bullied or restricted bc of it.

It is the height of arrogance for someone to assume that just bc a person lives or loves differently, that their experience is less normal or less legitimate or wrong.

-JLK

When I used to teach writing, I had a student who was always very quiet. My goal in my classes was to create a safe enough space for everyone to share themselves authentically.

It was supposed to be an academic writing class but I didn’t care about grammar or academics.

I knew I’d probably be fired if I didn’t teach what I was supposed to teach but I trusted my feeling that these kids needed a different kind of space, a space to share what no other space had room for.

So I invited them write about whatever they wanted to write about and I told them they were not allowed to concern themselves with spelling or punctuation.

I told them that anyone could learn those things. But only they could express their unique narrative.

It was a cathartic semester. Each class ended with the kind of hugs and smiles that come from the experience of being known and appreciated and connected with.

I heard stories that were beautiful, heartbreaking and tragic. But one of my greatest heartaches came from the girl who finally spoke up.

She told the story of her father, the best dad in the world. A man who helped her with homework, cooked all her favorite meals, worked overtime to make sure all her needs were met, told her every day what a remarkable person she was and to never forget that she deserved everything the world had to offer to make her dreams come true.

He had risked his life to get into this country and was working towards figuring out how to get citizenship. But then, in one moment, their whole world changed.

He had double parked to run inside a deli to pick up sandwiches for himself and his daughter and when he got back, the police were there, asking for his license and registration.

Once they realized he was undocumented, he was held in this country for awhile and then, he was deported.

His daughter never saw him again.

And she walked around with a broken heart and with the deepest of sadness that she lived in a world that cared more about rules than love.

Rules are rules, some people say. But rules mean nothing when they go against the values of nuance, compassion, love and understanding.

Rules will never hold meaning as much as people’s narratives, and our narratives can only be accessed by people with enough bandwidth to be willing to put aside their own to understand the narrative of another.

We all admire people who break the rules to honor values like love and compassion and connection. So many Americans wear the punishment of one of the holiest rule breakers right around their necks.

And it’s all fine and well to have role models who have died bc of their commitment to stand for and support the narratives of others, especially the most vulnerable among us, no matter the cost to their comfort.

But in my opinion, at least for me, it’s more important to embody this. To never subscribe to the kind of rules that violate the values of compassion and human dignity and family bonds. Rules that would celebrate sending that father to his country of origin instead of cry that it happened.

And quite frankly those in charge of the rules? I sometimes think they climb that ladder just so they can make sure the rules don’t apply to them.

I hear that this new administration will be rule-oriented. Not to uphold any constitution that has been evolving to include the narratives of people who now have voices that weren’t heard when it was created. But to invent rules that will uphold their own narrative at the expense of the narratives of the lives they intend to dismantle.

In these days of advertising agendas, they will put fluorescent lights around their narrative to give it the most attention, and to prevent room for nuance.

And a lot of people will follow the rules, maybe bc rules help them feel safe, like they belong, or maybe bc no one cared about their hopes and dreams so it’s time to return the favor. Who knows.

But what I value and what I teach my son to value is to never, ever overlook the sacredness of an individual’s narrative and blindly obey the rules of someone who only cares about their own.

-JLK

I’ve been trying to form words to represent how I feel today, but I’m still figuring it out. So in the meantime, I thought I’d share these words that I wrote last year, when I was feeling similarly...

Unhealed people don’t make great leaders bc they have a talent for bringing out the unhealed parts of others.

Unhealed people don’t make great leaders bc what they’ll always be fighting for underneath their agendas is their need to be right and to get the agreement of as many people as possible.

Unhealed people don’t make great leaders bc although their voices might sound confident, what they’re most confident about is believing that whoever isn’t on their side is their enemy.

Yes, we all have unhealed parts. But not all of us lead with them.

It’s the healed parts of people that make great leaders bc they bring out the healed parts in other people.

It’s the healed parts of people that make great leaders bc it’s their healed parts that understand that not only do they matter, but everyone else matters too, no matter if they agree with what they stand for or not.

And it’s the healed parts of people that are flexible enough to build bridges of understanding between their own ideas and the ideas of other people so that they can meet in the middle and discover solutions that work best for everyone.

It’s important to have great leaders who lead from the healed parts of themselves, bc only the healed parts of ourselves are creative enough to build a future that doesn’t look like a replica of the past.

-JLK

So many of us disassociate.

Long ago, we left the moments we were in bc they were so unpleasant.

We instead went inside ourselves and created scenarios for a better future that we’d one day have.

But when that future arrived, many of us were still so used to disassociating, we missed it.

And maybe we found a way to go back to the past and figure out what went wrong and reframe it and begin to heal.

But to heal, we have to be present.

We have to associate ourselves as real and as belonging inside the moment we’re in.

But to do that, we have to make the present moment safe and joyful enough so that we want to live in it instead of escape it.

And we need support from each other to make this possible.

I truly believe that the most important picture to honor is the littlest picture—meaning, whoever is in the room with us right now, virtual or literal.

And to heal this littlest picture, I think we need to be willing to understand each other’s lived experiences—the healed and unhealed parts of our personal narrative—until reverence for ourselves each other replaces judgment and suspicion.

Sometimes I think the world is traumatized in so many manifestations of the word, and so many of us aren’t even here bc we’re coping through disassociating. And those who crave control capitalize on that.

In my healing, I try to remember in every moment of every day, that people matter. Not what others say about people, but what people say about their own lived experience. And to believe them.

I believe when we make the effort to learn about what’s meaningful to each other instead of assuming we know, we’ll begin to care more about each other and feel safe enough to join the present moment together and build a shared lived experience that works better for us all.

-JLK

I no longer seek guidance or accept guidance from those who do not understand my lived experience.

My circumstances as a parent are unique, and therefore, to see my circumstances through the lens of someone who has never experienced my circumstances seems pretty ridiculous to me.

I could spend time to explain my lived experience so that someone else might actually get the world of it. And sometimes I do.

But I have learned to conserve my energy and invest it into myself and my family where it can make the most meaningful difference. And in the process, I can focus more on trusting myself and growing from where I am.

This doesn’t mean I’m rude in the face of guidance given to me by someone who doesn’t get the world of my lived experience.

It simply means I nod and say thank you and understand that most people’s intentions are to help and fix based on what they know to be true.

And then, on my way home, I chuck their out-of-context guidance right into the nearest recycle bin.

-JLK

I remember once being in the car with my mother. We hardly saw each other unless one of us was in a dire situation and needed the other’s help.

This was one of those times I was in the dire situation. We were in my car and I was feeling so caged inside myself. Instead of sharing myself, I’d begun to talk myself out of saying anything, which always made me feel even worse.

And my mother said to me, “Where are you Jessica?! Where’s my little firecracker who lived to dance and sing and exclaim and laugh and share insights. Where did you go?”

“I’m buried,” I said. “The world doesn’t seem to care what I say. So I guess I stopped caring too.”

“Well guess what, Jessica. I’m going to do some vocalizations with you so that we can heal this problem right here and now. This is what we’re going to do. I want you to say with all the gusto you’ve got:

‘I no longer give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me. I’m going to express who I am loud and proud no matter what!’”

“Really mother?”

“Say it.”

“Fine. ‘I no longer give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me. I’m going to express who I am loud and proud no matter what.’”

“That’s a start Jessica. But you can do better. Much better. Let’s take it from the top. And this time, I want to hear that voice coming from your depths. Reach down and bring out who you are!”

“Ok. ‘I no longer give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me. I’m going to express who I am loud and proud no matter what.’”

“I don’t believe you! Again!”

Over and over, I said the line until I felt tired.

“I believe it now, I think.”

“No you don’t. Keep going.”

After l don’t know how many times, I finally started laughing and crying all at the same time. “It’s true,” I said. “My voice matters.”

“Thank fucking god,” my mother said. “You never turn down your self for anyone. You never do the world a favor by disappearing or being a watered down version of yourself. Do you understand me? You be you. After all, you’re the only one who can. So if you’re not going to be you, my dear, no one else will. And I can’t think of many things more sad than that.”

So if you’ve been hiding lately, maybe it’ll make a difference for you like it did for me, to exclaim:

“I will no longer give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me! I’m going to express who I am loud and proud no matter what!”

-JLK

It can take so much effort to care for yourself in a world that sometimes doesn't seem to recognize that you even matter.

In case you need a reminder:

You are absolutely worth caring for yourself.

-JLK

I think when people get used to controlling the narrative, they forget that others also have a narrative.

Not only do they forget this, but they experience life through the notion that their own narrative is actually more in touch with reality than anyone else’s lived experience.

Many people live their whole lives like this and people adore their narrative bc it’s often eloquent and confident and charming and wise.

After all, these people spend a lot of time understanding the world through their narrative, so it’s well thought out.

And this works out very nicely.

Just until someone challenges their narrative and says: “Hey, wait a minute! You know, I was kind of convinced that your narrative was the only narrative, but I’ve realized now that it wasn’t. I realize now that my lived experience actually matters too! And through my lived experience, through my narrative, I realize that your actions caused a lot of harm!”

When another person’s lived experience challenges the ironclad narrative of a person who has never been challenged, all hell tends to breaks loose.

Bc the person with the ironclad narrative has never invited anyone to edit what they “know” to be true... and so they experience this new edit of their narrative as a violation, even if this new narrative is suggesting, with evidence, that their actions violated another and caused irreparable damage.

Still, the person with the ironclad narrative will cry: “Oh no no, they are deluded! They are mistaken! Please, you must believe that this new narrative couldn’t possibly be right! Oh no no no! What they are claiming is not what happened according to my lived experience, so therefore, their lived experience couldn’t be real!”

At this point, the ironclad person has a choice: To pry open their rigid narrative and make room for a new one, or hold on to the one they’ve cultivated and be buried under the weight of it and maybe get some oxygen from others who also refuse to let in another narrative than the one they’ve invested their agreement into.

People tend to trust what they believe is real.

And some people refuse to let go and consider that life is a web of a multitude of lived experiences and narratives, and yes, each one is valid to certain degrees. But the people who are willing to make room for these multitude of narratives have the most value, bc they inevitably care about more people than only themselves and those who agree with them. And bc of this, they make the world a safer, more creative space for more people to thrive.

Whether it’s a writer or a politician or a parent or an executive or a doctor or whoever. To me, whenever people refuse to let go of how things are according to their lived experience and refuse to consider the lived experience of another, they will never know the whole picture of what’s real. But they sure will believe they know what’s real.

“I wasn’t a rapist, that’s not how it happened! I swear!”

“I wasn’t an abuser! That’s not how it went down!”

“I’m a good guy! I’ve helped so many people!”

