The Boy Who Used Rituals To Cope, For Adults Only

Once there was a boy who had OCD symptoms and tics.

He would have to say certain things at certain times and clear his throat if he had the urge.

His mom was pretty good at being empathetic but sometimes she got impatient. Especially when other circumstances in her life were adding additional stress.

At those moments she’d say,” You have to be stronger! You have to delay that urge and learn to cope!”

It sounded like the right thing to say, but underneath were different words, more truthful words: “I’m scared that my son is behaving like this and I’m tired. I wish he’d just stop.”

But the funny thing was, even though she kept these truthful words inside herself, it was as if they were the only words her son could hear. And what he heard from those words was that his mom was annoyed and disapproving. And all this did was make his rituals louder.

Then one night in bed, her son was doing his ritual as usual, but this time, something new happened.

She happened to glance over at her son in a certain way but in that moment, she suddenly saw him. Really saw him: as her son, as someone she cared for so deeply, as someone who could do no wrong, and as a human being coping with so much out of his control.

And at that moment, she no longer heard the advice from all those books she’d read and she no longer heard all the imagined criticisms from all those people in her life who believed they knew so much better.

She only saw her son, and seeing him, she realized that his rituals were his way of coping, of soothing himself the only way he knew how. He wasn't trying to annoy or exhaust anyone.

And she felt so full of compassion for her son, that she opened her mouth and said, “You know what... I’ve been so reactive about your rituals lately. But those rituals help you feel better, don’t they?”

“Yes,” he said softly.

“I really get that. When you think I’m upset with you about your rituals, does it make you need to do them even more to comfort you from the hurt of seeing me disappointed with you?”

“Yes,” he said, looking a bit relieved to hear this truth.

“I’m so sorry that I’ve given you more things that you need to cope with. I don’t want to cause you any extra stress. You do what feels right, my love. I approve of who you are. I approve completely. You are beautiful, you are perfect, you are loved, you are safe.”

And he looked at his mama and his eyes were watery. And he said, “Thank you, Mama.”

And they hugged and then they did a few Mad Libs on his mom’s phone and they laughed and connected, and guess what? He didn't even need his rituals. Because he was soothed by being loved and connected with.

She knew the rituals would be back. It’s a toxic world—of course he’d need to find ways to cope and soothe. But she realized that night, that if she took the time to connect with who he was underneath his behavior, they could both be soothed by the time they spent together.

-JLK