What’s Your Upset with O. McCreedy

Transcript of Episode 2: The Two Sides of the Tool

Welcome to What’s Your Upset. I’m O. McCreedy. Let’s take our first caller. Welcome. What’s your upset?

My mother.

What about your mother?

She’s always annoying me. Always teaching me lesson after lesson.

Hm. What kind of lessons?

I don’t know.

What do you mean you don’t know. You just told me your mother’s throwing up lessons and you don’t even know what kind?

No.

Not one?

I said I don’t know.

Do you listen to her lessons?

I guess not.

Ok. Now I’m catching on. Let me guess… you don’t listen to your mother and because you have none of her wisdom, you’re always getting in some kind of trouble.

Hey… Whose side are you on? Did she contact you?

Whoa. Unbunch your britches. Let’s just say I know from personal experience. Reminds me of the time my mom brought me lasagna on a hot plate and offered me a towel because I was on the couch on my stupid screen and wouldn’t get off. She kept saying, “The plate is hot!” I figured I could handle it. But I burnt my thighs and also my privates, to be honest. And then I blamed her for giving me the darn lasagna.

You did that?

Yup. And that’s when she sat me down to tell me the story of the two sides of the tool.

What’s that.

Would you like me to tell you?

I guess.

I guess?

Yeah. Fine. Go ahead.

Very well. So once there was a boy who lived a long time ago. I mean a really long time ago. Like in cave people days. And one day, his cave mama presented him with a musk ox.

A musk ox?

It’s a big buffalo-looking thing. Ok?

What a gift.

Back then it was a gift. And his mama had just hunted it so it needed to be butchered so everyone could eat it. And she thought her son was old enough to learn how.

Gross.

Well they didn’t have drive-thrus yet, kid.

Right.

So the boy was all excited and full of energy—that impatient kind of energy that wants to get busy doing something without knowing how to do it. And his mama said, “Hold on son, I need to show you…”

But the boy interrupted. “I know what to do,” he yelled, in that kind of annoying breathless way. “Where’s the tool!!?”

“But…”

“I need the tool!!!”

His mama looked down at the tool which was lying there on the ground beside her. It was a long time ago, like I said, so this boy had actually never seen a blade before. And it was the most fascinating object he’d ever laid eyes on—with one side shimmering in the sun and other other side polished like the trunk of a thin tree. And right as the mom began explaining to her son how to use this extraordinary tool, what do you think he did?

Uh. I don’t know.

Well… because he didn’t know what the heck he was doing, and had no interest in listening to his mother, he grabbed the blade side of the thing instead of the handle side and instead of getting what he wanted, he sliced open the palm of his hand.

Ow!

Luckily because his mama was right there, she soothed his wound. And sometime after it was healed, a new musk ox was hunted. And this time, he wanted to prove to his family that he wasn’t the idiot he heard some of his friends whispering he was.

And while his mama tried once again to show him how to use this blade, he still didn’t listen. All he could think about was proving to everyone that they were wrong about him. And so he picked up the tool as fast as he could…

“I know what to do mama!”

“Wait! Don’t forget what happened last…”

But… he ignored his mama again. All he could think about was how proud everyone would be after he butchered the thing. And once again, he grabbed the blade side… and he cut himself again. This time deeper.

What an idiot.

That’s exactly what his friends and even some of his aunts and uncles muttered under their breath.

But this time, because he was so embarrassed, he blamed his mama.

“You let me do that again!” he shouted.

“What? I was trying to show you how, but you wouldn’t listen!”

“You’re a terrible teacher… and the worst mama ever!!!”

Because the mama was very wise, she knew better than to let her son’s words hurt her heart. Besides, she loved her son, and she knew she couldn’t return him to Target even if she wanted to. So she tried once again to help.

“Son,” she said. “I can only show you how to use the tool. I can’t use it for you. It’s my job to teach you how to use the tools I know how to use, so that you can be confident and successful and knowledgeable when you go out into the world.

What the heck was the matter with that idiot?

The matter with the idiot was that he didn’t have the clarity to understand that his poor mother was giving her son every bit of wisdom she’d collected in her life as a gift, to make his life better than hers, and he never accepted it and therefore he was totally unprepared to enter the world.

Did he ever listen?? Did he die?

I’m not at liberty to discuss that part.

What?! Tell me!!!

Jesus. It’s a metaphor, kid. And even if he did die, the story took place like a million years ago or something like that.

Well. He should have listened to his mother.

And what about you?

Touché.