“I’m a good Christian! I pray every night! And Jesus loves me!”

“I’m a patriot and everything I have ever done is to serve my country!”

“I was a good parent! I was there the whole time!”

“I know exactly what you need to get better. I’m going to help you!”

“Oh come on. That’s not ADHD, you just need to make more of an effort!”

On and on.

People get so shocked when they learn that someone whose narrative they trusted turned out to be an unsavory person in the narrative of another.

But I truly believe that these ironclad people have no idea how they appear in anyone else’s narrative other than their own.

That’s the blindspot.

And yes, I guess that’s what makes it so dangerous—bc when someone holds on so tightly to their ideas of what’s real, even when someone else is clearly showing them another perspective of the same picture, people get hurt.

And even more so when these ironclad people are in positions of power that impact others.

Sure, the origin story of people’s ironclad narratives are probably born from some trauma or another, but that certainly doesn’t justify the traumatizing of others.

But I do believe healing is possible, when we’re willing to listen-to-understand each other’s lived experience and do whatever it takes to keep each other safe.

-JLK

One thing that took me so long to realize, and I still forget all the time, is that low-demand parenting isn’t just about our schedule. It’s about me. It’s about shifting my relationship from constantly thinking about what my son should be doing and/or constantly worrying about what my son should be doing to creating more pockets of stress-free space where connection and healing can begin. Which oddly begins with soothing myself. And giving myself my own time and love and understanding when I start catastrophizing. To find out what it is I’m afraid of and what needs of mine aren’t being met. And then to look around at where I currently am and notice something that I find meaningful instead of evidence that I’m a failure. And I remind myself: The future can’t be paved by skipping over where I am. I have to build on what’s meaningful right now. And sometimes my son reminds me. Like the other day when I overheard him talking to a friend online: “Bro, things can be good or bad, depending on what you’re looking for.”

-JLK

Just because you’ve never felt it doesn’t mean it’s not real.

Thinking about OCD, ADHD, PDA, depression, panic, sensory sensitivities, etc etc…

I have learned to trust people’s lived experience and be willing to learn more about who they are so that I can hopefully make their life less stressful instead of more stressful.

Like many parents raising kids who process uniquely and find standard environments too stressful to function in, I have discovered how often throughout my own life I squashed my own authentic experience bc I knew no one had enough compassion or time to take me seriously.

I was like an undercover agent—aware of my authentic experience that I actually felt grateful for, and then in standard environments that were stressful for me, I had my on-stage role, where I became skilled at playing every part that I knew would be welcome.

And I kept the rest, mostly the stuff that caused me pain, to myself.

And I never got support bc of this.

And now, even though my son resists all supports, I try as best as I can to stop everything when something causes him to suffer so that he gets to know that his experience matters, and he gets to know that I know it’s real. And that he never has to pretend for me. (Which of course is not easy and I’m not always successful at being calm and stress-free in these moments.)

Sure, I am teaching him the skills to function in these standard environments—bc to me, these are important skills that will keep him safe and empowered in the world—knowing which behavioral wardrobe to don in which different environments.

And I’m teaching him to be critical of these standard environments that often lack the kinds of flexibility, open-mindedness and encouragement that are necessary for creativity, collaboration and innovation to exist.

But most importantly, I want him to know that there is space in this world for his authentic self, to not only exist and blossom, but to make a valuable contribution and to also thrive in meaningful relationships.

And I also want him to know that it’s his right and everyone’s right to receive quality support for anything that’s not working for him, so that he can gain skills, healthy coping strategies, self-understanding and self-compassion instead of silently muscling through life in secret pain.

-JLK

Once, someone got so out of sorts bc I took awhile to get back to them. And we didn’t even know each other. At this stage, I see most people’s behavior as trauma responses, and so I just try to soothe the pain if I can, if I’m not in too much pain myself lol.

So I wrote her back and apologized and validated her feelings and she was so beyond grateful. It was as if no one had ever acknowledged her feelings before.

I don’t take things at face value anymore. I take them at heart value. And sometimes you’ve got to scoot away the stuff that’s in your face to get to the heart.

-JLK

This might sound really morbid and weird. But sometimes, when life is too much to handle and I can barely cope, I wait till everyone’s sleeping and I climb under my covers and pretend I’m dead. And then while I’m lying there “dead,” I imagine I’m visited by helpful spirits. Kind of like my own version of A Christmas Carol. Except each of these spirits validates what I’m going through and shares ideas and guidance and anecdotes for how to make my life work better. Sometimes they make me laugh, sometimes I cry. And at the end of our session, I get to remember that I’m not really dead. That I still have life left to live—a chance to make changes and a chance to also appreciate what’s already so.

-JLK

This idea that we're supposed-to-be a certain way creates shame, every time we imagine we're not living up.

But if you really take the time to look inside yourself and notice the incredible, dynamic, multifaceted person that you are right now, it would fill you with such appreciation for yourself, that there wouldn't be any room left for shame.

How could there be?

The only time it's possible to access shame, is when you forget to access yourself.

-JLK

I was thinking of turning this story into a picture book next year. Thought to share…

The Heart-Phone

a story about connecting with our loved ones who have passed

A little boy used to talk to his grand-mère on the phone every day.

She used to call him Mr. Octopus and he called her Mrs. Octopus.

But then one day she got sick and went to heaven.

They have phones in heaven. But you have to answer them in your heart, and it takes a little practice to get good reception.

But once he figured it out, the little boy could call whenever he wanted and his grand-mère was always right there.

One afternoon, in the car, the little boy felt really sad. Too sad to use his heart-phone.

His mama noticed his frown through the rear-view mirror.

“You ok, hon?” she asked.

“I miss Grand-mère,” he said softly.

“Aw, honey,” his mama said. “I hear you. Why don’t you call her on your heart-phone?”

“Can you call her on your heart-phone instead?” the little boy asked. “And tell me what she says?”

“Of course,” his mama said.

So his mama dialed the boy’s grand-mère on her heart-phone and relayed her words so that he could hear:

“Hello, Darling,” his grand-mère said. “It's your Grand-mère here. I'm so glad you asked your mother to call me. Because I have something I need to talk with you about. So I want you to listen to me very carefully. Can you do that?”

“Mm-hmm,” the boy said.

“Good. Because I am now your guardian angel, I happen to know a lot about you.”

“You do?” the boy asked.

“I do. And I know that you're upset because a lot of people in your life have died.”

The little boy looked down and nodded.

“And I have also noticed that a lot of times, as soon as you begin to enjoy things in your life, you stop, because you get scared that the people you love are one day going to be taken away. And so you get sad and you get involved with your screen instead of with things that are real.”

“How did you know that?”

“Like I told you, honey. I know a lot of things. And I know that you don't like when people die. Not very many people do. But do you know the worst thing you can do?”

“What?” the little boy asked.

“The worst thing you can do, is be afraid to live.”

“Ok,” sighed the boy.

“I know it's a lot to take in, that life doesn't last forever. But the purpose of life has never been to be here forever. We are here to blossom and to share our blossoms with our loved ones. And in this way, I will always be part of you, right here in your heart. And you can visit me whenever you’d like.”

The little boy nodded.

“But the most important thing I want you to be sure about, is that you are alive right now. And it's your job to celebrate that with the people who love you. And it’s your job to be nurtured by all the wonderful things that life has to offer so that you get to grow and blossom.

“We each have our time to blossom. But some of us are too scared to let it happen. Please don't be scared, my sweet grandson. We're all here in your heart rooting for you—me, along with all of your ancestors. Even the ones I'm not particularly fond of. But the more important point is that you only get to be you once. And I don't want you wasting too much time being sad.

“Ok,” said the little boy, wiping his tears.

“But whenever you do feel sad, you know what to do. You call me on your heart-phone. Or you tell your mother to call me on her heart-phone. Remember, I'm always just a heart-phone call away.”

“Ok. I love you Grand-mère.”

“Oh honey. I love you too. So much.”

After the boy’s mama hung up her heart-phone, the boy felt a lot better. “Life is sad sometimes,” he said to his mama after a minute or so.

“It is, honey.”

“But I think the reason it’s sad is bc there’s so much we love about life. And we don’t want those things to go away.”

“I think you’re right. You’re smart to have thought of that.”

“But I think Grand-mère is also right. We will always have what we love right here in our hearts. And we can keep visiting what’s in our hearts and sharing what’s in our hearts with the people we love.

“That’s very beautiful, honey,” the boy’s mother smiled, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Can we get ice cream now? Grand-mère just said on my heart-phone that ice cream would be a good idea. I think I’ll get her favorite flavor—butter pecan.”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

The End

-JLK

Some things I have learned so far:

Trying to control my son’s behavior does not create connection. And at the end of the day, connection means the most to me.

When my son’s method of coping with a moment is not aligned with my method of coping with a moment, it creates such a conflict of interests.

Sensory seeking meets sensory avoiding and damn if that doesn’t just spark the chemistry for a conflict.

But in these moments, I find that I must bite my tongue instead of trying to stop his behavior using those old survival tactics that were role-modeled to me, like making threats or shaming or using a loud voice—to try to make the environment less stressful for me.

What a lack of reasoning our survival selves use! Trying to create less stress by creating more?!

In such moments, I find it best to bite my tongue and survive with coping strategies that really do de-stress the moment.

I put in my ear plugs and I busy myself with my own interests. If it’s late and my son’s having a hard time and needs me, I soothe myself by reminding myself that life can be painful and it can cause worry and anxiety—and often, there’s nothing at our disposal that works to get rid of it.

So, since I’m the parent, to me, this means that in the face of these highly stressful moments, I need to role-model compassion and acceptance-right-now.

Maybe I say something like, “I get you’re having a hard time. I get that it’s not fun. If you’re not sure what you need, I’m not sure what I can do for you to ease the discomfort but I’m here with you. And I care.”

Honestly, in these agonizing, stressful moments, it’s often not even for him that I make an effort to be my more healed self.

It’s a gift for my tomorrow self.

Bc I know my tomorrow self really well. And she only feels peace when she knows her connection with her boy is strong. And she feels really, really awful when the self that she was in those stressful moments chose reactivity instead of acceptance.

My tomorrow self could care less about what people might say about my son’s behavior or our lifestyle choices or his neurology or their concerns for his future.

My tomorrow self knows that all of that out-of-context stuff comes from a playbook that’s not based on our reality.

It’s based on a reality that our society holds as the standard fare and inadvertently asks us every moment of every day to compare what we we’re doing in order to see if it lines up.

But the curriculum of our reality doesn’t resemble the curriculum of the standard fare. Right now, ours is learning about acceptance, about compassion, about our interests, and about the humor and brilliance that comes from expressing ourselves authenticity. And it’s about being willing to listen, support, validate and connect authentically with others.

It’s about pursuing our interests and contributing the best of what we’ve got, not putting the best of what we’ve got on the back burner and contributing what others insist we should be doing instead.

I ask myself a lot: What am I preparing my son for?

And my answer is: I’m preparing my son for a future where he gets to be himself and be proud of who he is.

Will it be easy?

It already isn’t.

Are there guarantees?

There already aren’t.

Would I rather have connection than strife as we navigate this unpredictable path?

Yes.

Do I think my son will be more likely to try things out and learn new skills and grow in his own time in an environment that’s as stress-free as possible and accepts him where he’s currently at?

Absolutely yes.

-JLK

In case anyone needs this reminder today…

If you’re exhausted but you don't think you did much, don't forget that many of us run obstacle courses in our minds all day long—dodging unpleasant memories, leaping towards opportunities, being held back by constrains from the past. Tripping over what someone said that triggered us so much it felt like we were allergic to their words. Running in circles trying to remember what the hell we're doing. Projecting ourselves into the past, projecting ourselves into the future. Trying to figure out how to feel ok, how to feel safe, how to feel beautiful and worthy and how to forge connections that feel authentic. Do you know how many miles all this stuff takes? It's an ultramarathon. No wonder you're exhausted!

-JLK

I like to imagine that I have an elevator in my body. It escalates and de-escalates.

It’s been my habit to let other people and circumstances press my buttons, but it’s not been my habit to notice what floor my elevator is on.

I feel the best when I’m on the center floor. I feel aware and calm and clear enough to make choices based on the healed parts of myself.

But when my needs aren’t being met, I tend to wind up in my basement, where I feel depleted and depressed and all alone.

If I feel panicked, I tend to escalate fast, and often wind up on my own roof. And if I stay up there long enough, I tend to blow my top. And blowing my top isn’t always something others can see. My top can also blow inward. Which isn’t very fun. When this happens, I often plummet very quickly in my elevator, all the back down to my basement.

The good news is, that just by noticing where my elevator is, I immediately wind up on my center floor.

And from there, I can ask myself what it is I need and make choices to help myself meet those needs or find support to help me meet those needs.

So if you tend to get exhausted by all the places you travel to in your body everyday, you might find some relief by noticing what floor you’re on, and noticing what it was that pressed your buttons.

And once that noticing takes you back to your center floor, you might also find it useful to discover that you also get to press your own buttons, and take yourself to where you’d like to go.

-JLK

My mother passed so unexpectedly that I had to do a lot of the healing of our relationship through her spirit. Whether or not it was actually her spirit or the actual spirit of her that I internalized didn’t seem to matter. It was profound for me.

Something l've been noticing is that hope is fueled by movement.

When we stop moving, hope is lost.

Bc there's nothing fueling it.

So keep moving. Even if it's just lifting up your arms to give yourself a small hug. That's enough to start with.

And from there, move a little more in whichever direction you think might meet your needs. And see what happens.

-JLK

An exchange with my son, the new teen:

Me: Did you hear what I said?

B: Yes, I have obtained this knowledge.

I remember once reading a story about a young man and his spiritual teacher. I can’t remember any of the details, so I’m going to really paraphrase here…

So one afternoon, this spiritual teacher gave his young student an assignment:

“Find the right spot for yourself in this room,” he instructed.

“Find the right spot? You mean, where I’m supposed to be? In this room?” the student asked.

“Yep.”

So, the young man began trying to find this right spot.

He sat in one spot in the room, but it didn’t feel right. Then another spot, but it didn’t feel right either.

Over and over he tried, but nothing felt right.

After awhile, he began to over-think and worry that he was going fail, and that he didn’t have what it takes to do the assignment the way it was supposed to be done.

Then after another while, he got so frazzled and tired, he decided he didn’t even give a flying fuck where his spot was.

At this point, his spiritual teacher stopped the lesson. And he said something like: “I am now going to tell you which spot was the right spot. Can you guess?”

“No,” the young man said, despondently.

“The right spot, is whichever spot you deliberately choose. And the reason this is the right spot right now, is simply bc you are making this choice right now.

“You see, whichever choice you make is the choice you make. And, by committing to this choice right now, you are committing to whatever consequences there may be.

“And bc of this commitment to your choice, you will find empowerment in your choice.

“Even if you have anxiety in the background, if you anchor to your commitment instead of to your anxiety, you will stay grounded instead of feeling flustered and unsure.

“So, if you pick the spot by the door, then you make that spot yours. And if the ceiling falls on your head, then it is what it is, and you have more information to make a more informed choice later.

“But, if you keep trying different spots, again and again, wandering around and around in your life like a deranged chicken, trying to figure out which is the “right” choice, you will never make any deliberate choice.

“You will be like a little leaf blown by circumstances—whooshing up into the air with every strong gust, and then settling back into stability once fair weather returns—always nervous of what’s to come and always wondering what you did wrong whenever the wind blows.”

The gist of this story really stuck with me. Of course, I’m still a deranged chicken from time to time. But it does give me a lot of relief to remember that the choice I make right now is the right choice for me right now, until I have more information or more experience or some new opportunity that gives me more options for new choices to make later.

-JLK

Reminder to myself and whoever else needs it…

Parents have bad days. Maybe none of your needs are being met and you're running on fumes and your kid comes lunging over, demanding that you meet their needs right now… and in that moment, you just can't believe the audacity of your circumstances.

When we’re depleted and stressed, it can be so hard to remember to be careful what we say to our kids.

It might only take a second or two to lash out with hurtful words we don’t even mean, but those words can reverberate long after they’ve been said.

But even if you do lash out, fear not. Set aside your regret, take a deep breath, and remember that you can repair the damage. Starting with yourself first.

Give yourself some love and appreciation and recognize how tough it is to be your most healed self all the time when there are still so many hurting parts within you.

Sit with yourself for a minute and remind yourself that you’re worth being proud of. That you’re doing a great job.

Then give some of that love and appreciation to your kid and let them know that they’re also doing a great job, and let them know how much they matter to you.

Because healing words can also reverberate long after they’ve been said.

-JLK

Affirmations aren’t always positive. They can be observations that we repeat over time:

I’m so alone.

Nothing ever works out for me.

I’m a magnet for unhealed, blindspotted people.

And though our observations may be valid, when we keep affirming these things, we may keep finding evidence that these things are the only things that are true for us.

Shifting our affirmations so they’re aligned with what we *want* to see can be a powerful thing:

I’m part of this world. I belong here.

Things are beginning to work out for me.

I’m becoming a magnet for compassionate people who enjoy communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand.

It’s not magic. It’s adapting to a new perspective. It’s trying out making some different kinds of choices that are aligned with this perspective and seeing what different kinds of results begin to show up.

And we can support each other as we practice, and share with each other the new things we begin to notice.

-JLK

I used to think that if I healed, I'd no longer have these parts of myself that cause me shame, pain and embarrassment. I thought my awareness would disintegrate them all and I'd be free.

What I realize now is that the purpose of my awareness is not to disintegrate these parts of myself I'm not proud of, but to integrate them. And to give these parts of myself my love, understanding and compassion.

-JLK

Three awkward moments I thought about today:

Awkward moment #1:

A conversation with my mother from years ago, back when I moved out of the city due to panic attacks, and relocated to a less stressful place in a rural area:

My Mother: Tell me how your day was. Did you finally get out like I told you to?

Me: I did.

My Mother: And where did you go?

Me: I drove to Vermont, to this little health food store.

My Mother: Sickening.

Me: You’d have actually liked it there. They have all sorts of things.

My Mother: Well, that actually sounds like fun.

Me: It wasn’t fun though. It was mortifying.

My Mother: Oh no. What happened.

Me: Well, bc I’ve been so isolated for so long, I felt completely unaccustomed to being in a store. I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t even remember why I was there.

My Mother: Oh, darling.

Me: I was so nervous and self conscious. And everything was so loud and bright. But I forced myself to get some things. And so I got a cart. And I start pushing it around the store, but it was so small, it was hurting my back to push it.

My Mother: What do you mean?

Me: Well it was a health food store so I figured they made the carts small so you wouldn’t fill them all the way. To conserve food or whatever. And so I’m wheeling it around bending over as best as I could and next thing I know, this guy who works there says to me, “Did we run out of adult carts? I’d be glad to find you one.”

My Mother: Oh you poor thing.

Me: Yes. There I was, out in public, pushing a kids’ cart through the health food store.

My Mother: (laughing) Oh Jess, what did you do?

Me: (laughing) I just about died. I was so embarrassed. But I muscled through. I paid for my things and then I sat in my car for a whole 30 minutes questioning my mental and cognitive well-being. And then I drove home and boiled beans.

My Mother: Oh Jess. I’m so sorry, honey. But I want you to be proud of yourself for getting out of the house.

Me: Ok.

My Mother: And I want you to give yourself a fucking break.

Me: Ok.

My Mother: You did nothing wrong. The only thing you did was give us something wonderful to laugh about. And laughter, as we both know, is the best medicine.

Me: I agree. I just hope there’s nothing wrong with me.

My Mother: There is only everything right with you. You just need to get out in the world more often, Jess. And you need to figure out how to enjoy the parts of the world that are enjoyable and how to avoid the parts that aren’t. You’ll see. You’ll get the hang of things again.

Me: Ok.

My Mother: Do you believe me?

Me: I do. Thank you.

My Mother: And please stop thanking me for being your mother. Jesus Christ.

Awkward moment # 2:

Once I hired a Foley artist to create special effects for a live performance of a radio play I wrote and directed. I picked him up from the airport and once he got into the car, he took a good long look at me and said: “You photograph well.”

I waited for him to say something more. Something that would give me another way to interpret what he’d said. But he said nothing more. And I had to be in the car with him for another hour. Longest drive of my life. He made pretty good footsteps for my radio play though.

Awkward moment #3

When I was about 10 years old, I was with my father—we’d just come out of a restaurant where we’d had breakfast. Outside the restaurant, my father stopped in his tracks and said, “Oh my god, look, those people are stealing our car!”

Immediately, I saw a woman and her child trying to open the door to my father’s blue Honda Prelude. And in a flash, I decided that I was going to save the day.

Without hesitating, I ran over to the car and I said, “You get out of my father’s car right now!” And the lady kind of stared at me in shock, shielded her kid so her kid didn’t see me, and then hurried into the car and drive away.

I was so confused. And when I looked back at my father he was covering his face, but I could see his mouth was wide-open, in shock. And that’s when I realized it wasn’t his car.

He felt so awful that I’d thought he was serious. And there I was—thinking I was gonna be a hero. And ever since, before I intervene, I make sure to double-check that I’m not going to make a fool of myself first.