Kids who purposely don’t listen to their mothers because they either think they know everything, or they’re neck-deep in a screen and their brains have turned into toilets for whatever nonsense they’re letting in, wind up with broken bones and broken hearts.

Hey. Who told you about my broken wrist?!

(Sigh.) Nobody, kid. You have merely illustrated my point.

Take it from me—if you don’t learn your lessons, you’ll probably wind up getting burned. Literally and/or metaphorically.

Welcome to What’s Your Upset. I’m O. McCreedy. Let’s take our first caller. Welcome. What’s your upset?

My mother.

What about your mother?

She’s always annoying me. Always teaching me lesson after lesson.

Hm. What kind of lessons?

I don’t know.

What do you mean you don’t know. You just told me your mother’s throwing up lessons and you don’t even know what kind?

No.

Not one?

I said I don’t know.

Do you listen to her lessons?

I guess not.

Ok. Now I’m catching on. Let me guess… you don’t listen to your mother and because you have none of her wisdom, you’re always getting in some kind of trouble.

Hey… Whose side are you on? Did she contact you?

You did that?

Yup. And that’s when she sat me down to tell me the story of the two sides of the tool.

What’s that.

Would you like me to tell you?

I guess.

I guess?

Yeah. Fine. Go ahead.

Very well. So once there was a boy who lived a long time ago. I mean a really long time ago. Like in cave people days. And one day, his cave mama presented him with a musk ox.

A musk ox?

It’s a big buffalo-looking thing. Ok?

What a gift.

Back then it was a gift. And his mama had just hunted it so it needed to be butchered so everyone could eat it. And she thought her son was old enough to learn how.

Gross.

Well they didn’t have drive-thrus yet, kid.

Right.

So the boy was all excited and full of energy—that impatient kind of energy that wants to get busy doing something without knowing how to do it. And his mama said, “Hold on son, I need to show you…”

But the boy interrupted. “I know what to do,” he yelled, in that kind of annoying breathless way. “Where’s the tool!!?”

“But…”

“I need the tool!!!”

Uh. I don’t know.

Well… because he didn’t know what the heck he was doing, and had no interest in listening to his mother, he grabbed the blade side of the thing instead of the handle side and instead of getting what he wanted, he sliced open the palm of his hand.

Ow!

Luckily because his mama was right there, she soothed his wound. And sometime after it was healed, a new musk ox was hunted. And this time, he wanted to prove to his family that he wasn’t the idiot he heard some of his friends whispering he was.

And while his mama tried once again to show him how to use this blade, he still didn’t listen. All he could think about was proving to everyone that they were wrong about him. And so he picked up the tool as fast as he could…

“I know what to do mama!”

“Wait! Don’t forget what happened last…”

But… he ignored his mama again. All he could think about was how proud everyone would be after he butchered the thing. And once again, he grabbed the blade side… and he cut himself again. This time deeper.

What an idiot.

That’s exactly what his friends and even some of his aunts and uncles muttered under their breath.

But this time, because he was so embarrassed, he blamed his mama.

“You let me do that again!” he shouted.

“What? I was trying to show you how, but you wouldn’t listen!”

“You’re a terrible teacher… and the worst mama ever!!!”

Because the mama was very wise, she knew better than to let her son’s words hurt her heart. Besides, she loved her son, and she knew she couldn’t return him to Target even if she wanted to. So she tried once again to help.

“Son,” she said. “I can only show you how to use the tool. I can’t use it for you. It’s my job to teach you how to use the tools I know how to use, so that you can be confident and successful and knowledgeable when you go out into the world.

What the heck was the matter with that idiot?

The matter with the idiot was that he didn’t have the clarity to understand that his poor mother was giving her son every bit of wisdom she’d collected in her life as a gift, to make his life better than hers, and he never accepted it and therefore he was totally unprepared to enter the world.

Did he ever listen?? Did he die?

I’m not at liberty to discuss that part.

What?! Tell me!!!

Jesus. It’s a metaphor, kid. And even if he did die, the story took place like a million years ago or something like that.

Well. He should have listened to his mother.

And what about you?

Touché.

Kids who purposely don’t listen to their mothers because they either think they know everything, or they’re neck-deep in a screen and their brains have turned into toilets for whatever nonsense they’re letting in, wind up with broken bones and broken hearts.

Hey. Who told you about my broken wrist?!

(Sigh.) Nobody, kid. You have merely illustrated my point.

Take it from me—if you don’t learn your lessons, you’ll probably wind up getting burned. Literally and/or metaphorically.

I gotta go… Mom!!! I want a lesson!!!

What?!

Give me a lesson!

And… that concludes another episode of What’s Your Upset.

END.