-JLK

The morning of New Year’s Eve, I was thinking how I’d like to create more opportunities for adventure this year. And then, that very afternoon, my car broke down! And, one of the mechanics at the shop quit, so there’s only one mechanic left and he may not be able to fix it for weeks.

I am more present than I used to be of my role as the meaning-maker of my life. And yet, it’s such a finicky role, bc it’s based on *my* meaning, and there’s no proof for *my* meaning in anyone else’s meaning.

It’s based on what’s meaningful to me—things that I’ve developed through my awareness, my convictions and interests, after a lifetime of being told that things which originate from me aren’t really very meaningful at all—that true “meaning” is based on what other, more qualified people have decided is most meaningful. (Which was the belief system my caretakers used to get me to comply with their expectations, whether I found them meaningful or not.)

As for my car breaking down, I’ve grown to the point where I can see many boulevards of meaning I can make here:

The “nothing works out for me” boulevard. The “hmmm this is interesting timing” boulevard. The “I guess maybe this month should be for focusing on releasing my new memoir and also working on my next book” boulevard. The “well, my son will be happy to stay home instead of being bothered by my trying to enroll him in any of my so-called adventures” boulevard.

To me, though, the most important thing about being the meaning-maker of my life is being willing to step into that role, not as an authority figure or as a taskmaster, but as whoever I choose to be for myself in this role: as someone who’s flexible enough to see my circumstances in ways that honor who I am with compassion and understanding, as someone who’s willing to see my circumstances as potentials for opportunity, and maybe even as someone who can see my circumstances through a bit of humor and/or beauty.

As the meaning-maker of my life, I can also feel sad or angry or worried or anxious. Bc feeling my feelings about my circumstances, instead of dismissing them, helps me to understand what’s meaningful to me.

I can ask my feelings questions: What was I looking forward to doing with my car?

Maybe my sadness can join up with the problem-solving parts of myself and come up with a great plan for an outing once my car is fixed.

It’s empowering to remember that I can choose what kind of leader I want to be for myself in my life. And to me, the main job description as the leader of my life is being the meaning-maker.

Sure, I can learn from others about what’s most meaningful to them. I can learn what people have internalized from our collective society as to what should be most meaningful to us all.

But for myself, I have realized that to honor my own autonomy or agency or whatever word you want to call it, all I need to remember is that I have choices when it comes to what meaning I’m going make of my circumstances.

And just remembering that I can make these choices on a moment-to-moment basis feels empowering. And every time I choose to give myself compassion and create my own meaning, I pave my own boulevard, instead of traveling on someone else’s that may or may not take me to where I want to go.

-JLK

Sometimes things feel so out of control with my son and I just want to yell or shame or negotiate them back into shape. But that never works.

The only thing I know that works is to accept the shape of the moment, and then look at the things around the moment that might be squishing it into that shape, to see if some of those pressures can be loosened or even let go of.

Maybe it’s an expectation, or a conflict of interest. Or something that happened earlier that I didn’t think was a big deal but he did. Or something I thought was a big deal but he didn’t.

Whatever it is, whenever I remember to let go of it, I’m able to sink underneath my reactions and theories and give myself over to the moment, just by being inside the space of it with him, just as it is and isn’t.

It’s so uncomfortable at first.

But once I’m inside the moment, and I’m part of the shape of the moment, I always realize there’s no other shape it needs to be right now. I’m just in it, as it is, together with him.

And because of that, we can begin shifting to a new moment, together.

-JLK

What do you do when someone speaks confidently about something they lack first-hand experience with?

I thought of this when I scrolled past someone’s post about OCD.

“I’m going to hold meetings for people with OCD and when they take a look at my house they’ll start to clean!” it said.

And in the comments: “Send them to my house!”

One person chimed in: “That’s actually not OCD.”

And the response from poster? To be defensive. “It’s a meme. Lighten up.”

The reason I find this problematic is not only the dissonance it creates when someone turns something serious into a joke simply bc they lack any lived experience with it. But bc of the hypocrisy.

Bc if the poster scrolled through a post jokingly objectifying something that caused them pain in their lived experience, I can guarantee they wouldn’t appreciate the humor.

It’s hypocrisy.

So many of us are walking around in glass houses without even realizing that we haven’t closed our blinds. And then we get upset when someone points out what they’ve noticed inside.

Defense and saving face may seem like the right thing to do in these uncomfortable moments, but I’ve learned from experience that it prevents gaining access to other people’s contexts.

And gaining access to other contexts always expands perspectives and creates new connections so that more people care about each other and can connect authentically—which are the ingredients that create the kinds of conversations that are naturally imbued with real humor that everyone involved finds amusing.

It’s hard to scroll by posts like this, when your lived experience with OCD and your loved one’s experience with OCD is so intense and scary at times.

It feels icky to have one’s biggest hurdle in life turned into a meme, even when it’s plainly coming from a mindset that is only able to access their own context on the subject.

But as we all know, ignorance, though it intrinsically has no value, can cause a lot of inadvertent damage.

To me, humor that uses other people’s pain as a prop, knowingly or unknowingly, is the least imaginative kind of humor.

And turning what’s sensitive to others into a joke and asking these people to buy a ticket so they can laugh along at their own expense lacks awareness and emotional dexterity.

There’s no real laughter or heart in this.

It’s merely the chemical reaction of a field of vision that doesn’t exceed the circumference of their own reality combined with a refusal to gain awareness and understanding of anyone else’s.

Not much different than someone throwing garbage innocently out the car window while singing along to their favorite song and refusing to consider that they’re part of the pollution.

And the result?

People build fortresses around their contexts so that no one can mock them and this yields dangerous results. Bc their lived experience becomes even less accessible. Which means less support. Less connection. Less spaces to be seen and heard and understood. Less spaces for these people to contribute the enormous gifts they have to share.

I see this happening all over. People mocking what’s important to others instead of recognizing the potential we all have to hold space for multiple contexts all at the same time.

And I can’t see our society lasting if we aren’t willing to enter the realm of each other’s contexts. Otherwise we may all turn into vigilantes, avenging our own contexts bc no one seems to give a shit.

To me, if we are to create peace, we can only do so by extending grace to all contexts, especially to those who’ve been given the least airtime in our collective awareness.

-JLK

I bought this housecoat on Amazon. Something to make me feel less in my pajamas since I stay home so often to support my son. I thought maybe it was stylish. But this morning, my mother, who was always so elegant and put together, manicured and pedicured to the day she turned to ashes, visited me. And she said, “Jessica, I had to cross 3 universes and 17 portals to reach you, so I want to make sure you hear me loud and crystal clear: Never wear that hideous thing, ever again. It is a white flag waving with each step to the gallows of your soul. I didn’t go through what I went through so you could dress to be depressed. So get rid of it. And go find something that sparkles and shines as much as the brilliant spirit you were born to caretake.”

My son asked his friend, “How long have you been alive?" instead of "how old are you" and I think this is the most beautiful reframe.

-JLK

Thinking about the long term consequences of punishing our kids…

I was constantly grounded as a teen. Especially when I stuck up for myself.

Each time I found the courage to express my concerns, feelings and upsets, my grown-ups turned furious. “How dare you disrespect our authority by saying that!”

And my punishment for ‘talking back’ was always the same: Being deprived of community and companionship by being grounded in my room, all by my horrible, shameful self.

And I would feel so tortured being locked in my room that I would want to apologize and admit I was wrong just to get some love, even though I knew I wasn’t wrong, and even though I knew that their love felt wrong and abusive.

It was simply the only connection that was available. And I needed whatever connection I could find.

Now, how in the world does anyone think that this teen is going to be able to have healthy relationships as an adult, when she equates expressing her big concerns and feelings as a possible gateway to being punished and banished?

And it’s true. For years and years, expressing my upsets gave me tremendous anxiety. “Am I about to lose security and love by expressing this thing that’s upsetting and important to me? I’m amazingly good at pretending, should I just pretend I’m ok with this and save my true self for journaling?”

Sounds funny, but that’s what I did. I lived in the pages of my journals. And I’m not saying this is entirely bad. Living anywhere is better than living nowhere. But living in my journals out of fear that I wouldn’t be accepted in the world was not a source of empowerment. It was me coping the best I could.

For years, I did whatever I had to do to keep the peace so that I wouldn’t be left alone.

And I learned something interesting—it wasn’t only my stepmothers and my father that had trouble being with other people’s concerns and feelings. There were a whole lot of other people who also seemed threatened by these things.

And I began to wonder why.

Was it bc so many of us were walking around with unresolved upsets and concerns that had never had an opportunity to be understood and validated?

Had many of us come to the same conclusion: that feelings and concerns are threatening to our sense of self, and therefore we need to protect ourselves from them?

To upgrade this mindset, I now make it a priority to find the courage to practice communicating my feelings and concerns out loud as an opportunity for others to understand me better. And I do this knowing that I’m now an adult and unabandonable.

And I do my best to listen and validate the concerns and feelings of others without feeling threatened.

But most importantly, I make it a priority to be a safe space for my son to communicate his feelings and concerns, so he always knows that his concerns and feelings matter and deserve to be heard and validated, not punished.

-JLK

I have a teenager! My son is officially 13! Hard to imagine. Sadly, he won’t let me share his photo, but he’s very tall with wild hair, a huge heart, doesn’t hesitate to speak out against injustice and discrimination of any kind, loves his friends, is always open to learning new things about different kinds of people no matter who they are or where they’re from, he can be soft-spoken if he’s just met you, but I keep a jar of earplugs nearby for those times when he’s fully expressed and comfortable being himself, and he’s pretty funny too. So proud of my son.

I notice so much of my energy gets wasted comparing what I’m doing to what I think I should be doing. This is the software that my past installed inside me, so it’s hard to reprogram. But I think it’s important to spend my energy installing new software based on self-exploration and self-appreciation rather than spending my energy feeling like shit and then trying to avoid feeling like shit by coping in unhealthy ways.

With support, we can encourage ourselves and each other to operate from this new software. It’s possible, and we’re worth the effort.

-JLK

Instead of beating yourself up for not being who you think you should be, encourage yourself to be the authentic version of who you already are.

“Excuse me, but you dropped a piece of your mind back there…”

—a random voice I plucked from my mind’s stream of rambling while I was doing the dishes.

Years ago I named it Rilk: the random meanderings and associations of my untethered consciousness. It’s where I get a lot of my ideas and a lot of my associations—some lead to stories, some to insights and laughter, and other times, the Rilk leads to painful memories and embarrassments.

But every once in awhile, I hear a kind but impish soul who seems truly interested in helping. “Yes, Dear Rilkish Spirit, I do believe I did drop a piece of my mind back there… though I fear it may be impossible to find at this point! I am, however, doing my best with the mind I have left.”

A very short story written from the perspective of a 10 year old boy…

When I was 3, I used to go visit my grandpa. Man, he had these incredible treasures all over the place. My mom told me they were trinkets but back then I didn’t know what a trinket was. But I knew a treasure when I saw one.

On all these little shelves were all these shiny glass turtles, tall shiny giraffes with faces that looked almost real, glass boxes that opened and closed—I could hardly wait to see what was inside—all of them right at eye-level, which I assumed meant that the old man set them out just for me.

But the weirdest thing kept happening.

Every time I touched one, my grandpa would come speed-walking over. But instead of smiling like I was, and wanting to talk all about the colorful glass fish that I was in the middle of swimming around in the air, he’d say, “Don’t touch! No touch!” Real stern-like.

So I thought to myself—maybe this means he has something better I can touch, so I followed him to his chair by the tv and I realized, “Ahhh the remote control! That’s what he wants to show me! Wow! He’s not kidding! Look at all those buttons, would ya?”

And so I grabbed it from his hands and started press press pressing and he did that face again. This time louder: “No! No! No touch!”

And this time I knew he was mad. But, I still didn’t understand why. So I just stood there all confused, and cried. That’s when my mom picked me up and took me to a private room.

“Why won’t grandpa share his toys,” I asked.

My mom laughed and hugged me. “You’re right, baby. He doesn’t want to share, does he. I think it’s because sometimes, grown-ups have toys that break easily.”

“But I was going to be careful!” I said.

“I know you were.”

“Well he shouldn’t keep his toys out if he doesn’t want to share them,” I said. “That’s what you always say.”

“You’re right.”

“I guess grandpa’s mama didn’t teach him that lesson.“

So from then on, I have to be honest, I wasn’t too excited to visit my grandpa. There were just too many rules to follow and one thing I’ve learned about myself is that I can remember a lot about different species of birds and squirrels and a lot about my favorite video games, but I do not remember rules.

So when I go over to his house, I just make it simple for myself. I sit on the couch and I wait till it’s time to go home.

But now when I do that, my grandpa thinks there’s something wrong with me. I heard him say something about it to my mom last time we were there. Because she’s right, I don’t miss a beat. I hear everything.

And he said, “I’m concerned about him. He’s like a shadow of his old self. He doesn’t seem as wild or excited about anything. He doesn’t want to connect… Have you made an appointment for him to talk with someone?”

And I saw my mom’s face get so upset. I really thought she was gonna cry. And I wondered what she was going to say next… if she was gonna tell him the truth or not. I really really wanted her to tell him the truth. And thankfully she did.

She said, “You know what? Since he was little, you’ve expected him not to touch this, not to touch that, not to be too loud, not to run… so the reason he just sits there is because you’ve made him so nervous to be here, that’s the only thing he feels he can do without being scolded!”

My grandpa didn’t like hearing this. Not at all. His face turned into that same angry frown. “I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head. And he went back to his chair, and I gave my mom the look like, ‘Can we leave yet?’

Not that I don’t love my grandpa. I do. But sometimes, I just need to get out of there so I can breathe a little easier. And she nodded, and we did.

-JLK

Holidays can be difficult for many of us. Especially when we’ve recreated who we are on our own terms, but our families of origin still stubbornly speak to who we used to be, or to who they are, instead of being curious about our growth.

So I thought I’d share this old conversation with my mother who passed unexpectedly in 2016, back when I was just learning how to create boundaries.

My mother on the other hand loved her boundaries. She went through hell to completely recreate herself, and she burned just about every bridge that led to people from her past in order to protect who she was becoming.

I’m not quite that way with my boundaries, but when I’m with other people, as a former people-pleaser driven to gain love via approval, it can still be challenging sometimes to remember that I’m ok with who I am now and that really, I don’t need anyone’s approval.

My mother could be pretty fierce. But she could be so funny. And I miss so much how I could call her whenever I felt triggered and that I could always count on her to make me laugh, even though she was a bit rough-around-the-edges.

An Old Pep Talk With My Mother After I Was Triggered By Something Someone Said To Me:

My Mother: Jessica, how many times must I tell you—if you’re allowing other people to hurt your feelings, your feelings were already hurt. So let me ask you this: Are you just a giant vagina waiting to be fucked by everyone?

Me: No.

My Mother: Well, then. You're going to have put things in their proper place. Here’s where they go: Other people exist over there outside of you, and you exist inside of you. And you never allow toxic behavior inside you. If you still have hurt parts, it’s your job to heal them, not anyone else’s. But you also need to give yourself a fucking break. You’re going through a sensitive time. You're alone in the woods, your dog just died, and you’re not thinking clearly. Why else would you go and look for approval for what you're doing in life from someone who is never going to give it to you?

Me: I guess I just don’t like that he thinks that way about me.

My Mother: Well, guess what? You can't control what other people think of you. Can he control what you think of him?

Me: No.

My Mother: That’s right. So stop looking for standing ovations from other people and look in the mirror. That’s the person you want approval from. And next time you see him, don't tell him anything about you, just talk about things he’s interested in. Talk about Jesus, talk about the mob, talk about some fucking thing, other than you. And give him that aloofness that I know you know how to do so well. After all, you are my daughter.

Me: Thank you, Mother.

My Mother: Anytime, my darling.

-JLK

My son has taught me that every environment has an expiration date. And it’s different for everyone, this point in time where we feel in our bones that it’s time to leave.

For my son, many environments have an expiration date of about fifteen minutes. And if I ask him to stay past this time, and I tell him that he can handle it bc my expiration date for this same environment hasn’t arrived yet, I will be in for some rapid decomposure.

Bc once the expiration date arrives for him, and he’s forced to stay, the environment begins to rot fast.

It’s not fun to be in environments past their expiration date. And for my son, he will begin to react the way anyone would once they’re forced to stay in a rotten place.

As adults, we can figure out how to manage this. Figure out ways to stay and ways to leave. But for my son, who is dependent on me for when to leave, has no choice.

Over the years, I have learned to honor his expiration date and leave. Mostly bc being in rotting places with him is, well… awful.

But funny, in doing so, I have learned that my true expiration date to many environments is often similar to his, it’s just that I had been under the impression that it was my duty to thrive in

environments that had long since expired.

I had also been under the impression that it was my duty to pretend I was enjoying myself. That it was even my duty to breathe new life into those spaces that were begging me to leave.

It’s a new concept for me to think about, thinking of environments in this way. But I’ve come to honor that feeling that tells us when it’s time to leave. And I realize in doing so, it helps to honor the feeling one gets when one actually wants to stay.

-JLK

Still life images often take a long time to put together. Teams of people make sure everything looks just so—make-up, hair, lighting, sets, props, after-effects, etc.

And yet so many of us have been fed still life “realities” our entire lives, to the point that we compare them to our chaotic moments that are speeding along, out of our control, without any team behind-the-scenes making anything just so.

For many of us, our moments are filled with unexpected messes, unscripted attempts at communicating and scant levels of listening, followed by unchoreographed reactions, many of which alter spaces unpredictably with consequences that can last lifetimes.

I can remember feeling so anxious when I invited people to my home when my son was younger. Everything looked just so, but my son was almost never willing to be part of my still life. He’d come ramming into my facade with his authentic experience until my facade began to crack, until I had no choice but to begin the process of letting go of the ways I always thought things should be.

Over time, once I began to let go of the impossible task of trying to uphold my still life, I began to recognize my son as someone similar to who I had always been on the inside, only he was out in the world.

And I realized I had a choice—to either force him to stuff those parts deep inside of himself like I had, or see what might happen if I accepted him with grace and humor, and guided him towards self-acceptance and self-understanding, the way I wished someone had done with me.

Acceptance of what is doesn’t mean that life is neat and tidy. It means that I accept the fact that it’s anything but. And it also means that I accept when I can’t accept it, when it’s so painful that I just want to crawl under my covers and hide for the rest of the week. With acceptance, I allow things to be as they are. And funny, whenever I do, I also allow things to move and grow into something new.

Accepting what’s so instead of what should be has had my son and I leaving loud windowless museums at high speeds as if escaping danger, only to laugh in the rain once we make it out, relieved and connected.

It’s had us leaving crowded restaurants in a hurry and taking our food to-go only to enjoy it even more in the quietude of home.

It’s had us cancelling plans left and right only to tell stories we’d never otherwise have had the chance to tell.

It’s had us leaving school to learn about the world our own way.

To me, accepting right now means not needing to stay full-time in catastrophizing mode.

It’s being in the presence of a meltdown and hearing the harsh words, feeling them hit like darts into my heart, and asking in the privacy of my mind for suppprt from my dead mother: “Can you believe this reality I’m part of?!?! Fuck me!!!” And letting the laughter soothe me.

It’s pausing before reacting, as often as I can remember, bc I know in difficult moments, that my son is waiting to learn how to respond to his own upsets by watching how I respond to his.

And that if I gasp in horror, or shame him or yell, that these reactions of mine will influence his own reactions to his own upsets.

But when I see the darts as not solely painful to me, but a sign that my son is in pain, I can see more clearly what I’m dealing with—a scared, upset kid. And I can say, “Life hurts a lot. It’s really hard to be with sometimes. Let me know what I can do to make today a little easier.”

My baseline these days is very base: it’s being alive lol. And from there, it’s sharing the experience of being alive. It’s accepting where I currently am in this craziness of being alive. It’s being flexible in difficult moments to see where circumstances might go, if I let them. It’s not sugar-coating things that don’t work, but instead of catastrophizing, it’s being in an inquiry about what to do next, even if right now, I’m not so sure.

It’s giving myself grace and giving my son grace. Even when I forget to pause and I react like someone I don’t like from my past—shaming and yelling—it’s still giving myself grace instead of shame. Bc I know that underneath my own behavior is an upset person who’s unable to access a better way to respond. But if I give myself grace, I’ll be able to remember a better way to respond, and I can extend that grace to my son.

Being alive is so crazy. It’s painful and beautiful and heartwarming and heartbreaking. It’s truly amazing to me that we’re all doing it together all at the same time.

Sending grace and love to you all.

-JLK

When we're bored or lonely or upset, I think it's important not to recreate lifelines back to people, places and dynamics we've already liberated ourselves from.

It can be so hard to find solace within ourselves when were having a difficult time, but I think it's worth the effort rather than squashing ourselves to fit inside old circumstances that we've already grown out of.

-JLK

If you always had people noticing what you didn't do, you may have not received much appreciation for all your victories.

And over time, you may have started skipping over your own victories, bc you were too focused on what you didn't do or what you didn't do good enough.

Today, please take a few moments to appreciate your victories. Those things you did, tiny or big, that were aligned with what's meaningful and beautiful to you. You might be surprised by how many victories you've had.

-JLK

It can be challenging to stay grounded when other people hook us. When they say and do things that seem to threaten the very core of who we know ourselves to be.

When this happens, I think it’s important to remember that other people are not the authorities on who we are and who we're not.

Perhaps in the past, we were forced to accept other people’s definitions of us. And perhaps we were punished for being who they mistakenly thought we were.

But as adults, we can practice listening to other people’s words without letting them hook us and define us. Because we know who we are now, and we know who we’re not. And we know we’re healing from past wounds, and we know we have nothing to be ashamed of, only everything to love and have compassion for.

We can stand grounded in ourselves, even in the presence of someone confidently misunderstanding us. And instead of defending ourselves, we can calmly choose to listen-to-understand and communicate-to-be-understood, or, if it’s not worth our energy, we can calmly excuse ourselves and continue on our way.

-JLK

(Signed copies of my book, Once Upon an Upset, are available through my website OnceUponAnUpset and also on Amazon. The ebook version is also available on Amazon and on my website. I’ll paste links below in case anyone’s interested.)

Sometimes being an adult means finding ourselves all alone, either physically or emotionally, and realizing that we're going to be ok, that we've got our own back.

-JLK

Facebook reminded me of this conversation at the post office with my then 7yo :

My son muttering under his breath: All this Christmas crap. Santa everywhere. Tricky grown-ups trying to make money. Disgusting.

Me: (chuckling.) Sorry. Ever since my son found out Santa isn’t real, he’s become a bit of a Scrooge.

Man working at post office: He’s a kid after my own heart.

(My son’s eyes light up.)

Man: They talk about the Christmas spirit... I will tell you what—the week up to Christmas is the meanest I’ve ever seen people. They practically trample each other to get their packages out in time.

My son: Well I used to think Santa Claus was terrifying. I used to think to myself that if I saw him, I would have to get a stick and knock him out.

Man: (nodding) I hear you.

Holidays come with a lot of expectations around our children’s behavior. Maybe they won’t say ‘thank you’ with enough enthusiasm or gratitude. Or maybe they’ll want to be online with their friends instead sitting and engaging with people in real life.

Whatever it is, I try to remind myself that my child is not my accessory or part of the Christmas decor. In fact he might feel stress and/or anxiety around holiday expectations.

So instead of holding onto my expectations, I try to remember to check in with myself to see where my expectations are coming from.

Do I need my son to look and behave a certain way because it’s a reflection of me? Am I still trying to earn accolades or validation from others instead of being ok with the way things are and aren’t? What might happen if I drop expectations around the holidays and see what happens naturally?

It might make the experience much less stressful for myself and for my son. And with less stress, I might be relaxed enough to notice the things that are working, things that are actually meaningful to me.

-JLK

I'm learning more and more, that when I remember to let go of what 'normal' moments in a family should look like, I can be more present to what's actually happening right now. And in this space of no comparison and no judgment, I can connect with my son just as he is, and get to experience something unpredictable and meaningful.

I wouldn't say I lost my mother to addiction.

I'd say I lost my mother because we live in a society where finding the right bridges to connect with the right resources is nearly impossible.

I'd say I lost my mother to the ways she coped with this situation.

I'd say I lost my mother because we live in a world gripped by trauma, that's run by people who shout, “Pick yourself up by your bootstraps!" to get people back to work instead of back to themselves.

A world run by people who've built themselves up so high on other people's bootstrap energy, but took down all the ladders so no one could reach them.

Who shout "tough love" to avoid liability, and "crocodile tears" if anyone complains, and "lighten up" when they don't want to be held accountable for their own corruption.

I didn't lose my mother because she didn't have the strength to utilize her grit.

I lost my mother because this world prioritizes profits over human beings and nobody considered my mother a good enough investment.

And at some point, she began to wonder if they were right.

-JLK

Every single day, throughout my entire life, I’ve had moments where I’ve felt overwhelmed and needed to understand my feelings and then make choices based on my values rather than my impulses. And yet not once during my formative years was I given any training to do so.

On the contrary, throughout my entire adult life, not once have I been in a position where I have needed to multiply fractions or know the biology of a frog or which president was the 29th.

I’m not exactly sure what kind of life my school was preparing me for, but it definitely wasn’t this one.

Knowledge is important. Being able to push through to meet goals is important. But judging from what’s going on in our society, I believe there is a huge missing in education.

I personally believe education should focus on feelings and self understanding, on communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand, on helping kids accept who they are so they can turn their bodies into friends instead of receptacles of overwhelm, on helping kids understand that other people are not so different, that we’re all trying to feel safe and victorious in our moments, all at the same time.

Then, maybe kids would feel a bit more connected to themselves and each other, and maybe they’d have more energy leftover to discover their interests and be able to choose which kinds of specific things they’d like to learn about, and which kinds of real-life problems they’d like to solve with their good ideas.

I know lots of teachers and schools that are doing a lot of great things. These thoughts are just based on things I’ve noticed personally.

-JLK

“I wanted all women who are rape victims to say to themselves, ‘It's not us who should feel shame, but them.’” —Gisèle Pelicot

Amen!

This courageous woman, Gisèle Pelicot, refused to sweep any part of what happened to her under the rug and now we all get to see the despicableness and embarrassing weakness of these sorts of people who willingly and nonchalantly commit violence against women like it’s just a stop before heading home, after picking up a loaf of bread. And because of Gisèle Pelicot, we get to see the brilliant spirit of a human being who knows that she matters and knows that her story matters and that her future matters. What a powerful message to us all.

May the rest of her days be full of healing and joy and beauty and peace.

Don't take the stuff that goes through your mind personally.

The mind is a great recorder of everything you've ever seen, heard and experienced. It's a reflection of the world, not of yourself.

The meaning you make—that's you.

The insights you gain-that's you.

The action you take-that's you.

You can use your mind as a palette to create from and understand from. But if you wait for the mind to make sense of things for you, there's a good chance it'll be nonsense.

-JLK

Some affirmations that help me when I’m having a hard time:

I have enough understanding to understand myself.

I have enough clarity to see that I am not bad, only wounded.

I have enough love to love myself and get that I am worth my own love.

I have enough compassion to see myself as beautiful and to see my heart as full of so many gifts worth giving.

I have enough strength to be here for both myself and my child.

-JLK

I come from a long line of women who hid away in secret pain. My mother was the first to do something different. She came out of hiding.

And of course when you come out of hiding, so does all the stuff you’ve been hiding.

She brought her pain to the surface and tried to make different choices. And she found out the reason why so many of those women who came before her chose to hide their pain.

Because it’s painful and often embarrassing out in the world! And people can remind us again and again why it’s easier to just stay secret.

But it’s hard to only keep the pain secret. What often happens is that the rest of our parts join the pain and also stay secret.

And over time, the brilliance of all our parts together begins to burn a hole in the space where we’ve buried it, causing yet more pain.

Bc really, we want to share ourselves. And at some point, we may realize that we have to find the courage to let ourselves out and represent who we are, bc no one else will.

I will always be grateful that my mother stopped hiding, that she normalized talking about difficult things. I mean, that’s pretty much all we talked about. But she’d been carrying around so many generations of unresolved wounds, they needed sorting out.

And yes, her pain was hard to be with, but I learned a lot from it. A lot more than if she’d have kept it secret.

And seeing her pain gave me the incentive to share myself, instead of hiding what matters. Because by sharing our parts, the whole of who we were, we were able to get to know each other better. And I was able to understand the value of connecting.

So if you’re reading this and need a reminder: Whatever you’re dealing with and trying to make sense of, matters. Instead of stuffing it down or pretending these things aren’t there, remember that the stuff we’re made of is precious. All of it.

To me, it doesn’t matter how we let ourselves out—writing, singing, helping, healing, connecting—it’s all enough.

Letting our parts out of ourselves and into the world can help us to connect with our own lived experience and appreciate who we are, and allow other people to also appreciate who we are.

-JLK

Through very unusual circumstances, I became friends with a retired Archbishop of the Catholic Church.

I am not religious at all. I had no idea that I was supposed to kneel and kiss his ring. I never did. And he accepted me just as I am.

He was what I’d call a multi-lensed person. He may have started his life in the church with a single lens, but through speaking to people, he began to discover that his mission wasn’t to serve Christ by demanding that people follow a set of rules, but to serve every Christ within each person he crossed paths with.

I once joined him for dinner along with a woman who was so angry. I thought for sure he would say something like, “Christ might want you to access compassion right now.” But this man knew that this was his job, not hers.

So he accessed compassion and said: “Tell me more.” And he listened and listened and validated until the relieved woman released her anger, and then thanked the Archbishop.

To him, every human being was Christ in action sent to give him a test, to see if he could find their Christ within.

He explained that when you really see the

Christ within someone, you don’t pray for them, you ask them to please pray for you. Which is also a way of reminding them of their Christ within.

So anyhow, the Archbishop had a very dear friend, who, after years and years of friendship, confided in him that he’d had a profound experience of self-acceptance and realized that if he were to be truly himself, without fear, he would need to honor himself by being the woman he felt he’d always been inside, but pretended not to be.

And after a long talk, the Archbishop understood how deeply meaningful this new insight was for his friend, and how it explained so much. And so the Archbishop gave his friend his blessing.

And this person went on to become trans. He became a her. Yup.

The Archbishop explained that if he’d have judged his friend or dared to condemn them, he would not have been doing the work of Christ.

The work of Christ to him was radical acceptance. To test the malleability of his own heart. Bc the moment his heart went rigid with judgment, was the moment he denied another’s context, and the moment he stepped away from his mission.

This man stood for values like: Be curious about people’s lived experience. Be a safe space so that people feel comfortable to invite you into their lived experience. Bc once you really connect with someone’s context, you’ll only find reverence.

Judgment, morality, condemnation, being right, inflexibility, and banishing those you think are less-than—these things never ever lead to reverence.

At least, I’ve never seen it happen.

Some people might imagine it happens, but behind the scenes, I doubt the people who’ve been judged or condemned have gone back to their homes and thanked the person in the privacy of their hearts for refusing to understand them.

A lot of people don’t realize that when they only wear one fixed lens, and refuse to try on any other, it creates war. And violence. And yet, I’ve never seen violence when one is truly flexible and willing to try on another lens and connect with another person’s context.

Trying to manufacture narratives to simplify the complexity of the world never works. In fact, from what I’ve seen, it’s usually an attempt to control large swaths of the world for personal gain.

Hate wears no smile. Hate has no energy to think creatively. Or laugh. Hate doesn’t make music or delicious food. Hate doesn’t fill hearts. It’s simply fear-in-action.

-JLK

For some people, this world can be especially brutal.

They have to constantly pretend they aren’t being bombarded by all the circumstances of life.

They have to paint smiles on their faces and push through the day even when every drop of harshness hurts.

They’re raw. They feel the elements from the environment around them penetrating to their very core. Including the immense beauty that others tend to miss.

Some people can armor up. They can protect themselves from the elements of life. Maybe they turn harsh to keep all those drops of pain away from their hearts. Maybe they bury their hearts in the process, but a buried heart feels better than a hurt heart.

But some people aren’t equipped with armor, and their efforts to create it are useless bc these raw people need to feel the stuff that’s alive.

They say, “Wow, look at this! My god, I have to get closer! It’s wild, it’s alive!” And they go over there to the aliveness and then boom. Something harsh lashes out unexpectedly, and they get hurt. Seriously hurt. But yet they don’t say anything bc they already know what all the well-armored people will say: ”Stop being so sensitive.”

Or, “Ha. You think you’re hurting? You don’t know what I’ve been through, and I’m fine, so you should be fine. You have to toughen up.”

Or worse, “You know what, I’m tired of your constant pain. It’s actually painful for me now. The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know.”

So the unarmored hurt people pretend not to be hurt.

And for some, the private pain can be too much. And maybe they decide the armored people were right—the world doesn’t revolve around them. They’re just broken. Too broken. So they give their last smiles to their loved ones and that’s it. They finally extinguish their pain the only way they know how.

And it’s f-ing awful.

Unarmored people do not need shame. They need resources—not to learn how to be armored, but how to be boundaried…

How to feel without letting their feelings drown them, so that they’re forced to numb out through substances. Or through hurting themselves so at least it’s a pain they can allow themselves to feel on their own terms. Or through whatever other destructive coping mechanism they’ve become friends with.

Boundaries:

Taking the time to learn how to filter circumstances with awareness and understanding for ourselves so that the aliveness gets in but the toxicity stays out.

Boundaries:

Taking inventory of which feelings belong to us and which belong to others, so we can stop storing other people’s stuff inside our bodies.

Boundaries:

Finding safe outlets to share our pain. Not with an armored person. Just as I wouldn’t get my groceries at the post office, I would never go to an armored person with my raw feelings. How in the world could I expect them to feel my feelings when they’re not even used to accessing their own?!

Boundaries:

Find a safe person who knows how to reflect your pain. In this society you will probably have to pay for this service. But you know what? It’s better that way sometimes, bc at least you’re clear about what you owe. You owe however much money it costs for your session, not your loyalties or first born child or your unconditional love.

Boundaries:

Find an outlet for transforming your pain into art: anything that takes your hurt out of your body and into a medium like painting, writing, whatever, so you can see it from your perspective and realize it’s fucking beautiful, bc it’s an extension of you understanding yourself.

Boundaries:

Vitamins. This may sound ridiculous, but without vitamins, my mind is a damn mess. I so often neglect my body, imagining that it will run solely on will power, thoughts and feelings. It’s as though I completely forget that I’m a living being who requires nutrients from the world, just like the rest of the living beings here. So one way of being boundaried for me is by taking my vitamins. Even when I don’t feel like it. (Which is hard for me.)

And for those who are reading this and you’re secretly planning your way out—please wait. Please be willing to try creating some boundaries to protect yourself. It may sound trite, but I know without a doubt that it’s true: you have gifts to share that the world needs. You are irreplaceable.

Sending love and peace.

-JLK

If someone isn’t valuing the idea of healing their past wounds and refuses to follow through with the commitment of taking a deeper look at their triggers and where they come from, they will not be able to hear nonviolent communication.

Everything they hear will be heard as an attack.

And if you attempt to let them know that your perspective isn’t an attack, it’s simply how you experience the moment, how you’re communicating what you feel and what works or doesn’t work for you, they will assume you are still attacking them and they may pull out their arsenal in defense. Things they know will cause a wound. Bc those are the strategies of the archaic battle:

If I am wounded, I will wound back.

Statements like “Calm down” or “You need to see a therapist.” Or “Are you getting your period?” Or “Why do you have to take everything so seriously?” Or “This isn’t fun.” Or “Why do you always have to have a problem.”?” Or “So and so was right about you.”

When dealing with the unhealed parts of people, I believe it’s important to wear a bullet proof vest. And in these kinds of battles, to me, this means you have to recognize that these “bullets” have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person standing in front of you, who wants you to be for them everything they refuse to be for themselves:

Unconditionally loving and understanding, laboring 24/7 to meet their emotional needs, to understand what’s at the root of their behavior and work hard to offer those wounds compassion, etc etc.

But no, this isn’t anyone’s job but theirs.

It’s awful when people don’t see the impact of their not healing, and they only see life not working and believe it’s everyone’s fault but their own.

If this is a situation you find yourself in, pls stop investing in other people’s healing and do the hard work of shifting your focus to what you’d like to see grow in your proverbial garden. Do you really want to water something with your precious resources that refuses to grow? I’m thinking probably not.

Life can be so tortuous. And perhaps even more so for people who struggle with brains that process differently but are still expected to muscle through and comply with expectation after expectation in a world that’s been created for more typical brains.

And some of us mask which hurts ourselves, but some of us lash out to save face and keep people from noticing what they may perceive as shortcomings, and this hurts other people.

And to me, when adults refuse to get support for their unhealed parts, and they continue to believe that other people deserve to suffer all bc they aren't willing to see what’s really underneath their own blindspots, it’s not ok.

And for those who don’t believe they need to invest in their healing, here’s what I know to be true: Stress caused by reactive, unhealed adult behavior is contagious.

It bleeds through all members of one’s family and teaches those people destructive ways to cope with conflict until the day comes when the original unhealed person winds up being the one who gets hurt by their own arsenal.

But, healing is also contagious. It spreads healing from heart to heart with humor, vulnerability, peace and connection that turns moments into the kind of beautiful moments we actually want to live in.

-JLK

Thinking of the typical education model and demand-avoidant kids…

How we travel on our paths matters.

And from what I’ve noticed, there are many different kinds of vehicles.

Let’s say my vehicle is a bicycle: I like to go slower, look around, have insights, make associations, create meaning that leads to new ideas… and yet, I’m being asked to travel to my destination on a highway.

Naturally, I’m going to be terrified and underprepared, bc I’m one of the only vehicles on a bicycle and everyone else is vrooming at 65-75 miles an hour.

This means every second I’m on that path is going to compromise my safety and feel like a nightmare.

And the only way I know to get through the day, is to constantly put on my breaks and pull over, not only bc I have no interest in being on that highway to begin with, but bc I don’t want to get injured!

But yet when I try to explain to my caretakers that I don’t feel well enough to travel like that, that I’d rather stay home and learn about life and get to my destination my own way, I’m greeted with unspoken (or out loud) fear that there might be something wrong with me, and that they can’t take my concerns to heart bc to listen to me would ruin my future.

In my experience, what’s happening here is an incompatibility between the vehicle we’re in and the path we’re expected to travel. Along with a lack of understanding that this incompatibility is actually something to be taken seriously.

I may have the best coach and therapist teaching me ways to adapt and hurry up and get stronger and focus, but it will never change the fact that I’m still on a bicycle.

And it will not change the fact that every time I try to make that highway work as it is, I’m likely to become more traumatized and/or more dissociated from the fact that I’m on a bicycle. And I may even begin to forget the value of the unique perspective that people on bicycles are able to access.

From what I’ve noticed, the most popular pathways are the highways. And that’s why it’s so difficult to figure out how to carve new pathways for people in bicycles to thrive as their authentic selves.

And many of us with kids on bicycles feel shortchanged. Because we don’t have support communities that offer the kinds of pathways that were built for people like us.

So many of us are redefining the purpose of our education and we’re redefining what success even means. But we still don’t have access to the kind of education systems made for people who don’t travel in vehicles made for the highway.

And the reason we don’t have access to these other options is bc most these paths just haven’t been paved yet.

If this is you, I understand this anguish.

I have to try hard to remember not to use all my efforts to upgrade my bicycle and my son’s bicycle so that we can get on that highway, but to instead use my energy and resources to figure out how to pave a path that’s more compatible for our vehicles.

It’s so hard. Bc I’m already tired. But I'm doing my best. And so many others are already out there, building new pathways. All we need is to send out and receive each other’s invitations so that us people on bicycles can meet up and support each other as we are.

-JLK

I write a lot about inner elevators, about taking them to higher floors to access different perspectives in order to get unstuck and see our circumstances differently.

But I think there are also corridors on each floor.

And some corridors take us deeper into ourselves and some take us out into the world.

Sometimes when we’re having a hard time, we may find ourselves retreating so deeply inside of ourselves, that it’s hard to come back.

This happens to me frequently.

And there’s nothing wrong with going inward for solace or wisdom or even to sit with our sadness.

But I try to remind myself not to go too deep into my depths without letting someone I trust know where I’m going.

That way, if I get lost inside myself, they will know how to reach me.

Sometimes that’s what this page is for me. A place to touch base, to keep me from disappearing into my depths.

-JLK

From what I’ve noticed, people don’t clutch their pearls, they clutch their contexts. Like life preservers. To keep themselves safe in this tumultuous world.

Whenever I want someone to understand my context, I’ve learned from experience that I’ll have a much greater chance to be understood if I ask what they’re holding onto and listen-to-understand, instead of saying, “I see what you’re you’re holding onto—a bunch of bullshit!”

Whenever I try to push someone off their context, they’ll likely grasp onto their context even more. And what they’ll be trying to tell me is: “Hey, I’m safe here. And it doesn’t sound like you give a shit about my safety, so I highly doubt I’d be safe over there with you.”

But if I can share what I’m holding onto and why it’s keeping me safe, they might be able to relate, bc no matter what our contexts are, the reason we hold onto them is the same—they keep us safe, in whatever meaning of the word we’re currently holding onto.

As I heal, I often don’t need others to understand my context as much as I used to. But if I do want someone to understand my context, I realize now that I have to be willing to understand theirs first, even if what they’re holding onto would never be something I’d want to hold onto.

Without a mutual connection it’s difficult to care for one another. And in my experience, it’s only when people finally start to care for one another and recognize that we occupy the same waters, that we can even be in a position to find the incentive to want to keep each other safe.

-JLK

Each thought builds on the next.

Which means, if I’m thinking obsessively about how someone upset me, what I’m doing is building a thought structure in my mind.

Each upset thought gets added to the foundation of that original upset thought.

And if I have a habit of getting upset about things I have no control over, and I keep adding more upset thoughts to this same upset foundation, the thought structure will grow.

And before long, I will run out of room in my mind.

I will have built a neighborhood of enormous thought structures that I don’t even want to be near.

So what I need to do when I’m upset is to acknowledge my upset thought, and then shift to another space in my mind and think a thought that I want to build up.

Something creative, not destructive.

Something that represents what’s most meaningful to me. Something that’s an extension of my potential, of my most authentic self.

Something I want to invest my time and energy in. Not something that causes me anguish.

And I can build up that constructive thought by thinking another thought that’s aligned with what’s most meaningful to me. And then add another.

Until I build in my mind a neighborhood where I want to live, instead of a neighborhood that I want to escape from.

-JLK

Thinking about broken relationships…

I remember one of the last times I saw my grandmother before she died. She hadn’t seen or talked to my mother in over 20 years.

My grandmother was not the type to talk about her feelings, though.

She could send back soup for being too cold, she could complain to managers about the quality of such and such product, she could correct someone mid-sentence about their poor enunciation.

But when it came to her own feelings, and especially her feelings about her estranged relationship with her own daughter—she was dead silent.

Then one day, I was setting the table for dinner and she looked at me, and after a pause she asked, “Does your mother ever mention me?”

And I could see such anguish in her eyes. I knew it took everything she had to ask.

I of course knew better than to say, “Only when she’s asked if you’re alive, to which she replies, smiling, ‘Why no, actually, my mother has been dead over 20 years!’”

Instead, I thought to myself about what’s also true. That sometimes the damage between a parent and a child just can’t be repaired. There’s just too much that happened and too much time that’s passed.

It becomes instead a journey of repairing oneself through one’s own understanding of what happened through one’s own perspective and languaging of the hurt.

My grandmother made mistakes. Awful mistakes. And there wasn’t a way to send it back to the kitchen to make it right.

And maybe, at that moment, she was ready to accept what happened. And acknowledge the truth: that she wished she had done better.

And so I said, “Even though you made choices you probably regret, I think you can let it go now. I think maybe sometimes, people serve unexpected purposes for each other. And I’m not sure things could have gone any other way. And I think my mother understands this too.”

My grandmothers shoulders relaxed.

“Maybe you’re right,” she said.

I called my mother from the car after I left and told her what happened. “Honey,” she said. “You can’t force people to see things differently. Every choice she made in her life was to keep herself from seeing things differently, bc seeing things differently would mean becoming someone new, and that has always scared the hell out of her. I want you to understand something very important: Being complete doesn’t need to involve the person who caused the trouble in the first place. In fact, completing with yourself is the only way to stop carrying around those same old wounds.”

Both my mother and my grandmother are gone now. But I carry that wisdom in my heart.

And I realize now that intergenerational trauma doesn’t really have sides. It’s a virus of unresolved pain that continues, generation after generation, until someone finds a way to heal it through their own heart, by giving that pain our understanding and love, and then by making different kinds of choices in our lives.

And as for my grandmother—when I see someone who reminds me of her out in the world acting like a jerk, before I judge only what I see, I remind myself that for all anyone knows, they’re behaving that way bc it’s the only way they know how to express their unresolved feelings.

I’m not excusing people’s behavior, but the times I’ve smiled at these people, they often smile back, as if amazed and also confused that anyone would look at them and be happy instead of wish that they were dead.

-JLK

So many people have their hand on the dimmer switch. You tell them something you think is brilliant, something that lights you up, and there they go, dimming that brilliance, dimming that light with their assessments or opinions or well-worded ridicule or dismissal. And that’s fine for them. Let them dim the light and brilliance out of these things for themselves. But don’t ever let them dim the light and brilliance out of anything for you. They are not the authorities on what has value and what doesn’t. The world needs your passion and excitement and your inspiration. And more than that, you need it. It’s your fuel for pursuing what’s most meaningful and beautiful to you.

-JLK

Please don’t feed the shame any more shame!

If you want to feed the shame, please feed it love and understanding. It will thank you.

-JLK

”Wait what?! You’re not happy here? Things don’t feel right to you? Oh boo hoo!!! Give me a fucking break.”

Many of us grew up with some variety of this energy. And we received it the moment we tried to communicate to be understood. And when we received this sort of reaction to our feelings, for many of us, we stopped trying to communicate to be understood.

But the thing is—when we don’t honor our feelings and our experience about things, we wind up in environments that don’t work for us. And even if we keep our upsets a secret, and try our best to muscle through to keep the peace, the not-working-for-us can begin to eat at us from the inside-out.

And we may imagine that the reason our environments aren’t working for us, is bc there’s something wrong with us. And this is bc we’ve been conditioned to believe that our own feelings are not only irrelevant, but meaningless. And a sign that we’re being ungrateful, or whatever shameful word we internalized.

Well, in my opinion, this is something we urgently need to heal from!

And one way I like to heal from this business is to deconstruct this “boo hoo” mindset. And the reason it’s easy to deconstruct, is bc I’ve seen how it operates behind the scenes and it’s inauthentic.

Why?

Bc the moment these sorts of “boo hoo” people get hurt, their audacity and outrage is unmatched.

They wear blindspots in such a way that they’re perfectly ok with feeling their own feelings and making sure everyone knows they exist, but they’re perfectly not ok with acknowledging anyone else’s.

And sure, this is probably a trauma response. Some people’s trauma responses hurt themselves, and some people’s trauma responses hurt others. But does that mean we need to have compassion and be understanding of their toxic behavior?

Certainly not.

And even if we should want to find compassion for these people, we need to heal ourselves first.

And to me, if we want to heal, we need to realign ourselves with our own feelings after being disassociated from them so long.

And we need to do this by validating all those hurtful moments we’ve endured that have been waiting in a single file line as long as our intestines to get noticed and released with validation and with love and understanding.

Once we begin to honor our own feelings, we will naturally begin to discard those old awful notions that might sound something like, “You ought to be grateful to have a roof over your head!”

And we can begin the process of tending to and honoring all the stuff underneath the proverbial roof. Because who wants a roof over a war zone? That’s nothing to be grateful for.

And then maybe when you’re upset and you run into someone who says some variety of, “Oh, boo fucking hoo.” You can look at them, and get with utmost certainty that this is someone who once shared their vulnerable feelings and someone else took their big giant thumb and squashed them so deep into themselves that they never emerged.

And you might even see, if you look at them in a certain way, all their hurt feelings backed up like a long line to the only porto-potty in town wishing they knew how to relieve themselves, and you will suddenly know better not to internalize their proverbial crap.

Bc it doesn’t pertain to you.

And you can smile and say nothing. Or you can say, “Hey, I appreciate you trying to help in the way you’re used to helping, but I’ve discovered ways to feel better that don’t secretly make me feel more sad and lonely.”

Your feelings and experience matter! If you’re not feeling like your environment in some context or another is a match for who you are—that’s important information to tend to! Not something to ignore or avoid or dismiss.

It’s the beginning of an inquiry that asks: “Hmmm. I wonder what would be more of a match for who I am? I wonder if it’s time to communicate to be understood and represent my authentic experience and make some new sorts of choices in my life.”

And then we can have a board meeting with all our various parts and come up with some new ideas.

-JLK

If you grew up being constantly criticized, you might focus so much on protecting yourself from criticism that it keeps you from focusing on your natural interests and passions.

But it's so much more important to focus on our interests and passions. These are our gifts. And it's pointless to keep our gifts hidden to avoid being shamed or belittled.

Bc our gifts are not meant for people who we know aren't in a position to receive them. Our gifts are for the countless others who are.

-JLK

If you were neglected as a child, you might have come to the conclusion that no one wants to be anywhere near you and that your love and who you are is a complete waste of everyone’s time.

Well, this is False. Completely False. Even if you think you have evidence to the contrary. Even if you say, “Well, no one calls me back. And I didn’t get the (whatever it was you wanted). People really don’t seem to want to be near me!”

The truth is, what we focus on is what we see. And if you’ve got circumstances that reinforce this idea that you’re not worthy, it’s only because you’re looking at your life through the lenses of your unresolved pain from the past.

But what you’re seeing through those lenses isn’t the truth. The truth is, you are a gift. Your love is a gift. What you have to contribute is a gift.

It’s just that some people’s attentions are not tuned into what’s right in front of their eyes. Maybe they’re focused on a project. Maybe they’re 10 years in the the past, maybe they’re 10 years in the future. Maybe some sensory experience or anxiety or concern has got their attention. Maybe they’re stuck wearing the lenses that only lets them see the world through their own past pain. Who knows.

As kids, many of us waited for our grown-ups to punctuate our existence. We waited for their period or exclamation mark or question mark. And when we got nothing, we felt incomplete. And we didn’t have the tools to complete ourselves. In fact for many of us, figuring out how to complete ourselves became our life’s journey.

But…it’s not on purpose that those people from your past neglected you. That they inadvertently trampled your most beautiful blossoms that you picked just for them. It’s not on purpose that they never had time to open the pages of your most beautiful chapters you tried telling them about.

They missed you. You tried to say, “Hey, want to see something amazing? Look! Here I am!” And they mistakenly thought you were interrupting them on their way to something more important.

Well you weren’t interrupting. You had given them a beautiful invitation and they missed the special event. And this had nothing to do with you.

Please believe me: You are complete. You are valuable. You are beautiful. Keep sharing yourself. Keep sending out those invitations. The available people will show up. And they’ll be glad they did.

-JLK

Many of us grew up thinking:

I’m not old enough

I’m not special enough

I’m not smart enough

I’m not thin enough

I’m not in shape enough

I’m not pretty enough

I’m not talented enough

I’m not normal enough

I’m not lovable enough

I’m not successful enough

I’m not wealthy enough

I’m not healthy enough

I’m not young enough

Or whatever it is that has given us the impression that we aren’t “whatever enough” to live the kind of life we want to live.

But guess what—it’s a great big lie.

Bc when you take off those goggles that see yourself as who you imagine you’re supposed-to-be and you see yourself exactly as you are, you will believe this truth:

You’ve always been enough.

You were enough the moment you were born, and each moment there after, and you are enough right now.

Don’t waste another second wondering.

Share who you are right now, so that you and whoever you choose to share yourself with gets to experience the amazing being that you are while you’re still here.

-JLK

Reasons for writing…

There are people who write because they love the craft and there are people who write because they’ve got a huge tangled up ball of yarn taking up too much space inside them and writing is the only way they can even attempt to find that buried end, to unravel the whole mess, upset by upset, insight by insight, and fashion it into a story, one that makes sense to them, till at last they’ve created a thing of beauty, a tapestry of their own design, one that fits who they’ve become, in spite of where the material originated from.

-JLK